CHANDLER TSONDA vs. CORAL AVALON
We cut to ringside as we prepare for our next match.
Nick Stuart: We’ve got a doozy on our ha–
Richard Parker: Seriously, I need you to come up with some new lines.
Nick Stuart: What are you talking about?
Richard Parker: [mocking] We’ve got a doozy on our hands next for you. [regular] You can do better. Get some fresh material.
Nick Stuart: You’re in a mood tonight.
Richard Parker: That’s every night, sir.
When the darkness hits the Bridgestone Arena and the beginning of Monster Siren’s “Real Me” hits, the fans erupt.
A steady fog billows out from the entryway, enshrouding three figures in silhouette amidst the flood of lights. One, the reigning King of Crumbs, whose electric blue tracksuit stood out even in the darkness. Two, a rotund man who hardly befits the traditionally ominous entrance of the Crownless King. Three… well, we just said…
When the lights came up upon the guitars, Coral Avalon appeared without cloak or tracksuit. Instead, he’s just here in his ring gear and a familiar “THE EGGPIRE STRIKES BACK” T-shirt. More and more, Coral Avalon is taking on some of the attributes of the Bandits. God help us all.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is a quarterfinal matchup in the Seymour Almasy Memorial Tournament! Introducing first… residing in Seattle, Washington! He weighs in tonight at two hundred and fourteen pounds! REPRESENTING THE EGG BANDITS! HE IS THE CROWNLESS KING! CORAAAAAALLLLL AVALOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!
Avalon makes his way down to the ring accompanied by everyone’s favorite cherubic dipshit, Bobby Dean, and everyone’s least favorite crumb, Cancer Jiles. His expression tells the whole story, that of a man with the grim determination to make it past his opponent tonight and make it a date at ReVival 40 and the semi-finals.
Richard Parker: I find new things to be disgusted by every single time I get on commentary and talk about things and stuff, Richard, but hearing Vinny say “representing the eGG Bandits” followed closely by the name “Coral Avalon” makes me want to vomit up entire rainbows.
Nick Stuart: Please don’t. I don’t want to see what leprechaun lives at the end of that rainbow.
Richard Parker: He’s ornery and he hates Cancer Jiles.
Avalon makes it to the ring and rolls underneath the bottom rope. After flashing his hand sign to the camera – fists together, pinkie and ring fingers out – he tears his T-shirt off and tests the ropes, waiting for his opponent.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…
“I said ‘kiss me, you’re beautiful’
These are truly the last days'”
The weathered voice from the beginning of Godspeed You! Black Emperor’s “Dead Flag Blues” fades into the short acoustic section that begins Coheed & Cambria’s “Welcome Home.” After twelve seconds, the guitars thunder in and start to kick ass, as gold and green pyro goes off in perfect timing with the power riffs.
As the PRIME*View displays the words “Model Citizen” in white over a black background, Tsonda swaggers out from behind the curtain. He soaks up the fan’s reaction at the top of the ramp, smirk painted across his face. And amidst the haze of pyro, smoke, and green & gold lights, he sprints to the ring, slides in under the bottom rope, and finally acknowledges his opponent. Tsonda bounces on his toes, mouthing something that’s inaudible to anyone but him.
Nick Stuart: And as you will notice, Chandler Tsonda isn’t alone.
Richard Parker: Don’t get me started…
Nick Stuart: He has been joined by Paxton Ray.
Richard Parker: Why would you get me started? WHAT IS THE BUFFOON DOING OUT HERE?! What is Tsonda thinking?!
Nick Stuart: Well, considering Dean and Jiles are out here, it makes a bit of sense.
Richard Parker: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s like a ringside of my least favorite people. I hope an asteroid hits all of us.
Tsonda and Avalon receive their final set of instructions from Jimmy Turnbull before he takes the Numbers Don’t Lie Championship and hands it to the ringkeeper. He checks on both men and then points at the timekeeper.
DING DING
The two superstars circle around one another, eyes locked upon one another, hesitant to make the first move. Tsonda continues to inch towards his right, his eyes firmly upon the appendages of the Crownless King. Chandler spins to his left, looking for a spinning heel kick, but Avalon bats it down. Coral fires off his own boot, targeting Tsonda’s jaw. The Model Citizen ducks out of the way, though, and goes for a leg sweep, only for Avalon to leap over it. As Avalon’s feet land on the mat, Tsonda rushes into Avalon, pushing him into the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Both stars going right at one another–
Richard Parker: You can tell how much they’ve studied each other, remember from their previous matches.
Nick Stuart: Exactly; they’ve got similar styles and will be ready to counter one another immediately.
Tsonda whips Avalon into the ropes and goes for a clothesline on his opponent. Coral manages to duck under it and bounces off the opposite ropes. The NDL Champion fires off a back elbow, but Coral also manages to duck underneath it. The Crownless King leaps onto the middle rope and springboards backward, looking for a moonsault, but Tsonda manages to move out of the way. Avalon, though, manages to land on his feet and blocks a forearm to the face from Tsonda before both men retreat to the opposite corners, chests heaving.
Richard Parker: Clearly, they both need more cardio training.
Nick Stuart: That’s rich, considering I don’t think you’ve done any cardio training ever in your life.
Richard Parker: Well, that’s not nice.
Nick Stuart: Then don’t say things you’re not ready to get called out on.
Both men cautiously move towards the center of the ring once again and enter a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Tsonda immediately manages to get Avalon into a side headlock. Avalon wraps his arms around the waist of the Model Citizen and lifts him into the air before dropping him on the back of his head. Chandler grabs the back of his head before rolling onto his knees.
As he begins to push himself back up, Avalon closes the gap and whips Tsonda off the ropes. Avalon dips his shoulder, looking for a back-body drop. Tsonda manages to stop on a dime in front of Avalon, wraps his arm around the neck of the Crownless King, and lifts him up into the air before connecting with a stalling lift implant DDT. He then goes for the cover and Turnbull starts counting.
ONE!
TWO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: Tsonda thought he had this thing wrapped up after connecting with the Golgotha Drop!
Richard Parker: Cancer Jiles was halfway up the ramp; that’s how much he thought this match was over.
Nick Stuart: The sight of Paxton Ray out here has definitely neutralized anything that Jiles and Dean would have attempted.
Richard Parker: I think Bobby is busy eating chicken and unaware there’s even a match happening.
Nick Stuart: Poor Bobby.
Tsonda helps Avalon up to his feet and pushes him into one of the ring corners. He connects with a knife-edge chop that echoes throughout the arena.
CRACK!
He then grabs Avalon by the wrist and goes to whip him to the opposite corner, but Avalon reverses it and sends Tsonda chest-first into the corner he was back-first in a moment ago. Chandler stumbles backward, his arms clutching his chest. Coral wraps his arms around the waist of Tsonda and connects with a release German Suplex that sees Tsonda land on the back of his neck and skull.
Tsonda rolls onto his feet, dazed and out of it, and is met with a boot to the midsection from Avalon. Coral follows it up with an Excalibur (sitout double under hook piledriver). However, before Avalon can pin Tsonda, the Model Citizen rolls out of the ring and lands on the floor mat.
Nick Stuart: And Avalon with the Excalibur! Tsonda, though ring-aware, rolled out of the ring.
Richard Parker: Veterans of the ring, these two, are always trying to stay one move ahead.
Nick Stuart: Neither of them can take another hit like they’ve taken in the early stages of this match, though. Another one of Tsonda’s signature moves or Avalon’s armaments will signal the end quickly.
Avalon follows after Tsonda, who is lying on the floor mat, not doing much in the moving department. Coral hovers over him before he leaps off the ring apron and goes for the top rope diving double stomp only for Tsonda to roll out of the way at the last possible second. The Crownless King stumbles back to his feet as the Model Citizen gets to his and connects with a dropkick to the chest of Avalon that sends him crashing back-first into the ring apron.
Tsonda drives a forearm across the face of Avalon before hopping onto the ring apron. He drags Avalon up with him and tries to drive him back first into the ring post, only for Avalon to grab the top rope and block it at the last moment. He uses the top rope as leverage as he gets his right boot up and kicks Tsonda in the back of the head, sending him crashing back into the ring. Avalon then connects with a springboard version of the top rope diving double stomp and then covers Tsonda.
ONE!
TWO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: Carnwennan to Tsonda, but the right boot on the bottom rope kept Tsonda alive there.
Richard Parker: Tsonda’s ring awareness is the only thing keeping him in this match.
Nick Stuart: Tsonda needs to get back on the offensive in a big way or he will be exiting this tournament.
Richard Parker: You still have Bobby and [wretches] Caner.
Nick Stuart: Cancer.
Richard Parker: I said what I said.
The Crownless King pulls Tsonda away from the ropes and back to his feet, where he slips behind him and into a half-nelson. He then lifts him up and goes for a half-nelson backbreaker, only for Chandler to counter it with a backflip, and lands on his feet. He drives his knee across the jaw of the Crownless King, and as Avalon turns away from him, Tsonda grabs the arm furthest from him and connects with a ripcord knee to the face that sends Coral crashing to the mat. He then locks in the Cobra Clutch on the reeling eGG Bandit.
Richard Parker: Well, that looks painful.
Nick Stuart: Tsonda has the Breathtaker locked in, and I don’t know if Avalon will be able to get out of this.
Richard Parker: When you’re an eGG Bandit, nothing is out of the realm of possibility.
Nick Stuart: Avalon is doing everything he can to get to the bottom rope while Turnbull checks on him. He’s army crawling and…
Avalon struggles but eventually makes it to the ropes. Tsonda breaks the hold on Avalon, who immediately rolls away, rubbing his neck in the process. Tsonda bounces off the ropes and goes for a knee across his opponent’s face, but Coral manages to roll away at the last moment. Chandler lands awkwardly on his left knee and clutches it, giving Coral the opening he’s been looking for. He immediately rises to his feet and slams his boot into the kneecap of the NDL Champion. Tsonda groans in pain, rolling away from Coral, but Avalon senses blood in the water, grabs Tsonda’s left leg, and slams his boot into the back of his knee, causing Tsonda to howl in pain.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: And Tsonda is in a world of hurt!
Richard Parker: One mistake is all it took, and Tsonda has opened himself up to a world of hurt.
Nick Stuart: And the crowd is showing they’re not a fan of Avalon is capitalizing on this.
Richard Parker: Oh, the fans can stuff it.
Nick Stuart: I think Bobby Dean can help with that.
Tsonda tries to rise to his feet, but the Crownless King connects with a forearm strike that sends Tsonda to one knee, leaning into the ropes. Avalon immediately wraps the leg around the middle rope and wrenches at it as the referee orders him to break the hold. Coral, a master of the ring, holds onto it until a four-count before breaking it. Tsonda rolls under the bottom rope, needing a break from Avalon’s relentless attack. Coral, though, wastes no time as he bounces off the ropes and connects with a basement dropkick to the left knee of Tsonda, sending him careening off the ring apron and into the barricade.
Richard Parker: Okay, now this Coral, I could get behind. I mean, not with him BFFing with Jiles.
Nick Stuart: Avalon knows what is on the other side of the fence and wants the victory, wants to move on to the final four in this tournament.
Richard Parker: That would be… something. Could we end up with Cancer vs. Coral in the finals?
Nick Stuart: It’s right there for the taking.
Avalon rolls out of the ring and slams his boot across the face of the Model Citizen before yanking him to his feet. Coral then whips Tsonda knees-first into the ringside steps, sending Tsonda crashing over the top of them and back onto the floor mat. The crowd yells at Avalon while Jiles and Dean look on, laughing but careful not to get too close to the action, considering the Bayou Butcher is on the scene to keep them honest. Tsonda rolls around in pain as Avalon climbs onto the steps and waits for the perfect moment before leaping off the top step and slams both feet into the left knee of the NDL Champion. Chandler slams his hand into the floor mat, the pain becoming excruciating.
Nick Stuart: Things are not looking good for Tsonda here.
Richard Parker: Turnbull might need to end this match.
Nick Stuart: I think Tsonda would vehemently oppose such a decision.
Richard Parker: Remember when Tsonda would spray hair product in the eyes of people… think he could do that here on Turnbull?
Nick Stuart: I highly doubt it. Tsonda is climbing back into the ring as Avalon is stalking him now.
Coral follows Tsonda into the ring. Chandler tries to crawl away from Avalon, needing as much of a break as possible, and finds himself in the corner. Avalon rushes at Tsonda, who manages to get his right boot up and into the midsection of the newest eGG Bandit. With Avalon stunned, Chandler grabs the top rope and watches as Avalon turns around. Tsonda uses his strength to pull himself off the mat into the air and wraps his legs around Avalon’s neck before connecting with a flying head scissors that sends Avalon sliding across the mat.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Nick Stuart: Tsonda starting to show some life here and uses his agility to send Avalon flying across the ring.
Richard Parker: I… that man must be a genius in the bedroom. I need to pick his brain a bit.
Nick Stuart: Could you not? Just no!
Richard Parker: What? I can multi-task.
Nick Stuart: You’re like a squirrel. Focus on the match.
Busy in the corner massaging his leg, Chandler slams his elbow into the jaw of the approaching Avalon. The shot catches Coral off guard as Chandler spins around and catches the Crownless King with a spinning heel kick to the midsection. Before Tsonda can capitalize, though, Avalon fires off a kick to the left knee, sending Chandler crashing to the mat. He then grabs Chandler’s hand and puts him into a wrist clutch before connecting with a snap Angle Slam (Camelot’s Turntable). With Tsonda laid out in the center of the ring, Avalon drapes his arm across Tsonda’s chest.
ONE!
TWO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: Avalon has to ask himself what more he has to do to get Tsonda down for good after connecting with the Camelot’s Turntable!
Richard Parker: You’ve got to surprise Tsonda with a very vain comment, knock him off his game.
Nick Stuart: …you are something else, you know?
Richard Parker: This I do know.
Avalon drags Tsonda to his feet and goes to whip him into the ropes, but Tsonda reverses it. As Coral rebounds off the ropes, Tsonda catches him with a Spanish Fly, sending the arena into a frenzy. Tsonda returns to a seated position, his body feeling the effects of a violent Avalon attacking him relentlessly. He climbs to his feet and snaps his boot across the right arm of Avalon. Tsonda, remembering what Avalon did to him, yanks Avalon up to his feet and wraps Avalon’s right arm around the top rope, wrenching back at it, just breaking it at the five-count. He pulls Avalon away, puts him in an arm wrench, and yanks down as hard as he can on Avalon’s arm. Coral collapses to the mat, clutching at his right arm.
Richard Parker: Well, this seems unfair.
Nick Stuart: And it was fair when Avalon did it to Tsonda?
Richard Parker: At the time, yes.
NIck Stuart: And how did you come to that conclusion?
Richard Parker: Boy math.
Tsonda grabs Avalon and pulls him off the mat before pushing him into the ropes and connecting with a knife-edge chop.
CRACK!
Avalon doubles over from the pain, but Tsonda grabs Avalon by the shoulders and yanks him back up before connecting with a second knife-edge chop.
CRACK!
Avalon drops to both knees, and Chandler follows it up by driving his boot into the right shoulder of Avalon, causing the Crownless King to go down in a heap. Before Tsonda is able to follow up with it, though, Jiles hops onto the ring apron, which gains the attention of Tsonda. Jiles hops down, though, as Paxton rounds the corner and Bobby Dean mindlessly steps in front of Jiles, shielding him unknowingly. With Tsonda’s back to him, Avalon connects with a chop block to the left knee, causing Tsonda to writhe in pain.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: Is there a universe where Paxton Ray can knock out Cancer Jiles and Coral Avalon continues to be a bad boy?
Nick Stuart: I don’t think Avalon is purposefully being a bad boy — that feels weird to say.
Richard Parker: Well, Bobby Dean better pay attention to what’s going on, because Paxton Ray nearly mowed him down.
Nick Stuart: Which is something I’m certain Cancer Jiles won’t mind.
Richard Parker: Obviously.
Coral makes his way back up to his feet, eyeing the proceedings outside, but turns his attention back to Tsonda before connecting with a leg drop across the left knee of the NDL Champion. Tsonda rolls away from Avalon, but Coral refuses to give him space as he yanks him to his feet and drives him into the corner. Avalon then grabs the left leg of Tsonda and places it on the middle rope before he springboards off the ropes and connects with a dropkick to the knee. Tsonda collapses onto the ground, grabbing at it in agony. Avalon drags Tsonda to the center of the ring and locks in a half-Boston Crab to his left leg, forcing the NDL Champion to groan in pain.
Nick Stuart: Oh, this might do it! That Boston Crab is locked in tight, and Tsonda looks like he’s in agony!
Richard Parker: Could you imagine if that’s how Tsonda goes out? He would never be able to live it down.
Nick Stuart: It’s not how he would want to go out, not in the least. Tsonda is one of the toughest in the business, and his body is failing him.
Richard Parker: If that’s your body failing on you, I would kill to have his body.
Nick Stuart: Then stop putting away two large pizzas every week.
Richard Parker: …no, I don’t think I will.
Avalon continues to wrench back on the leg of Tsonda as the referee checks on Tsonda, who refuses to give up. Not here, not now. He props himself up on his forearms and tries to crawl his way over to the ropes, but Avalon lowers his grasp, wrapping his arm around the knee and causing immense pain to Tsonda. Avalon sits lower on the back of Tsonda, which gives Chandler an opening to reach back (thanks to many years of Pilates and yoga) and yanks at the neck of Avalon in the process. Coral has to break the hold, which causes Tsonda to roll away, grabbing his knee. He moves up to one knee as Avalon charges at him, only for Tsonda to feint and drop, grabbing the middle rope and sending Avalon crashing to the outside.
Nick Stuart: Avalon crashes hard to the outside, grabbing his arm, which he landed on.
Richard Parker: Avalon saw the end in sight and made his own mistake.
Nick Stuart: That he did, but Tsonda is in a world of pain in the ring. His ability to contort his body into a pretzel-like he did to get out of the half Boston Crab was impressive.
Richard Parker: Like I said, he must be a master in the bedroom.
Nick Stuart: …gross.
Tsonda massages his left knee as he tries to return to his feet while Coral climbs back into the ring, grabbing his right arm. Chandler rushes at Coral and slams his forearm into the face of Avalon. The shot dazes Avalon enough for Chandler to grab Coral and signal for the Runway Vault. As he begins, though, Jiles hops onto the ring apron and yells at Tsonda
“HEY, CHANDIE, YOU GOT A GRAY HAIR, YOU OLD FUCK!”
It is enough to slow him down as Jiles hops off the ring apron, seeing Paxton charging for him. Dean steps in front of Paxton, offering him a piece of Nashville Hot Chicken, licking sauce off of his own fingers. Jiles pushes Dean into Paxton, with Bobby putting his greasy fingers on the finest article of Paxton Ray’s wardrobe: his white wifebeater. Paxton slams his forearm across the jaw of Bobby Dean, sending him crashing to the mat. He stands over him, yelling,
“YOU GOT GREASE ON MY MOST EXPENSIVE WIFEBEATER!”
Nick Stuart: And the eGG Bandits and Paxton Ray may have changed the course of this match.
Richard Parker: Cancer Jiles definitely did. And poor Bobby Dean! He was just trying to be nice to Paxton. Such a shame. I told you, you can’t trust that Paxton Ray.
Nick Stuart: All of this is Cancer Jiles’s fault.
Richard Parker: Sin existing in the world is Cancer Jiles’s fault. Everything else is just assumed.
With the distraction locked in, Avalon slams his knee into the back of Tsonda’s skull, sending the Model Citizen (who wishes he had a mirror to confirm if said gray hair existed) crashing into the corner chest-first. Avalon hoists Tsonda onto the second turnbuckle. Chandler is slumped over, and Avalon runs to the opposite corner. He then rushes at Tsonda before threading the Yakuza kick through the legs and to the face of the NDL Champion. Tsonda collapses backward as Avalon hooks both legs.
ONE!
…
…
TWO!
…
…
THREE!
DING DING DING
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: That distraction proved costly for Chandler Tsonda as Coral Avalon could come in and hit the Rhongomyniad on Tsonda to finally put him away.
Richard Parker: Bobby Dean isn’t moving. Cancer Jiles is still alive. Tsonda is down. You can’t win them all, I guess.
Nick Stuart: Coral Avalon is going on to the next round and could face off against Cancer Jiles in the finals.
Richard Parker: I couldn’t imagine how Jiles would take it if he lost and Avalon moved on. That would be… oof.
Avalon exits the ring with Jiles in tow. A forklift emerges from the backstage area to help pick up an unconscious Bobby Dean while Paxton Ray stands there, hands on hips, looking at a disappointed Chandler Tsonda, who is sitting up and looking confused as to what happened.
Nick Stuart: And Avalon has earned a shot in the future for the Numbers Don’t Lie Championship. We could see these two go at it again in the near future.
Richard Parker: I imagine Tsonda will want a cage to keep the eGG Bandits out.
Nick Stuart: That would probably be a given. Let’s go to commercial.
And we do just that.