BRO, WE’RE NUMBER ONE!
We cut to a close up shot of a pair of black leather loafers and bedazzled purple. As the camera slowly panned up to reveal that the black loafers belonged to the weathered old U.N. Couth. Meanwhile the bedazzled purple crocs were attached to the two month old Max Kael?.
To be rest assured, they were also wearing clothes. Couth wore a deep blue 80ies style power suit complete with two inch thick shoulder pads. She has a long cigarette holder clenched between her teeth which was indeed holding a smoldering cigarette. Max was in his wrestling gear minus his boots and kickpads, obvs. There is an awkward, silent few seconds before the camera operator clears their throat.
U.N. Couth: Are we live?!
The camera motioned up and down to the affirmation.
U.N. Couth: Oh. Shit.
The hag pinched the cherry of her cigarette snuffing it out before handing the holder to Max.
U.N. Couth: Hold that for mama. Ke..KE..KAFF KAFF!
The woman lets out a ragged cough which causes her whole body to shutter. Max didn’t seem concerned as he examined the cigarette holder like a toddler enjoying the jingle jangle of a set of keys. As Couth rights herself she fixes her eyes on the camera.
U.N. Couth: Hello cash-money hunnies, U.N. Couth here, the legal representative and handler for PRIME Superstar, Max Kael?! In just one week we jumped from being the seven A segment spot to the coveted first segment!
Kael furrows his brow and thinks on that for a brief moment.
Max Kael?: I think you want the Cold Opening or the close of the show, those are the two most coveted spots. Or In-Rings. Pretty sure this is going to be pre-recorded anyway, it’s Wednesday and the show is on Friday.. so..
U.N. Couth: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Max Kael?: I wish I was. The good news is that I’m probably taking a nap right now. Max loves his nappies.
Couth stared at Max who went back to examining the cigarette holder. Huffing angrily Couth turned her attention back to the camera.
U.N. Couth: Well if Max Kael? can’t even score a live segment then guess what? Nobody gets to hear his beautiful, golden voice! No Promos! Nothing! The only statement that Max Kael? will be making in PRIME today-
Max Kael: In three days.
U.N. Couth: God damn it, Max, I’m trying to control the narrative! Shut up! Where was I? Oh right, ABE LIPSCHITZ, Max Kael? makes a statement in his debut match by putting you down for the ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR..
She hesitated for a second before looking at Max for guidance, the women clearly unaware of how long a pinfall was.
U.N. Couth: ..F..Five.. six?
He lowered the cigarette holder when he felt Couth stare at him while still counting. He seemed confused for a second before he realized she was flailing.
Max Kael?: Do you not.. It’s three. Three is the number I am keeping him down for.
U.N. Couth: THREE!
She roared triumphantly while she raised both arms into the air. With more energy than you might expect an old woman to have, Ulsa brings this segment to a close.
U.N. Couth: And you know what that makes you.. A SUCKER!
We cut away as Max gave U.N. Couth a congratulatory handshake.