CANCER JILES vs. FLAMBERGE
Nick Stuart: It’s finally time for our main event of the evening! Interesting dichotomy here, the FLAMBO vs the COOLympian.
Richard Parker: I hate Cancer Jiles. I hate Cancer Jiles. I hate Cancer Jiles. I can’t wait to laugh at that scumbag and tell him he lost to his face.
Nick Stuart: Would you really Richard?
Richard Parker: Well… you know…
And then, the lights fade.
I AM dangerous
Dangerous
Dangerous
Dangerous
And across the PRIMEview?
FLAMBERGE
The arena lights come back to life, and out comes the anointed French wrestling prodigy, FLAMBERGE. He saunters from the back with a cool casualness, loudly chomping on a wad of gum, “Dangereux” by IAM blaring as the fans boo…but only a little? More than a healthy portion of the fans in the MGM Grand Garden Arena are cheering, maybe because of FLAMBERGE trying to take control of his own destiny, maybe because of the fact that he’s facing the number one villain in all of PRIME. Regardless, his powerwalk carries with it a weird charisma, a calm indifference, and as he takes his lap around the ring, he pays no heed to his surroundings. Rolling into the ring, he takes the center of the ring, his head bobbing the entire time.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from Strasbourgis, France, standing six foot and weighing in at two hundred six pounds…He is…FLAAAAAAAAAMBERGE!
Chomping on his gum, he gives acknowledgment to Howard before bouncing on the balls of his feet. And as he waits for the arrival of the COOLYMPIAN, he makes his way to the far corner, turning his back to the entrance, the camera now tight on FLAMBERGE, his elbows resting on the top turnbuckle, eyes glowering as he stares at the fans at home, ready for the biggest match of his young career.
Nick Stuart: Flamberge has been on a roll recently, getting some big wins but this is going to be his biggest test yet.
Richard Parker: I can’t wait for him to stuff a bunch of chips in Jiles’ throat then choke him half to death.
The lights slowly draw to a dim.
Then, it’s black.
Then, the birds begin.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Then, the instantly recognizable guitar riff.
Then, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins soothes…
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth…
The booing quickly intensifies.
Richard Parker: And God do I hate this stupid fucking song.
….I am the cool
Intense pyros scorch the MGM Grand Garden Arena. It’s like they saved all of them for this very moment. Out from the back after receiving the proper beckon steps the Grand Maestro of COOL, Cancer Jiles. He stops at the top of the ramp, smiles widely as yolk drips from his chin, arrogantly points to his ab tattoo, and righteously poses for all to boo.
And they do.
En masse.
Richard Parker: And God do I hate him. I hate that smile, his hair, the fact he’s still breathing, and those corny shades.
Jiles casually manifests an egg from behind his ear and flips it deep into the audience. Suddenly, a presumably cultist incel wearing a MESSIAH t-shirt can be heard crying amongst all the intense booing.
Tough week.
Nick Stuart: Like him, love him, hate him, want to watch him suffer– you got to give the guy one thing, Rich, when he’s in the main event there isn’t an empty seat in the house.
Richard Parker: I’ll give him this much, he’s Brandon Youngblood’s bitch.
The Maestro gets a few feet from the ring, crouches down, and places an open palm on the floor. He looks up at Flamberge, says something to him about the COOLYMPIAN fault line running underneath of them, and then somehow smiles even wider than before.
Nick Stuart: Earlier in the week Jiles told Flamberge not to worry about the tremors– that they weren’t from an earthquake but from Jiles’ always endearing ovation. I’m assuming that’s what that was all about.
JIles slithers under the bottom rope and then heads to his corner. Upon noticing Timo Bolamba is the referee for tonight’s matchup, he bends over and asks him if it would be easier to fuck him over if he pulled his pants down. The fans really let the COOLYMPIAN have it for the blatant sign of disrespect. Timo is unappreciative, however keeps his composure and remains professional.
Nick Stuart: Our two men are in the ring, and Timo has called for the bell!
Richard Parker: CHECK JILES AGAIN TIMO! That little prick has to have something in his sock.
Flamberge takes up a Muay Thai kick boxing stance, while Jiles stands across the ring from him. Hands on his hips, Terminator shades still on, just staring into the soul of the young frenchmen. Flamberge stalks forward, careful as can be, but Jiles just stands perfectly still. Stoically staring.
Richard Parker: Hit him! He fell asleep! Hit him!
Like he was listening to Richards commands Flamberge cocks back and fires off a right hand.
Nick Stuart: And Jiles dancing away, wishful thinking here Richard.
Flambo doesn’t take his eyes off the prize as Jiles shifts quickly out of the way. Jiles backs away into the corner, and Flambo tries to follow, coming in with a high kick. Jiles ducks underneath the leg and right back to his original corner. Flamberge shifts his shoulders and turns back around as calmly as ever.
Nick Stuart: This young man has incredible willpower and self control. He’s not phased by the unpleasantness of Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: I think Jiles is scared of him, Nick!
The two reconvene and Jiles is finally ready to fight. Flamberge lowers his shoulder and rips off a right hand to the body that connects right on the tattooed L in cool. The liver shot leaves Jiles trying to back away but there is nowhere to go besides out of the ring. Timo runs to the ropes to admonish Jiles, who simply shrugs his shoulders and doesn’t care.
ONE!
Nick Stuart: Looks like Timo Bolamba is looking to keep this contest moving by trying to count out Cancer Jiles.
TWO!
THREE!
Richard Parker: I told you Nick, he’s running scared.
FOUR!
FIVE!
Flamberge approached the ropes and yells something at Jiles who just smirks and can be seen mouthing the word ‘crumb’ to his opponent.
SIX!
SEVEN!
Jiles grabs hold of the middle rope and looks back at the crowd.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
EIGHT!
He smiles and hops up on the apron pointing to Flamberge and insisting that Timo move Flamberge away from the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Jiles looks to be entering the ring again soon.
Richard Parker: He’s not in the ring yet! Keep counting Timo!
Timo goes to back Flamberge off the ropes, and as he’s between the two men Jiles lets rip an open right hand that catches Flamberge across the face. Flamberge is irate and starts pushing against Timo trying to get to Jiles, but Jiles just drops off the apron and keeps grinning like the Cheshire cat.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: I really hate this guy Nick, I mean I normally like all of them. Hoyt, Bathory, all the bad guys. But this guy.
Nick Stuart: Rubs you the wrong way? I totally understand Richard.
Finally Flamberge backs away from the ropes and Timo goes back to counting Cancer Jiles. But with an entirely new count.
ONE!
Nick Stuart: The count was broken.
Richard Parker: You have to be kidding me Richard. HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME.
TWO!
THREE!
Jiles taunts Flamberge trying to get him to come to the outside of the ring, but Flamberge walks back into the far corner and sits down on the bottom turnbuckle. He never removes his eyes from Jiles.
FOUR!
FIVE!
Nick Stuart: Flamberge looks absolutely irate right now.
Richard Parker: Have you ever seen anger ripple under a man’s skin?
SIX!
SEVEN!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Garbage and trash begin to fly from the upper deck of the MGM Grand as Jiles grabs the middle rope and takes a deep breath.
EIGHT!
Finally Jiles steps up onto the apron, he looks at Flamberge who is ready to pounce sitting on the bottom turnbuckle. He points Timo in Flamberge’s direction but Timo chooses this time not to budge.
NINE!
The ascender of Mt. COOLympus steps through the ropes just in time, and Flamberge is on him faster than a fat guy is in the buffet line at Golden Corral. A right uppercut to the stomach and a knee to the still downed head of Jiles sends him reeling against the ropes. Flamberge unloads with two more right hooks to the body that stagger Jiles into the corner. Flamberge has no mercy, following Jiles into the corner with a running forearm.
Nick Stuart: What a flurry of offensive from Flamberge!
Richard Parker: Where’s Henri? He needs to be telling the kid not to tire himself out.
Jiles goes into a shell with his hands around his face and Flamberge drives a left knee into Jiles’ body that crumples him. Flamberge follows the knee up with a left hand that slumps The Almasy invitational finalist in the corner. He follows up quickly with a series of kicks and stomps to Jiles’ chest.
Richard Parker: He’s going to turn Jiles into mush!
Nick Stuart: And Timo Bolamba is forced to come to the aid of Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: Why?!
Nick Stuart: Because you can’t churn Cancer Jiles’ insides into butter while he’s in the corner RIchard.
Timo gets between the two men and has to forcefully move Flamberge away from Cancer Jiles. The King of COOL pulls himself up slowly in the corner, and starts checking his lip for his own blood. Timo finally gets out of the way of Flamberge and the young man is relentless and right back in Jiles’ face. Jiles looks to stomp the toes of Flamberge, but Flamberge manages to maneuver through and smash Jiles across the face with a right roundhouse kick. Jiles wobbly steps out of the corner, takes two steps and falls right on his own face. Flamberge is quick to flip him over and hook his leg for a cover.
Richard Parker: I don’t know if this is going to be enough but what a kick!
Nick Stuart: Absolutely took the legs right out from under Cancer Jiles.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: Ask Youngblood kid, you have to absolutely massacre this cockroach. But we’re off to a good start.
Nick Stuart: The fans really aren’t happy that Jiles kicked out there.
Flamberge grabs Jiles by his hair and pulls the COOLYMPIAN to his feet. He wraps his arms around Jiles’ waist going for a belly to belly suplex. Jiles flails, but Flamberge won’t be denied and manages to get Jiles up and over, sending him slamming to the mat. Jiles instantly grabs his back and tries to get to his feet, but Flamberge comes roaring in with a knee that smashes Jiles in the back of the head.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is down again! Flamberge with the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
….
KICKOUT!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: WHY WON’T HE DIE!
Nick Stuart: He wasn’t a finalist in The Almasy Invitational for nothing Richard, he’s taken our Universal Champion to his limit twice, and Flamberge is absolutely having his way with Cancer Jiles in there. He just needs to take it the rest of the way.
Flamberge pulls Jiles up to his feet again by his hair. Flamberge backs himself up and comes off the ropes with an attempted spinning roundhouse kick. The wobbly Jiles manages to stick a thumb in Flamberge’s eye, sending the youngster back into the ropes. Cancer Jiles takes the opportunity to drop to the mat and roll out of the ring. Flamberge, holding his eye still tries to come after Jiles swinging a heavy leg at him that barely misses.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ONE!
Jiles stumbles over to the guard rail and leans up against it. He reaches out and takes a fans drink, looks at it, thinks twice, and then just tosses it into the stands.
TWO!
THREE!
The fans return the garbage to Jiles tenfold, plastic bottles and cups flying onto the COOLYMPIAN who doesn’t notice as he crouches down and holds his face.
FOUR!
FIVE!
Flamberge is in the ring, rapidly blinking and while standing in the far corner trying to get his bearings.
SIX!
SEVEN!
Jiles finally stands up to his full posture and waves for Flamberge to come outside the ring. Flamberge waves Jiles off.
EIGHT!
Jiles finally hops up onto the ring apron, once again he tries pointing to Flamberge but Timo just shakes his head and keeps counting.
NINE!
Jiles steps through the ropes, this time with his head up watching Flamberge. Flamberge starts across the ring, and Jiles throws himself through the ropes hitting Flamberge with a spear. The move appears to almost hurt Jiles more as Flamberge scrambles quickly to his feet at the shock of being taken down. Jiles isn’t far behind and reaches for one of Flamberge’s legs, but the leg is already firing forward and catches Jiles across the bridge of the nose. Jiles stumbles backwards and Flambo shoots in with a double leg, taking Jiles down to the mat.
Nick Stuart: What a knee from Flamberge!
Richard Parker: I need Jiles to be in the hospital instead of at the Great American Nightmare.
Jiles tries to set up some type of defense, but Flamberge postures up in Jiles’ guard. Flamberge fires off a right hand that connects again with Jiles’ nose, and another, and another. Jiles finally scrambles and grabs the back of Flamberge’s head pulling him back down. Flamberge slams Cancer off the mat and creates enough separation to posture up again. Flamberge throws a left hand and Jiles manages to awkwardly roll away and kick Flamberge in the thighs with both legs, getting enough space to make it to the ropes.
Nick Stuart: I think I see blood under Jiles’ nose!
Richard Parker: I love when he bleeds! It’s just like against Youngblood!
Jiles gets back to his feet slowly, keeping one hand on the ropes. Timo keeps the two men apart as Jiles finally separates himself from the top rope. His face is covered in blood that’s coming from his nose. Flamberge comes in like a hurricane again, right hand flying, at the same time throwing a left knee. Neither blow connects as Jiles manages to slither out of the way. Flamberge slams into the corner and Jiles fires off a kick to the back of the young man’s knee that drops him. Jiles is behind him, and starts slamming his face off the 2nd turnbuckle over and over again.
Richard Parker: Get in there Timo! Come on!
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles seems a bit irate at how this match has gone.
Jiles turns Flamberge around in the corner and swings a kick in at FLAMBO’s exposed chest. It connects, but FLAMBO catches it with both arms and gets to his feet staring a hole through Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: YES!
Jiles goes for an enziguri, but Flamberge shoves him down to the ground furiously. Jiles bounces off the canvas and Flamberge catches him in the stomach with a hard kick. Flamberge grabs Jiles’ head and goes to lock in the Marie Antoinette guillotine choke. Jiles immediately starts to flail as the hold gets locked in.
Richard Parker: He’s going to turn purple!
Nick Stuart: That blood is literally being squeezed out of Jiles’ face by the young Frenchman.
With his own blood spraying, Jiles manages to wiggle his chin down past Flamberge’s forearm reducing the pressure on his windpipe, but now the gore is really flowing as Flamberge keeps squeezing his head. Jiles does the only thing he can hope to do, and bites Flamberge’s forearm as hard as he can.
Richard Parker: CANNIBAL! I KNEW HE WAS A CANNIBAL!
Flamberge recoils, grabbing his forearm as a smirking, bloodied Cancer Jiles falls to the mat. Timo looks down, and sees the gash the young Frenchman has on his arm and goes to Jiles and warns him.
Nick Stuart: Timo Bolamba doesn’t seem to like the fact that Jiles has taken a bite out of Flamberge!
Jiles ignores Timo and rolls himself out of the ring again.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ONE!
Jiles takes up his now familiar post on the railing recuperating.
TWO!
THREE!
Flamberge walks to the ropes, Timo tries to usher him back into the center of the ring. Timo turns around, now with a broken count.
ONE!
TWO!
Flambo takes off running and baseball slides to the outside.
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Timo looks shocked as Flambo lands on his feet outside the ring. Jiles is on him immediately driving a knee into Flamberge’s stomach. Flamberge crumples over and Jiles drives his head into the railing.
ONE!
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles has a lot of experience outside the ring.
Richard Parker: WHERE IS HENRI? HE SHOULD BE HERE TELLING HIS SON NOT TO DO THIS! TIMO GET OUT THERE AND HELP HIM!
TWO!
Jiles holds Flamberge’s neck across the barricade, choking the life out of him.
THREE!
FOUR!
Jiles’ turns towards the crowd with his bloody grin and the garbage begins to fly again.
FIVE!
Jiles grabs Flambo and Irish whips him into the next closest barricade. Flamberge collides into it, and Jiles comes running, planting a boot across Flamberge’s face.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SIX!
Jiles grabs Flamberge by the arm and this time whips him as hard as he can into the side of the ring. Flamberge looks almost electrified as his back crashes into the apron. The Frenchman falls to the ground, with himself half under the apron and Jiles is on him just out of Timo’s view under the ring.
SEVEN!
Jiles comes out from under the apron smiling, and rolls himself into the ring. He wipes blood and the yellow substance off his chin as Flamberge now crawls out from under the ring, face covered in yellow mist and blood.
EIGHT!
Richard Parker: HE MISTED HIM TIMO! DISQUALIFY HIM!
Nick Stuart: It was under the ring, I don’t think Timo saw it!
Flamberge gets to his feet and is trying to wipe the mist from his eyes.
NINE!
FLAMBO dives into the ring. Into the waiting boots of Cancer Jiles. Jiles starts frantically kicking at Flamberge while holding the top rope, Timo once again tries to get in between them but Jiles shrugs him off and keeps stomping. Bolamba once again inserts himself between the two and finally gets Jiles to separate as Flamberge drags himself up off the canvas by the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is a wild animal in the ring right now.
This time Jiles is on the offensive and stalks over to Flamberge in the corner. Flambo is still trying to get the thick yellow mist out of his eyes, but Jiles doesn’t care. He throws a right hand that connects, and then a left that also connects. Jiles goes to grab Flamberge around the neck, but Flamberge stumbles forward and manages to grab Jiles around the neck in a Muay Thai clinch. He pulls Jiles’ head down and knees him in the mouth. Jiles staggers backwards, and a half blind Flamberge comes forward.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: NO! NO!
All of the air in the MGM Grand is sucked out of the building as the super kick almost decapitates Flamberge, sending his neck snapping backwards as he crumples to the mat. Jiles immediately falls to his knees, every last ounce of energy he had going into his finishing maneuver. Jiles stares blankly for a moment, almost out of it while sitting up. He crawls his way across the ring and waits.
Richard Parker: ROLL OUT OF THE RING KID! DON’T GET UP!
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles is waiting like a coiled snake.
Flamberge drags himself up to his feet using the ropes and stumbles into the center of the ring, Jiles comes forward throwing another Terminal Cancer but Flamberge manages to stumble out of the way.
Richard Parker: RUN KID! GET OUT OF THERE!
Jiles comes from the other corner and Flamberge didn’t see him as he tried to wipe the bloody mist from his eyes.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER AGAIN!
This time Jiles flops on top of the floored Flamberge and hooks the leg.
ONE
TWO
….
THREE
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: What a battle between two incredible competitors.
Richard Parker: He almost had him! He was an inch away!
Nick Stuart: Flamberge has nothing to be ashamed of tonight, he fought like a man possessed. What an incredible match.
FADE TO BLACK