CHEESE POPCORN, DADDY LESSONS AND DUSTY ROADS
We’re back to ringside.
Nick Stuart: My understanding is we were supposed to go to the ring for an interview with Hoyt Williams but apparently, he is refusing to leave his presidential suite.
Richard Parker: No matter if he comes out or not, tonight Hoyt saves us all!!!
Nick Stuart: How so?
Richard Parker: I’m glad you asked Nick, by using the promo code “HoytSaves” on your next order at Manscaped.com! By entering the code, save 30% on the Lawn Mower 4.0. Trim your garden of Eden so you can see that snake coming. Tonight only!
Nick Stuart: I understand we have cameras on the suite of Hoyt Williams. Let’s go there now.
Inside Hoyt Williams presidential suite the savior is seen arguing with a producer as the rest of Imperium (Burro, Brother Privilege, and brother Hypocrisy) are seated behind him. Burro is near an old TV with a VCR and is enjoying O-Ke-Doke popcorn.
Hoyt Williams: Look buddy I’m not going to the ring. Have you not seen what is going on around here? A banshee Bolshevik and mustached gigolo are tussling around like it’s an 80’s Prince music video. I’m not risking getting hurt, before my debut. Plus, it’s Texas and these sinners are gross. Like everything is bigger in Texas, including their grossness.
Brother Privilege: Our Pontiff has institutional legacy here in PRIME and should NOT have to be randomly entered into the Battle Royal, he should be last. The fact LOSERS from the night before are getting to enter the battle royal at the end is offensive.
Hoyt Williams: Preach on my brother Privilege!!
Brother Privilege: This federation is a mad house, and we filed an injunction to hold off Culture Shock until we can get a fair shake in court about entering last. Mr. Williams here, being a man of the people and a savior, asked me to not go through with it so you can thank him for Culture Shock.
Producer: So, is he coming to the ring or not?
Brother Hypocrisy cracks his knuckles at the producer’s attitude.
Brother Privilege: Not. Again, you have unsanctioned violence perpetuating the hallways. This is a toxic work environment. Not to mention the statue situation.
Producer: Yea it wouldn’t fit through the loading door.
Brother Privilege: This man. This great man. Hoyt Williams has a life-sized re-creation of the Redeemer statue of Jesus from Rio De Janeiro, reconfigured in Hoyt’s image, and has it delivered right here in TEXAS, to culture the uncultured, giving them, a spiritual shock, and you can’t get it through the door? Outrageous. You know what Lindsey Troy’s assistant told me when I called asking about this religious oppression?
Hoyt Williams: Tell him!
Brother Privilege: Mrs. Troy can’t be assed right now.
Hoyt Williams: Don’t skip the best part of how she said it!
Joe Burro is still eating from a big bag of O-Ke-Doke cheese popcorn and is munching away listening to the story intently.
Brother Privilege: She pronounced “assed” “Arsed” like a British person even though she clearly isn’t British.
Hoyt Williams: That’s cultural appropriation. Disgusting.
Brother Privilege: We will show our video right here from this VCR. No need to risk getting involved in tonight’s shit show. Brother Burro hit play!
Hoyt Williams: Stick around buddy you’re going to love this we got Martin Sheen to narrate it.
The homely stylist of Hoyt Williams leans forward and hit’s the play button on the old school VCR. A yellow greasy cheese popcorn stain is left on the button. Hoyt looks at in disgust but says nothing as the video starts.
Narrator: The world needed a hero. A second coming. A third serving. On July 4th, 1981, the world’s prayers were answered when Sadie Williams gave birth to Hoyton Elwood Williams. Fireworks exploded and dazzled the skies in celebration of his arrival. From coast to coast, boarder to boarder all through the American landscape people rejoiced. To this day the 4th of July, Hoyt’s birthday is a national holiday celebrated with community firework shows, mattress sales, and corn on the cob.
An American flag waves and fireworks explode as a fella from Indiana eats grilled corn on the cob.
Narrator: Hoyt’s earthly father was a drunkard carpenter wrestler by the name of “The Malice Man” Duke Williams. Duke often brought his son to wrestling shows exposing him to the business from an early age.
Photos of a young Hoyt Williams hanging out with various giant relics from wrestling’s past flash across the screen. A montage of greats. The camera cuts to an elderly Duke Williams.
Duke Williams: I was a pretty good wrestler. PCW world champion. I did a lot of great things but really, I had but one dream hoss, and one dream only. Win the Culture Shock battle royal and go on to win the Universal Title. Ever since I was a child, this is what I wanted.
Footage of Duke William’s career is mixed in with training footage of a 20 something Hoyt Williams with short hair and wide eyes.
Narrator: A father’s dream, fallen short.
A sad piano plays a somber melody.
Duke Williams: Buckaroo’s I was a hardworking man and at the end of the day they gave me a watch and told me good luck. My body gave out, with my dreams never realized, as in my 50’s I retired never winning the Culture Shock battle royal.
Narrator: Duke went on to a great broadcasting career as a long time color commentator. Recently the sad news was shared to all, as Duke Williams was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
A promo of a young Malice Man tipping his Stetson cowboy hat with the dead flamingo wrapped around its bill plays freezing at the end and fading grey.
Narrator: After finding out of his father’s illness Hoyt Williams realized that now was the time to seize his father’s dream in his honor. Despite being a former Universal Champion.
Photos of Hoyt with the title are shown.
Narrator: Despite being the longest reigning champion in wrestling’s history, as God’s current champion Hoyt Williams knew what he had to do.
“Your Personal Jesus” Hoyt Williams is seen sitting on a bar stool in the center of a stage with about 151 American flags waving behind him with a tear in his eye.
Hoyt Williams: I was happily retired as a best selling author, flex seal spokesman, actor, religious icon, God, and one hell of a great lay. I was happy. But when my earthly father got sick I knew I had to realize his dream. I knew I had to return to PRIME, save the ACE network, and fulfill my father’s prophecy of a Williams winning the Culture Shock Battle Royal going on to win the Universal Title. This was his dream for over 40 years!
The wrestlers’ big blue eyes fill up with tears.
Hoyt Williams: I’m sorry, can we stop?
The Savior puts his hand up to the camera as he breaks down crying. The camera cuts black for a moment and then clearly returns after Hoyt recomposes, yet still has red eyes.
Hoyt Williams: I must do this for good ole Duke Williams. For Dad. It was his dream and now its mine. Arlington Texas, April 8th, Culture Shock 2023. I will do the William’s family right. I will do the PRIME fans right. I will crucify and save the entire roster to get there. I will do what ever needs to be done in honor of my father to win that battle royal. So, mote it be!
Narrator: For God, country, and family. A father’s dream will be answered by a savior of a son. Dreams can come true, and PRIME is the place. April 8th at Culture Shock…. Duke’s Divine Destiny will become a reality.
The video ends.
Richard Parker: A second generation wrestler and one hell of an American. He is my hero!! My savior!! After watching that, Hoyt MUST win it all!
Nick Stuart: How was this Duke’s dream 40 years ago when PRIME wasn’t even founded yet?
Richard Parker: A prophecy Stuart, pay attention!
We then cut backstage.