BUSTER GLOVES vs. MORTIMER KJEDELIG
The camera cuts from backstage to the sea of fans inside the MGM Grand Garden Arena, all yelling and cheering as a pyro explosion erupts from the stage. The cameras pan around to catch the signs from the PRIMEates.
MELVIN’S GONNA DIE
DO I THROW MY PANTIES AT GREAT BEAR OR DO I THROW SALMON?
REZIN IS MY LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THE MCDONALD’S EXTENDED UNIVERSE
MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME IT’S M-O-R-T-I-M-E-R
MY BOLOGNA HAS A SECOND NAME IT’S K-J-E-D-E-L-I-G
DID YOU KNOW CHET FLEETWOOD CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS
SIGN THE KNIFE BANDITS
OPEN THE RESTRICTED PORTCULLIS
PHIL ATKEN IS MY FAVORITE WATCHMAN
EGG BANDITS FEAR MENOPAUSE
KING BLUEBERRY MUFFINS – SIX FOR $4.99 OR BEST OFFER
KING BLUEBERRY STUD MUFFINS – SEX FOR $4.99 OR BEST OFFER
AIRHORN: LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH
BRING BACK MURIEL
THANKS TO FOOD-O-MATIC 3000 I NEVER HAVE TO STARVE
FLAMBO’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON
I’M HERE FOR HOT V AND A PIECE OF ACE
AT LEAST WE AREN’T ON HULU
LET CALLY SAY “DANG”
SIGN THE LUCKY SEVENS
KING BLUEBERRY IS AN OVERRATED MEME DOG
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE SHADOWY FIGURES
JONATHAN RHINE IS LIKE A SEXY DUMBO
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT ONLY TOOK 14 YEARS FOR SOMEONE TO CALL HIM KING DINGLEBERRY
DO IT FOR YAHWEH GOD
Richard Parker: He introduced himself in a compelling segment on our last show, but fighting in the ring is a little different than saying a few words to the camera.
Nick Stuart: Indeed it is, Richard, and he’ll be in the ring against Mortimer Kjedelig, a man who has a lot of talent and is still seeking his first victory in PRIME. Now let’s go to Vince Howard for introductions.
The lights go out. An electric guitar strums a chord before a single word appears on the Jumbotron. “BUSTER”. Then another guitar riffs and the word ”GLOVES”. The lights return to the arena and Buster Gloves emerges from the tunnel. Guile’s theme song from Street Fighter II is being shredded on the guitar and Buster Gloves burst emerges from the tunnel, shadow boxing.
Vince Howard: Our introductory contest is for one fall! Making his way to the ring first, making his PRIME debut, he weighs in at 152 pounds…from Vero Beach, Florida…BUSTER! GLOOOOVES!
Wearing a black hoodie reading the words ‘WRESTLING IS FOREVER’ on the back, Buster Gloves has a black and blue training mask attached to his face. You can’t see many of his facial features, but it’s undoubtedly him. He wears those black leather gloves that he loves so much, with the letters W.I.F.E. on the left hand.
Buster descends the ramp high fiving kids and posing for pictures with sign-holding fans. He works the crowd and they respond.
Buster climbs the ring apron, wipes his feet, and enters the ring through the second rope. He removes his shirt and ascends the second turnbuckle to play to the crowd one last time.
The music fades as Buster removes his training mask and shakes hands with Jimmy Turnbull.
Richard Parker: Looks like the rookie is trying to suck up to the ref for an advantage.
Nick Stuart: It’s also possible that he’s a good person being nice.
Richard Parker: I prefer my reality.
The opening riffs of “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. Mortimer Kjedelig begins making his way down the ramp, pointing to the fans in attendance. As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope, step up to the middle turnbuckle and raise his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. He hops off the turnbuckle and readies himself for the match as the music fades.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, weighing in at 248 pounds…from Horace, North Dakota…MORTIMER KJEDELIG!
Nick Stuart: Kjedelig is all business tonight.
Richard Parker: Yeah, no sucking up to Turnbull for this guy.
In fact, Turnbull and Kjedelig have some words as Kjedelig points at Buster and claps his hands angrily.
Richard Parker: He’s reminding Turnbull to have a steady count and not cheat for the rookie.
Nick Stuart: I don’t understand why that would be a concern. Turnbull has a well reported record of being fair and impartial.
Turnbull calls for the bell and we are underway.
DING DING
The men circle, Gloves reaching in tentatively as Kjedelig beckons for Gloves to get closer.
Richard Parker: I feel like the challenge for Buster Gloves tonight is the amount of size he gives up to Mort. He’s only an inch shorter, but he’s almost one hundred pounds lighter.
Nick Stuart: This is true, Richard, but Gloves also has a vaunted mixed martial arts background, specifically designed to negate any sort of size difference. It’ll be an interesting match-up.
The circling soon stops as Gloves finally gains purchase on Kjedelig’s leg, diving in and attempting a takedown. Mortimer stumbles for a second, then catches his footing and sends a double axe handle into Gloves’ back. As the smaller man struggles to get to his feet, Kjedelig sends a kick to the side of Gloves’ head. He reaches down and lifts him up, then sends him into the ropes and catches him with a powerslam.
Nick Stuart: Early offense and strength from Kjedelig, and a cover!
ONE!
T…
Gloves kicks out quickly. Kjedelig nods as he gets to his feet, grabbing Gloves with him. He grips the pants of Buster Gloves and takes him over in a quick snap suplex.
Nick Stuart: Mortimer Kjedelig has a mastery of the quintessential professional wrestling style, Richard. Suplexes, headlocks, strikes – he’s great at all of them.
Richard Parker: As you can clearly see from all of his wins in PR-NO WAIT.
Nick Stuart: He has the early advantage of Buster Gloves here, though, making his PRIME debut, the young man out of Florida is struggling against the size of Kjedelig.
Mortimer drops to his side and immediately locks in a headlock against Gloves, who swipes at his attacker but can’t get him off of him. Mortimer wrenches on the neck, looking at Jimmy Turnbull and muttering “ask him, ask him.”
But before Turnbull can ask anything, Buster rolls over, pinning Mortimer’s shoulders to the mat.
ONE!
TWO!
Kjedelig releases, knowing that if he didn’t, he’d lose the match. Buster rolls over and hits Kjedelig with a quick elbow, then mounts his opponent and continues to attack him with strikes.
Nick Stuart: And this is where Gloves shines. His mixed marital arts and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu background gives him a grappling advantage, even with the size disadvantage. If this were an MMA contest, Jimmy Turnbull might call for the bell now!
Richard Parker: Fortunately for everyone watching, it is not.
Eventually Kjedelig kicks Gloves off of him and scurries to his feet. Gloves advances, but before he can press his advantage Kjedelig holds the ropes and shakes his head, causing Turnbull to hold Gloves at bay.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: Smart move there!
As soon as Kjedelig sees Turnbull’s back turned, he lets go of the ropes, pushes past the referee and levels Buster Gloves with a huge clothesline. Turnbull starts to lecture Kjedelig, who holds his hands up innocently.
Nick Stuart: Kjedelig is going to do whatever it takes to get his first victory here, including bending the rules to get a leg up on this newcomer.
Richard Parker: It wasn’t even bending the rules! You’re not allowed to attack someone during a rope break. The rope break was over!
Nick Stuart: Technically you are correct.
Richard Parker: That sounds like angels coming from your lips, buddy.
After a few more moments of enduring Turnbull’s ire, Kjedelig loses patience and pushes him aside, grabbing Buster Gloves and lifting him to his feet. He lifts him up with a quick combination of atomic drop and clothesline, leveling the smaller man. He gestures Turnbull over and goes for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
Nick Stuart: And another kickout by Gloves, but Kjedelig is already on him!
Indeed, the bigger man kneels down and lifts Gloves up, then applies a front facelock to Buster, then begins to club him in the back with his forearm. After four of these, Gloves drops to his knees again, and Kjedelig knees him in the face, causing him to drop to the ground. Buster Gloves rolls over and checks his nose.
Nick Stuart: Looks like Buster Gloves is busted open!
There is a pregnant pause in the commentary.
Richard Parker: Why are you looking at me? You expect me to make some dumb Buster-busted joke?
Nick Stuart: Well, I…
Kjedelig is on top of Gloves, giving him no time to breathe before slapping in another sleeper.
Richard Parker: What, just set up really bad wordplay lines and wait for silly old Richard to come in and perform parlor tricks?
Nick Stuart: Richard, it was just…
Richard Parker: I’m a human! A fully realized human with opinions and dreams, not just some automatic alley-oop machine for your sophomoric setups!
Nick Stuart: I…
Richard Parker: Look, Kjedellybelly has Buster Gloves in a sleeper hold! He might tap! Why not focus on the action, Nick?
Indeed, Buster looks like he’s fading as he tries to escape the sleeper hold, but Mortimer has it locked in tight. The fans begin to clap to give motivation to the young rookie.
Nick Stuart: I’m sorry, Richard, I just thought we were having fun.
Richard Parker: Well now you know. And one more thing, Nick?
Nick Stuart: Yes?
Richard Parker: MORE LIKE BUSTERED OPEN AM I RIGHT?!
Nick Stuart: Sigh.
Buster Gloves can hear the cheers. He feels the adrenaline. He knows that his first match can’t end like this. And so he clenches his fists, and he begins to summon the energy to stand. He gets to one knee, and then the other. Then he is able to stand and shift his body as Kjedelig tries to hold on…
WHAMMM!!!
Nick Stuart: Saito suplex! Buster gets back on his feet, pressing the advantage…he flips Kjedelig on his back with a judo throw! Tries to cinch in the armbar…Kjedelig escapes!
The bigger man slides back and pops to his feet, then runs against the ropes to charge at Buster. But when he goes, Buster grabs him and hits a big sidewalk slam.
Nick Stuart: Cover for Buster!
ONE!
TWO!
T…
Kjedelig kicks out. Buster doesn’t give him any time to recover as he locks in an abdominal stretch. Mortimer groans in pain as Buster continues to stretch. Eventually Kjedelig reaches for the ropes, but Buster anticipates it and adjusts his arms, lifting him up and hitting a pump handle slam. Without hesitation Gloves climbs the turnbuckle.
Richard Parker: Big risk here for the rookie!
Nick Stuart: He’s going for the elbow drop!
WHAMMM!!
Nick Stuart: He connects! Another pinfall!
ONE!
TWO!
THR…
Nick Stuart: Mortimer kicked out just in time!
Richard Parker: Kjedidah-was-a-bullfrog better find something in the tank here, because the rookie has taken away all of the momentum!
Buster Gloves, for his part, looks a little surprised the elbow drop didn’t end it. He doesn’t complain, but he does shake his head as he guides the bigger man to his feet. He puts Kjedelig in the corner and hits him with a vicious chop across the chest.
Nick Stuart: That looks like it stung!
Richard Parker: I like this tactic by the rookie. Usually you see chops in the earlier part of a match, and it helps to weaken your opponent. But when he’s already tired and has sustained a bit of offense, those chops are even more devastating.
Buster delivers another, and another. Then he leans his body against Kjedelig’s, preparing to toss him to the other turnbuckle. Before he can, though, Mortimer reaches up and pokes him in the eyes.
Nick Stuart: Dirty play by Kjedelig!
Richard Parker: Like I said earlier, he had to find something and he did.
The fans boo as Buster leaves the turnbuckle, wiping at his face and blinking. Kjedelig grabs him from behind and starts rubbing his hand all over Buster’s face.
Nick Stuart: What is he doing?
Richard Parker: Oh, this is genius! Buster was still bloodied from the knee to the face earlier, and Kjedhead just rubbed the blood in his eyes!
Buster continues to rub at his face, unable to see, and Kjedelig grabs his arm and wraps it around his neck before taking him down.
Nick Stuart: Bust Out! Kjedelig with the arm wrap neckbreaker on Buster Gloves, and this may be all!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE…
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Nick Stuart: Buster kicks out! He won’t go down easy!
Richard Parker: I have to say I’m impressed by the heart he’s shown in his first match.
Mortimer gives the universal “it’s over” motion and lifts Buster up. He hooks both arms, going for the DDT. However, Buster twists his arms and stands up, sending Mortimer over the top of him. Mortimer gets to his feet, and on instinct Buster reaches forward…
Nick Stuart: The Heartbreaker! Buster rocked Kjedelig with that heart punch! And now he’s locking him up…he’s looking for the move he calls The Soul Crusher, that Standing D’Arce Choke! If he gets this locked in, it’s all over!
With his free hand, Mortimer flails. For a second, it looks like Buster is going to lock this in and get his first win, to send Mortimer further down the path of second place finishes. But before he can fully lock him in, Mortimer escapes and sends a knee to the groin of Buster!
Nick Stuart: Low blow!
Richard Parker: More in the tank!
Nick Stuart: And now Kjedelig rolls Buster up in a school boy!
ONE!
TWO!
Nick Stuart: Jimmy, check the tights! He’s got a grip!
THREE!
DING DING DING
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vince Howard: The winner of this match…MORTIMER…KJEDELIG!
The winner doesn’t let Jimmy Turnbull raise his hand. Instead, he nods and exits the ring, making his way back up the ramp Buster Gloves tries to recover.
Nick Stuart: Well Mortimer finally got his win, but you have to be impressed with Buster Gloves. He showed a lot of heart and talent in his first match. I think he’s got a great future in PRIME.
Richard Parker: I agree, but I also think you have to like Morty’s future too. He was getting title shots before ever winning a match. What’s going to happen for him now that he’s won one?
Nick Stuart: All right, let’s catch up with Simon Tillier, who is standing by with FLAMBERGE.