CANCER JILES vs. DUSK
We come back to the arena to the lovely voice of Vince Howard.
Vince Howard: This match is scheduled for one fall, and coming to the ring first, standing at six-feet four inches and weighing in at two-hundred twenty five pounds… he is… DUUUUUUUUUUUSK!
“Death Grip” by Watt White plays and Dusk walks out. We’d write more here but Craig is too lazy to save an entrance to Dusk’s bio. Dusk stands in the corner and gets ready for his opponent to come to the ring.
The lights slowly draw to a dim.
A COOL, unnerving chill moves through the air.
The PRIMEates occupying the MGM Grand Garden go upright, eager to uproariously pound on their chests.
Then, Screamin’ Jay takes it away.
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
Usually there’s a series of pyros here but since this contest is ANOTHER slap in the face dark match, Jiles gets a sparkler and a couple of bang snaps instead.
I am the cool
Out from the back steps Cancer Jiles, only one of his name.
Richard Parker: Not this bit again.
Nick Stuart: My guess is if it’s not the MAIN EVENT he’s going to do this every time.
The COOLympian lumbers his way down the aisle like he’s Frankenstein’s creation. He breaks character to argue with a MESSIAH sleeper incel sitting ringside, and then quickly picks back up with the lost bit.
Richard Parker: I absolutely despise him.
Before sliding under the bottom rope, Jiles stumbles towards the ringside camera and says, “HEY TIMO, WANT TO RIDE ON MY JET?”
Nick Stuart: I said it before and I’ll say it again, one of these days he’ll get what’s coming to him.
Jiles ditches his shades, and awaits the bell from the comforts of his corner. Dusk takes the moment seriously, walking towards Jiles crouched with his arm extended. Jiles simply smirks at the elder statesmen of PRIME, barely acknowledging him.
Richard Parker: Knock the smirk off of his face Dusk!
Nick Stuart: Only two men have been able to do that so far Richard.
Dusk finally gets close to Jiles and reaches out to grab ahold of him, Jiles side steps but Dusk fires a right hand at the same time catching Jiles across the chin. Cancer continues to side step but Dusk is firing on all cylinders and manages to grab Jiles around the waist. Jiles slips an elbow backwards and catches Dusk in his mouth, Dusk holds on though and tries to lift Jiles up for a German suplex.
Richard Parker: Ha! The old man is going to kill him!
Jiles kicks his feet and manages to slide out of Dusk’s grip. Dusk forearms Jiles in the back twice and manages to regrip the slightly smaller man. Jiles slips another elbow in, but Dusk pushes Jiles forward to the center of the ring. Jiles tries to fire another elbow, but Dusk rotates out of the way and finally plants Jiles to the mat with a quick forward judo trip.
Nick Stuart: Dusk is plenty game tonight in the face of Cancer Jiles!
Richard Parker: You might be right, the old man might be able to handle this!
Jiles rolls to his feet and tries to snap off a Terminal Cancer, but Dusk steps under the kick attempt and tosses Jiles over his head with a huge exploder style suplex. Dusk spins around looking for Jiles, but the salty one is already gone, on the outside nursing his back. Elvis Nixon walks to the edge of the apron and begins counting.
Jiles keeping an eye on Dusk begins to walk to the steps. He starts to walk up them but notices the camera focused on him.
He looks down and smirks at the camera.
Dusk marches over to the corner but Nixon has to stop his count and march Dusk back across the ring. Jiles makes his way up to the apron, even taking a moment to show the camera lens the bottom of his salt shoes. Nixon finally turns around.
Richard Parker: What a slimeball.
Nick Stuart: The formula works for Jiles, you can’t hate a man for doing what works.
Richard Parker: I can, and I will.
Cancer steps back through the ropes and smirks at Dusk from across the ring. Dusk once again takes his time coming across the ring. Once Dusk has made it part way across, Jiles catches him by surprise by coming after him. A kick to the midsection, and a rake of perfectly manicured fingernails across the back later and Dusk is left walking around the ring holding his back.
Nick Stuart: Despicable.
Jiles pulls back and unloads with a knife edge chop right into Dusk’s chest. Dusk stumbles backwards but Jiles unloads a second, and a then a third. Jiles chops Dusk all the way back to the corner. Dusk is reeling and Jiles pulls back for another, but instead of slapping Dusk across the chest, he unloads with a backhand across Dusk’s mouth.
Richard Parker: I think that finally woke Ol’ Red Eyes up.
Dusk fires back with a forearm to Jiles face that sends him stumbling. Dusk comes roaring out of the corner with a knee lift to Jiles’ face that doesn’t take the ascendant of coolympus down, but does keep him reeling. Dusk keeps coming, hammering Jiles across the face with forearm after forearm.
Nick Stuart: You were right Richard! Here comes Dusk!
Just as the words leave Nick Stuart’s mouth, Cancer Jiles manages to slip a thumb into Dusk’s eye. Dusk stumbles backwards blinking rapidly with his hand covering his eye, and Jiles dives at Dusk’s knee bringing Dusk down to the ground.
Richard Parker: Here we go with this.
Nick Stuart: There’s nothing illegal about it Richard, it just is what it is.
Richard Parker: Oh yeah Nick, that’s not what you say when Hoyt does it.
Nick Stuart: Pot. Kettle. Black.
Dusk holds his knee, but Jiles is like a vulture picking the bones of carrion. He grabs Dusk’s injured knee and falls down with a knee drop right across the side of it. Dusk grabs ahold of it, yelling but Jiles doesn’t relent. He holds the leg down, lifting himself up, and coming back down with a second brutal knee drop.
Richard Parker: Ouch! Dusk’s bones are brittle! You can’t do that to him!
Jiles walks around Dusk and drives a salty shoe directly into Dusk’s throat while holding the rope. Nixon starts his count and Jiles is shouting his count along with him. As Nixon gets to five Jiles releases and Dusk rolls away holding his throat. Nixon is lecturing Jiles while he just smirks.
Nick Stuart: I get it, I see why you hate him.
Dusk in the meantime gets his footing, wobbling a bit on the knee. He spins Jiles around and smashes him with a huge right hand that staggers him and the crowd explodes.
Dusk fires off right hands like he’s possessed, driving Jiles down to one knee. Finally he grabs Jiles’ head and places it between his legs. He lifts Jiles into the air and drops him to the mat with a piledriver. The ring shudders as Dusk hooks the leg and goes for a pin.
Richard Parker: RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! THIS IS IT!
Nick Stuart: Jiles is like a twinkie during nuclear winter. It just refuses to decompose and die.
Dusk takes a moment to catch his breath, before trying to cinch in the Anaconda choke. Jiles scrambles away quickly to the ropes. Dusk backs off while Jiles gets to his feet, Dusk doesn’t let him have a moment and starts driving right hands into Jiles’ midsection.
Richard Parker: Just like Youngblood did! DO NOT GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO BREATH!
Nick Stuart: I don’t know if Dusk can keep this pace up.
Jiles grabs Dusk by the face and rakes his eyes. He tries to Irish whip Dusk into the corner, but Dusk manages to put on the brakes. Instead of a full rotation, he Irish whips Jiles back into the corner they came from. Jiles slams face first into Elvis Nixon and stumbles back out. Dusk picks him up and drills him in the center of the ring with a spinebuster. He folds Jiles’ legs over his head and looks around for the count.
Richard Parker: NO ONE’S HOME YOU OLD MAN! YOU KNOCKED THE REF OUT!
Nick Stuart: Dusk had this thing won!
Dusk frustrated stomps over to Elvis Nixon, trying to get him up to his feet, but Nixon just lies there. Jiles, ever the opportunist gets to his feet and plants a double ax handle across the back of Dusk’s shoulder blades. He drives Dusk’s head into the turnbuckle a few times before Dusk finally pushes him away.
Nick Stuart: Jiles back on offense!
Richard Parker: DESTROY! KEEP YOUR EYES ON HIM AT ALL TIMES! NEVER LET HIM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!
Jiles and Dusk both separate and throw picture perfect superkicks at the exact same time. The balls of their feet connect midair, the two men grimacing at each other angrily. Nixon is still down in the corner, they press their feet back and forth like it’s some type of duel for a moment. Dusk’s knee starts to wobble, but Jiles drops his foot letting Dusk come at him, and spits the yellow mist directly into Dusk’s eyes.
Richard Parker: HOYT DAMMIT!
Nick Stuart: Oh no, that Coolympian Yoljk is in Dusk’s eyes.
Richard Parker: He’s stumbling around like Mr. Magoo
Dusk is blinded wildly flailing around the ring, Jiles sizes him up, and absolutely demolishes him with his ‘Terminal Cancer’ superkick. Dusk almost leaves his feet as the boot hits him right under the jaw. Dusk is sprawled out in the center of the ring, and Jiles jumps on top of him hooking both of his legs, and even grabbing the tights for good measure. Nixon crawls over from the corner and counts.
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: I wanted nothing more than for that puke of a human being to go to UltraViolence after having been beaten by someone’s Pappy.
Nick Stuart: It wasn’t meant to be Richard, and Cancer Jiles moves on.
Jiles gets to his feet, and is handed his sunglasses by Vince Howard.
Vince Howard: Your winner by pinfall CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCER JIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Jiles steps through the ropes and starts heading toward the commentary table.
RIchard Parker: Oh no… oh shit… think he heard me?
Nick Stuart: I hope he didn’t hear either of us…