PRIME

Number One by Definition

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE GREAT MULTIVERSELAND

Event: ReVival 28

Event Date: 05/19/2023

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE GREAT MULTIVERSELAND

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE GREAT MULTIVERSELAND

We come back from commercial, where…oh no. What in the world is this!?

The PRIMEview gives us whatever the hell this is, before we fade from the poorly-constructed postcard to a shot of the Masters of the Moscowverse standing in front of a Russian backdrop.

Hey, remember when Richard Parker hoped there’d be no tomfoolery in this pretape?

He’s probably crying at the booth as we speak. Someone give him a hug.

Anyway, before we let the tragedy of this moment really sink in, Kenny Freeman speaks up in a decidedly terrible, terrible Russian accent.

Kenny Freeman: Greetings, comrades! Kenny Freeman here, coming to you live from Moscowverse! I stand here alongside–

Kenny stops, pulling out his reading glasses to see the cue cards that are offscreen.

Kenny Freeman: Randall Schwartzski, here today to talk to you about the dangers of capitalism. Take it away, Comrade Randall!

Randall rises to his feet from his wheelchair, boldly speaking in a surprisingly decent Russian accent of his own.

Randall Schwartz: Thank you, Comrade Kenny. Capitalism is dangerous.

This causes Kenny to just look over at his friend in confusion, forcing Randall to slowly drop back into his wheelchair before Kenny presses on.

Kenny Freeman: Thank you, Comrade Randall. My fellow PRIMEates, fear not! There is but one benefit to capitalism, and that is to fund communism! Please consider the following, new to the PRIMEporium.

Oh, now it all makes sense. We cut to something of an infomercial, as Kenny describes to us the absolute oddities that we’re looking at on screen.

Kenny Freeman: We of course have the Masters of the Moscowverse t-shirt, being for the benefit of the Motherland, but we also have…Crowd Cola! The only soda in the multiverse with a guaranteed pop every time, just like Mother used to make.

Someone is probably typing up a strongly-worded post for Jabber right now. Kenny does not care, he deleted that app a month ago. He presses on with something of a strained smirk on his face as he speaks once more.

Kenny Freeman: So please, benefit communism with the gift of your capitalist currency. Remember that money is but a number, but the proletariat is everything. Dyahah–

Kenny stops himself, realizing that the moment Ivan Stanislav sees this pretape he will probably yeet Kenny directly to the Motherland itself. He and Randall wave in silence, the sweat starting to flow from under Kenny’s cap as this shambles of a promotional tape fades to black.