CANCER JILES VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
Nick Stuart: Up next, we have an interesting matchup between the fallen demigod of COOL, Cancer Jiles, and the man with the golden gun, Johnathan Christopher Hall.
Richard Parker: If there was ever a time to pour acid directly into my eyes, this is it.
Nick Stuart: So who do you like in this one then? Your contact lens?
Before Richard can respond to his cohort in kind, a COOL chill breezes through the air. The lights quickly draw to a dim. The PRIMEates snap to their feet, and ready their vocal cords for some serious bashing. Then, Screaming Jay Hawkins and his electric guitar take it home…
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth….
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM!
Richard Parker: I said it last show and I’ll say it again– that’s a lot of pyros for our third match of the night.
I AM THE COOL!
The COOLYMPIAN emerges from the back to a tremendous ovation…
BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Richard Parker: I still can’t believe this guy was Universal Champion, and MAIN EVENTED COLOSSUS. Make it make sense.
Nick Stuart: Well, him and Julian took out Phil because glue was getting expensive. Then, Jiles won the title at UltraViolence when he beat Bathory.
Richard Parker: Thanks, Nick. I don’t know where I would be without you.
The former Universal Champion confidently makes his way down the aisle; besmirching anyone looking in his general direction. He then stops, finds the closest camera, and exclaims,
Cancer Jiles: Someone else is about to go missing, MOM! It ain’t my fault either! You did this. You know how to make it stop!
The Big C slithers under the bottom rope, and ignores the referee’s instructions like he doesn’t exist. Jiles then climbs the turnbuckles, opens his arms, and soaks in more of the PRIMEates sincerest adoration.
BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The two most hated members of PRIME are now in the same shot on television and the crowd explodes with booing in the arena. Vickie Hall is so excited to see her man defeat Cancer Jiles she RACES out from behind the curtain as “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith begins on the PA.
Richard Parker: This crowd is not thrilled with this.
Nick Stuart: I mean, I’m sure we’re going to have a great contest. But this is villain on villain.
Meanwhile, a tentative Jonathan-Christopher Hall is far, far behind. Pretty Pink stops halfway down the ramp to wave her man down. He tries to catch up but he slips a few times on the rampway from sheer anxiety. Eventually, however, The Timid Tiger meets his Amazing Life Partner at the bottom of the rampway. Vickie hops onto the apron and Jonathan-Christopher follows. He opens the ropes for Vickie as she proudly enters the ring and her man follows. Pretty pink sparkler pyro goes off on the corners of the ring as Vickie wraps her loving arms around Jonathan-Christopher while screaming into the crowd he’s ready to go.
Richard Parker: This, this is great. These two guys are practically opening the show. After all their bullshit last year going into Colossus, these two, practically opening the show. HA.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think it really matters where on the card you are, Richard. It’s all about what you do with it.
Richard Parker: Go fuck yourself, Nick.
Jonathan-Christopher and Cancer Jiles start the match across the ring from each other.
DING DING
Cancer Jiles walks across the ring, a slight grin across his face. Jonathan-Christopher looks a bit scared as Jiles stalks in. Jonathan-Christopher tries to circle his way out of the predicament, but Jiles is always a step ahead of him. Cutting him off every step of the way, and backing him down into the corner. Hall finally forces the issue when he tries to rotate away, but Jiles fires off an open handed left hand that catches Jonathan-Christopher across the mouth and sends him back into the corner.
Richard Parker: I think Jonathan-Christopher might be in a little over his head here…
Nick Stuart: Really?
Richard Parker: I vomited in my mouth when I said it.
Jonathan-Christopher tries to throw a few shots to Jiles midsection, but Jiles takes the first shot and shrugs it off like the fucking terminator. The other shots are interrupted by Jiles’ foot exploding into Hall’s stomach. The first stomp took his breath away, the second caused Hall to sit down on the middle turnbuckle. The third, drove him off the second and onto the bottom. The fourth fourth and fifth, Jiles is just stomping a mudhole in Jonathan-Christopher Hall. The final stomp flies and Cancer Jiles smiles ear to ear.
Richard Parker: What is that cockroach up to?
Nick Stuart: I have no idea Richard, absolutely none.
Jiles begins waiving Jonathan-Christopher Hall up to his feet.
Nick Stuart: Is he yelling something about an eggsecution?
Richard Parker: Yes. God, I hate that man.
Jiles sticks his head through the ropes and reaches out, grabbing a cameraman. Jiles drags the cameraman over by the lens of the camera.
Cancer Jiles: YOU DID THIS MOM! It’s not on my hands, nope. ALL ON YOU!
Jonathan-Christopher Hall is hanging through the ropes, half in, half out, his upper body hangs out, his stomach throbs. But Vickie Hall is standing there, and she reaches out, grabbing Jonathan-Christopher’s hand. Vickie smiles at him, and leaves him with a roll of quarters in his hand. Jonathan-Christopher begins to get up, his legs are still wobbly, but he finally makes his way to his feet. He turns at the last possible second and is able to duck under the attempt at decapitation that had come for him.
Nick Stuart: Sweet lord, if that Terminal Cancer had hit, Jonathan-Christopher Hall might have been eating through a straw.
Richard Parker: IF, big IF, Nick. Jonathan-Christopher Hall is still in this thing, and THERE WE GO!
Jonathan-Christopher Hall turns and throws that same body shot, but this time Jiles cannot be the terminator. He crumples like folded aluminum, and Hall fires a surging uppercut that takes Jiles, completely off of his feet. Jiles hits the mat like he just got uppercut in Mortal Kombat, Hall dives in for the cover and Nixon starts the count.
ONE!
TWO!
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KICKOUT!
Richard Parker: Shit! Thought Jonathan-Christopher had him.
Nick Stuart: So, rooting for the Love Convoy?
Richard Parker: I can’t help it, I hate him that much.
During the pinfall, Jonathan-Christopher Hall had rolled the roll of quarters to the outside of the ring. His roll didn’t make it far enough, so Vickie had to jump three quarters of the way into the ring to grab the weapon. Vickie barely scrambles out of the ring and the roll of quarters explodes on the arena floor. Nixon walks over to investigate, Jonathan-Christopher tries following Nixon…
Richard Parker: NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO HIM!
Jiles dives through, a huge uppercut to the crotch. Jiles rolls Jonathan-Christopher Hall up from behind. Elvis Nixon spins around just in time to see the pinfall attempt.
Richard Parker: GOD DAMMIT! I TOLD YOU!
Nick Stuart: Jonathan-Christopher Hall has made a mistake, and boy is he paying for it.
ONE!
TWO!
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KICKOUT!
Jiles is incensed. He screams at Nixon, clapping his hands together counting to three. Nixon assures Jiles it was two, and Jiles looks down at his forearm and elbow area. He checks it over, almost making sure it’s not broken. He looks down at Hall and shakes his head. He brings him up to his feet and thumbs him in the eye.
Nick Stuart: He could have thumbed him in the eye while he was on the ground…
Richard Parker: It’s not as insulting if you’re on the ground, Nick. It’s just worse when he does it like this. Absolutely disgusting.
Nixon admonishes Jiles, but Jiles responds with a kick to Hall’s midsection, and then an eye rake. The King of COOL is back on the prowl, and he dives in at Hall’s knees, taking him down with a chop block. Hall scrambles back to his feet quickly, but Jiles is slow and deliberate. Cancer chases in again with a boot to the knee this time, then another, and another. Hall starts to limp his way around the ring.
Richard Parker: He’s like a vulture just picking at a carcass.
Nick Stuart: I’ve never heard him described so succinctly.
Hall finally stops at his corner with Vickie Hall. Jonathan-Christopher takes another look and nods his head. He turns back towards Jiles, who dives in with the Terminal Cancer. Hall ducks down and hits the mat, Jiles’ leg just misses, and Hall takes advantage. He rolls Jiles up, Nixon dives in for the cover. Jonathan-Christopher gets his foot on the middle rope for added leverage.
Richard Parker: GET HIM!
Vickie Hall hops up, lifting Jonathan-Christopher’s legs up and onto the top rope as Nixon is on the other side.
ONE!
TWO!
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THREE!
Richard Parker: HA! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!
Nick Stuart: He did it…
Just a millisecond after Nixon’s hand hits the mat Jiles kicks out. But it’s too little too late and Elvis Nixon calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: HA! HAHAHAHA! HA! … HA!……….HA!
Vince Howard: Your winner by pinfall, Jonathan-Christopher HAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Richard Parker: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Nick Stuart: Can you stop?
Richard Parker: Blame Vince… HAHAAHA! He got me! HA! Wheew. This is a good one Nick, this is a really damn good one. HA!
Jonathan-Christopher vacates the ring and is three quarters of the way up the ramp with Vickie, leaving Jiles to sit and absolutely fume in the center of the ring as ReVival fades elsewhere.