CANCER JILES VS. KENNY FREEMAN
We cut back to the arena, where we see both Nick Stuart and Richard Parker sitting at the announce table. The PA system is playing Monster Siren’s “Real Me” for a short while before Coral Avalon takes a seat next to Stuart.
Nick Stuart: Well, folks, before we get to our next match it seems we have a guest joining us at the announce table.
Richard Parker: Yay.
Once Avalon finishes adjusting his headset, he greets the commentary team.
Coral Avalon: Gentlemen. Hey. Real quick. I’m not trying to steal your thunder. For whatever reason, Jiles invited me here, so… might as well see him wrestle up close and personal instead of getting another rental car totaled.
Richard Parker: I wouldn’t accept that guy’s invitations. Not even if it were a fountain of youth party. Just saying.
Coral Avalon: Spoken like a man who survived an eggsassination attempt.
Richard Parker: Shut up. God.
A trap remix of the Soviet Union national anthem plays over throughout the arena as Kenny Freeman steps out onto the stage, the Bang! All Day Championship around his waist as he stands next to Randall Schwartz…but notably, not Ivan Stanislav. It’s unclear why the Russian Bear is not out here, but for now we focus on the Masters of the Moscowverse soaking in jeers from the crowd…before Randall blindsides Kenny with a forearm to the back!
Nick Stuart: Wait, what in the world is going on!?
Richard Parker: I can’t believe it! The Masters explode before our very eyes!
The crowd is stunned by this turn of events as Randall calls for someone to come out…a request that is eventually obliged by someone in a referee’s shirt! Someone oddly familiar, despite being someone we’ve never seen bef–wait a minute…
Nick Stuart: That’s…that’s another Kenny!
Richard Parker: The Council has betrayed Freeman here tonight, Nick!
Coral Avalon: The what?
The crowd is beside themselves — well, the ones who didn’t go to the bathroom after realizing Jiles would be coming out second — as they quickly realize just what’s going on…because Randall makes the cover, and Refer-Freeman makes the count!
Richard Parker: Is this really happening?
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The Refer-Freeman raises Randall’s arm in victory to a wave of boos from the crowd, now fully aware of the ruse that’s just taken place as Randall takes the championship away from Kenny…and proceeds to hightail it out of sight to the back!
Nick Stuart: Oh, I…I think I understand what’s happened now.
Coral Avalon: I’m glad one of us does. I’m still bewildered.
Richard Parker: It’s brilliant, Nick! There was chatter about Kenny’s match against Jiles being for the Bang! All Day Championship…but that can’t happen if the champion isn’t in the building! Good on you, Masters, I’d hate to see Jiles hold another title around here!
Kenny pops up and looks towards the entrance ramp bewildered. He can be seen mouthing the words “what just happened?” What he cannot be seen doing is looking towards the ring, and that feels like a mistake. Another thing he doesn’t realize is that his little escapade has now cut into you know who’s entrance time. So, for the second time tonight, Kenny is blindsided from behind. Only, the man blindsiding him isn’t someone that had been a stalwart ally of his since day one.
No, the man blindsiding him is a crumb.
The king of those.
Nick Stuart: From behind! Cancer Jiles isn’t waiting for this match to start!
Coral Avalon: Of course he isn’t.
Jiles whips Freeman into the barricade, and then grabs him by the wrist and does it to the barricade on the opposite side. Upon impact, Jiles starts hammering away at Freeman. First, it’s with fists, and when Freeman slumps down from the blows, he starts adding boots to the mix.
Freeman is forced to crawl away, and Jiles stalks after him with all of the urgency of a man looking to pick up his morning mail. Then, as Freeman makes it to the ring and looks like he might get inside in order to save himself, the urgency upgrades to a man looking to pick up his morning mail while carrying a chainsaw and going after a trespasser.
Cancer Jiles: Oh no, you don’t, you fucking crumb!
Coral Avalon: Keeping it classy.
Jiles grabs Freeman from behind, and instead of throwing him into the ring at the behest of referee Jimmy Turnbull, he flings K-Free into the steel stairs!
CLANG!
Freeman hits the stairs with his back, and writhes in pain on the ground. Jiles is expressionless as he walks over to Freeman and drags him to his feet. After pulling him around the stairs that’d been dislodged from their position from the impact of Freeman’s body, he whips K-Free into the guardrail with significant force.
CRASH!
Nick Stuart: This match hasn’t even started yet, and Jiles is taking it right to Kenny Freeman!
Richard Parker: Typical. Just typical.
Jiles walks up to Kenny, and with a glance, locks eyes with Coral Avalon seated at the commentary desk. He drags Kenny back up to his feet.
Nick Stuart: He’s coming this way!
Richard Parker: Oh no, not again!
Nick and Richard both stand up and back away from the table, but Avalon makes a point to not move an inch from his seat.
SMASH!
Then Jiles slams Freeman’s face into the commentary table, sending some of the things on top of it flying, and he does it without even breaking eye contact with Avalon.
Cancer Jiles: Apologize to him, Coral.
He pulls Freeman upright again, and then slams his face down on the table again.
SMASH!
Cancer Jiles: APOLOGIZE!
And again.
SMASH!
Cancer Jiles: TO!
And again.
SMASH!
Cancer Jiles: HIM!
He lets Freeman go, who crumples to the ground in a daze. Jiles, though concealed behind a tinted lens, never stops staring Avalon down the entire time, and Avalon stares right back at him. When Avalon slowly rises from his seat, that’s when Jiles decides that he has better things to do. He takes his shades off, tosses them to Coral, pulls Freeman back to his feet and then rolls him back into the ring.
Jiles turns back to Avalon, locking his now exposed eyes back on the Crownless King. For his part, Avalon never moves from his position.
Cancer Jiles: I’ll be right back for them.
Finally, Jiles rolls into the ring, and the match can actually begin.
DING DING
Kenny Freeman is barely able to get to a corner before Jiles is on him like eggs on toast, stomping away at his head. Jimmy Turnbull needs to make a five count to make Jiles even consider stopping, and when Jiles does stop at the count of four and a half, it’s only to turn to Turnbull and give him the finger before stomping away again.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is out here like a man possessed tonight!
Richard Parker: Possessed by an egg devil, you mean.
Coral Avalon: Don’t you mean a deviled egg?
Richard Parker: …No. Shut up. I hate you. I hate you both.
Another five count, and Jiles breaks at four and a half again. He pulls Freeman up to his feet and gets his hooks in for a vertical suplex. He plants half of the Masters of the Moscowverse – provided that they’re still together after what happened earlier – and goes for the cover.
It’s only a two count before Freeman gets his shoulder up, so Jiles stands up and glares at Jimmy Turnbull, as though offended by the cadence of his count. Jiles pulls Freeman up again, and lands a second vertical suplex. Float over, into the cover.
It’s yet another two count, though, and now Jiles is heated. He gets right in Turnbull’s face and backs him all the way into the corner, angrily informing him the “proper” cadence for counting to three.
Richard Parker: Look, no referee in the world is going to alter their count just for Cancer Jiles. Now, if it were Prop– Pepp– …Propper-chick? Uh, if it were Comrade Ivan? Forget about it. The referee will just slap the hand once and say it’s a three count, because it’s what he deserves!
Nick Stuart: …I have questions about your logic. So many questions.
Finally, Jiles finishes arguing with the referee and pulls Freeman up for a third suplex. Only, this time, Freeman slips out of the move in the middle of it and shifts his weight until he lands in a stunner!
Jiles is rocked, stumbling backwards while clutching his jaw. His back hits the ropes, and he needs some time to shake the cobwebs.
Freeman recovers long enough to run at him and land a shotgun dropkick, sending Jiles through the ropes and to the floor.
Coral Avalon: I know we all treat Kenny Freeman like he’s a goof, and maybe rightfully so. Let’s not forget that when you get him in the ring, he’s got plenty of skills. You can’t underestimate him.
Jiles stands up in a daze on the floor just in time to see Freeman running at him at lightning speed. A tope suicida catches the former Universal champion with a shoulder to the jaw, sending him barrelling into the barricade.
CRASH!
Nick Stuart: Tope suicida from Freeman, and he’s battling back against the COOLympian here!
Richard Parker: Go, Comrade!
Freeman grabs Jiles by the head and rolls him back into the ring. Jiles is in a daze and spins around in a circle, practically wobbling as he does so. When he finally turns to face Freeman setting himself on the apron, he takes a springboard dropkick to the face! Freeman scrambles on top of Jiles, looking for the win.
ONE!
TWO!
NO!
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman is showing some fire against maybe his most dangerous opponent to date here!
Coral Avalon: He needs it.
Freeman grasps Jiles’ wrist, and looks to lock in the Freeman Special that’d served him well so far in PRIME. Instead, Jiles quickly executes the Greco-Roman thumb in the eye (very technical technique) to make Freeman back off from the idea. Then he grabs a handful of his tights and pulls Freeman into the corner, smashing his face against the second turnbuckle with a thud.
Coral Avalon: While I’m here, I might as well make this clear to you two and everyone watching that I have no intention of joining the Bandits. Zero.
Richard Parker: That is, easily, the smartest thing you have ever said. By an order of magnitude. You’ve hit your zenith. You also hit your nadir with the “deviled eggs” bit. Really, a commentary of two halves.
Nick Stuart: Richard.
Coral Avalon: No, no. Let him cook. What else do you have?
Richard Parker: Uh, your forehead is big.
Coral Avalon: Oh. You wound me!
Richard Parker: Yeah! I bet I do! No one can handle my cutting wit!
Meanwhile, in the ring and away from whatever nonsense is going over at the commentary table, Jiles is pulling Freeman back into the center of the ring, makes a cover, and grabs a handful of tights because why not?
ONE.
TWO.
NO.
Jiles is exasperated at the two count. One could say he’s eggsasperated. He takes the time to give a nasty glance over at Avalon, who merely stares back. Jiles picks Freeman up and pokes him in the eyes again. Just to let him know. He ignores Turnbull’s admonishment as he grabs Freeman and pulls him to the corner. He lifts Freeman up to a seated position on the top rope, and climbs up to join him. A front facelock heralds the superplex, but Freeman fights back, battering the Curtain Jerk with shots to the ribs. This doubles over Jiles, and allows Freeman to come over the top attempting a sunset powerbomb!
But Jiles hangs on.
Freeman tries to force the issue, but Jiles’ grip is too strong. He rears back and aims a punch downward at Freeman’s face, but ends up hitting the turnbuckle when Freeman ducks away. As Jiles holds his hand in pain, Freeman lands the powerbomb!
Nick Stuart: FREEMAN LANDS THE SUNSET BOMB!
Freeman is dazed in that way you might be when you’ve done a move you seldomly get to execute, but he soon leaps on top of Jiles for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-KICKOUT!
Freeman looks up at the referee, wanting to know if it’d been three. It hadn’t been. It’d take more than that to kill this cockroach. Running out of options, Freeman runs into the ropes and comes back with a dance straight out of Fortnite. Pick your poison. Then he drops the leg on Jiles…
…and he’s the one hurt.
Because he misses.
Nick Stuart: Nobody home on the Follow the Freeman!
Coral Avalon: …Why does he need to do a dance?
Richard Parker: There’s a lot of questions to be asked, and that’s certainly one of them.
Jiles gets to his feet, and pulls Freeman up by fish hooking his face. Referee Turnbull hates this, and starts another count, but Jiles uses the fishhook to position Freeman for a DDT. Instead, Freeman pushes Jiles into the ropes in desperation to avoid getting dumped on his head. Jiles clings to the front facelock, and forces Jimmy Turnbull to try and break the hold himself, getting between the two wrestlers.
OOOOHHHHH!!!
BOOOOOOOO!!!
So, a lot happened at once there, and all of it’s perpetrated by King Crumb. First, Jiles lets go of the front facelock. Second, Jiles pushes Turnbull aside like he’s parting the Red Sea, conveniently keeping his back to the action. And third, and most importantly, is the kick in the nuts so ferocious that Kenny Freeman is elevated almost a foot off the ground from the impact. Like, holy shit, that man has a family! Or he was going to. Probably not now.
Richard Parker: Oh, COME ON!
Nick Stuart: A vicious low blow from Jiles!
Coral Avalon can be heard sighing on commentary.
Miraculously, Kenny is somehow still on his feet, but he’s definitely not walking straight.
Jiles has a pitiless smirk on his face. For him, this isn’t about Kenny Freeman. Not really. This is about the man sitting at commentary.
Jiles doesn’t even hesitate.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: God dammit.
Coral Avalon: Language.
Richard Parker: Go fu–
Strangely enough, Richard’s audio goes out just as he starts to say something. Weird.
Anyway, Jiles falls down on top of Freeman after landing his jaw-jacking superkick.
ONE.
TWO.
THREE!
DING DING DING
BOOOOOOO!!!
There’s a drought of happy people in Little Caesars Arena, a figurative desert of sadness as “I Am The Cool” fills the PA system. Jiles raises his arms in triumph before he rolls off of Freeman’s prone body. He stares down at him even as Jimmy Turnbull raises his arm in victory. It doesn’t take long before Jiles is kicking Freeman out of the ring, who rolls under the bottom rope under threat of salty shoes.
Coral Avalon: Gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me.
Coral stands up from the commentary table and enters the ring with a microphone in his hand. He does not go in between the two ropes Jiles is kindly holding open for him.
Richard Parker: I can’t wait to see the look on Jiles’ face after Coral tells him no.
Nick Stuart: Again.
The two veterans of the ring now occupy the inside of it. Kenny is back at Moscow Park and is once again a free man.
Coral Avalon: Well, I guess you—
The Maestro of COOL reaches out and quickly swipes the mic out of Coral’s hand.
Cancer Jiles: So what’s it going to be, Coral? Are you ready to be forgiven? Are you ready to free yourself from my yolky pursuit? Are you ready to accept the challenge and dare to walk mongst the Bandits?
The PRIMEates in attendance start to chant.
NO!-NO!-NO!-NO!-NO!-NO!
The COOLYMPIAN does not find thier reaction too amusing; which causes him to lash out and implore them to shut up. During Jiles’ tantrum, Coral reaches out and swipes the microphone out Jiles’ hand which causes everything to come to an abrupt halt.
Richard Parker: This is it! Here it comes! Heartbreak in three, two, one….
Coral raises the microphone to his lips, a wide smile covering his face. He stares into Jiles’ soul, or whatever is in place of his soul, and then takes one last look out at the vast but not so sold out audience.
Coral Avalon: I’m going to se–
Poor guy. Never even saw it coming. Then again, Coral should know you never look away from Cancer Jiles. Not while in striking distance.
Low blow.
COOLYMPIAN YOLJK.
Terminal Cancer.
Richard Parker: That’s one way to make a three egg omelet.
Nick Stuart: So VILE! My God! Does Jiles not have a heart? Does he not have a soul?
Richard Parker: He really got all of that mist! Coral’s entire forehead is yellow!
The Crownless King lay motionless on the mat, still clutching at his rearranged testicles with a salted yellow face. His assailant stands over him, emotionless, like all eggsecutioners are. After a moment of silence, Cancer reaches down and picks up the microphone.
Cancer Jiles: I guess that’s a yes then.
The Maestro chuckles before rolling out of the ring. He slowly makes his way up the ramp, all the while watching Coral nap up on the Crumbotron. As he is about to make his way through the curtain, he stops, noticing that Coral and his misted face are starting to come to.
Cancer Jiles: Oh. I forgot to tell you. It’s a Lumberjack match, and don’t worry about the Jacks. I know some people.
Mic drop.
The show then cuts to commercial break.