Bandit Bomb
The lights dim.
A chill moves through the air.
Then, a tumbleweed.
Then, a candy bar wrapper.
Nick Stuart: Up next is Cancer Jiles versus John Kennedy Royko, Jr.. But first, the super laser focused eGG Bandits have a public service announcement to make.
Richard Parker: I still can’t believe the idiot made it this far. The other two fell in line and lost in the first round, why couldn’t he?
Nick Stuart: Good question.
“Wolf Totem” by The Hu starts to play over the MGM Grand Garden’s sound system, and a few seconds later Bobby Dean emerges from the back. He’s wearing a comfy bathrobe with matching gray sweatpants. His new tattoo is visible, if slightly smudged. Dooze is on his left, looking like a square with his polo shirt all nice and neatly tucked into his jorts. Behind them, the reason for all six of the cheers turning to jeers, Cancer Jiles. His smile is wide, his PRIME gear is PRIMEd, and the wild fan adoration seems to make his hair glow.
Richard Parker: I’ll say this much, I would have rather had the fat one playing Cinderella than the COOL one.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think anyone is going to argue with you about that.
The three start to make their way down the ramp. Bob is out in front so let’s just say the pace is deliberate. Remember, it is his SECOND time walking down to the ring tonight. If only there were a forklift for this sort of thing? Dooze stays beside him, focusing his attention on the arthritis in his wrangled joints. If only there were a forklift for this sort of thing? Jiles is lagging a little behind the two; sharing barbs with a few fortunate fans.
Nick Stuart: He does claim to be a company man ya know.
Bob and Dooze use the steps to enter the ring. If only there were a forklift for this sort of thing? Instead of following his friends, Jiles works his way over to the announce table and pulls the fake handshake gag on Richard Parker.
Richard Parker: That motherfu–
Nick Stuart: Easy, Rich.
The COOL slides under the bottom rope and joins his brothers of the yolk. He calls for, and receives a microphone, much to Richard Parker’s off mic behesting. Then, he taps on it a few times before looking out to the crowd.
Cancer Jiles: Hello again, PRIME.
BOOOOOOO~!
Cancer Jiles: Have I told you the one about Al Masy?
BOOOOOOO~!
Cancer Jiles: That’s no way to treat your next Universal Champion!
BOOOOOOO~!
Richard Parker: BOOOOOO! Let the fat one talk! No one likes you!
Jiles goes to speak, but the substantial booing continues. He surprisingly abstains.
Nick Stuart: The PRIMEates are really letting Jiles have it! He can’t get a word in.
More booing. A few sodas even come flying into the fray. Much to Bobby’s dismay all are empty. Then, the unthinkable happens. A crazed fan hops the guardrail, side-steps MGM security, and charges the ring.
Richard Parker: Let him go.
The fan, a man wearing a LEVI GARRET TRUCKER CAP WITH A PICTURE OF A CHERRY ON IT, goes to tackle Jiles, however Doozer is there to intercept him. Bobby and Dooze quickly put the boots to the crazed fan, and pin him down inside the ring.
The arena falls silent from shock.
AGAIN.
And when opportunity knocks…
…condescending answers.
Cancer Jiles: Oh look, he put up a better fight than Nova.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO~~!!!!!!!!!
The Maestro laughs like he’s never laughed before. Amazingly, it can be heard over all the booing. Dooze takes the fan’s hat off and looks over at Bobby as if he’s seen a ghost. Bobby, as per, mirrors the same look as Dooze, and in turn naturally shares the overall dumbfoundedness with Jiles. Jiles, who is still laughing and gassing, breaks from such behavior when he realizes that the fan is not a fan at all. In fact, he is a former member of the eGG Bandits.
Cancer Jiles: Well would you look at this? It’s the guy who could have had it all – egg in the palm of his hand – Zeb Martin. I’m touched you came all this way my old pup, but sorry, we’re not giving out any treats at this time.
Bobby’s jaw drops as if Jiles had just crushed the man from Honalee’s will to live. What type of world is this with no treats? It is in this moment that Zeb is able to squirm off the hook, and reset his sights on Jiles. However, Doozer, the old war chest Bandit, proves to be sharp in his old age and stops the attack by planting the former Bandit into the canvas with his finishing move- The Abuser.
Cancer Jiles: I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you Zeb. HA. Get it.
Dooze rolls his eyes ala LT, and that takes longer than it should. Old eyes and such. His body language would say he didn’t like doing what he did, but he did it anyway. So, conflicted Bostonian.
Cancer Jiles: Let that serve as a reminder that the North won, you crumb.
The Maestro lands a stiff kick or two to the former Bandit before readdressing the audience.
Cancer Jiles: And let what just happened here serve as a reminder to anyone who thinks they can skip to the front of the line and shoot their shot. Don’t. Save it. Save yourself the trouble. I said it before, and I’ll say it again— this is our show now. My hair hasn’t looked better. Bobby Dean is one-fifthteen pounds lighter when the camera is on him, and Doozer can actually be seen without the use of a mirror. We have revived ReVival.
BOOOOOOO~!
Bob plops down on Zeb in such a way to really make sure he doesn’t go anywhere this time. Bob’s legs were also getting tired, he DID wrestle against three men earlier, he deserves a bit of a rest.
Cancer Jiles: Go ahead and boo. It doesn’t matter for how long or for how loud– it’s still going to be our show when you’re done. We’re dug in, entrenched like ticks, and we’re going to drain PRIME dry because vampires are yesterday’s news.
A garlic clove gets thrown into the ring. Doozer hisses, but he’s allergic to garlic so it’s warranted.
Cancer Jiles: Don’t like it? Too bad. We don’t care. At all. And if any of those antiques you call heroes want to do something about it; I dare any of them to find the courage and bravery needed to survive a night inside Doozer and Bobby Dean’s treehouse of terror.
Bobby’s jaw does that thing again. He quickly puts himself back together though, and starts to excitedly swirl the inside of his belly button in an effort to calm himself down. Doozer shares in the excitement, but simply smiles. The simple act causes the skin to crack on his face.
Oh.
Those are wrinkles.
Cancer Jiles: That’s right. When I said survive Doozer and Bobby Dean… I meant it!
Dooze raises his arms. It takes twelve seconds for them to finally get above his head.
Nick Stuart: Is Jiles saying what I think he is saying? Are Bobby Dean and Doozer going to represent the eGG Bandits?
Bob gets up from off of poor Zeb. You can visibly see the regret in both of their faces. Once on his feet Bobbo appears to start singing “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, causing Dooze to crack another smile.
Oh.
That’s him wincing.
Cancer Jiles: And since my name is already inscribed on a golden ticket, it is only fair that my fellow Bandits get the chance to etch their names in PRIME’s newer and better history as well. AND, to ensure that happens they and they alone will not only be taking on ALL challengers, but all challenges as well.
A sly wink from the COOLYMPIAN.
Richard Parker: Subtle. Real subtle. Can I vote this guy off this TV show yet? Prick.
Nick Stuart: Still mad about the handshake?
The three Bandits share in a hearty round of high fives and fist bumps. Jiles then motions for Dooze and Bobby to take the begotten and befallen former Bandit, Zeb Martin, into the back so that his cardboard status can properly be updated.
Richard Parker: Finally this idiot seems to be done. And that poor kid. Who knows if he’ll ever be seen or heard from again?
Dooze, Bob, and the soon-to-be-printed CBZ hastily disappear through the curtain.
Cancer Jiles: Now somebody tell Johnny Football to walk his big, ugly, mentally crippled ass down to the ring. He gets ball first, and it’s about time for the opening kick… if you catch my terminal drift.
Jiles tosses the microphone to ring announcer extraordinaire, Vince Howard. He then very reassuringly says to him, “don’t worry about it— I already took care of my introduction at the top when I said the next Universal Champion.”
Nick Stuart: He’s got a set of balls on him, I’ll give him that.