BRO, COME WITH ME TO A WORLD OF PURE INFATUATION
We’ve had the cold open, we’ve had Freeman versus Zion which makes this segment one and you know what that means?
MAX KAEL? SEGMENT BABY.
Somewhere in the bowels of the KFC Yum! Center were the tantalizing trio of Max Kael?, Violent Purple and U.N. Couth. They appeared to be situated somewhere near where they process the six legged mutant boneless chicken into tenders, allegedly.
Max Kael?: Did you just see that match!?
Couth and Purple turned to stare at Max before shaking their heads.
U.N.Couth: Why the fuck would I watch the match? You’re the one who’s gonna have to face the winner.
Violent Purple: Also you’ve been standing next to us all afternoon, you literally just stared at the wall and kept muttering “Good Move” to yourself.
Max Kael?: Nah, that doesn’t sound like me.
All three then turn to look at the camera as though seeking the camera operator’s opinion. After a moment of hesitation the camera nods in agreement with VP and Couth.
Max Kael?: Fiddlesticks! But seriously, did anyone see the match?
This time it certainly seems like Max is asking the question in earnest clearly having paid little to no attention to the start of the conversation. Couth rolled her eyes and stepped away to smoke a cigarette, unlawfully, muttering something about losers.
Violent Purple: Focus up you dumb-idiot, you’ve got Hayes tonight in the first round of the Almasy!
CRACK!
Quick as a hick-up Purple sent a hard handful of Violent palm across Max’s face. The Questionable Kael’s head snapped to the side as his expression was a pained O-face.
Max Kael?: …ow. Okay, fuck, I’m focused. I’m focused! Scoop Slams, Choke Bombs, Mustache Rides, Oh my!
As he spoke Max recovered, rubbing the blooming red flesh on the side of his face Violent had just struck.
Violent Purple: Okay, if you’re focused, what’s the strategy we worked over?
Kael straightened back out while fishing a few note cards from his pocket. Shuffling through them, much to Violent Purple’s irritation, he finally finds the one he had been searching for. He caught Violents sour expression and simply shrugged.
Max Kael?: What? If I write them down, I won’t have to remember! Anyway.. Strategies for defeating Hayes Haylon, a co-production between Violent Purple and my goodly good self, Max Kael?. First, we m-
Before he can begin Max is distracted by a large, greasy looking pipe running just over his head.
Max Kael?: Woah.. I did not notice that earlier. That does not look healthy or safe. I really don’t feel comfortable standing under that thing. I bet that’s the main Grease Line for the central Chicken Frying vats. This place is disgusting.
Violent simply glares at Max and surmised that he was simply dragging his feet. She crossed her arms and tilted her head back to peer at Max down her nose. Despite being shorter than Max, Violent found ways to make herself seem bigger.
Violent Purple: The name of this place has NOTHING to do with making Fried Chicken. It’s just a name some corporation paid to get slapped up on this building for marketing. You. Fucking. Idiot.
Having grown frustrated with Max, Purple throws her hands into the air and storms off, likely to join her Aunt in an illegal indoor smoke. Kael continued to stand there looking like a kid who was in a lot of trouble before something caught his attention just off screen. As the camera panned back we could see a small side of KFC Mashed Potatoes and Gravy sitting on the ground. Max stepped over and picked up the potatoes before he noticed there was a side of KFC coleslaw a few more feet away.
Max Kael?: Oh snap! Coleslaw too?! I hope I don’t shit myself when I wrestle Hayes later!
But it only got better from here for the Questionable Kael. A few more feet away was a small KFC Double Down. And still a few more feet beyond that a box of five Extra Crispy Chicken Tenders.
Max Kael?: BIG BOX MEEEAAAAAALL!!!!
And then?
A single Taco Bell Chalupa situated near a stack of black equipment boxes. As Max peered down at it the sound of a distant owl hooting could be heard. This noise caused Max to stare at the camera incredulously.
Max Kael?: ..was that an owl?
Voice: WOOT! MAX, over here!
Poking his head out from behind a stack of sound gear crates is PRIME’s resident gamer, “n1ghtcraw1er” Eddie Cross. He has what looks like a gaming deck in one hand and a bottle of Code Red in the other.
Eddie Cross: Bruh, I found a perfect room to game in. Let’s go while they’re distracted.
Max is caught off guard by the sudden appearance of Eddie as he jumps back, his arms raising in a defensive position. Once he realizes that it is Eddie, however, he eases his stance, a toothy grin spreading across his face.
Max Kael?: Oh duuuude, Ed-Dee Cross, watch out, there’s food laying around and I mean to find it all. They only feed me this weird protein paste called “Meat?”.
The Questionable Kael grimaces as he reflects on the taste of “Meat?”, not a YUM! Product.
Eddie Cross: Well, I have something better than that. I have a whole two pound bag of sour gummy worms.
Max looks at him blankly.
Eddie Cross: Wait a minute… You’ve never had sour gummy worms?
Max shakes his head and opens one eye further than the other to further register his confusion.
Eddie Cross: So you’re gonna tell me you’ve never had licorice ropes, no nacho cheese tortilla chips, or fruit chews?
Max Kael?: Do I look like the type of guy who sits around and eats worms and tortilla chews?
Eddie Cross: Oh come on bruh. You haven’t had any peanut butter cups, caramel toffee delights, chocolate crunch bars, chili corn chips, microwave pizza rolls, wild cherry soda, or jelly beans?
Max Kael?: Why would I eat a cup? Or a wild cherry bean? Microwaves chili crunch bars? You’re not making any sense.
Eddie Cross: You’re gonna stand there, asking to play video games, and tell me you’ve never had no saltwater taffy, lemon drops, bottle pops, marshmallow cream cups, hot tamales, red hots (a.k.a cinnamon imperials), chupa chups, french burnt peanuts, fun dip, with or without the stick, or one single circus peanut?
Max looks a little uncomfortable at this point at the line of junk food and candy types that he had never, at least that he could remember, indulged in.
Max Kael?: First, some of those sound racist and I’m not like that. Second, I only eat canned “Meat?” protein paste.
Eddie Cross: Well, see there’s your problem. It’s not about what they give you, it’s about what you like, bruh. Come on, let’s go have some of the good stuff.
Max Kael?: Good? Stuff? Listen, “Meat?” is a quality brand sold to 3rd World Countries, like North Korea, to ensure their people have full bellies! If it’s good enough for Prison 293901, it’s good enough for Max Kael?.
Eddie Cross: Whaaat? No, bruh, you need stuff that will get you wired so you can stay up all night playing Call of Duty!
Max Kael?: I once tried to wire a cat. A lot harder than I anticipated. Why is this food… good?
Eddie Cross: Well… uh… might as well ask why Metal Gear Solid is good? Why is the XBOX controller good? Why is Rosario Dawson playing Ahsoka Tano good? Man, it’s junk food. You shovel it in your mouth till you get sick, you eat enough to see the ghost of Willy Wonka, eat half a dozen pixy stix at a time and wash them down with an energy drink.
The Questionable Kael turns his eyes on the junk food, lighting up like a kid on Christmas when the moment of excitement is dashed. U.N. Couth and Violent Purple arrive, cigarettes clenched in their lips, pouring porta potty fluid all over a nice, smore campfire.
U.N. Couth: What in the flaming FUCK is going on here?! It’s this guy again!
The old crone, Ulsa N. Couth, pulls her menthol from her chapped lips, stabbing the smoking end of the dart toward Eddie Cross. Violent Purple immediately recognizes Eddie and quickly moves to calm Couth down.
Violent Purple: Easy, easy. This is Eddie Cross, he’s one of the guys on the list. Max, go with Couth and get ready for your match. I want to talk with Mister Cross for a moment.
Ulsa grabs Max by the collar and yanks him away from Eddie. With a quick flick of his wrist Eddie manages to toss Max a salt water taffy without VP or Couth noticing. Kael squirrels the candy away before being dragged off. Violent crosses her arms over her chest as she steps directly up to Eddie meeting his eye.
Violent Purple: So what are we going to do with you then, darling?
The camera cuts as we are left with the tension between Eddie and Violent left unresolved.