ANNA DANIELS VS. MAX KAEL
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Fireworks fill the sky above Soldier Field as we kick off Night Two of UltraViolence. We see tens of thousands of fans in attendance, some who have just slept in the stadium judging by the stains on their clothes, and see a fresh new set of… SIGNS!
I CAME HERE BECAUSE NOBODY WILL TELL ME WHAT AN EGG BANDIT LUMBERJACK MATCH IS
JUSTICE FOR HOYT’S GLASS
JUSTICE FOR THE APPLEBEES BUSTER GLOVES NEVER STOPS GOING TO
HEY CLARENCE! I’M BACK FOR NIGHT TWO! FUCK YOU AGAIN!!!
BORSCHT FOR THE BORSCHT GOD
FOR ONCE SOMEONE IS LEAVING SOLDIER FIELD A CHAMPION THIS CENTURY
I SURE HOPE NOTHING BAD OR PERMANENT HAPPENS AT A SHOW CALLED ULTRAVIOLENCE
TIME TRAVELED FROM NIGHT ONE TO SEE MAX KAEL? VS ANNA DANIELS
WRESTLING IS FINALLY BACK IN CHICAGO
I AM US CITIZEN. I AM PROUD OF PRAPORSHCHIK STANISLAV VERY MUCH!!!
WAIT THERE WAS A NIGHT ONE? WHAT LOSERS WERE ON THAT SHOW
WAIT, IT’S NIGHT TWO ALREADY?
WAIT, I THOUGHT JILES WAS ON NIGHT ONE! CAN I GET A REFUND?
KENNY FREEMAN SINGS LIVE OR WE RIOT
KENNY FREEMAN SIGNS LIVE OR WE RIOT #ASLREPRESENTATION
I CAN’T BELIEVE HANLON JOINED GLUE LIKE A BIMCH HAPPENED ON NIGHT ONE
Nick Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the first match of night 2 of UltraViolence! This is going to be a real treat for those who light high powered offense as we have The Muse vs The Mystery.
Richard Parker: Muse vs Mystery. Did you just come up with that?
Nick Stuart: No, I thought of it this morning during my BM. Why do you like it?
Richard nods.
The lights slowly faded in the arena as a ominous piano trilling rose over the P.A.
“I’ve just closed my eyes again.. Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver Train..”
Gary Wright’s voice crept over the sound system, a soothing, soft sound that matches the soft pale light that touches the stage. Yes, indeed, it is in fact Dream Weaver, specifically the Wayne’s World version.
“Driver take away my worries of today.. And leave tomorrow behind..”
As the music swells Max Kael? can be seen rushing out onto the stage, straight to the center of the soft pale light. He raises his arms in unison with the music as it reaches its height aaaannnd…
“ooooOOOOOH DREAAAAM WEAVER!”
The stage comes alive with a single burst of glittering white pyro as Max Kael? poses with his hands held high above his head. The silver haired crone, U.N. Couth, crept out to his right while Max’s bodyguard, Violent Purple, stepped to his left.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from Arkham, Massachusetts… weighing in at two-hundred-twenty pounds… he is???… MAX… KAEL?????!!!!!!
As Gary Wright continued to serenade the crowd Max swaggered toward the ring with a massive smile stretched across his face. While the fans booed him, the music and the catchy bass line muffled their discontentment. For his part Max doesn’t appear to pay them any attention as he strutted up to the ring steps.
Kael climbed up the ring steps before reaching the apron where he swiftly wiped off his feet. Stepping between middle and top rope Max ran in a circle inside the right until the timing of Wright’s famous song until another repeat of the stanza rolled around..
“ooooOOOOOH DREAAAAM WEAVER!”
He immediately thrusts his arms up into the air, palms forward as a singular pillar of light shines down on Max Kael?. The formerly dead man then pulled his arms into a flex. As he did so he bared his pearly white teeth toward the camera in the form of a predator smile, his brown eyes wild and wide.
As his music dies down Max slunk toward his corner apparently saddened his music was no longer playing.
Nick Stuart: Max is here and now we’re mere moments away from his competitor, Anna Daniels.
Like time itself is listening, the lights go out. Everybody’s expecting the usual. Darkness In my Soul, Anna halfassing to the ring, Richard Parker crying about it. That tends to be the pattern. That’s the way things are, right?
Except…they’re not that way anymore.
The beating of a million drums
The fire of a million guns
The mother of a million sons
C I V I L I Z A T I O N
Strobe lights match the emerging notes of “Heavy Metal × DVNO”, the flashes giving just enough of a glance of the peculiar figures on the sides of the entrance. Varying sizes and shapes, the cloaks they wear making their bodies shadows otherwise. They wear their mirrored masks revealing nothing of their own features. Smoke begins to emerge from the center as the pesudo-Castlevania-like vibes continue to build. A figure slowly rises from the fog, a creature clad in purified white. A warrior morphed by space fascists.
Vince Howard: And their opponent, from Mount Perdition, Gallifrey… weighing in at one hundred and thirty-five pounds… she is THE MUUUUUUSE, ANNNNNNAAAAAAA DAAAAAANIEEEELS!
Anna Daniels is in the building. Everything within the vessel smirks. And as the marching drum beats begin to crack through, everybody moves in unison.
Anna. The figures at her sides. The fans. The commentators. The referee. Those poor cameramen grit their teeth to the point of cracking in resistance of the movement. And it is a very particular movement. Part pendulum step, part man on the gallows, part march and part dance. Like a Whirling Dervish that stops spinning, the equilibrium is messed up but the grace is still there. There’s no lag in any of these poor souls. Each movement is absolutely in sync and the majority of them don’t know why they’re doing it.
The only one that isn’t infected with the dance of death is Max Kael.
Max Kael!
Max Kael?
Whatever. That’s more than likely by design because if Anna’s bothered by this fact, she’s very good at not showing it. As she stands in front of the steel steps, the dance seems to release its grip on everybody. Bodies are stumbling all over the place except for the mirrored shadows who continue their moves at ringside and Anna who climbs the stairs. She wipes her boots on the apron
Can anyone read, anyone feel
that I’m losing my patience?
I just came here to bounce
and enters the ring. Max tries to meet her halfway, but Anna puts a figure up as if to say “one moment please”. A ring attendant is there to catch her robe, but they aren’t necessary. Instead she balls her mantle up and throws it at Richard Parker just as he gets his sea legs back, forcing him to stay down for just a little bit longer. Was that a nonverbal fuck you?
…yes. Yes, it was.
The Time Lord/Merch Queen/New Era/Muse looks at Max, nods, and seems to say “okay!” as the lights flicker. The mirrored shadows disappear just as mysteriously as they appeared.
Anna and Max look to one another as Ashley Barlow signals for the bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: This is going to be a weird one, folks.
Richard Parker: Weird doesn’t begin to cover it, and what’s more, I’m not sure Anna Daniels has the upper hand finisher here.
Nick Stuart: Oh? Why is that partner?
Richard Parker: Because a punt to the head of Max Kael? might not do anything.
Nick Stuart: You might be onto something there, Richard.
Max and Anna size one another up in the ring, with neither seeming to give an inch in response to the competitor. Finally they eschew the traditional collar and elbow and come together in a flurry of fists and knees ala Don Frye and Takayama. Max, who has the weight and height advantage, pushes Anna back to the corner all the while delivering and receiving blows.
Anna is trying to use angles and her clear striking advantage over Max to pick her shots. For every glancing blow that Max hits, hers have to count to make up for the size advantage. She takes a shot to the eye and returns a jab, jab, cross combo that almost buckles Max’s legs.
The fans cheer raucously as they trade blows back to the center of the ring and press the action. Anna grabs for a thai plum and begins to drive knees into Max’s thighs and midsection while Max, looking for a way out of this predicament, drives his forehead into Anna’s face, breaking the hold and sending her stumbling backward. Her eyes mist up and blood starts to pour from her nose from the blow.
Max shakes the cobwebs from his head and reaches up, touching a severely swollen right eye. He attempts to push the pace and winces as he tries to walk forward, his thigh having been the target of several of Anna’s knee strikes.
Both competitors pause for a moment to assess the other and the fans react.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Nick Stuart: What a start to this event and the crowd here at Soldier Field is enjoying a hell of a slugfest!
Richard Parker: They call it UltraViolence for a reason, Nick!
Indeed, both competitors take a look around to appreciate the ovation before Max, seemingly having shaken out the charlie horse in his leg, charges forward and ax handles Anna to the ground. He immediately goes to work trying to push her out of the ring and does so successfully.
Ashley Barlow swoops in and starts a count which makes Max leap up and down like he has just won the match. Anna wastes no time in getting to her feet and back in the ring at which point Max holds up a “time out” T with his hands and points at Anna while jawjacking to the ref.
Nick Stuart: I… I think Max thinks he’s won already?
Indeed he is stating his case. He even goes as far as to hit the mat and roll out, imitating Anna and then pointing to the damage on his face, stating that he should have won. Ashley Barlow looks at Anna and holds her hands up in confusion, then begins to count Max Kael? for a count out.
1!
Violent Purple rolls her eyes while U.N. Couth reluctantly goes to Max and starts trying to explain how he has not, in fact, won the match and is in the process of actively losing the match.
2!
Max states his case, producing a hastily drawn series of papers with the words “Max Kael?’s battle plans” on it and pointing at a section on the third page.
3!
U.N Couth sighs and watches as he throws the papers down one at a time to get to the page he is now looking for. He turns it around and it’s a picture of him, drawn in crayon, riding on a fire truck.
4!
Finally Violent Purple has had enough and literally grabs Max and shoves him back under the bottom rope. He pops to his feet and scolds VP, but the distraction allows Anna to roll him up from behind!
Ashley slides into place…
1!
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2! … Kickout!
Anna, clearly not used to being the level headed one in the match, looks a little confused as she pops up. She pushes the action, launching Max across the ring with a whip and trying a flying headscissor takedown. Max Kael? Hits the mat hard and bounces, rolling under the rope and to the floor outside the ring.
Anna grabs the ropes and leaps over, aiming to splash Max on the outside of the ring, and she hits her target. The Muse stands up and pumps her fist to the crowd before reaching down to grab her opponent and bring him to his feet. A thumb to the eye is all she gets for her trouble and as she stumbles backward, Max leaps forward like a rabid dog and elbows her in the back of the head.
Nick Stuart: Max just leveled Daniels with that blow and he looks utterly astonished with himself!
Richard Parker: Get in the ring!
U.N. Couth and Violent Purple both encourage him to get back in the ring. He slides in and lays on his back, trying to get his breath. Ashley Barlow begins administering the count.
1!
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2!
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3!
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4!
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5!
Anna finally stirs and shakes her head. She hears the count hit five and crawls to the apron.
6!
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7!
Anna rolls back in and onto her hands and knees. Max flops over and gets to his hands and knees as well. He is bleeding and his eye is now puffed up, but he ushers the strength to crawl forward. As he does, Daniels notices a golden opportunity and gets to her feet. She lines up for the punt kick, charging across the ring and swinging…
Only for Max to be pulled out of the ring at the last second by Violent Purple at the behest of U.N. Couth! Anna flies through the air onto her ass ala Charlie Brown and Max flops onto the mat outside the ring. Ashley Barlow admonishes the duo of women and lets them know one more interference and they are gone.
Max gets to his feet and looks around, not knowing how he got outside the ring, but also not caring. He can hear Ashley Barlow counting, and a glimmer of light appears to flicker in between his ears as he grabs Anna Daniels and drags her out of the ring by her feet.
Nick Stuart: This has turned into a bit more of a war of attrition than I originally thought it would.
Richard: It’s not over yet, Nick!
Anna hits Max with a haymaker and he stumbles back into the rail. He leaps forward and hits her with one of his own, and she barely stays up by holding the apron. They trade blows back and forth like this several times until Ashley reminds them that the count is getting pretty high.
Max fakes the punch and stomps on Anna’s foot, then tries to slide back in the ring with the count at eight. She sees exactly what he is doing though and grabs him by the ankle and drags him back out, resetting the count.
She reaches for her opponent, and Max jabs her in the esophagus with his thumb. He follows up by launching the coughing Muse into the barricade and laying in a series of brutal stomps designed to keep her out of the match.
Nick Stuart: Max’s strategy is paying off, it would seem. Get Anna outside and win by count out?
Richard Parker: It doesn’t matter whether you win by an inch or a mile, winning’s winning.
Nick Stuart: Really?
Max Kael? Slides into the ring, watching from his back as Ashley is issuing the count. He worm-scoots on his back to the center of the ring to avoid getting pulled out once again and puts himself into a state of catatonic stupor in an effort to power nap energy back into his system.
Outside of the ring, Anna slowly gets to her feet. Her nose is almost certainly broken, and her legs feel like jello. She hears Ashley counting, but can barely make out the words. She sees a fan eating a serving of hot wings from the commissary and spies exactly what she was hoping for, a sprig of celery.
She grabs the piece of fibrous vegetable and it turns purple in front of her eyes, at which point she eats it whole and seemingly restores her energy. She suddenly hears Ashley counting “7!” and she runs for the ring, barely making it under the rope before the match gets called off.
Nick Stuart: I don’t understand anything that just happened, partner.
Richard Parker: Me either, but Max better open his eyes!
He does in time to be dragged to his feet and the two re-invigorated combatants go at it blow for blow once again! They tornado around the ring, punching one another fervently in the face, neither giving ground until they both tumble through the ropes and outside once again!
Max is the first to his feet and he wipes some blood off his face before picking up Anna and trying to whip her into the barrier, only for her to reverse. He hits the steel hard and flips over into the crowd. The crowd disperses away and several event security guards rush in to give the fighters space. Anna climbs the rail and goes after Max. As he gets to his feet, he grabs a security guard for purchase and the big man shoves him off toward Anna, who catches him in her arms unexpectedly.
She drags him to the barrier and throws him back over with a thud. He quickly gets to his knees, and she reaches down to grab him by the hair before climbing over the rail herself.
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And in a flash, Max Kael? Snaps a pair of handcuffs on her and the other on the rail. He rushes and rolls back into the ring, watching from the ground as Anna desperately tries to free herself. Ashley Barlow is already knee deep in her count and Anna looks to be stuck!
5!
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6!
Nick Stuart: Anna is trapped! Max must have stolen the cuffs from that security guard when he was getting to his feet!
Richard Parker: Wait, what does she have in her hand?
Nick Stuart: That’s… a sonic screwdriver?
Richard Parker: It can’t be, maybe it’s a Swiss Army knife?
7!
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8!
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9!
Regardless of the tool, Anna is trying feverishly to pick the lock on the cuffs, but she can’t and right as she spies the guard and yells for him to give her the key, Ashley Barlow reaches up one last time.
10!
DING DING DING!
Vince Howard: Your winner… MAAAAAX KAAAAAEEEEEEL?!!!!!
Anna slumps down outside the ring and Max celebrates by holding a thumb up in the air from flat on his back in the ring.
Nick Stuart: What a contest ladies and gentlemen. These two went to war in the ring, and there is nothing for Anna Daniels to be ashamed of in this defeat. It was a well fought match.
Richard Parker: Indeed, I still don’t understand the celery though?
Nick Stuart: Some things are better left to mystery, I guess. Up next we have Hayes Hanlon and then Eddie Cross and Dave Gibson will tangle in a highly anticipated bout.
Richard Parker: That’s gonna be a bloodbath, but I don’t know if it can top this match!
Nick Stuart: Well, we’re just going to have to find out as UltraViolence rolls on.
We then cut to a previously recorded video.