CANCER JILES vs. DON WINTERS
LIVE! From the Greensboro Coliseum! It’s REVIVAL! 38!
We zoom around the arena, because it’s time for… SIGNS!
WRESTLING HAS FINALLY RETURNED TO GREENSBORO
NOW IS THE WINTERS OF OUR DONSCONTENT
CRAIG WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THIS SIGN ON THE SHOW
SECRET CANCER OR CANCER JILES: WHO YA GOT
KAEL ADOPTION SERVICES: YOU MAKE’EM, WE PICK’EM
FOR SALE: SLIGHTLY USED FARTHINGTON JIZZ POD
I BET IVAN STANISLAV COULD EAT ONE FARTHINGTON JIZZ POD
FARTHINGTON JIZZ PODS, THE SAVORY GUSHER
I ONLY CHEER FOR THE WRESTLERS THAT HAVE OVERLY ELABORATE TATTOOS
WE ARE CLOSER TO 2050 THAN 1980
REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 3TH OF NOVEMBER
ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK, CALL IT MEANSBORO
WE LOVE PAWS! BEANSBORO FTW!
I’M STILL WAITING FOR THAT FISH FUND PPV FROM 15 YEARS AGO, CHAD
I REMEMBER WHEN TERI MELTON WAS MISS HOOTERS AND LOVED THAT GIMMICK, DO NOT LET GETHARD GASLIGHT YOU
Nick Stuart: Welcome to the first match of the night, an Almasy Tournament second round contest and we are going to kick it off huge!
Richard Parker: I saw what match is listed as the opener. We are definitely not going to “kick it off huge”… not with him coming out.
Nick Stuart: Sour note to start off the entire night, huh?
Richard Parker: Let’s get this over with.
The scene switches to ringside where Vince Howard stands in the middle of the ring.
Vince Howard: This is an Almasy Tournament match! Introducing first, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing two-hundred-fifty-four pounds… DON WINTERS!
The first upbeat notes of “Movin’ On Up” sound through the darkened arena and as the words “my light shines on” are sung, a spotlight points to the entrance where ‘The Revelator’ Don Winters stands. He stomps his right foot, claps his hands, and throws his head back, arms out in a crucifix position as boos begin in earnest. He composes himself and struts to the ring with the beat of the music, ignoring the jeers from shouting fans. He climbs the ring steps, vaults over the top rope and slumps to his knees in the center of the ring before throwing his arms out in the crucifix one more time.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is going to have his hands full with Winters, who has the size advantage for sure.
Richard Parker: Light at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise, I don’t think the fans are going to enjoy this one at all.
Nick Stuart: Since when do you care about the fan experience?
Richard Parker: Don, you’re my only hope.
With Winters warming up inside the ring, Vince Howard walks to the center of the ring once again.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Coolympus by way of Philadelphia, weighing two-hundred-eighteen pounds… he is THE COOL… Cancer Jiles!
A cool breeze moves through the air, the bright lights slowly draw to a dim, a sold out audience rises to their feet and a rotating cartoonish GOLDEN TICKET appears up on the Crumbotron.
Nick Stuart: Is tonight the night?
Richard Parker: We get to meet Him?
Then, an all too familiar guitar riff screams its way into eggsistance, and an egg shaped spotlight illuminates the entrance ramp.
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
Nick Stuart: That’s a lot of pyros for our FIRST match.
Richard Parker: Typical shitbag peacocking.
I AM THE COOL!
The Maestro of COOL emerges from the back. Flanking him are loyal Bandit enthusiasts Bobby Dean and Coral Avalon.
Nick Stuart: Looks like you’re right, Richard, and the former Universal Champion is trying to intimidate Don before the match even starts.
Richard Parker: I’m not surprised, since I’m very rarely wrong.
The Crown Prince of COOLYMPIA poses for the enjoyment of his raucous detractors, insults a young MESSIAH fan sitting along the entrance ramp, then glares at Richard Parker before finally sliding underneath the bottom rope.
Nick Stuart: Do you owe him money or something?
Richard Parker: No, he’s just being a jerk off if I had to guess.
After a brief conversation, Coral daps up his cohorts and heads back up the ramp to return presumably to the eGG Den. Hard Boiled does have a Round 2 matchup of his own later on tonight, and it’d be a shame if something accidental were to happen to him beforehead.
I mean beforehand.
Before the bell can ring, Jiles starts to berate the everliving shit out of Timo Bolamba; all while pointing back at Bobby Dean. It’s obvious the Eggsecutioner is still not over how things went down at ReVival 37 in regard to the Youngblood versus Dean match. Eventually, though, he turns his attention to Don Winters, and Timo is able to officially call for the bell.
Richard Parker: Knock the piss out of this prick fast, Don!
And Don almost does. It’s like he hears the color commentator because Winters marches right up to Jiles, while The COOL is STILL mouthing off at Timo…
And pops him square in the nose!
Blood immediately GUSHES from Jiles’ nose as he wanders around the ring, waving both hands and trying to shout more obscene remarks to Bolamba, saying he wasn’t ready, Winters is a crumb, he should be disqualified and whatever other annoying shit most people tune Cancer out for.
Richard Parker: Starting off HOT, I like it! This might warrant the opener after all!
Winters hurls Jiles into the ropes and since both of Cancer’s hands are still on his face, it’s very easy for Winters to hit a running back elbow smash. It knocks Jiles’ hands further into his nose and allows for more blood to rush out.
Winters with an exploder suplex. Winters floats over and begins drilling Jiles with forearm smashes!
Nick Stuart: Winters came to play! In only his second match here, the vet is certainly making a name for himself rather quickly!
Winters lifts Jiles and tosses him into the ropes but what isn’t caught by Bolamba is the dick punch Jiles connected with right before he was pushed into the ropes. This is likely because, from the side of Timo’s eyes he sees Bobby make a play for the apron and then shoos the Bandit away.
Jiles hits the ropes and leaps over top of Winters and lands behind him. He takes his hands from his face for a brief second, connects with a side Russian leg sweep and then places both hands directly on his nose again.
Cancer kips to his feet and the crowd boos. He looks into the bleachers and scowls.
Cancer Jiles: Ivan is a crumb!
Richard Parker: Sooooo original.
The Maestro of the Main Event (despite being on the opener) bounces into the ropes again and this time he connects with a missile dropkick to the side of Winters’ temple, while both hands remain on his face.
Finally, The COOL takes a moment on his knees. He double checks his nose and sees he has stopped bleeding. So he takes both his hands and places them around Don’s skull.
Jiles looks for a headbutt but Winters blocks it. Both men are on their feet and Winters begins chopping Jiles into the corner. Some of the crowd cheers, mainly the ones who hate Jiles so much but others boo, as well.
Nick Stuart: Winters is new here and after defeating Crash Jackson, someone whom the crowd has taken a liking to, I don’t think he’s THAT well received.
Richard Parker: Of course not.
Winters hooks Jiles’ arms underneath his own body and then performs a double underhook DDT! Winters slides across the mat, lifts Jiles up and looks for a suplex when the former Universal Champion wiggles out of the move, pokes Winters in the eyes and then dropkicks the right knee out from under him. For added impact and in one completely swift motion, as Winters falls to one leg, Cancer hooks Don’s head under his own arm and also lands a DDT!
The COOL gets to his feet and checks on his nose. He walks to the edge of the ring and asks Bobby if he’s bleeding. Dean shakes his head no but then shouts “LOOK OUT” as Don Winters comes charging in.
Inside out clothesline!
Jiles flips in the air before he meets the mat face-first.
Nick Stuart: Oh dear, wouldn’t want to get your nose busted AGAIN.
Richard Parker: I’d be okay with it.
Nick Stuart: I was being sarcastic.
Jiles tries to stand but he’s overwhelmed by forearm shots coming in at a rapid pace. Winters hurls Jiles into a corner and then charges in himself… expect this time Cancer gets a knee up. Jiles props himself on the second rope, leaps off-
Right into a spine buster slam and a pinfall attempt!
Richard Parker almost has a stroke because the kickout was surprisingly very late. Winters nods to himself. He rises and asks Timo to backup a little bit. He latches onto Jiles’ body and hooks him into a double underhook. Before Don goes for an impact move, he delivers numerous knees to the face of Cancer.
Nick Stuart: Great call. Jiles is completely unprotected here. He can’t cover up and absorb the blows.
Richard Parker: I wish Jiles’ father didn’t go unprotected.
Nick Stuart: Can we just call the match, okay?
Finally, Winters looks for a double underhook suplex and lands it. Cancer skims across the mat and ends up landing near a corner of the ring. Winters rushes in, lifts the former champion and places him on the second rope. Then he goes onto the second rope WITH Jiles.
Followed by the top rope!
Winters stands on the top buckle with Cancer in his arms…
Scoop slam moonsault!
Nick Stuart: THIS COULD DO IT! We have a cover!
Richard Parker: Will this man ever die!?
Winters looks up at Bolamba and the referee ensures it was two. The Revelator nods albeit also grunting as he pulls Jiles up along with him.
The COOL lands a desperation backdrop!
With Jiles laid out on the mat and Don Winters recovering as well… it could be anyone’s game.
Winters is up first, however. And as he leans down to peel Jiles off the mat…
Bobby Dean jumps onto the apron!
Richard Parker: I’ve seen this song and dance before!
Bolamba rushes over and DEMANDS Bobby get down or he’s going to be kicked out. Meanwhile, as he is pulled to both knees, there’s a clever, coy, shit eating smile crossing Cancer Jiles’ face.
At the very last second, Don Winters closes his knees together and traps Jiles’ arm underneath his legs, right before he connects with an obvious low blow.
Meanwhile Bobby Dean is scared as fuck on the apron and Timo turns back around. Winters hammers Jiles in the side of the head a couple of times and then tosses the leader of the Egg Bandits halfway across the ring with a wicked looking exploder suplex!
Bobby Dean sweats buckets.
Jiles’ nose starts bleeding.
Timo readies for a call.
Winters hurls Jiles into the air and then lands a definitive blow to the side of his head. Jiles goes limp dick in the center of the ring… and Don Winters takes a moment to fall down onto his own knees and hooks a leg.
REVERSAL BY JILES!
HE HAS THE TIGHTS!
The crowd bought the finish for a brief moment, as Don rolls upright and has a shocked look on his face. Meanwhile, even though there’s some trickles of blood still dripping down Cancer’s nose, he has a smug suggestion, as if he was playing possum and the forearm shot DIDN’T knock him the hell out like he originally tried to convey.
Nick Stuart: You have to hand it to Cancer, there’s a reason he’s a former Universal Champion.
Richard Parker: I don’t have to hand Jiles anything.
Winters knows he is still in the driver’s seat, however. He also kicked out while Jiles took a handful of his own tights. Don knocks Jiles in the side of the head and whips The COOL into the ropes.
Jiles with a flying poke to the eyes!
Bolamba didn’t see it because Cancer put his other hand in front. Jiles smirks and mutters something about Ivan. He snatches Winters’ arm and rips it down, sending Winters on all fours.
Jiles tries for Terminal Cancer but Winters moves! Don shoots upright but runs into another eye poke. The COOL rolls Don up but places both feet on the second rope!
Timo stops counting once he sees what’s going on. He kicks Cancer’s feet off the ropes and the two start shouting for what seems like the tenth time.
Winters drives a spinning elbow into Jiles. The Detroit native then tosses his opponent into the ropes.
While Cancer ducks the first clothesline and hits the next set of ropes, he leaps off them and is caught by Winters.
But Bobby Dean hops onto the apron.
Winters drops Jiles, races over and shoulder blocks Bobby off the apron and into the guardrail!
Nick Stuart: Oh no!
With the referee not turned around in time, Winters walks right into a low blow.
Nick Stuart: Jiles got it this time!
Cancer loads up for Terminal Cancer-
Winters hits the ropes!
Winters with a spinning heel kick!
The newcomer gets to his feet quickly. He bounces off the ropes and looks for a running knee strike-
Nick Stuart: DAMMIT!
Jiles pulls referee Timo Bolamba in front of him as Don Winters is forced to put on the brakes!
Jiles shouts at Bolamba. Finally, The COOL discards the referee to the side and while the ref tries to regain his whereabouts…
Jiles sprays the mist all over Winters’ face.
Don can’t see a thing. He also can’t see the superkick coming.
Jiles falls on top of Winters’ face, ensuring Timo can’t witness any of the mist whatsoever… and once Bolamba sees what’s going on, he slides into position.
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: (Heavy sigh)
Vince Howard: The winner of this match… CANCER JILES!
Nick Stuart: A serious, solid effort by Don Winters but you can’t keep up with the cheating.
Richard Parker: I’d say Winters escaped about five different shortcuts by Cancer. What a POS, see you in round three.
Winters rolls to the side of the ring while Timo receives another ear full from Cancer. This time, however, it’s strategic because Jiles doesn’t want Timo to see the mist remaining on Don Winters’ face. Bobby Dean even thinks about running over and scrubbing it off Don with a paper towel (Bobby has since recovered on the outside) but even the big guy knows better.
Revival goes elsewhere.