BOBBY DEAN vs. HAYES HANLON
Nick Stuart: Up next is Hayes Hanlon against yet another eGG Bandit. Two matches in a row for the Event Horizon.
Richard Parker: Hopefully Hayes has all of his immunization shots. Someone said backstage that Bob’s third chin has a cold sore.
We Came as Romans
“Black Hole”
White flash bulbs? Check. Encroaching black hole shaking the screen on the PRIME*View? Check. Bellowing fans in the MGM Grand Garden Arena? Check.
Silhouette of one magnificently muscled frame against the wall of white light?
Check.
Nick Stuart: And the show! Goes! On!
The Event Horizon emerges as the white light fades out, holding the pose of one hand reaching to the sky, eyes closed, breathing in deep through his nose. He snaps out of it, making his way to the ring as the music slows.
Vince Howard: Our next match of the evening is scheduled for one fall! First to the ring, from West Linn, Oregon! He stands six feet, three inches tall and weighs in at two-hundred and sixty-one pounds…The Event Horizon…HAYES!! HANLOONNN!!!
Nick Stuart: Young Hanlon returns to the ring after a milestone comeback at ReVival 11. After losing his Five Star Title to Rezin at Great American Nightmare, Hayes found himself against Cancer Jiles in the main event, where he took a hellacious beating from the COOLympian, leaving him with a fractured hand.
Richard Parker: Jiles did a number on him, yes, but you know what happened next, Nick? Bambi SCRAMBLED. THAT. EGG! What a moment in PRIME!
Nick Stuart: And tonight, here at ReVival 13, the Event Horizon’s hand looks to be cleared for action and he’s back for seconds against “Beautiful” Bobby Dean.
Hayes soaks it in as he steps through the ropes, ascending the second rope of the far turnbuckle, leaning back over the post with chest pointed to the sky per usual as the chorus strikes. As the music fades and the crowd relaxes, Hayes waits patiently in his corner, rubbing his “Bobby Dean Belly” as he stares up the ramp.
Then…
“YOU’RE THE BEST” by Joe Esposito hits. Bobby Dean, The Man From Honalee, in all of his baby blue glory, strides out from behind the curtain. The crowd is warm to receive him.
BOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: I wonder how many times Bobby Dean will have to stop before finally getting down to the ring?
Nick Stuart: That depends. What if he has someone talking him up on his way down?
On cue, Cancer Jiles, dressed down in street clothes, unexpectedly pops out from Bob’s shadow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: Not this worm! He’s got no business being out here!
The Bandit duo heads down to the ring, only stopping twice. Once for Bobby to catch his breath, and a second time for Jiles to belittle the same MESSIAH incel from before.
Vince Howard: And his opponent… hailing from a town called Honalee. Weighing three hundred sixty nine pounds, and standing six feet zero inches tall. Representing the eGG Bandits, BEAUUUUUTIFULLLLLL BOBBY DEAN!!!!!!
The two reach ringside, and after some presumably encouraging words for his friend’s ear, a flurry of guaranteed to be vile insults towards an unimpressed Homerun Hanlon, and a stern admonishment from junior referee Ashley Barlow, Jiles still doesn’t leave ringside.
Richard Parker: What the?
Nick Stuart: Don’t look, don’t look. He’s coming this way.
Jiles grabs a chair and approaches the announce team. Instead of putting Dirty Dick in the ground, he plops down next to him, grabs a headset, and joins the broadcast.
Cancer Jiles: Dick.
Richard Parker: You’ve got to be kidding me?! Someone in the back tell Lindz to get out here and deal with this.
Cancer Jiles: (laughing) Good luck. Mom loves us.
Bobby takes the steps up and slowly enters the ring. He effortlessly removes his silk robe, all the while sillily laughing at Hayes. Hayes, who isn’t too fond of what is happening outside the ring, pleads his case to Barlow.
Cancer Jiles: What a crumb. Just ring the bell already! Tell her, Dick.
Richard Parker: I will do no such thing.
After some posturing, Jiles assures all parties he will keep seated throughout the contest. Scouts honor, hand on the Bible type of stuff. His nose is also 15 inches long.
Richard Parker: WAIT! She’s not going to allow this! She can’t. THIS CAN NOT STAND!
Bobby and Hayes get a quick rundown of the rules. During which Bob has an awkward smile on his face, and his index finger twirling inside his belly button. Hayes furrows his brow, and twists his mustache.
Barlow calls for the bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: And we’re under way!
Cancer Jiles: Should be a good contest. Has that MAIN EVENT feel.
Hayes and Bobby lock horns. Bobby uses his massive weight advantage to wrangle the taller Hayes into the corner. He doesn’t necessarily attack The Event Horizon, but he does try to smother him like a cigarette in an ashtray.
Cancer Jiles: I said has that MAIN EVENT feel.
The Beaute leans in, really leveraging his weight. He then sneaks in an elbow to Hayes sternum. The move robs both men of their breath.
Cancer Jiles: I SAID HAS THAT MAIN EVENT FEEL.
Nick Stuart: Say, speaking of the MAIN EVENT, and seeing how you’ll face the winner at UltraViolence, who do you think will prevail later tonight? Youngblood or Atken?
Cancer Jiles: You ribbing me, Nick?
Hayes manages to squirm under the top rope, causing Ashley Barlow to break the “rest” hold. Bobby takes one step back before sneakily jabbing him in the eye with his thumb. Barlow tells Bob if he does something like that again it’s over, but Bob is too busy giving Jiles a glowing thumbs up to care.
Cancer Jiles: Guess the tip worked out, didn’t it now, Nick? Go get ‘em, Bobby! For the Bandits!
Nick Stuart: Is that what you told him before the match?
Cancer Jiles: I told him if he loses he has to go back to High Octane with Doozer.
Nick Stuart: Care to elaborate any further on that comment?
Cancer Jiles: No.
Bobby grips up Hayes and plants him into the canvas with a scoop slam. He then bounces off the short side of the ring ropes and drops an elbow on his opponent’s chest. He quickly goes for a cover. That, or he lazily goes for a cover since he couldn’t get up and decided to just lay there instead.
ONE
TW–
Hayes kicks out on an early two. Bobby stammers to his feet, quicker than usual, and nonchalantly/accidentally stands on Hayes’ hand in the process. Hanlon screams out in horrific pain, and desperately tries to free himself and his hairline fracture from Bob’s tonnage.
Cancer Jiles: Homerun Hayes would have a better chance at getting his hand free if were trapped under my second cousin’s hammer. HA!
Richard Parker: YOU SHIT STAIN I’VE BEEN OFF AIR THIS ENTIRE TIME!
Cancer Jiles: Shame, ain’t it.
Richard Parker: And to think I wasted all that time talking about your last MAIN EVENT and congratulating you on your earlier dark match.
Bob notices what’s going on, and shifts all of his weight onto Hayes’ hand. Hanlon’s face starts to turn ghost white. Barlow bends down on a knee and asks if the former Five Star Champion has had enough.
Richard Parker: Not like this.
Cancer Jiles: Just like this. CRACK HIM, BOBBY!
Luckily for the former Five Star Champion, Bob loses his balance when trying to really zero in, and lifts his fat foot just long enough for Hayes to slide his hand out from underneath it.
Nick Stuart: I have a feeling that hand is going to be a problem later.
Famished, Bobby wipes the sweat from his forehead while Hayes rolls around on the mat in utter agony.
Cancer Jiles: Poor guy. Hopefully his hand is okay.
Richard Parker: Jerk off.
Cancer Jiles: What he does while wearing Youngblood’s singlet is none of my business.
Richard Parker: You really have zero shame?
Cancer Jiles: I’ve managed to hijack most of this match so far, so yeah, I guess you could say that.
Hayes gets to his feet just as Bob catches his breath. The two men go to lock up again, but this time Hayes ducks under. Bob turns around and eats a stiff, short clothesline that causes the Bandit to wobble backwards and wave his arms in the air to gain better footing. Hayes shakes the pain from his hand, bounces off the ropes, leaps, and delivers a shoulder block.
Nick Stuart: Momentum starting to switch! But with that hand being the way that it is, can Hanlon get the big man down?
Richard Parker: If he just waits a few more minutes Bob will probably fall over from diabetic shock so it’s just a matter of playing his cards right.
Bob stumbles back from the blow, but the ropes are there to keep him up. Hayes pops up to his feet, charges, and delivers a flying knee that lands square on Bob’s first chin. The momentum from the impactful move causes both men to be carried over the top rope and to the outside. Of course they both fall near the announce team. Barlow moves in to check on the wreckage and better position herself to prevent Jiles from interfering. It’s not like he’s coiled up, and ready to Termiblast should a timely arena wide blackout occur.
Oh wait.
He is like that.
Richard Parker: You said you’d stay seated.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think he can hear you. Plus, do you feel that? It’s freezing all of a sudden, and I can taste salt in the air.
A quick replay of the move shows both men landing on the outside. Bob landed on his second roll, so while the knee was spot on the afterbirth wasn’t a complete direct hit. Hayes smacked the shit out of his hand on the landing, and upon closer inspection said hand is starting to noticeably swell.
Nick Stuart: That doesn’t look good.
Richard Parker: Looks like someone blew up a surgical glove and attached it to his wrist.
Hanlon gets to his feet, reaches out to grab Bob by the hair, but has to pull back when trying to grip since it’s his bad hand. Bob thrusts up like he farted, and lands a beautiful headbutt to the chin of the Event Horizon. Hanlon’s momentum puts him back inside the ring. Bob takes a small break on the outside to plead with a fan for a quick snack before he too finds his way back into the ring.
Nick Stuart: Sure would be something if Bobby didn’t need to rest like he does.
Cancer Jiles: Quit hating, Nick! And screw that fan! Loser! Yeah you! You selfish crumb! You’re lucky I can’t stand up or else!
Hanlon meets Dean in the center of the ring and throws a punch with his good hand, but then follows it up with a punch from his bad hand.
Not a good idea.
The pain makes Hayes go rigid.
Bobby, being that he’s been out there for a little while now and has had nothing to snack on, grabs Hayes by the arm, pulls him close, and clamps down on that bad hand of his.
With his mouth.
Hanlon screams out in pain yet again.
Barlow reaches the count of four before Bobby releases the clench.
Hayes falls to his knees, gingerly holding his wrist so as to not let his hand move. The camera zooms in and you can see the teeth imprint Bob left among the ghastly swelling.
Bob grabs Hanlon by the hair, pulls him upright, and lands a couple of stiff chops to his opponent’s chest. He then scoops him up and positions him for his famed Danshoku Driver.
Aka, the Deaner Weiner.
Cancer Jiles: Did you know that Doozer was using a broom to tickle Bob down there to get him ready for Hayes’ mustache?
Nick Stuart: That’s…
Richard Parker: Fitting.
Bob shuffles.
Hanlon squirms.
Cancer Jiles: Say Dick, what’s the best part of Thanksgiving?
Richard Parker: Falling asleep early on the couch so I wouldn’t have to listen to you?
Cancer Jiles: I do suppose it would depend on the couch, you clever little crumb. Nick, do you care to answer?
Nick Stuart: The turkey?
Cancer Jiles: Wrong. It’s the stuffing.
With his free hand Bob grabs his tights and pulls them outwards. Hayes gets a look at the abyss he is heading towards and starts to wildly flail his legs in an effort to escape Bob’s grasp.
Cancer Jiles: Use your hand, Hayes. Push off of him.
A manic cackle booms from out of Jiles.
Richard Parker: Dear God no!
Nick Stuart: Oh my! Bobby Dean just stuffed Hayes Hanlon’s head in his wrestling tights!
Before Bob can spike Hayes, he releases his grasp and Hayes squiggles free.
Cancer Jiles: Don’t tell me he Best’d him!
When Hanlon reemerges from his trip into the unknown his eyes are wide open, and you can see the adrenaline coursing through his eyelids.
Even more strange than that?
In his mouth there’s an aqua sock. Yes. An aqua sock.
Richard Parker: Because stuffing his junk with regular socks to make his “shriveled penis” appear bigger just wouldn’t do.
Cancer Jiles: Don’t know that. It could have been lodged under his fupa and Hayes’ mustache tickled him in just the right spot.
Nick Stuart: What has this broadcast become?
Disgusted, The Event Horizon throws the aqua sock into the crowd, and some lucky fan just caught a personalized VD because of it.
Nick Stuart: I can’t stop thinking if there’s another one hidden down there?
With his secret now out, Hanlon grabs the shell-shocked Bobby Dean and tries to wrap his arms around his massive waist. However, he has to interlock his hands to do so and that’s just not happening.
Nick Stuart: I knew that hand was going to be a factor!
Bob becomes undazzled from his loss of bulge, wraps up Hayes and plants him with a Belly to Belly suplex. Once again he either decides to hold the finish or is too lazy to continue with the assault.
Barlow drops down for a count.
ONE
TWO
THRE—
Cancer Jiles: I guess she went to the same school Timo did.
Nick Stuart: Hayes got a shoulder up! He’s still in this one!
Bobby rolls off Hayes. He takes his time getting back to his feet. Hanlon is lying there, flat like a pancake. Bob takes the deepest of breaths, and hits the ropes. He then leaps, which is to say he was a few inches from off the ground, and goes to drop his big old stinky ass on Hayes’ face.
Nick Stuart: Hayes rolled out of the way!
Richard Parker: This must feel like deja vu for you, huh Jiles?
Bobby is down on his butt. Hayes is back up on his feet, waiting for his opponent to stir.
Richard Parker: Looks like we could be here for a while. Say, any chance you’ve changed your mind and have an opinion on tonight’s MEGA SPECTACULAR MAIN EVENT?
Cancer Jiles: …
Richard Parker: What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Bob is up. He’s wobbly, and grabbing at his backside as if he shit himself. Meanwhile, Hayes has been busy revving up the engine in the corner, and explodes forward with a massive clothesline that knocks Bobby back down. Hanlon doesn’t waste any time, and escorts Bobby back up to his feet.
Richard Parker: No shot he’s going to try and pop him up. Not with one hand!
Hayes somehow listens, or shows signs of maturity. Or his hand really hurts so instead of The Epoch…
Nick Stuart: Flash Point! FLASH POINT! Quick cover!
Richard Parker: See ya next time, Jiles, ta ta. Oh wait I’m getting my Bandits mixed up. Love ya, Bob! Better luck in High Octane!
Hanlon doesn’t waste a second. He hooks the leg as best he can, and Ashley Barlow drops down to make the count.
Cancer Jiles: Mother. Fucker.
ONE
TWO
THREE
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: And here is your winner, The Event Horizon, Hayes Hanlon!!!!
Nick Stuart: What a match! And another win for Hayes Hanlon! He’s got them Bandits’ number it seems!
Richard Parker: You just hate to see it, don’t ya Cancer? Uh, Cancer?
The shot heads to break with both competitors laying in the ring. In the background you can see Jiles storming up the entrance ramp looking like he’s on the verge of another epic tantrum. In the reverse shot Richard Parker can be seen waving goodbye to him.
Cut to commercial.