CHETTER OFF DEAD

We start in the Fighting For Nora locker room, where Shweta Kallemullah looks around, worried.

Shweta Kallemullah: Where did he go?

Jonathan Rhine: Who?

Shweta Kallemullah: Chet.

Jonathan Rhine and Paxton Ray at each other and shake their heads.

Paxton Ray: Jesus Christ.

Jonathan Rhine: You brought him to the show? And then you lost him?

Shweta Kallemullah: Of course I brought him to the show. This is a huge match for you and for the Foundation. Everyone should be here to celebrate. And I didn’t lose him – he’s an adult, not a puppy.

Paxton Ray: Woulda been better off bringin’ a puppy, at least it’s cute when they sniff your crotch.

Shweta rolls her eyes as Jonathan quickly offers a fist to Paxton to tap.

Shweta Kallemullah: Oh, this is what gets you guys to bond? Dunking on my boyfriend? If I knew that I would’ve dated him months ago. Maybe that would’ve saved you from beating the shit out of each other.

Jonathan Rhine: First of all, Paxton beat the shit out of me. I didn’t fight back.

Paxton Ray: Ya tried to.

Jonathan Rhine: Second of all, if you would’ve dated Chet earlier we probably never would’ve gotten here because he would have ruined it somehow. He would’ve been one of the chefs in the food challenge and would’ve created a lasagna so awful we would’ve quit.

Paxton Ray: I bet he puts cheddar cheese in his lasagna.

Jonathan Rhine: I bet he puts cheddar cheese in his cereal.

Paxton Ray: I bet he calls it CHETar cheese.

Jonathan Rhine: Oh God, I bet he does.

Shweta pounds her fist on the table.

Shweta Kallemullah: Stop it! Guys, tonight you are main eventing a PRIME supershow. You have the opportunity to be the first tag team champions in the ReVival era. You should be focusing on the task at hand.

Jonathan Rhine: Sorry, Shway, but Chet is the worst. Full stop. No one is worse. There are billions of people in the world, and you picked the literal worst person alive to date. That has nothing to do with tonight. We’re ready. Trust me.

Suddenly there is a loud knock on the door, followed by a scream of pain. The door opens and Chet Fleetwood enters. Even though this is his first time on PRIME television and no one knows him, everyone boos. He’s that awful. 

He’s holding his fist and his face is in visible agony. Shweta rushes to him as Paxton and Jon look at each other.

Shweta Kallemullah: Chet, what happened?

Chet Fleetwood: You work for a maniac, that’s what happened!

Shweta Kallemullah: Lindsay Troy did this to you?

Chet Fleetwood: Yep, and you better believe I’m suing. Can’t have a business run by someone who breaks your hand if you ask a simple question.

Shweta nods slowly.

Shweta Kallemullah: What question did you ask her?

Chet shrugs and nonchalantly answers.

Chet Fleetwood: I asked her if she thought me having sex with her tall ass would be like fucking a giraffe.

Jonathan Rhine does a decent job of hiding his chuckle by looking down and covering his face. Paxton Ray, however, does not.

Paxton Ray: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

As Shweta tries to control her anger, Paxton walks forward and slaps Chet on the shoulder.

Paxton Ray: Maybe we was wrong. You’re funny at least.

Paxton looks over at Jon. 

Paxton Ray: Gotta go talk to somebody. I’ll see ya later.

As Paxton leaves, Jonathan stares at Shweta and her erstwhile boyfriend, waiting for the reaction. Instead, Shweta calmly turns to Jonathan.

Shweta Kallemullah: Jonathan, can you please escort Chet to Wade Elliott’s office? I have decided he is no longer my guest and he’ll have to leave the backstage area.

Chet Fleetwood: What! You can’t kick me out! I’m injured and need assistance!

Shweta Kallemullah: Wade can help with that too. Just let him know what you asked Lindsay. He’ll take really good care of you.

Without speaking, Jonathan grabs Chet by the bad hand and leads him out of the room, sending a smile back to Shweta as he does so. She doesn’t return it as she waits for the door to close to react: she screams, then shakes her head, then grabs a stress ball on the desk and starts squeezing.

Shweta Kallemullah: God, he really is the worst. 

After a moment, she shakes her head again.

Shweta Kallemullah: She’s only three inches taller than me!