CANCER JILES VS. ROCKY DE LEON
The match graphic appears.
Nick Stuart: Got a good one coming up. Rocky de Leon has really stepped it up a notch recently. A tough loss at the pay-per-view against Jonathan-Christopher, but he was clearly the better man.
Richard Parker: I see this match graphic and I’d like to raise you a bathroom break.
Nick Stuart: I’m not a Jiles fan, either but can’t you get behind de Leon?
Richard Parker: Absolutely not.
The scene switches to ringside where Vince Howard stands in the middle of the ring.
Vince Howard: This match is for ONE FALL!
The crowd loves knowing it’s for one fall, even though all the matches this week are one falls. Nevertheless…
Vince Howard: Introducing first… from Laredo, Texas… weighing two-hundred-fifteen pounds… ROCKY DE LEON!!!
“Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” by Streetlight Manifesto airs over the PA as the crowd gives a cheer for the masked wrestler who pops out from behind the curtain and begins bouncing his way down the ramp. He slaps fan’s hands in the process while continuing to fire up the crowd.
Nick Stuart: It should be a quick affair, a fast wrestling bout. I’m sure both men want to place their best foot forward.
Richard Parker: Can I say something about Rocky’s theme song? I’m hearing it, okay. I looked it up right now on Spotify. What a stupid name for a song. Was Julio the singer’s only friend?
Nick Stuart: First off, it’s a Paul Simon song. Second, the song is about two children breaking the law and-
Richard Parker: And this is the guy we’re supposed to cheer for? His song sends subliminal messages to CHILDREN about breaking the law. This is terrible music, by the way.
To the mercy of at least one man, de Leon hops over the top rope and the crowd gives a cheer before the theme song comes to a close.
Vince Howard: His opponent… from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… weighing two-hundred-eighteen pounds… THE COOOOOOOOOL… Cancer Jiles!
A chill moves through the air.
The lights slowly draw to black.
One little pyro pops.
An electric guitar riffs with the power of ten Stanislobs behind it.
Nick Stuart: Here he comes. The Opener. Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: Is it just me, or is this clown’s monumental fall from grace one of the most heart warming things to have ever happened in the history of PRIME? The former champion of the skybox is now wrestling dinosaurs during the bathroom break. Poetic justice in its most PRIMEvil form.
Nick and Dick share an off camera fist bump.
Instead of Jiles walking through the curtain to a sea of monotonous booing, a thunderous neigh from a godly beast rattles not only the PRIMEates in attendance but also the very fabric of the Pittsburgh area.
Nick Stuart: It can’t be! Is that?
Richard Parker: A fucking Pegasus?
Nick Stuart: IT IS A PEGASUS!
Richard Parker: This prick just refuses to be out done.
The camera misses it, well it’s blurred out so as to not scare the public, but Jiles takes a quick lap flying around the arena atop of his steed. He even safely dodges all manner of objectile during the jaunt before landing inside the ring. After eloquently dismounting as if he were a seasoned equestrian, he firmly slaps the mythological creature on the ass. The impact sends the Pegasus flying over the top rope and galloping back towards the bottom of the entrance ramp.
Richard Parker: You’d think that horse was fleeing from being decapitated with how fast he’s moving.
Inside the ring, a COOL Cancer Jiles rests in his corner while a ready to go Rocky de Leon bounces up and down in his.
Nick Stuart: The referee is Timo Bolamba. He’s going to call this as best he can.
Bolamba motions towards the time keeper’s table.
DING DING
And the match is off!
Nick Stuart: Almost the same size and weight between these men. I’d say it should be a good one, but, of course, Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: Maybe there’s an alternative universe where I’d enjoy Cancer’s work.
Nick Stuart: You really mean that?
Richard Parker: God no!
Jiles and de Leon circle around the ring with the speedier Rocky wanting to already tango in the center. Jiles, however, couldn’t give a fuck whatsoever. He’s merely taking a step back each time Rocky lunges forward.
Richard Parker: A side note, if Cancer and Coral keep bumping into each other, I’m going to turn into a coke head soon.
Parker pauses.
Richard Parker: So are they.
Nick Stuart: Well, Jiles already came down on a pegasus.
Meanwhile, the cat and mouse game between THE COOL and de Leon goes on for a good thirty seconds before de Leon races forward with a roundhouse kick and it actually catches Jiles under the chin! The crowd gives a roar as de Leon Irish whips Jiles into the ropes but the crafty vet hooks his arms around the top rope and stops dead in his tracks. de Leon was looking for a dropkick and he hits the mat early… this allows Jiles to spring from the ropes, slide down to the canvas and hook de Leon into a pin!
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: I hate to say it but this was almost over in a jiffy!
Richard Parker: I’d hate to say it, too. Why am I investing in a guy like Rocky de Leon? I really dislike both of these men. I’m destined to be disappointed either way, aren’t I?
de Leon pops to his feet and ducks a (likely) poke to the eyes by Jiles. de Leon springboards off the ropes and comes across with a cross body block. It connects as Rocky lands on top of the former Universal Champion and hooks a leg.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: It was almost over again!
Richard Parker: I’d love to be doing something else right about now.
Both men are on their feet but this time there’s no dancing. They grapple and de Leon takes charge. He has Jiles in a headlock before Cancer pushes the younger wrestler into the ropes. Jiles hits the mat as de Leon hops over him and into the ropes across the way. As Cancer jumps up, it’s clear he’s looking for Terminal Cancer already but de Leon dodges it!
Nick Stuart: Both men want this match over in a hurry!
Richard Parker: At least that’s SOMETHING for me to hope for.
de Leon goes for a superkick of his own but Jiles rolls to his right. Jiles hits the ropes again and this time both men run into each other with crossbody blocks.
Nick Stuart: Jiles and Rocky are down!
However, it’s Rocky who kips up first and then Jiles does the same, but also needs the ropes for help because it looks like he doesn’t want to exert as much energy. de Leon marches over to Jiles and this time The COOL gets that rake to the eyes.
Nick Stuart: The ref didn’t see it!
de Leon stumbles around on his own two feet as Timo tries to figure out what happened. The smug look across Jiles suggests something mischievous but you can’t call what you can’t see.
Jiles hits a side Russian leg sweep on de Leon.
Cancer thinks about hooking a leg for a pin but ultimately knows better. He’d love the match to be over with quickly, though, so he whips de Leon around and plans him in the middle of the ring with an implant DDT.
Jiles is going to the second rope. He measures de Leon and jumps off-
WHAM!
Nick Stuart: Oh my, what a move!
de Leon jumps up at the last possible second and catches Jiles in mid-air with a pop-up powerbomb!
The ref slides into position and makes the count!
ONE.
TWO.
SHOULDER UP!
de Leon rolls away from Jiles and then slides into a corner of the ring. He uses the buckle to prop himself up and waits for Jiles to get on all fours before charging in…
SWOOSH!
de Leon goes for a high knee but Jiles moves out of the way. Cancer tries for a backstabber but Rocky is too strong on his feet so the leader of the Egg Bandits crashes to the mat with nothing to show for it. This time, the second Cancer gets on his feet…
WHAM!
He’s hit with that leaping knee strike by de Leon!
Nick Stuart: Rocky has come to wrestle tonight!
Richard Parker: You say that like he hasn’t before.
Nick Stuart: I didn’t mean it like that. He’s just very quick on the counters!
de Leon is looking for more offense. He sprints towards Jiles but The COOL wiggles away at the last second. Cancer takes a dive into the ropes and responds with a high air jump, planting the heels of his feet directly towards de Leon’s crown in a modified head stomp maneuver.
Nick Stuart: I believe Jiles has taken that move straight out of rival Conor Fuse’s arsenal!
Richard Parker: Who? That idiot comic book kid?
Nick Stuart: Yes, Jiles hates Fuse! Weren’t you paying attention?
Richard Parker: I’ve blanked on a lot of stuff recently.
While that is the move Cancer connected with, it’s clear he’s still learning to master it… because when he Irish whips Rocky into the ropes, it’s reversed. de Leon then meets Jiles at the ropes, even before the former champion can bounce off them. Rocky connects with a crossbody block that sends BOTH men onto the apron and down on the outside.
…right beside the Pegasus that Cancer Jiles rode in on.
Nick Stuart: Trouble written all over it.
Unfortunately, the one who seemed to take on the brunt of the fall was Rocky de Leon, who comes up holding his knee. This gives Cancer Jiles an opportunity to recover as he knocks himself in the side of the head. Jiles finds de Leon and delivers a hard forearm blow to the side of his face.
Nick Stuart: What’s he doing now?
Jiles tries to Irish whip de Leon into the Pegasus but at the very last second Rocky reverses the whip. It looks like Cancer’s face is going to eat the side of the stallion but then HE’S able to reverse the Irish whip and send de Leon over to the Pegasus for good.
Nick Stuart: LOOK OUT!
Instead of going head-first into the spiritual animal, Rocky is smoooooth and slides underneath it. Jiles has a look on his face wondering where in the hell Rocky went.
And then finds the masked star on TOP of the Pegasus!
Cancer Jiles: That’s my ride you fucking crumb!
Rocky hops off, landing on Jiles’ shoulders and wrapping his legs around The COOL’s neck… in the form of a hurricanrana!
Nick Stuart: Great move but it won’t get the three on the outside of the ring.
de Leon knows this. He also knows they are about to be counted out so he rolls into the ring. Being the good sport he is, RdL rolls back out to break the count at SEVEN.
Unfortunately for Rocky, however, being a good sport doesn’t pay off when Cancer Jiles is crawling around on all fours and finds an opportunity…
Nick Stuart: LOW BLOW by Jiles! Timo didn’t see it!
Jiles grins sadistically. With de Leon bent over, he steers the masked wrestler towards the Pegasus. But towards a specific area on the Pegasus.
Its ass.
Richard Parker: I’m going to puke.
Nick Stuart: Well Rocky better hope that horse isn’t ready to do anything.
Yes… Cancer Jiles is currently holding Rocky de Leon’s head underneath the pegasus’ ass. It looks like he even mouths the words “c’mon boy” a few times.
Thankfully, however, de Leon pulls away from Jiles and knocks him in the side of the head with an elbow before the “pegasus” can do anything.
de Leon stumbles towards the apron and slides into the ring again to break the TEN count… only to slide right back out and look for Cancer Jiles.
WHAM!
Jiles with a picture perfect knee clip to de Leon, followed by a back rake and then for good measure the former champion hurls RdL into the steel steps head-and-neck first.
Nick Stuart: That’s likely to do additional damage if Jiles ends up connecting with Terminal Cancer.
Jiles thinks about throwing de Leon into the ring but decides to go in himself.
Richard Parker: Is that prick going to try winning by count out?
Nick Stuart: Looks that way.
With Rocky DOA on the floor below, one hand on his neck and the other on his jewels… Cancer Jiles is all smirks. He gives the thumbs up to the Pegasus like a job well done as PRIME security finally shows up to remove the animal back up the rampway and into the backstage area.
Nick Stuart: Good. Had enough of that.
Richard Parker: They should’ve been down here at the start of the match!
As Nick and Dick bicker back and forth, Timo is making his count on the outside. He’s at THREE.
Nick Stuart: I’m sure Jiles pulled a fast one on everybody.
Richard Parker: How could he pull a fast one!? First off, it’s a horse. Pegasus aren’t real. Or is it Pegasi? It’s dressed up like one but I’m not an idiot. Second, how do you SNEAK something like that in here without anyone noticing!?
Bolamba is now at SIX.
Nick Stuart: Look, don’t ask me. I’m just saying we don’t have to put up with nonsense outside the ring anymore.
With the count at EIGHT, Jiles raises his arms, knowing victory has been found.
NINE.
TE-
NO!
Nick Stuart: de Leon is back in the ring!
A furious Jiles races over, lifts Rocky de Leon onto his feet and looks for a small package piledriver.
It connects!
Nick Stuart: It’s over! Jiles with a hook of the leg!
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
The crowd comes ALIVE! The arena is rocking as Cancer Jiles looks up at Timo Bolamba with THREE fingers directly into his face.
Nick Stuart: Cancer better watch it here. He’s pushing Timo very hard right now.
The referee stands his ground and swats Jiles’ hand away. Nevertheless, The COOL refuses to back down.
de Leon is on his feet… he charges at Jiles. He crushes the Egg Bandit under the jaw with a European uppercut… followed by another… another… another! de Leon is whipping Jiles from pillar to post! The masked star bounces off the ropes and takes a running start at Jiles when-
Cancer pulls the referee in front of him so Rocky has to put on the brakes!
BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: Get out of here!
Richard Parker: Unfortunately due to their prior disagreement, Timo found himself awfully close to the action so Cancer used it to his advantage. That prick got lucky!
Rocky shouts at Jiles to move Bolamba out of the way but once Timo moves himself out of the way-
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT!!
Nick Stuart: THE MIST!
Richard Parker: God dammit!
Cancer Jiles sprays his yellow muta mist all over Rocky de Leon.
There’s just one problem.
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Rocky de Leon: SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Nick Stuart: It didn’t phase him!
Because, of course, Rocky’s in a mask.
Richard Parker: What an idiot! I’ll enjoy this moment.
Jiles stands there wide eyed and stunned, while the crowd goes bananas for Rocky de Leon. The Texas native encloses on Cancer and this time the former world champion has nowhere to go.
Jiles backtracks into a corner of the ring. He sticks half his body through the bottom and middle rope and begs for Timo Bolamba to get in the middle and administer a five count! However, before Timo can-
Low blow!
Nick Stuart: That clever brat! Cancer Jiles suckered them all in. Once again, Timo was not in the position to see it. Jiles hit de Leon with a low blow!
With Rocky hunched over, Jiles bursts out of the corner.
WHAM!
Terminal Cancer.
Richard Parker: God dammit!
Jiles falls on top of de Leon, hooks a leg and counts along with the referee.
ONE.
TWO.
THREE.
DING DING DING
The jeers reign down inside the arena, as Vince Howard announces the winner and his theme song plays.
Vince Howard: Here is your winner… THE COOL… CANCER JILES!!!
Nick Stuart: You have to feel for Rocky de Leon.
Richard Parker: I don’t have to feel for either of them!
Nick Stuart: Rocky’s had back-to-back losses against the two biggest cheaters in our company, Jonathan-Christopher Hall and Cancer Jiles. You can make the case he should’ve won both of them!
Richard Parker: I’m out on this guy. Thanks for nothing, Rocky.
Jiles allows Timo to raise his hand even though he’s playing up the bad blood from the earlier three count, while Rocky de Leon rolls out of the ring, holding the side of his head.
ReVival then cuts to a commercial.