BOBBY DEAN vs. CHANDLER TSONDA
As Tsonda and Bobby eye one another up, Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell and the match starts.
Nick Stuart: This is a mismatch of a battle in size but not in allure. You have the Beautiful Man from Honalee vs The Model Citizen in what is sure to be a classic in looks, if nothing else.
Richard Parker: That’s true, but the question is, can they match up stylistically? These two are very different in that regard.
As the bell rings, Tsonda goes straight to work, peppering the lower extremities of Bobby. The beautiful one winces cartoonishly with each strike and hops on each foot as he gets struck. Finally, he seems to have had enough and lashes out as Jimmy Turnbull is circling behind Tsonda and pokes him in the eye.
Tsonda recoils, and Dean is quick in the way only he can be to close the distance, and grabs Tsonda in a side headlock. As Bobby grinds Chandler’s head into his ample torso, the Model gets a full look at Bobby’s underboob. The horrors within cause him to recoil and start to drop sharp elbows into Bobby’s breadbarrel which breaks the hold.
Nick Stuart: There’s a sight no man should have to endure.
Richard Parker: You ever wonder what is trapped in there?
Nick Stuart: I try not to think about it, partner.
Richard Parker: I bet it’s cheese doodles.
Chandler goes on the attack again, trying to effectively snuff any attempt at offense by the much slower Dean by feinting, sidestepping and lifting kicks into his torso. The rotund mass jiggles with each strike, but before long, the effect is felt and Bobby start wincing and trying to block. It’s then that Tsonda launches a Question Mark kick that snaps past Dean’s torso defense and catches him behind the ear and puts him on the mat.
The Viet Viper is quick to keep on the assault, eschewing his normal tendency to go for the big spot and instead goes for efficiency, going for an early pin.
Bobby kicks out and Tsonda looks to Jimmy Turnbull, but the ref holds up a finger so Chandler accepts the count.
Nick Stuart: Chandler is on his game tonight. No wasted movement, no wasted time.
Richard Parker: Well, Nick, maybe he realizes that there is a huge weight advantage and with the history he has with back injuries, he has to get this over with quickly before Bobby has a chance to start leaning on him.
Nick Stuart: That seems likely. The eGG Bandit knows his strengths, or lack thereof, and it’s only a matter of time before he leans into that tactic.
Chandler decides to stomp on Bobby, but after laying in the first boot, Bobby shouts in pain and starts rolling around on the ground evading Tsonda’s attacks. Jimmy Turnbull tries to make sense of the situation as one stomp after another lands on the mat, but none seem to find purchase. Finally a frustrated Viper telegraphs a stomp and Bobby catches his foot. The much larger man grabs Tsonda’s leg and begins to grapple his way up, slowly putting more and more weight on the smaller man.
As Bobby works his way up, he begins to drag Chandler to the mat and now that Bobby has all of his leg and is slowly working his way up to his waist, Tsonda just does not have the mass to escape. Soon he finds himself seated on the mat and his legs are completely encased in the slow moving entity that is Bobby Dean. He tries desperate palm strikes and punches, but there is little to no effect on the creeping mass that is engulfing him.
Nick Stuart: This is a new tactic! Bobby is very nearly twice the weight of his opponent and he is attacking almost like a gelatinous cube in Dungeons and Dragons!
Richard Parker: ROLL A DC 12 DEX SAVE CHANDLER!
Nick Stuart: Wait, shouldn’t it be a DC 12 strength check?
Richard Parker: No, that is to break out when completely engulfed, not when trying to escape being engulfed.
Nick puts up a finger and reaches down, rifling through something below the desk. He pulls out a 5E Monster Manual and starts flipping through pages as Richard watches.
Richard Stuart: I believe you will find what you are looking for under “oozes”.
Nick flips to the page and looks up at Richard who gives a knowing nod. Nick starts mouthing words as he reads.
Nick Stuart: I stand corrected, sir.
Meanwhile back in the ring, Bobby has almost made it to strength check level engulfment and has dragged Chandler to the mat. Tsonda looks completely out of his depth on how to handle this kind of mass, let alone escape the hold.
Jimmy Turnbull checks on the competitors, looking to see if Tsonda is going to submit to this bizarre tactic. However, as Chandler feels the impending creep of doom, he has an idea and starts to throw his head backward, smashing it into the face of The Beautiful Man from Honalee. The hometown crowd starts to get behind Tsonda as he hits Bobby again and again.
Bobby begins to shake his head and realizes he can’t keep this attack up any longer or he will look more like the Michelin Man from Honalee. He finally releases his grip and trundles to his feet slowly holding his snout. Tsonda springs up faster than any old man should and bounces off the ropes into a bulldog to the floundering Dean.
Nick Stuart: Another attack on Dean’s face! It’s almost like Tsonda is trying to show him who is the one who will walk away still looking good!
Richard Parker: You’re right Nick, he really does seem to be favoring Bobby’s face.
Bobby gets to his feet, hands on his knees huffing and puffing as Chandler runs to the rope, bounces off, and Sunset Flips into a pin!
Nick Stuart: That was a close one and Tsonda has to be feeling himself right now with this burst of offense. He is a lot more focused than usual in there!
Richard Parker: For someone of his caliber in this company, it has to be difficult to come back and not have a win yet.
Tsonda doesn’t let up, pulling the much larger man to his feet and going back to work on his torso with snap kicks and constant movement. Bobby does the exact same thing as before and shrieks as he protects his torso with his hands. Chandler smirks as he tries to snap another Question Mark kick, but Bobby ducks and pushes him forward into the corner hard, causing Tsonda to stumble out holding his back before he falls to his knees.
Bobby seems to understand it’s “now or never” time as he picks the Model Citizen to his feet and pushes him back into the corner. He turns and blows a kiss to a lady in the front row before grabbing the ropes and plowing into Tsonda with his ass repeatedly.
Nick Stuart: That cannot feel good. That’s a lot of weight and despite the cushion, people aren’t meant to absorb blows like that.
Richard Parker: Someone should put a sign on that rear end and declare it a weapon.
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe you would think that it isn’t already thought of as a weapon. Plus, he’s an eGG Bandit, the odds are good SOMEONE has already done so.
Richard Parker: Let’s not ruin a perfectly good match by bringing HIM up.
Nick Stuart: Agreed!
Back at the action, Bobby grabs Tsonda by the scruff of the neck and spins him in a circle three times with showmanship while he pulls his trunks open. Tsonda’s eyes go wide, and with audible (and not a small amount of physical) protest, Chandler’s head is stuffed inside Bobby Dean’s No-No Zone.
The Beautiful Man lifts Tsonda up for the Deaner Weiner and holds him in place struggling.
Nick Stuart: Tsonda is fighting back! But all Bobby has to do is drop into place and he could take him out of this match!
Chandler flails his hands and starts grasping for anything to get him the hell out of this predicament when his hands go into Bobby’s shorts, and he comes up with a handful of hair. Bobby’s eyes go wide as he realizes what is about to happen and Chandler rips two voluminous handfuls of Bobby Dean’s luscious lower mane.
Bobby howls in pain and drops Chandler. Tsonda looks at his hands, horrified and shakes them out as soon as possible. Dark hair scatters all over as Tsonda tries to get it off his hands.
Richard Parker: The carpet doesn’t match the drapes!!!
Tsonda takes advantage of the moment to run to the ropes, springs over Bobby as he does. He leaps to the highest rope he can to get max height and flips with a high angle moonsault!
Nick Stuart: The Model Citizen! That has to be it!
Tsonda wastes no time in going for the pin and Jimmy Turnbull slides into place.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: And your winner…. CHAAAAAAANDLEEEEER TSOOOOOOONDAAAAA!!!
Nick Stuart: I’ve seen a lot of things, but I’ve never seen that set-up move before! Chandler Tsonda gets his first win in PRIME!
Richard Parker: And Bobby Dean might be bald… well, his majestic man forest might be anyhow.
Nick Stuart: Let’s agree never to talk about the things we’ve seen today, shall we?
Richard Parker: I think that’s for the best.
The match ends with Chandler’s hand raised victoriously. Bobby is kneeling, trying to shovel his hair back in his trousers. And on that terrible disappointment, Tropical Turmoil heads to commercial.