LARRY TACT IS A TAN BULL, NO SH*TTIN’
Nick Stuart: Well, that was certainly interesting.
Richard Parker: Interesting? If Jesus Christ walked on the Colorado River just to deliver you donuts, would you call it interesting?
Nick Stuart: Well, that could be a word to describe it, but I’m also not devout to the Church of Hoyt.
Richard Parker: REPENT! REPENT!
Nick Stuart: Anyway, Vince Howard’s in the ring, but I don’t think there’s a match up now.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to the return of a PRIME talk show staple. Introducing from Istanbul, the Ottoman Empire…
“The Turkish March” starts up on the PA system as images of a brown-skinned man whipping around the ring and flying through the air grace the PRIMEview.
Richard Parker: It can’t be!
Nick Stuart: It is!
Vince Howard: …Captain SULEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
Out from the back charges a more aged version of the Suleimon than the one who patrolled the skies in PRIME way back in the day. He has gained a few pounds and walks with a slight limp, but he’s still as vigorous as ever, waving the Turkish flag above him as he storms to the ring to a surprising pop from the fans.
Nick Stuart: A warm welcome for Captain Suleimon, and I’m not sure why, Richard.
Richard Parker: (searching for onion-head hats on Amazon) Maybe they see the light of the glory of the Ottoman Sultanate after all these years! Huzzah!
Suleimon enters the ring and basks in the shockingly warm reception. He plants the flag in the rear right corner to the hard cam, as the crowd chants “WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK!” at him. He grabs a microphone from Howard, appearing choked up a little bit.
Captain Suleimon: Good evening, loyal subjects of the PRIME Empire!
A roaring cheer rises up.
Captain Suleimon: I would be glad to hear such a reaction had it not come from SLOVENLY AMERICANS SUCH AS YOURSELF!
Nick Stuart: Now there’s the Suleimon I remember.
Richard Parker: Telling it like it is!
The cheers turn to boos as Suleimon smiles and cackles.
Captain Suleimon: You think I was HAPPY to see you? NO! PRIME is still as disgusting as it was when the Unfuckables ran me off the set of THIS VERY TALK SHOW all those years ago! And to think you have settled in this den of FILTHY DECADENCE! Pitiful! In the days of the yore, the pleasure domes would be filled with Turkish delights and lute music and the finest dancers from around the Empire! Instead now you have neon lights and garbage food in infinite supply and… (shudders) WAYNE NEWTON!
Nick Stuart: Why do people keep bringing him up?
More boos rain down.
Captain Suleimon: So why did I come back then? Because I had the opportunity to interview a real paragon of truth and moral fiber. That’s right, my guest tonight on ISTANBULLSHITTIN’ is a quest of TRUE righteousness, to rid this company of a DECREPIT OLD MAN clogging up avenues of opportunity for morally upright wrestlers. Please welcome to the show, the man who will take the Intense Championship in the main event AND who will rid this company of Dusk, LARRY TACT!
“Pieces of Man” by Drown hits on the PA, and Tact enters to a jeering reaction, jacking with the fans as he strolls to the ring. He enters the ring and shakes hands with Suleimon before heading over to Howard standing on the outside. He takes his microphone and heads to the center of the ring with his interviewer.
Captain Suleimon: Larry Tact! Great to have you here on the acclaimed talk show ISTANBULLSHITTIN’! Before we get to your big plans, what do you have in store for The Anglo Luchador, a man I know very well, tonight?
Larry Tact: Pain. I’m going to do to him what he did to me at ReVival 10 tenfold. He said so himself, Suleimon. He crossed a line that night, and I am not going to go soft on him because all of a sudden, he grew a conscience. You know what I call people who shoe a glimmer of tgeur trye nature, and then pull back and cover up at the first sign of criticism?
Captain Suleimon: What is that, Mr. Tact?
Larry Tact: Cowardly. A loser. Yes, he managed to survive the Fatal Fourway at Great American Nightmare to win the Intense Championship, but that was thanks to two key points. First, he used that truer nature I mentioned, which gave him the juice he needed to hang in. Second, he had a big assist from Tony Gamble. Now, The Anglo Luchador is beginning to see a shadow loom over him, one that’s far more likely to consume the jovial, frail man he prefers embracing.
Larry looks around the crowd and waves off their disagreement as if it’s a wad of paper being lobbed his way.
Larry Tact: If he steps into the ring with that form, it won’t save him against me. The ironic thing is, maybe that’s what he wants? Someone to liberate him from the Intense Championship. It’s little secret he has eyes to one day win the Universal Championship. As do I, but first I need to establish myself. To win the Universal Championship, though, The Anglo Luchador will need to learn a painful lesson, one I’m happy to show him. He needs to realize that ruthless side is the one he needs. Do you think Brandon Youngblood has a conscience? Phil Atken? Devin Shakur? Vangelus Olsig? Jason Snow? Sonny Silver? Hoyt Williams?
Nick Stuart: He’s just pandering now.
Richard Parker: I know. It rocks.
Larry Tact: It’s no surprise it took a psychotic break to get him to find his best self and become a champion here. As we know, it also triggered fear in him. Fear of where he would go should he proceed down that path. Fear of what he would do to others. Tonight, when I take the Intense Championship from him, it’ll be a lesson of what he should have kept doing, and who he should have kept being. I’ll carry on as the better of us, and until he figures out the value of what he had been, for a fleeting moment, that broken angel won’t sniff another title in this house of sinners.
Captain Suleimon: I like your fire, Mr. Tact, but a word from the wise. The Luchador may be a morally decrepit colonizer, but he is incredibly dangerous. I’ve seen it up close in school and in the locker rooms we shared. I am rooting for you, but you must tread lightly and carefully.
Larry Tact: Rooting for me? No, you’re no different than any of these hacks who pay to watch me excel in the ring, something you all couldn’t dream of. You know why, Captain Old and Busted? You’re afraid, just like The Anglo Luchador, just like each and every one of these people. You’re risk averse, gun-shy, and you always have been. In fact, you even fear the Luchador is going to send reprisal your way, which makes you even worse than him. You’re a failure of the highest order, and you’ve maintained that position your entire, sorry career.
Tact advances on Suleimon, backing him into a corner.
Nick Stuart: Can’t believe I’m about to say this, but someone come out here and help Suleimon!
Tact cocks his fist back, causing Suleimon to flinch. Tact simply lowers his fist and pats Suleimon’s chest.
Larry Tact: Two for flinching, but I’ll just owe it to you in the future. Now get out of MY RING, and take your disgrace of a country symbol with you.
Suleimon grabs the Turkish flag and dips.
Larry Tact: Now, allow me to address the endgame, the reason I’ll make the Intense Championship more prestigious immediately. It will be featured prominently in a retirement… no, a wrestling funeral. Dusk, you might be wondering why I took this match if there was even a shot that you could sneak out of Ultraviolence and retire like an entitled coward with a title you would have lucked into, at best.
Tact pauses to soak in more boos.
Larry Tact: Like I said earlier in the week, I want you to feel the last fleeting bit of hope die right in front of you before I end your worthless, parasitic career. You’ve made an art form of riding the coattails of those who set themselves up for greatness. In turn, you’ve made a mockery of people who didn’t deserve it. Poor Melvin Beauregard is going through enough and didn’t need you piling on him.
Larry needs to stop as the crowd uncorks their derision. Tact merely frowns in disgust at the interruption.
MELVIN SUCKS! MELVIN SUCKS! MELVIN SUCKS!
Richard Parker: Look, I’m a bit of a mouthpiece for the dirtbags around here, but even I know Melvin is bad news.
Larry Tact: Tonight, I have a golden opportunity, and I bet it eats you alive knowing that. Better still, when I do what you are incapable of and follow through on winning the Intense Championship, I’ll dangle that one last carrot and watch you salivate. It’s going to make ending your career in a pool of your own blood, with your last chance at restoring dignity exhaling in a defeated gasp, all the more satisfying. I’ll make sure you go down in failure at my feet.
Tact throws the microphone down while “Pieces of Man” hits the sound system. Tact exits the ring and heads up the ramp, the crowd jeering him all the way through the curtain.
Nick Stuart: Strong words from Larry Tact. Do you think he’ll be able to follow through?
Richard Parker: I hope so, because the sooner both that wacky Luchador and Dusk are grease stains on the history of this company, the better.
Nick Stuart: Richard Parker, always the classy gentlemen. Now I hear we have something brewing with The Glue Factory backstage. Let’s take it back to them.