CHANDLER TSONDA VS. CORAL AVALON
“I said, ‘kiss me. You’re beautiful.’ These are truly the last days.”
Godspeed You! Black Emperor’s sparse vocal intro gives way to the familiar guitar riffs of Coheed and Cambria, “Welcome Home.” Acoustic gives way to electric.
FFFFFFTTTTTTTT
After the pyro subsides, it’s him, the Model Citizen. Chandler Tsonda enters into his jog towards the ring, looking over his shoulder.
Nick Stuart: Chandler Tsonda looks like he’s trying to look forward and behind at the same time.
Richard Parker: Well, he did pay the guy to appear here. It seems what’s good for the goose is good for the… other goose.
Nick Stuart: Goddammit Richard.
Tsonda slides into the ring underneath the bottom rope and pops to his feet.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from San Diego, California by way of Hanoi, Vietnam, he’s a former Universal Champion and the Model Citizen, Chandler… TSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNDAAAAAAAA!!
Darkness falls within the Baltimore Arena, and smoke begins to fill the stage.
It doesn’t take long for Monster Siren’s “Real Me” to hit the PA system. Light floods the stage from the back, casting a man and his heavy fur cloak (in this heat!?) in shadow. When the guitars kick up, he steps forward and marches his way to the ring through the smoke and the light.
The Crownless King, once again truly crownless, has arrived in Baltimore.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, hailing from Seattle, Washington, he is the Crownless King and a former Five Star Champion… CORAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL AVALOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
Coral Avalon marches down to the ring, carrying his battle standard with him. The standard, whose flag depicts the Crownless Kingdom’s logo of a skull with a broken crown on it, flutters in the air as Avalon makes his way down the aisle.
Nick Stuart: This is going to be a good one, folks. Coral Avalon against Chandler Tsonda. Maybe one of the best in the world today against arguably the best in the world in PRIME’s past.
Richard Parker: I don’t really care about this match, but I really want to know what Tsonda’s skin care routine is, because holy crap… that man is not almost fifty.
Nick Stuart: Why do you need to know these things?
Richard Parker: Look, maybe I want to make a new me. A newer, more improved Richard Parker! With 20% more firepower!
Nick Stuart: Why do you need firepower!?
As Nick asks this question, Avalon makes his way into the ring, setting his standard on a lean next to the ring post. He enters the ring and makes his handsign for the hard camera – both fists together, pinkies and rings out. With that done, Avalon moves to his corner to pull his cloak off and prepare for action.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
DING DING DING
Coral and Tsonda circle each other, neither one really willing to make the first move. Avalon moves gingerly, his ribs still a bit tender, but his patience is paper thin given the events of the last year to date thus far. His annoyance level at Tsonda grows with each time he withdraws and circles.
Nick Stuart: The Model Citizen not really in the mood to get things started here. I’m thinking this might be strategy to get inside the head of Coral Avalon.
Richard Parker: Well, Nick, there’s a LOT of real estate up there. He’d be able to stretch his feet out and everything.
Nick Stuart: Do we need to get Doug back up here to keep you from making these cracks at Coral’s head?
Richard Parker: *gulp*
Coral snorts through his nose and makes a hard stab at a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Chandler, on legs as spry as a man half his age, spins around the lunge and rolls Avalon up…
ONE!
TWO!
It’s a much deeper two count than anything that should happen to Coral Avalon in a match this early.
Nick Stuart: Avalon almost got caught there. And he’s getting up holding his torso and sides.
Richard Parker: He does too much! I mean, Japan, a wrestling school, wrestling here, and whatever other things he has going on in that head of his, which has to be a lot given the size…
Coral indeed is holding his midsection, gingerly rising and turning only to see Tsonda catch him with an inside cradle…
ONE!
TWO!
But the former Five Star Champion kicks out again. He’s still ginger upon getting up, but he’s wise to the former Universal Champion’s game. As Tsonda reaches in, Coral blocks whatever move it is he’s trying to wrangle him in, winds his head up, and…
CRACK!
Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD! Did you see that headbutt from Coral Avalon!?
Richard Parker: I’m calling the Baltimore Police. That’s assault with a deadly weapon.
Coral shakes off the cobwebs of his own recoil before moving in to follow up on his initial assault. Tsonda is freaking out because of damage to his moneymaker, but he has no time to take respite as Coral charges in with a huge European uppercut. Tsonda recoils back, but Avalon almost instinctively charges in with another, and then a third. Tsonda falls to the mat, which gives Avalon the opening to lock in a bulldog choke.
Nick Stuart: Coral Avalon grounding Chandler Tsonda. Smart to keep the faster man on his back and belly.
Richard Parker: Would you say that Coral is really… using his noggin here? Enh! Enh!
Nick Stuart: Honestly, Richard, I’m shocked that of the two of us, I’M the one who’s gotten physically accosted by a wrestler so far and not you.
Coral cranks back, causing Chandler to wriggle and struggle to find some kind of break, a counter or at least respite in the ropes. HIs lanky leg reaches the bottom rope, causing Ashley Barlow to call for the break. Coral lets go immediately and then waits for Chandler to get his wits about him. He lines up his shot and…
Nick Stuart: Knee to the head! Coral Avalon is making sure Chandler Tsonda doesn’t get his wits about him here so he can’t fly around the ring.
Richard Parker: For his sake, I hope Tsonda does get a comeback going. Can’t let this success get to Coral’s… head.
Nick Stuart: For the love of God, Richard.
Richard Parker: Hoyt, Nick. For the love of Hoyt.
Avalon follows up his knee trembler with a triangle choke. Tsonda flails to escape, but Avalon wrenches harder. With one last push, Tsonda gets his leg onto the rope. Avalon breaks again, this time with visible frustration. He beckons for the Model Citizen to get up, waiting until he staggers to his feet…
Nick Stuart: Rhongomyniad… NO! Avalon missed and he’s got his leg tangled up in the top rope!
Richard Parker: And just as Coral Avalon was getting a… head of steam.
Nick Stuart: *groans*
Tsonda follows up immediately with a lungblower and pops to his feet as Coral rolls in the canvas already clutching his midsection. The former Universal Champion wastes no time, bounding the ropes, springboarding, turning 180 degrees, and landing a leg drop right across Avalon’s gut. As the Crownless King curls up at the belly, Tsonda leaps around and wrangles him up with a jackknife pin…
ONE!
TWO!
Avalon kicks out barely, holding his ribs and writhing on the canvas. Tsonda pops up and rotates his fingers around an invisible axis. He hops up on the second rope, waiting for Avalon to stagger to his feet. Coral turns around and…
Nick Stuart: OH MY! Chandler Tsonda with the leg lariat off the second rope!
Richard Parker: Wait a second, if Tsonda is in the ring, who’s that out in the crowd?
Unbeknownst to either Tsonda or Avalon in the ring, Doppeltsonda is making his way through the crowd. Chandler follows up his big move off the ropes by dragging Avalon to his feet and whipping him off the ropes. Tsonda charges back off the opposite rope and on the rebound stops Avalon dead in his tracks with another leg lariat. He follows up with a cover…
ONE!
TWO!
Coral kicks out, again gasping for air. Tsonda slams the mat, thinking of how he can soften up Avalon’s midsection and keep him from kicking out due to radiating pain in his back, ribs, and abs. He drags the King to his feet and whips him into the corner before signaling to the crowd.
Nick Stuart: Tsonda setting up for the Runway Vault. I think he smells blood in the water.
Richard Parker: Well, as long as he doesn’t notice Doppeltsonda like that poor woman whose popcorn he just stole.
As Doppeltsonda chews LOUDLY on the popcorn, the genuine article hits the Runway Vault before popping back up to the top rope to go for the Model Citizen moonsault. However, as soon as he reaches the top, he notices him.
Nick Stuart: Uh oh, I think Tsonda just saw who was in the crowd.
Doppeltsonda stands up and hops the guard barrier. Security does not stop him because he technically is allowed to be there. Taking advantage of his diplomatic immunity, the fake Model Citizen moseys on over to the timekeeper’s table. The time spent eye-fighting his former hired ward gives Coral enough recovery that hits the top rope with the Rhongomyniad, causing Tsonda to topple to the canvas.
Nick Stuart: You can’t give a ring general like Coral Avalon that much time to recover, Richard.
Richard Parker: Especially not with all that computing power in his brain. Due to the large head.
Nick Stuart: The horse died five minutes ago, Rich. Now you’re in danger of turning him into dust.
Richard Parker: Don’t joke about that. My cousin got hooked on horse dust once.
Nick Stuart: What I… You know what, I don’t even wanna know.
The King alternates between wincing at his gut and steel focus at putting Tsonda away. He picks up a still reeling Tsonda and whips him off the ropes. On the rebound, he rotates the Model Citizen using his own momentum, and crashes him onto his knee with a sickening thud.
Nick Stuart: Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Avalon going back to his bread and butter.
Richard Parker: God, I wish I had some bread and butter right now. Bobby Dean got to me before I…
BZZT
Nick Stuart: How did that happen? You’re not even wearing the shock collar this time!
Richard Parker: I… I don’t know.
Rather than going for a pin, Coral drops a couple of standing knees on Chand’s gut and then picks him up and throws him into the corner, face first. Coral gives the “touch em all” signal with his right hand before locking his arms around Tsonda’s waist. German suplex with a bridge.
ONE!
TWO!
But Tsonda kicks out quickly after two, as Coral’s bridge isn’t as strong thanks to the punishment Chand has put on his midsection so far. Coral gets up gingerly, carried by the momentum of his adrenaline, and gets back to work with an ankle lock.
Nick Stuart: Coral Avalon going to work on that ankle now. My guess is he’s trying to take away that Model Citizen moonsault.
Richard Parker: I would make a crack about brainpower or whatever, but I’m afraid after that zap.
Rather than reach for the ropes. Tsonda positions his body and in a sudden motion torques around, whipping Avalon over his head. Avalon goes flying, but has his wits about him enough to tumble forward and pop to his feet. He sees Tsonda charging towards him with a spinning heel kick, but…
Nick Stuart: Avalon caught him! He caught the Model Citizen! INVERTED CRADLE SUPLEX!
Richard Parker: Okay, I can’t even think of a snide comment about his bulbous head there, that was a snazzy counter.
Avalon gets up and picks up Tsonda, positioning his head underneath the Citizen’s chest. With a snap, he drives the former Champ down on his head.
Nick Stuart: CAMELOT’S TURNTABLE! Coral Avalon is looking to finish this match!
Richard Parker: Good, maybe he’ll be able to rest that massive head on his shoulders after having it upright all this time.
Nick Stuart: You know Rich, that one was just lazy.
Richard Parker: I am shame.
Avalon ascends to the top. It’s Carnwennan time as he leaps aiming the bottoms of his boots to Tsonda’s chest area.
Except the Model Citizen has enough juice left to roll out of the way, causing the Crownless King to stamp the mat, using his momentum to roll forward and defuse the impact on his knees. As Avalon gets up…
Nick Stuart: John Woo! Shotgun dropkick from Tsonda! Coral reeling into the corner!
Richard Parker: Why do they call it the John Woo anyway?
Nick Stuart: Do you know who John Woo is?
Richard Parker: Uh, does he wrestle for Bang!?
Tsonda positions Avalon on the turnbuckle facing the crowd and locks both arms behind him. He flips back…
Nick Stuart: GUERILLA PLEX ‘69!
Richard Parker: Nice.
Rather than go for the pin, Tsonda spies Avalon in the middle of the ring and makes his move.
Nick Stuart: Breathtaker! Chandler Tsonda is going to try to gas out the former Five Star Champion!
Richard Parker: I’m just impressed he can lock it in and get those arms around that giant head!
Nick Stuart: What am I going to do with you?
Tsonda has the hold locked in with the hooks in the middle of the ring, but as soon as he gets the hold cinched in, his doppelganger hops from the timekeeper’s table and starts pounding on the apron. Before Barlow can check Coral for consciousness the first time, Chandler breaks the hold.
Richard Parker: What’s Tsonda doing!?!?! He had that hold in the middle of the ring!
Nick Stuart: Richard, I think it has something to do with the guy harassing him on the outside of the ring?
Richard Parker: Need I remind you who brought him here in the first place?
Tsonda heads over to where Doppeltsonda is on the outside. The stunt double throws up his arms in faux-surrender, pretending like he’s done nothing wrong while the Model Citizen yells at Barlow to have him ejected. In the fracas, Coral has caught his breath and is sizing up Chandler from behind. He leaps in.
Nick Stuart: Roll-up! Coral Avalon has caught Chandler Tsonda napping again!
ONE!
TWO!
Tsonda kicks out and jumps to his feet. He charges in at Avalon wildly, but the King dips behind him and attempts another German suplex. Tsonda lands on his feet and jumps on Avalon’s back. Victory Roll!
ONE!
TWO!
But Avalon reverses it!
ONE!
TWO!
Tsonda kicks out and gets to his feet, sweeping out Avalon’s heel behind him before he can get up, then tries another jackknife…
ONE!
TWO!
Avalon, with all the rest of his core strength, tries to push up out of it to attempt the twist into a backslide, but he falters, collapsing to the mat. Tsonda takes the opportunity to hook in the mouse trap…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
DING DING DING!
Vince Howard: Your winner, by pinfall, Chandler… TSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNDAAAAAAAAAA!
Nick Stuart: HUGE win for Chandler Tsonda here. The former Universal Champion from the ReVolution era might finally be getting back on track.
Richard Parker: I think Coral just had too big of a head tonight.
Nick Stuart: You know what, Rich I… hey wait a second, Doppeltsonda is getting in the ring?!
The stunt double tries to climb through the ropes, but a spent Tsonda uses the last of his energy to lunge at him. It’s enough to get the double off the apron but he stands there defiantly. Tsonda says to himself, “ah fuck it,” and charges after his double on fumes. Doppeltsonda turns tail and escapes through the crowd.
Nick Stuart: So strange! What could this doppelganger want from Chandler Tsonda?
Richard Parker: I don’t know, but either way, Tsonda was able to overcome it.
As Doppeltsonda runs off, the real one turns back around at Coral Avalon, now to his feet and still holding his side. He offers a hand to Coral, who waits a beat before accepting it. As the crowd “RAAAHH”s its approval at the handshake, the scene cuts to a commercial.