BRO, WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE NEWS RUNS WILD ON YOU
If you weren’t ready then you haven’t been paying attention.
Why?
Because it’s time for the NEWS, baby!
Intense news music begins to play. You know the type, starts with maybe a little high key synth before the drums kick in. Beeps, boops and dun-dun-duns galore as the screen pitches PRIME blue.
WON ACTION NEWS TEAM
The words flash across the screen in bold white letters.
As the music continues we are introduced to our segment one news team.
Ulsa N. Couth, Weather
This week Ulsa is seated in a power chair with a cigar clenched between gray, rotten teeth. She is wearing an all white power suit to match her power chair while an unusually broad smile sits on her pruney little face.
Violent Purple, Sports
It’s just Violent Purple flipping off the camera while reading a People Magazine’s Hottest Man of 1998.
Crash Jackson, Man In The Field
A close up shot of Crash looking confused. The shot is obviously a camera phone being shakely held. Max Kael?’s hand manifests from behind the camera giving Crash a thumbs up. This is followed by a smash zoom out revealing Crash in a field. A fake walrus mustache and microphone accessories show he has news things to do.
Eddie Cross, Human Interests
The young Samoan is seen seated next to the hospital bed of his mentor, Dave Gibson. Eddie looks emotionally drained as he keeps his eyes on Dave and the various monitors keeping track of his vitals. This is not funny or cute.
Sub-Marquis Bentley Tennyson Farthington-Primrose, Herald
One of them bois you hear so much about sporting a Colombina style masquerade mask and full Renaissance regalia pops up on the screen. He hops up and down excitedly while waving a banner with Max Kael?’s face on it.
Max Kael?, Lead Anchor
This shot remains the same. Max starts kneeling down before he rises, throwing the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM gang signs with both hands. Fireworks explode behind him as he does so. An owl attempts to attack Max but is intercepted by a murder of crows while a sick guitar lick plays.
Brought to you by MEAT?, made with 112% official MEAT? product!
The music slowly fades as the shot as the MEAT? ad ends. Max Kael? Is behind a glossy news podium set up in the Bridgestone Arena parking lot. As per usual he is grinning broadly at the viewers.
Max Kael?: Good evening, PRIMEskis and PRIMEskovs, I’m Max Kael?, joined by the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM, here to bring you the NEWS! We’ve got a lot to run through so let’s get started!
A new story and a new angle as the reAlived question marked Kael shuffles through a few papers that appear to have hand drawn stick figures on them.
Max Kael?: Our first story tonight, Vending Machines? Who created them and what are they doing to our society as a whole? Last week we learned that the French are born and stored in Vending Machines, ready to unleashed a certain.. je ne sais pas, which as everybody knows means something. Not looking to allow additional Flamberges to be deployed against WANT’s close friend, Universal Champion and Russian Bearlogarch, Ivan Stanlislav, the Russians have demanded Lindsay Troy have all Vending Machines removed from all future events. To the Weather, U.N. Couth?
We switch to Camera Four which focuses on U.N.Couth standing in front of a weather map of the United States. A half chewed cigar pokes out from the corner of her mouth giving her the feeling of an old school Mob Granny.
U.N. Couth: Buy more MEAT?, indulge in more you fucking marks. Folks here in Nashville don’t have a lot of money, this stinkin’ American cesspool is filled with ugly suckers who would rather spend money on Jack Daniel’s but try to curb your shitty alcoholism and switch to a cheaper, more profit driven product. A quality, third world product like MEAT?. BUY IT SUCKERS!
Back to Max who is trying to balance three pens together. When he realizes Camera One is back on him, his small pen tower collapses.
Max Kael?: Hungry for the Holidays? At Max’s MEAT? we have the entire Thanksgiving covered! Roast turkey, roasted sweet potato, mash potato, pumpkin pie, whip cream and green bean casserole flavored MEAT?! It is sold in Sad and Lonely Can sized all the way up to the Nuclear Family Tub sized! Run Thanksgiving from the comfort of your microwave or boil our containers and serve straight from the can! Available in all our famous textures! And now, Violent Purple with Sports!
We don’t even both to cut over to her as a loud “FUCK OFF” is heard. Max nods and shuffles through his papers again.
Max Kael?: Professional as always, Violent Purple. Adoption. It’s not always your first option to get a kid but it can always be the last option in dealing with your unwanted burdens! The Kael Adoption Agency is standing by to make the World a quieter place.. But keeping those annoying, mulling family members into a quiet, noise proof container while they await redis-.. Adoption! For a nominal fee special Kael Adoption Agency Agents will hunt down and collect the designated Adoption Target. Using humane and time tested techniques the KAA makes sure what you don’t want will end up treasured. That’s the Kael Adoption Agency Kael Assurance or the KAAKA. And now to my Herald!
Instead of cutting to a new camera, the Herald simply runs in front of the news desk with a big, dumb grin on his face waving the banner sporting Max Kael?’s face and a question mark.
The Herald: Good evening and greetings, tis I! Sub-Marquis Bentley Tennyson Farthington-Primrose, the Herald of the Wondrous and Wizardly Max Kael?, Lord of Kaelsalvania, Prime Minister of Maxopotamia, the Question Mark King, the Master of MEAT? Products, First of his Name! Long May He Remained Unmaimed! YAAAAAY!
He waves the flag a little more before running off the stage.
Max Kael?: Thank you, the Herald, riveting as always. And now to our intrepid reporter in the field, Crash Jackson!
The scene switches to just outside the catering room. Crash sports the same fake mustache as before but now with a cheap sport coat as well. He presses his finger to his ear, like all great news people do for absolutely no reason, and turns back toward the sign that indeed says ‘CATERING.’
Crash: Ladies and gentlemen, Crash Jackson reporting live for the WON Action News Team from the Catering Hall deep inside the Bridgestone Arena.
Crash knocks on the door. Before he can turn away, it opens, and the female employee stares at him with mighty unhappy energy as he had stopped her from doing her job.
Crash: Hello, Crash Jackson, WON Action News.
The lady stares at him even angrier than before. She hates the damn news and all its propaganda distribution.
Crash: The people have to know… What is Nashville Hot Chicken?
The anger from her stare fades and is replaced with a look of pure confusion. The silence ends after a few awkward moments when she slams the door in Crash’s face. Crash turns back toward the camera with a determined look on his face.
Crash: Well, folks, just the first closed door of what is sure to be many as we search for the truth behind ‘What is Nashville Hot Chicken?’ Back to you, Max.
We return to the WANT desk with Max greedily feasting on a bucket of ARKHAM HOT MEAT?CHEN, now available in peppermint. Realizing he is back on camera Max spits the food product back into the bucket and throws it off stage.
Max Kael?: You lost the news, Crash! We hope you have it back next week and get to the bottom of this nefarious so-called Nashville Hot Chicken epidemic that is ruining middle America. Now to our final story.
He pauses for a moment, his face scrunching up for a moment before either very clever editing or literal magic happens. The Questionable Kael has become a solid piece of cardboard staring blankly forward. Violent Purple slowly saunters to the desk, discarding the cardboard Kael and plopping down behind the desk.
Violent Purple: Max Kael? isn’t here. He’s on special assignment tonight getting the last story for the night ready. This story is one I hand picked for him, one I think fits his particular skill set. You’re going to wanna stay tuned, especially Eddie Cross. Tonight’s final piece is about friendship and learning. It’s about understanding and it’s about recognition.
A sly smile slides like silk across her lips as she brushes all of Max Kael?’s blank pages off the desk.
Violent Purple: ..we’ll be back after this short break.
One dangerously flirtatious wink later and we’re off to Tsonda!