WINNER GETS TITLE SHOT AT ULTRAVIOLENCE:

CANCER JILES vs. JULIAN BATHORY

Nick Stuart:  PRIMEates, it’s time to find out who will earn an opportunity at the Universal Championship at our next supershow, Ultraviolence!

Richard Parker:  When you say it like that, it really downplays the situation we’re in with this match.

Nick Stuart:  Please, Richard, why don’t you enlighten us.

Richard Parker:  If we ever have to see Cancer Jiles in a Universal Championship match again, it’ll be too soon. I’d rather go on Hot Ones and burn a hole in my tongue and grow an ulcer in my stomach! That’s why we all need to be Team Bathory tonight.

Nick Stuart:  I can’t say I find Bathory or his mentor, Violence Jack, all that inspiring and the types to stir up support.

Richard Parker:  Uh, have you seen MESSIAH? Imagine if Julian wins this match, and leads them to the Universal Championship at Ultraviolence? It’s a next level step for him and the entirety of MESSIAH.

Nick Stuart:  Nevertheless, let’s see who it will be and send this one to Vince Howard in the ring!

Vince Howard:  The following match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit, and will determine the NUMBER ONE CONTENDER to the UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP AT ULTRAVIOLENCE!

The tones of “Shadow” by The Enigma TNG string from the aisles to the rafters and back again as the heads of MESSIAH cross the threshold onto the stage. Julian Bathory and Violence Jack make their way down to the ring.

Vince Howard:  Introducing first, hailing from Szeged, Hungary and accompanied by Violence Jack! He stands six feet two inches tall, and weighs in at 226 pounds… he is THE NEW WORLD SAVIOR! THE CARPATHIAN DEVIL… JULIAN! BAAAAATHORYYYY!!

Nick Stuart:  A huge opportunity at stake for the leader of MESSIAH tonight, as Julian Bathory could secure his chance at the top title in PRIME at Ultraviolence, regardless of who the Universal Champion is after tonight.

Richard Parker:  Yes, that’s a rich prize for a win. But don’t undersell the chance to lay waste to that piece of human trash, Cancer Jiles!

Richard Parker:  Cancer isn’t winning any popularity contests tonight, but something tells me that’s the furthest thing on his mind, given the stakes.

Richard Parker:  I’m not sure PRIME can withstand another Universal Championship match with this coward in it. Hopefully Bathory can crack him and let the yolk circle the drain to keep him far from that title.

Julian and Violence Jack exchange a few words before Bathory walks up the steel stairs and makes his way into the ring, not for a second thinking of the crowd. He looks sharply focused, holding in a performance he’s confident will be unleashed and earn him a win once the bell rings. Before we get there… 

The lights dim.

A breeze moves through the air.

The boo birds climb to their perch.

Seconds pass.

Richard Parker:  I can’t stand this guy. I really hope Bathory knocks his teeth out.

Nick Stuart:  It’s real simple— a win tonight for Jiles and it’s the Main Event at Ultraviolence for the UNIVERSAL Championship. And, should fate have it so, a round three against Brandon Youngblood.

Richard Parker:  Not gonna happen. I read that Bathory sacrificed ninety seven chickens over the course of the last two weeks to make sure that doesn’t happen. 

Nick Stuart:  Where’d you hear that?

Richard Parker:  The Cracking News Discord. I was doing some surveillance. AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?

As if on cue, the instantly recognizable guitar riff from “I am the COOL” booms throughout the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Then, it’s Screamin’ Jay’s turn.

I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth… 

Smoke. 

Pyros. 

….I am the cool 

Jiles finally emerges from the back. His hair looks like an infinity million dollar bill. His shades, as if such a thing were even possible, somehow look even better than his hair. He’s even got a picture of a face covered in yolk and shell Julian Bathory on his tights.

This is Great American Nightmare.

Go big or go home.

Vince Howard:  Introducing next, representing the EGG BANDITS… From Phildadelphia, Pennsylvania and weighing in at two hundred eighteen pounds… he is the GREEK GOD of COOLYMPUS… “COOL!” CANCER! JIIIIIILLLLLLESSS!!!

Richard Parker:  The balls on this guy. 

Nick Stuart:  COOLtanium, from what I’ve read.

And of course…

BOOOOOO~! 

The COOLYMPIAN doesn’t stop to pose, or release a burst of his mist. Actually, instead of taking his time like he normally does he keeps his stride swift and heads directly to the ring. Before he slides under the bottom rope he screams at Timo Bolamba to keep Bathory back in the opposing corner. The thing is Bathory is already in his corner, paying no mind to Jiles’ antics. Eventually Jiles slides in, and once again demands of Timo. This time around it’s about wanting to see with his own eyes Timo checking the boots and other areas on Bathory.

Nick Stuart:  Jiles is really laying into Timo here.

Richard Parker:  Yeah, apparently internal bleeding doesn’t count in a Furst Blud match. Such a bag of dicks this guy is. Hopefully Timo disqualifies him for being such a vicious asshole. That would teach him.

Nick Stuart:  Could you imagine?

After getting an extensive, awkward check of his own, Jiles removes his shades and hands them to Vince Howard. He starts to bounce around in his corner to limber up, then shares an insult with a ringside fan. Then one with Timo, and three more for Bathory. Having issued the mandatory instructions to both wrestlers, Timo calls for the bell to start the match!

DING DING

Julian Bathory immediately charges Cancer Jiles, knowing once the bell rings, an offensive is already a moment late. He launches his body with a leg lariat to down Cancer, snakes an arm around his neck, and begins raining down blows to the forehead. Jiles gets an arm between Julian’s and his neck, a separation he leverages to slip out from the sudden assault. Jiles rolls outside, checking for blood and finding none. Julian stands and roars out while Timo puts in a count on Cancer.

ONE!

TWO!

Despite being put on his heels, Cancer somehow still saunters around the ringside area.

Richard Parker: Look at this guy. COOLYMPIAN? More like all shell, no substance!

Nick Stuart: Cancer taking his sweet time on the outside, maybe seeing if he can goad another opponent into coming out, as he did with Flamberge. Meanwhile, Julian Bathory looks like he’s got a whole new level of ferocity to start this match.

Richard Parker: Yeah, facing Cancer will do that to you. Who doesn’t want to smash his face in?

THREE!

FOUR!

Jiles ignores heckling fans at ringside as Bathory watches his opponent circling the ring.

FIVE!

SIX!

Nick Stuart: When it comes to these two, I think it’s safe to say that the mental game is as relevant as the physical action.

Richard Parker: These are two Alphas and only one is going to get the spot at Ultraviolence.

SEVEN!

Cancer finally decides the time is right to surface onto the apron. Bathory wastes no time charging with a Clothesline and whiffs, as Jiles drops to ringside before sliding into the ring and smoothly popping up behind Bathory. Julian snaps off a Backfist Knuckle without even turning. He finds air, with Cancer running off the opposite ropes. Julian finds Cancer hitting a Shotgun Dropkick and bounces off the ropes. In a fluid motion, Cancer is up behind Julian and rakes the back with crooked flexed fingers. The MESSIAH director grabs his back and the COOLYMPIAN hits a series of toe kicks to the ribs. However, the Prince of Tears is quick to get upright and closes the distance with Jiles. A Clothesline is slickly evaded and Bathory turns– TERMINAL CANCER!

Nick Stuart: NO! Bathory managed to drop to the mat as Jiles came whizzing by with his finisher! He scoops Cancer Jiles up into a pin!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Both men are back up quickly. Bathory points to his head with a mirthless chuckle while Cancer slicks back his hair as they circle.

Richard Parker: Imagine if Cancer Jiles ever ended this quickly? I’d vomit all over the front row. Then my heart fluttered at the idea Bathory could catch him in that pinfall!

Nick Stuart: I think it was a defensive maneuver to buy Bathory a moment. He knows it’s going to take way more to secure the number one contendership to the Universal Championship.

Richard Parker: If Mr. COOL weren’t such an arrogant jerkoff, he’d realize the same is true to put away Bathory.

An exchange of words leads to The New World Savior initiating the next volley. A forearm turns Jiles’ head and Bathory goes for another. Cancer ducks under and locks his arms around Julian’s waist again, but receives back elbows that catches Jiles on the temple. Julian gets free and sends Jiles flat back to the mat with a Clothesline near the ropes. He grabs Cancer’s legs and positions his head under the bottom rope. In the next moment, Julian finds a ruse unveiled as Jiles pulls his legs forward. Julian goes throat first against the top rope, gagging, while the COOLYMPIAN slides to the apron. He drops Bathory’s throat over the top rope again, sending him to the mat while clutching his windpipe as Jiles makes his way back in for a pinfall!

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Nick Stuart: Shrewd move by the veteran Jiles, who is establishing control of the match.

Richard Parker: It won’t last for this ingrate. It’s just the setup to the bloody comeback for Bathory. Wait and see.

Jiles slides back in and blatantly ignores Bolamba’s asking him to wait so he can check on Bathory. Cancer begins a round of stiff kicks that receive admonishment from Timo, then a count ensues.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Cancer walks away from the assault on Julian, only to begin a new wave of stomps that received another count reaching four. He rakes the eyes of Julian for good measure before as the crowd provide their soundtrack for the Greek God of COOL.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Richard Parker: CAN WE JUST DISQUALIFY THIS CHUMP ALREADY?!

Nick Stuart: Cancer is really testing Timo with his choice of offense. I’m sure Timo doesn’t want to have to end the match that way, but Cancer may give him no other option.

Richard Parker: Don’t be weak, Timo! Buy a clue. I know every trick in the book and Jiles is so far down in the trash heap, he doesn’t deserve leeway.

Jiles uses the ropes and his heel to unceremoniously shove The Prince of Tears out of the ring. He rolls out and lifts Bathory up, lacing a knife edge chop across the chest. A second chop causes Julian’s hands involuntarily to go to his chest, with discoloration appearing. Cancer grabs Bathory’s wrist and Irish whips him into the steel stairs as Timo puts in a count…

ONE!

Richard Parker: REVERSAL!

Nick Stuart: Bathory flips the script and sends Cancer crashing back first into the steps! It looked like the eGG Bandits leader had things in hand, but through hell and high water, Julian found an opening.

Richard Parker: Now keep on him.

TWO!

THREE!

The Prince of Tears closes the distance with a Kitchen Sink knee that doubles over the COOLYMPIAN. With a snarl, he leans Jiles back and strikes with a knife edge chop. Jiles leans forward, gasping for air. 

THREE!

The Prince of Tears grabs Jiles in one hand, and cocks back an arm, savoring the moment before hitting a straight punch to the face of COOL, who reels back against the steps. Bathory repeats the cycle and pounds his own chest a couple times. The Carpathian Devil realizes Timo paused his count to warn about using a closed fist, but does not restart the count.

FOUR!

FIVE!

The New World Savior substitutes forearm shots that leave one of Cancer’s cheeks blushed. Far from satisfied, Bathory sits Cancer’s dazed form on top of the steel stairs so his back is facing Julian.

SIX!

SEVEN!

Julian rolls back into the ring, only to step back out onto the apron. Timo tells him to take things back in the ring, but the Prince of Tears waves him off as he eyes Jiles.

Nick Stuart: I’m not sure what Julian has planned here, but I would guess it’ll maximize the pain on one Cancer Jiles.

Richard Parker: Good, send him to the hospital for all I care. Let the Bandits have the night off early so we don’t have to worry about their lurking around.

Nick Stuart: Richard, I think that’s over the line, even for Jiles.

Richard Parker: Hey, who wants to see him around? NOBODY!

Gauging his distance, Julian leaps clear over Jiles from the apron and snaps the COOLYMPIAN’s into and off the steel stairs. Cancer tumbles off to the floor, gripping his head. The New World Savior is up and feeling his control tightening before hauling Cancer up and into his arms. 

ONE!

Timo puts in a fresh count, and Bathory looks back briefly before sending Cancer crashing into the barrier. He pulls Jiles up and uncorks an Exploder Suplex that sends Cancer’s body rattling into the barrier before dropping down and pressing his head against the barrier, trying to break him clear through it.

TWO!

Nick Stuart: Bathory landing Jiles on his back and neck before literally trying to cave his head in!

Richard Parker: Some think it’s vicious, but this should only be the beginning of the end for the Cancerous stain on PRIME!

THREE!

The Carpathian Devil has plans for the immediate future of the Bandits’ leader. He grabs the COOLYMPIAN by an arm and drags him off the railing. 

FOUR!

He yanks Jiles up and hooks an arm around the neck, with his other going under one of Cancer’s legs. In one smooth motion, he lifts, turns, and smashes Jiles neck first onto the ground.

Nick Stuart: CARPATHIAN DEATH SONG! If he can get Cancer Jiles back into the ring, that could be it!

FIVE!

Richard Parker: GET ON YOUR DARK HORSE, BATHORY!

SIX!

Bathory applies a headlock but finds the dead weight of his opponent won’t move easily.

SEVEN!

The Carpathian Devil lifts Jiles in a Fireman’s Carry and deposits him onto the apron.

EIGHT!

As he follows in, Cancer stirs with an eye pokes that sends Bathroy to a knee outside. Jiles rolls into the ring, still down.

NINE!

Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it!

Richard Parker: NOT THIS WAY! NOOO!

Timo raises his hands and rules… Julian Bathory dove into the ring in time, as he was unable to complete the ten count. Cancer Jiles rolls himself over and make a cover!

ONE!

TWO!

THR— VIOLENCE JACK PUTS BATHORY’S FOOT ON THE ROPES!

Nick Stuart: Violence Jack took advantage of Timo’s view on that one! Otherwise, this match may very well have been over.

Richard Parker: I’m glad someone knows what to do around here.

Julian rubs his eyes on the mat while Cancer rolls onto his back, his nose trickling a stream of blood.

Nick Stuart: A razor thin margin for Julian Bathory, who BARELY beat the count and nearly felt the sting of a Jilesing. Violence Jack nearly got him disqualified, but the play worked.

Richard Parker: My heart may not make it through this show, seeing Jiles creep closer to another Universal Championship match.

Julian goes outside of the ring, still trying to clear his vision. Timo sticks his head through the ropes to check on Bathory, and Violence Jack reaches into the ring and drags Jiles out of the ring and traps him inside the apron skirt.

Nick Stuart: Violence Jack trapping then peppering Cancer with strikes while Timo is distracted!

Richard Parker: It’s everything Jiles deserves. He’d do the same if he could, and thankfully he can’t right now.

Nick Stuart: I know Jiles isn’t someone who holds to rules, but do two wrongs make a right?

Richard Parker: Nick, how long have we been calling matches? Obviously they do!

Julian waves his arm to direct Shanahan away from Jiles as Timo turns around and only sees VJ checking on Bathory, with Jiles still stuck and blood smeared across his face. The Prince of Tears suddenly grabs Shanahan and squints – or is it a glare? – and holds VJ close to him, whispering. He then points to the ring and walks away, towards Cancer. VJ gets up on the opposite side of the apron from Jiles and begins arguing with Timo about the eye poke Cancer delivered earlier. As they argue, the Carpathian Devil looks incensed at Cancer for nearly getting him counted out. He chokes Cancer with both hands before yanking Jiles out of the predicament, and into a new one.

Nick Stuart: Bathory crossing Jiles arm over his throat, lifting him straight up into a vertical position…

Richard Parker: STARFALL BOMB!!

Nick Stuart: Or, CSILLAGHULLÁS BOMBA! Bathory is out to not only win the match, but possibly send Cancer Jiles on the shelf as he drops him ON HIS HEAD TO THE FLOOR!

Richard Parker: I TOLD YOU NO ONE WOULD CARE!

Some gasps cruise through the arena as the audience watches what could be an execution at hand. The New World Savior isn’t done picks up an unmoving Jiles, crimson mask and all, before charging him into the ring post. Jiles rebounds off the floor and Bathory picks up the steel stairs as Timo remains engaged with Violence Jack. Julian slams the steel steps across the body of Cancer, who spasms from the impact. Bathory reacts with a devilish grin, the deed done, and collects the limp body. He rolls Cancer into the ring and enters as VJ drops down and Timo watches Bathory make a cover!

ONE!

TWO!

….

THREE—FOOT ON THE ROPE!!!

Richard Parker: WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL!

Nick Stuart: It wouldn’t be true but for our eyes seeing it! Jiles is NOT done yet, by a mere inch of his toe on the rope!

Richard Parker: This is straight up BLASPHEMY!

The Prince of Tears is seeing red, and not from raked and poked eyes. He gets up and into the face of Timo, insisting the count was slow. Cancer struggles his way to his knees, only for Bathory to drop a 12-to-6 elbow that flattens Cancer.

Nick Stuart: That’s a clear sign that this match could be nearing it’s end.

Richard Parker: Yes. The real Great American Nightmare, of Jiles getting another Universal title shot, will soon be over. Thank MESSIAH!

Near fall or no, the Prince of Tears knows where this is leading, and waits on the Ascendant of Mount COOLYMPUS. One by one, Jiles uses the ropes to slowly right himself, breathing labored, yet his hair looking as immaculate as always. Looking to speed things up, Bathory rips Jiles off the ropes.

Richard Parker: YES! CHAOS REIGNS!!

Nick Stuart: NO! NO! COOLYMPIAN YOLJK HITS THE MARK!!

Richard Parker: NOOO! HOLD ONTO HIM BATHORY!

Too late, the Prince of Tears is rolling on the mat, trying to clear his face of the yellow mist. The COOLYMPIAN grabs the ropes for support but falls to the mat, exhaustion and blood loss setting in. He uses a forearm to clear his eyes before moving to a corner position.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Nick Stuart: Pretty sure I’ve seen this before.

Richard Parker: This would be a travesty, a farce, a FLEECING if Jiles pulled this one out. Don’t let this ungrateful stain on PRIME get away with it, Bathory.

Nick Stuart: You can’t deny that Jiles has found his way to multiple title shots, including as a finalist of the Almasy Invitational. Could one more shot be all he needs?

Richard Parker: Hey, I don’t have to like it! Stop rubbing in the fact of the matter as we’re about to live in that grim reality.

Cancer watches as The Prince of Tears rises, and fires off TERMINAL CANCER— NO! Whether through preparation or Bathory having his vision enough, he catches the leg of Jiles, spins him around and grabs him around the neck for CHAOS REIGNS– DENIED! The spilled blood of Cancer has slicked up Bathory’s arms, allowing Jiles to wriggle free. Bathory swings wildly to tag Jiles but misses, and Cancer clips the knee of The New World Savior. Seeing an opening, The COOLYMPIAN CONNECTS WITH TERMINAL CANCER!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Richard Parker: DON’T LET HIM!

Nick Stuart: JILES FALLS ON TOP OF BATHORY!

ONE!

TWO!

….

THREE! 

…

NO! NOT THREE!

Richard Parker: MESSIAH RISES!

Nick Stuart: By the width of a sheet of paper! Maybe! That was as close as it gets, and Timo now finds himself cornered by Cancer Jiles!

Richard Parker: TIMO JUST TOSS HIM! DQ!

For the moment, Timo finds enough restraint and tells Jiles to respect the stripes. Cancer spits blood onto the mat and picks up Bathory– ELDRITCH DRIVER! NO! Jiles holds on for dear life to The Prince of Tears. Jiles charges him into the corner and Timo has to dive out of the way, momentarily out of position.

That’s all he needs.

Nick Stuart: LOW BLOW! Cancer goes low on Bathory!

Richard Parker: Timo DIDN’T see that??

Nick Stuart: He had to retreat out of the corner, he couldn’t!

Jiles holds up Bathory using the corner as Timo pulls himself off the mat. Bathory’s face is etched in agony, so Cancer turns him and begins slamming his head on the top turnbuckle. Once. Twice. Three. Four times before leaving Bathory slumped against the turnbuckle and Jiles steps back, motioning for Julian to extract himself. As Bathory turns, not only does Terminal Cancer MISS but Cancer’s foot connects with an exposed turnbuckle that The Carpathian Devil tore the pad off of.

Nick Stuart: Jiles sticks the landing on the exposed ring and staggers! He turns right into CHAOS REIGNS!!

Richard Parker: DON’T LEAVE IT TO CHANCE!

Nick Stuart: Maybe he heard you because Julian Bathory is not done!

Richard Parker:  R’LYEH ANTHEM ’19! DO IT NOW!!

Nick Stuart: He has Jiles up and JILES WRIGGLES OUT TO THE SIDE! TERMINAL CANCER HITS!!

Richard Parker: This really is a nightmare.

Both men collapse on the ground, spent. They’ve been trying to annihilate each other with their best shots and the exertion has caught up.

Along with something else.

DING DING DING

Richard Parker: What the…? Did Bathory have his hand over Jiles? Please say yes.

Nick Stuart: The bell rang and Timo Bolamba is talking to Vince Howard.

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been informed by Timo Bolamba that this match is a… TIME LIMIT DRAW!

The PRIME faithful are split, some displeased to not have a definitive winner, and an equal number are happy neither of these two will walk out with a title shot.

Nick Stuart: It’s not everyday you see two competitors throw their best shots, and not give in. This is what it means to compete for a chance at the Universal Championship! For Bathory and Jiles, the time expired leaving them and us with unanswered questions.

Richard Parker: We got to see these two almost kill each other, Jiles bled a gusher AND is denied the Universal Championship match at Ultraviolence! Not gonna lie, it’s better than it could have turned out.

Nick Stuart: I’m not sure where this leaves us, but I have to imagine we’ll hear a ruling one way or another soon enough. For now, we have plenty more action at Great American Nightmare, including the Five Star title match pitting Rezin against the champion, Hayes Hanlon! Before that, a brief ad break to regroup.