BETWEEN TWO SUCCULENTS
PRE-RECORDED
A video comes to life, showing two chairs placed facing each other at TV angles. That is to say, they are angled at around forty-five degrees at proper conversation distance. On one of the chairs is a large photo of a jackass with C. Monrtgomery Buyrnes’ face superimposed over the head. There is a bowl of carrots on the floor. On the other chair is Scott Hunter, wearing thick horn-rimmed glasses and casual clothing, a light green polo shirt and some khaki shorts.
On either side of the chairs is a succulent. Two succulents.
NOT FERNS!
That is a disclaimer because this is an entirely original idea.
Scott Hunter: (smiling broadly) Hello and good evening to everyone in Prime. As you can see, it is me, Scott Hunter, small town hero, notary public, and professional wrestler. I also can legally run an alligator farm in Broward county and I once slid into the DMs of Angela Lansbury. I know the name of that county rhymes with ‘coward’ but if you call me one I will fight you. Also I was disappointed to find out that Ms. Lansbury wasn’t actually a singing pot like in the wonderful documentary film Beauty and the Beast, but that’s neither here nor there.
Scott holds up a piece of paper and peers down at it, squinting. From the viewers’ perspective his eyes look gigantic, like the largest set of googly eyes available for purchase at Party City, based on a quick internet search.
Scott Hunter: My guest of course is a man who needs an introduction, but will not get one! That’s because nobody cares. Still, his name is C. Montgomery Byrnes, or C. Mortgomery Byrnes, or C. Thisrash Byrnes. I don’t know, I’m still working out the consonants. But he is my opponent this week, so hello Mr. Byrnes and welcome to ‘Between Two Succulents’. Also, our musical guests were scheduled to be the band Foreigner, but I sent them home because I already know what love is so I don’t want them to show me.
Scott gestures to the bowl on the floor.
Scott Hunter: As you can see I have provided you with a bowl of carrots because I have heard that jackasses like carrots and also my mom taught me to offer a snack to house guests. She also taught me how to pop the clutch on a 1964 Chrysler Newport, which is information that will be important later on in my time with PRIME. Now, Mr. Byrnes, I would like to ask you a series of questions and you should feel free to answer in any way you like. You may also make neighing sounds because I have a jackass-to-human-language translator on staff.
Scott waits for acknowledgement, but doesn’t get any, because there is not an actual person there. His expectations are too high.
Scott Hunter: Okay then. Here is the first question. How do you feel knowing that you will lose to me in record time this week?
Scott waits for an answer again but nothing happens.
Scott Hunter: (nodding) I see. That’s very interesting. Is it intimidating to be in the same room as I am considering I am much stronger, more athletic and less prone to farting in church than you are? Also, why do you keep farting in church? It is a two part question.
Scott stares at the jackass/Byrnes amalgamation, and finally chuckles to himself lightly.
Scott Hunter: Touche’, touche’. I myself enjoy Mexican food whenever there is some available. Still, it seems a bit rude. Why are you so rude? Also, why are you also dumb, and also do you wear your mask when you go out to eat Mexican food because I am now thinking that is why you fart so much.
Still nothing from the inanimate object in the other chair. Scott holds up a finger threateningly.
Scott Hunter: You watch your mouth, mister! I’ll have you know that these questions were carefully crafted to offer you a chance to defend yourself and to make a case for why you are not a gigantic idiot with mashed peas for brains and a tiny tiny dic-tionary. You almost made me say a bad word but I avoided it as you can see, because I am so much smarter than you. In fact, I am so much smarter than you that – – –
Scott leaps to his feet and, screaming out ‘HIYAAAAAAH!!’ throws a hard karate kick to the donkey Byrnes picture making it snap right in two. He turns slowly toward the camera, holding his karate pose.
Scott Hunter: As you all can see, I have successfully completed my plan to lure my opponent this week onto a fake television program and then kick him right through his midsection and kill him. Normally I would not kick donkeys but this guy has been asking for it. Actually that was what legal scholars call a ‘demonstration’, but that’s pretty much what it would look like. I will close with this…
Scott relaxes and walks slowly toward the camera, then stops a few feet away, but close enough so that he is filling nearly the entire frame.
Scott Hunter: This week is only step one. I will defeat the donkey man with my hands, feet and knees, and possibly my elbows, but definitely my feet, and I will cement myself as the only living undefeated wrestler in PRIME history, which, if you don’t believe that you should jump into a lake without arm floaties and sink to the bottom like a common carnival worker. After that will come step two, and then step three, and then step whatever number comes after three. I don’t do math real good. It is my only weakness, that and citrus fruits. BUT YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT! EARMUFFS! Okay good, that was a close one. Tune in later tonight and watch me break a fake luchador’s face with my fists and then hurt his knees real bad with my legs, live and in living blue color here on ReVival 33. And then I will take out an entire row of fans by swinging my sword like Sauron during the Fellowship of the Ring prologue. I’m just kidding. That scene was awesome. But I’m serious about the hurting his knees with my legs thing. Until next time, this has been ‘Between Two Succulents’. This is Scott Hunter saying… bye.
We then fade to the most popular area of the PPG Arena today… the parking lot… for another pre-recorded tape!