CANCER JILES vs. IVAN STANISLAV
We then cut back to the ring for our next match.
Vince Howard: The following match is one fall and is to determine the #1 Contender for the Universal Title! The winner will receive a shot at ReVival 24 against the current Universal Champion at the time!
The crowd begins to buzz.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles. Ivan Stanislav. One of these two men will have their shot at either Hayes Hanlon or Rezin when we head to the Toyota Center on March 10th.
Richard Parker: Ivan Stanislav, who has wrecked PRIME and has only suffered one loss since joining, could be in for a big opportunity here. Of course, the one person he loss to was Hayes Hanlon, so he might be looking for some revenge when we roll into Houston.
Nick Stuart: Exactly. And the person on the other side of the ring of him–
Richard Parker: Oh, please, do not get me started.
Nick Stuart: –is the former Universal Champion, who just lost at Colossus.
Richard Parker: I’m so happy he lost at his self-monikered Coolosus show. That was my favorite part of the evening. That and the Lindsay Troy and Wade Elliott kiss.
Nick Stuart: That did it for you, huh?
Richard Parker: Just… who doesn’t love a good love story?!
Nick Stuart: …normally, you.
Back in the ring, Vince Howard is ready to make his introductions.
Vince Howard: Introducing first…
There is no music. There is no fanfare. Instead, Ivan and Alexei emerge from the backstage area to silence (outside of the boos of the audience).
Nick Stuart: That’s right. The workers are ‘striking’ against Ivan Stanislav.
Richard Parker: I mean, as they should. They don’t want to be endangered. Ivan should show some good faith to those union workers and buy them some cheesesteaks or something.
Nick Stuart: Do you think Ivan knows a cheesesteak is?
Richard Parker: He hung out with The Anglo Luchador for a moment or two. Maybe he introduced them to Ivan then.
Nick Stuart: I… doubt it.
Vince Howard: He weighed in at four-hundred-pounds and stands at seven feet and one inch tall. He hails from Arkhangelsk, Russia! He is the RUSSIAN BEAR… IVAN! STANISLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!
Stanislav steps over the top rope and thunders into the ring. He raises his arms over his head and bellows at the camera.
Nick Stuart: Ivan has the size advantage, he has the height advantage, he has the experience of being a top-flight champion. He just went to the first ever PWA Supershow and defeated the High Octane Wrestling World Champion, Christopher America. I mean, this guy is on a roll.
Richard Parker: You couldn’t be more right. I was there at that show and Ivan is red-hot right now and Cancer is going to need every trick in the book in order to pull out a victory here tonight.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mr. My Shit is Custom Entrance Goes Here
Vince Howard: Weighing in at two-hundred-and-eighteen pounds, he stands at six feet and one inch tall. He hails from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! He is the Greek God of Cool… CANCER! JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Timo Bolamba gives his final set of instructions to both men and then begins to signal for the bell when he holds up one finger. He then reaches into his back pocket and produces the largest, ugliest goggles that haven’t been worn since the 1980s (Kareen Abdul-Jabbar style). He then puts them on and then looks at both competitors.
Richard Parker: What in the…
Nick Stuart: Timo getting smart here as he’s been victim to that yellow mist from Cancer before.
Richard Parker: Oh, that’s right. Good thinking!
Timo then signals for the start of the match.
DING DING
Cancer Jiles looks at Ivan Stanislav, all seven feet and one inch of him. He then looks over at Timo Bolamba, eye goggles on at all, and then looks back at Ivan. He places his index finger, the one on his left hand because he spent time thinking about it, against the chest of his opponent. Ivan doesn’t budget. Not even a little bit.
Richard Parker: This is already my favorite match ever.
Nick Stuart: You are seriously grinning from ear to ear right now. I’ve never seen you this happy. Not even that time when you had—
Richard Parker: This is not story time with Nick Stuart, Nick! My personal business is my own personal business. Now, let’s focus on the final moments we ever have to watch Cancer Jiles in a PRIME ring.
Nick Stuart: You are a bit too happy about this.
Ivan looks down at Cancer and shakes his head. Cancer inches back, hands up.
“I just wanted to make sure all of *that* is real!”
Nick Stuart: This is like the worst nightmare ever for Cancer.
Richard Parker: This is straight out of my happiest dreams actually. I legit had this dream for two weeks straight and I’ve obviously willed it into existence.
Nick Stuart: No person should be as happy as you are right now.
Richard Parker: I couldn’t agree with you less.
Ivan doesn’t look pleased. Not in the least bit. Ivan lifts his hand up as if he’s going to send Cancer straight to hell without passing go, but Cancer runs backwards and slides out of the ring, shaking his head as he walks around the ring.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Cancer glares at Timo as he hops onto the ring apron, admonishing him in the process.
“You can’t count the CHAMP out!”
Richard Parker: Should I tell him? Can I tell him?!
Nick Stuart: Sit down, you’re not going to tell him anything.
Richard Parker: But I want to tell him!
Nick Stuart: I think the fans are telling him for you.
“HAYES IS THE CHAMP!”
“HAYES IS THE CHAMP!”
“HAYES IS THE CHAMP!”
Cancer glares at the fans and hops off the ring apron to get in the face of a few select fans, but quickly changes his mind when he realizes they’re the unwashed masses and he wants no part of that.
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
Richard Parker: Oh please, get a ten-second count out. Maybe we can then finally stop having him in title matches for a while.
Nick Stuart: He’s been in a fair number of title matches, but at the same time, you can’t deny that he’s earned them.
Richard Parker: You want to watch me deny it?! Do you?!
Nick Stuart: Not particularly.
Cancer hops back into the ring apron and looks bewildered at Timo before stepping through the ropes and then looks over to see Ivan still in the ring. Cancer sighs as he walks over to Ivan and then looks him in the face before connecting with a knife-edge chop that echoes throughout the Amalie Arena.
CRACK!
Nick Stuart: Jiles unloaded everything he had into the double-barreled chest of Stanislav.
Richard Parker: If that’s everything he has, he might as well pack it up and go home. Even if it’s not, he can go home.
NIck Stuart: I wonder who you think is going to win this match.
Richard Parker: Oh I’ve got some opinions on that!
Nick Stuart: I was being sarcastic.
Cancer then turns around and holds his arms open, clearly proud of himself before he jogs around the ring as if he’s taking a victory lap. As he rounds the final corner, he runs smack into the prodigious chest of Stanislav who isn’t phased in the least bit by the knife-edge chop from Cancer. Jiles falls on the ground from the Russian statue and looks up, confused.
Richard Parker: Oh my, I’m dying! I’ve got a stitch in my side! HE IS ON THE FLOOR!
Nick Stuart: Yeah, I hear you. You’ve been cackling in my ear. Can you stop acting like a giddy little schoolgirl?
Richard Parker: Never!
Ivan reaches down and grabs Cancer by the back of head, but Jiles swipes Ivan’s hand off of his head and scrambles to his feet, chest puffed out, and bumps into Ivan.
“YOU DO NOT TOUCH ME!”
Ivan looks at Timo, his former foe a lifetime ago, and then back at Cancer, confused by what is happening. Cancer then cocks his arm back and connects with another knife-edge chop. He then spins around and flexes, showing off what some might assume are muscles and struts around the ring while Timo looks on, rather confused.
Nick Stuart: Someone should tell Cancer.
Richard Parker: I’m not telling him.
Nick Stuart: Well, I’m not telling him!
Richard Parker: He will find out eventually, right?
Yes, he will, because as Jiles runs around the ring again, he runs smack into the seven foot giant he is sharing the ring with and seems intent on knife-edge chopping him even though it doesn’t have the slightest impact on him. Jiles looks up at Ivan, shaking his head, not believing that Stanislav is still standing there. Cancer steps backwards as Ivan inches closer to him. Cancer continues to back up until his back hits the corner. Jiles immediately drops his to his knees as Ivan stands above him. Cancer begins praying, even though no one would remotely listen to a Jiles prayer. Even Him.
Richard Parker: Let him have it, Ivan! Destroy him!
Nick Stuart: I think Cancer is praying his way out of this. Not sure if that’s going to work for him.
Richard Parker: Just keep an eye out for Lucifer to appear out of nowhere.
Stanislav reaches down and grabs the back of Cancer’s neck before yanking him off the mat and pushes him into the corner where Ivan unloads on knee after knee to the midsection of his opponent before he whips him into the ropes and then lifts Cancer over his head, ten feet into the air, and then slams him down to the mat. Jiles bounces off the mat from the impact, with Ivan then dropping a forearm across his chest that nearly sends the former Universal Champion through the mat.
Richard Parker: This is better than anything I could’ve imagined.
Nick Stuart: You look far too excited.
Richard Parker: Just give it time, Nick. Just give it time.
Nick Stuart: I feel like this is a bad plug for one of those pill commercials.
Richard Parker: The Frank Thomas stuff is legit.
Nick Stuart: Moving on…
Jiles bounces back up to his feet but is caught with a massive fist to the jaw from Stanislav that sends Cancer stumbling into the nearby corner. Ivan slams his elbow across the jaw of the former Universal Champion before dragging him out of the corner and whipping him into the ropes. Stanislav goes for a clothesline, but Cancer manages to duck underneath it. Ivan spins around only to find Jiles flying through the air and connecting with a springboard missile dropkick to the chest of the Russian Lord.
Nick Stuart: Did… Cancer Jiles just do an actual wrestling move?
Richard Parker: I just thought he did typical bad guy stuff, you know, eye pokes and groin shots.
Nick Stuart: Same. I think his move list is smaller than Sid Phillips and well, Sid just powerbombs people.
Richard Parker: Not that the impact was the same though. Nowhere close.
Richard is right as Ivan stumbles backwards, but is still on both of his feet. Cancer gets back up to his knees, shocked that the Russian Bear is somehow still on his feet and barely fazed. The Coolympian makes his way back up to his feet as Ivan rushes at him, arms outstretched. Cancer ducks underneath it, bounces off the ropes to give him some additional momentum. He then connects with a chop block to the right knee of Ivan, causing the goliath to howl out in pain and stumbles to one knee.
Richard Parker: This is definitely a better strategy than what Cancer Jiles was trying before.
Nick Stuart: That is an understatement.
Cancer then bounces off the ropes again and this time, connects with a dropkick to the back of Ivan’s left knee, sending the big man crashing to the mat. Jiles hops up to his feet and points at Ivan and then looks at Timo.
“SEE?! I DID THAT SHIT!”
Timo rolls his eyes as Cancer returns to Ivan, rolling him onto his back (with great struggle), picks up the right leg of Ivan and begins kicking it, repeatedly, his goal simply to cut off the vertical base of the hulking giant.
Nick Stuart: Cancer is actually employing a strategy and it is working.
Richard Parker: Okay, this was fun to start with, but now I think I’m going to be physically sick. Are we really going to see Cancer Jiles main event another card for the Universal Title?! Come on!
Nick Stuart: Well, Ivan is going to want to be careful to not let Jiles wear down his legs too much. He is still dealing with a former Universal Champion after all.
Richard Parker: I mean, Jiles can’t do anything else, like more moves… right? He doesn’t know anything else?
Sadly, Richard was incorrect as Jiles stops punting his boot into the right hamstring and knee of Ivan Stanislav and proceeds to put him into a half-Boston Crab, continuing his focus on the right leg.
The large meaty leg of Ivan bends backwards and Ivan groans from the pressure he is feeling across the various muscles and ligaments as Timo asks Ivan if he wants to submit or tap out.
“NYAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Timo nods his head and keeps his eyes on Cancer, knowing that Cancer likes to bend (really, just break) every rule possible. Cancer though looks to be the epitome of cool.
Richard Parker: Oh how I wish I could slap that smug look off his face!
Nick Stuart: I would pay good money to see that.
Richard Parker: Like a thousand dollars? Ten thousand?
Nick Stuart: More like ten bucks.
Richard Parker: Oooh, you drive a hard bargain. Let me think about it.
Cancer wrenches back on the right leg of his foe, determined to rip it off and beat him with it if given the chance. Ivan though continues to resist the pain that is shooting across his body and begins to look for a way out. Cancer locks it in as tight as he can, visions of the Universal Championship and a rematch date with Hayes Hanlon dancing in his eyes.
Ivan then pushes up, easily, and twists around, sending Cancer Jiles flying across the ring. Jiles flies back to his feet as Ivan uses the ropes to pull himself up. Cancer immediately begins planting kick after kick to the left leg of his opponent, but Ivan turns slightly, puts his bear-like hand across the face of Cancer and pushes him into the ropes. Cancer recoils back towards Ivan and is met with a big boot (from the left leg) to his face, dropping him to the mat.
Nick Stuart: Ivan putting some distance between Cancer and himself, but you do have to wonder how much stability that right leg of Stanislav truly has.
Richard Parker: The sight of Ivan just manhandling Cancer over these last few minutes though is more than enough to make me excited for the possibility of what’s to come.
Cancer quickly makes his way to his feet and runs at Ivan full speed only for the Russian Bear to catch him mid-air, wraps his massive arms around him, and begins to squeeze the life out of Jiles in the form of a bear hug. Jiles screams wildly from the pressure Ivan is applying to his ribcage and spleen and other organs that Cancer may or may not have sold off by this point in his life. Cancer begins slamming fist after fist into the face and chest of Ivan, but the Bear seems unfazed as he walks around the ring as if Cancer is a child in his grip.
Richard Parker: Oh, please YEET Cancer through the roof of the Arena. This would be glorious.
Nick Stuart: Cancer is going to have to figure something out here quickly or else Ivan may just kill a man in the middle of the ring.
Richard Parker: We did see a man paralyzed in the ring, so this seems to track with the history of PRIME. Plus, we have a barbwire-ropes match coming up.
Nick Stuart: Yeah, violence is more prevalent here than we like to give ourselves credit for.
Cancer groans, his face grimaces, as he tries to extract himself from the human version of a trash compactor. He then remembers his secret weapon and starts to move his tongue around in his mouth.
Nick Stuart: What is he doing?
Richard Parker: I’m hoping he’s got a cyanide pill in one of his teeth and is going to save us all from ever having to see him again.
Richard is half right as Cancer produces a plastic object between his teeth. That plastic object holds a large amount of yellow… stuff. He then bites into it, yellow liquid (so we assume) fills his mouth. Ivan looks at him curiously as Cancer yanks his head back and goes to spit the yellow mist into the eyes of Ivan, but Stanislav moves his head to the right just enough so the mist flies past him and into the face of Timo Bolamba.
The same Timo Bolamba who had the good thought of wearing goggles. He immediately yanks his goggles off as he is able to see just fine since the goggles took the brunt of the disgusting mist.
Richard Parker: TIMO BOLAMBA IS A GENIUS!
Nick Stuart: Maybe, but at the very least, Timo is not incapacitated.
Stanislav releases his hold on Cancer, shaking his head at the move that Cancer attempted to pull off, but failed at doing so. As he does, Cancer steps back and fires a superkick to the jaw of Ivan Stanislav, connecting beautifully and putting the Russian Bear on his back. Cancer immediately goes for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THR– NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: And Stanislav manages to kick out before it was too late. Cancer thought he had this won.
Richard Parker: Jiles is NOT happy as he thought this match was OVER!
Cancer immediately gets into the face of Timo Bolamba, demanding that Timo count again and this time faster. Timo looks at Cancer and shakes his head. Meanwhile, Ivan begins to pull himself up using the ropes. Cancer looks behind and sees Ivan getting up, and fires off another superkick, but this time, he misses!
Ivan then bounces off the ropes and connects with a shoulder tackle, YEETING Cancer through the air, flipping 720 degrees before he lands on his back, not sure which way is up and potentially experiencing vertigo.
Richard Parker: Oh, I need a replay of that for the rest of the show.
Nick Stuart: Ivan Stanislav looks ready to put Jiles down for good!
Indeed, he is, as he lifts Cancer off the mat and holds him up with one hand before dropping him into a short-arm clothesline containing the full power of Mother Russia.
Nick Stuart: IRON CURTAIN!
Richard Parker: Pin him and get this prick off my screen!
Ivan, unknowingly, acquiesces to Richard’s request as he drops down into the pin and hooks Cancer’s leg for good measure as Timo begins his count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner… IVAN! STANISLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!
Ivan makes his way up to his feet, refusing to allow Timo to raise his arm in victory, and throws both arms up as he bellows out to the crowd once again.
Nick Stuart: What a back and forth, and unorthodox match between these two titans!
Richard Parker: Please, never call Jiles a titan again.
Nick Stuart: Fine. Ivan will be watching with bated breath at ReVival 22 to see who he will face at Revival 24. Will it be Rezin? Or will it be Hayes Hanlon? Ivan Stanislav though has earned himself a shot at the Universal Title!
Richard Parker: That he has. Don’t change your channel, as we have our main event coming up in just moments. A Barbwire-Ropes match for the Intense Title as The Anglo Luchador will defend it against Paxton Ray! Don’t go anywhere!
We then cut to the backstage area where… shenanigans are happening.