BUT SERIOUSLY, WHERE’S CORAL?
The show feeds switches to the eGG den. There, King COOL, the MAIN EVENT, is seen preparing to do something he’s never done before.
Out cheat Nate Colton.
Jiles is dressed for battle. His salt white boots are fastened tight. His hair is an immaculate slick of oil. His T-shades shine. His wrestling tights still have a picture of himself on them.
Bobby, who is also there, still has his mouth full with who knows what. Also of note, the elastic waist on his electric-blue tracksuit is screaming “cut me Mick.”
The two Bandits in crime are sitting around, going over all sorts of contingency plans should things turn dire later on in tonight’s Main Event matchup.
Well, you’d think that’s what they were talking about.
Bobby Dean: It’s a shame your hair is white and not golden blonde like it used to be. Ya know, because of the ticket, and not because it makes you look old.
Cancer Jiles: Good one, Downer. I guess if I lose tonight we won’t have to worry about it anymore. Say, HOW is the DIEt going?
Suddenly, a knock is heard at the door.
More like a hoot.
Cancer Jiles: probably that pregnant hoe again. CORAL AIN’T HERE! He’s… chilling out somewhere else.
Intense snickering ensues.
Bobby Dean: Yeah, his brain is still thawing out from Cancer’s Cryostasis. Come back later, or maybe never! Ha! Got her.
Intense awkwardness silences.
The knock is heard once again. This time it is louder and with more authority. Bobby springs to, propelled upwards by a silent fart that thankfully is not deadly. He opens the door and standing there is no pregnant hoe.
Lindsay Troy: Robert.
It’s someone much worse.
Lindsay Troy: Move.
Bobby moves about as fast as a snail caught on a sticky trap, so the Queen helps him along by shoving him out of her way. She storms over to King Crumb, who already looks overjoyed to see her.
Because, really, who wouldn’t? She’s a delight.
Lindsay Troy: Save whatever bullshit you’re about to say, Pizmo, because the only thing I want to hear come out of your Skoal soaked mouth is where you’ve taken Coral.
Jiles looks around, confused about the situation.
Cancer Jiles: Coral? Never heard of him.
More snickering ensues. It doesn’t last very long.
Lindsay Troy: Cut the shit. Where is he?
Cancer Jiles: Jeez, Mom, I’ve never seen you act like this before; worrying about the well being of an eGG Bandit. That almost sounds like something our beloved Que—
Lady Troy raises her hand as if to call for silence. She gets her wish mainly because Bobby is too afraid to talk, and that raised hand of her’s is covering Jiles’ mouth.
Lindsay Troy: Last time. Either answer my question, or I’ll make the main event a gauntlet match involving all the Coltons. Got it? Nod first and then I’ll remove my hand.
Cancer Jiles: Okay, Mom. You win. Coral, come on out.
Jiles and Bobby look at some door, as if Coral is hiding in the room behind it. The problem is the door in question is to a random locker, and not a room.
Lindsay Troy: You’re more of a child than my own children. Fine, gauntlet match it is.
Cancer Jiles: Wait! Hold all calls! Coral is fine, and I promise on the souls of my brethren that the new and improved version of the Crownless King will be at ReVival 37.
The crooked smile on Jiles’ face should come with a free car freshener.
Lindsay Troy: That’s two weeks away, dipshit. Not good enough. His wife is pregnant, and if you don’t want me to conveniently look the other way when Annie comes at you with a mace, I’ll need a better assurance than just your word.
Cancer Jiles: I can write it down on a piece of paper and sign it if you want?
Jiles’ stupid smile continues on. Bobby braces for impact. Lady Troy balls up her fist as tight as she can, and holds it less than an inch away from Jiles’ clean shaven face.
Lindsay Troy: If Coral isn’t there, you better not be either. Same goes for Bobby, and anyone else who had a hand in carrying out your…whimsy. I don’t care what happens later on tonight in your match, either. Don’t come back unless you have Coral with you, understood.
It wasn’t a question, as evidenced by the Queen of the Ring, and hopefully of the Bandits one day, slamming the door shut behind her. A few seconds pass so that the conversation can safely resume.
Cancer Jiles: I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she sees Cardboard Coral for the first time.
Bobby Dean: He’s going to be ten times bigger than CBD ever was.
Cancer Jiles: With a forehead like that, you ain’t kidding. Now hand me that baby oil. I have to finish getting ready.
Cut to the ring.