The funky grooves of “Say Your Prayers (live)” by Neil Francis blasts through the darkly lit area. White and purple spotlights sweep over the crowd. Strippers dressed like angels dance to the music inside the ring. A royal purple rug covers the canvas with the Williams family flying =W= crest pressed upon it in gold. Large slabs of stained glass windows about the dimensions of a standard door stand up against each of the four ring posts. A plump black man in a tight suit, dripping sweat and dapping his head with a golden handkerchief, stands in front of a golden lectern raised above two wooden pews on either side at ring level facing the hard camera.
Reverend Nathaniel Clay: Sinners, Listen up. I said SINNERS listen UP. Salvation HA! is upon us HAAAA. THE LAWD HAS HEARD YOUR CALLINGS. Your PERSONAL Jesusssssssssss. The Heavenly Hall of Famer. THE PONTIFF OF THE PILEDRIVVVVVAAA The swami of the sue-play! The miracle of the microphone. The HA! The ratings HA! revivaler. The Host of this here Conversational Confessionals, my savior and your yours… HOYYYYYYYYT HAAAA BYGAWD WILLIAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Richard Parker: Praise Hoyt! He has returned!!!
The right reverend Clay throws his hands to the sky as the ring posts start pouring out bright white sparklers. Above him, being lowered down wearing Angel Wings, is Hoyt Williams. The Pontiff of PRIME is wearing a sparklingly black Richard Jewels (of Manchester & Stuart Hughes of Liverpool) cashmere suit made of the finest wool, silk, and best cut pure diamonds. Paired nicely with white unicorn skin boat shoes, matching his Hermes Jeu Du Fer tie and universal title cufflinks.
The crowd is clapping along to the music and enjoying the spectacle. Once Hoyt touches down he shares a hug with Reverend Clay as the dancing angels gavotte over to the Savior and quickly unhook the wings and harness. Hoyt does a few Jumping Jacks for Jesus while the girls and the reverend exit the ring, the smoke clears, and the house lights turn on.
Hoyt Williams: Zechariah 1:3 “Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD ALmighty says: ‘return to me’, and I will return to you,’ says the lord ALmighty.” Why have I returned, you may ask?? Because wrestling is too violent and I want to bring peace between combatants and give them salvation instead of the devil’s brawl. To give them a place to talk things out under the guidance of my celestial wisdom. TONIGHT we cleanse the soul of one angry young man. HE whom was REJECTED by all wrestling schools, only to receive guidance from his FATHER’S poorly YELPED grappling academy. A truly distasteful young man with the personality of Joe Montana. So now without further rebuke, your savior summons from the vile state of Indiana…“Naughty” Nate Colton.
“Tryin’” by the Eagles blasts through the arena, and while there’s still a contingent of supporters, the boos seem to be growing louder with every show. Nate Colton steps out in front of the crowd a moment later, looking none too excited to be there himself. He’s dressed in simple attire; a PRIME polo shirt, blue jeans, etc. Due to the results of the last show, he’s not carrying the Five Star Title, but there’s another accessory even more conspicuous by its absence.
Nick Stuart: I can’t help but notice that Nate hasn’t worn his ring jacket lately. That can’t be a good sign for his mental state.
Richard Parker: It’s a good sign for the rest of his family. Maybe they wised up and kicked him out.
Nick Stuart: I seriously doubt that, Richard.
Hoyt motions over to the wrestler to take a set in the pew, which Nate does. He looks kinda strange, lounging back alone in a church pew.
Hoyt Williams: I love bestowing advice upon the younger generation. Perhaps next time you talk with your SAVIOR and a wrestling legend like myself you should dress up nicer. People notice. I don’t know if you know this, but Heaven has a very strict dress code. We don’t want poor, tired, or sickly people getting in. We’re heaven, not America.
Nate obviously doesn’t agree, but Hoyt steamrolls right over him before he can respond. Probably for the best; the middle of the ring is not the place for a theological debate.
Hoyt Williams: I’ve noticed lately that these wrestling sodomites in the crowd have begun to sour on you. I too, being a second generation MEGA star have experienced the Judas and Peter effect from these horrible humans. Is your fandom sinking, and how does that make you feel?
Nate Colton: Doesn’t feel good. But after the last couple of months, I can’t say I blame ‘em. I’m not a big fan of Nate Colton either.
Hoyt Williams: Me neither. Your behavior has been absolutely sinful as of late. Devil Dancing with numerous harlots, spreading slanderous rumors about your fellow man, harassing PRIME employees, well that part is perfectly fine…and let’s not forget your threat to “show hog.” I assume that’s some kinda foul euphemism best kept with the abhorrence that is Jabber.
Nate starts blushing the moment Hoyt starts listing his sins…and with every new transgression, his face turns a brighter shade of crimson.
Hoyt Williams: If I was Montell Williams and not Hoyt Williams I’d probably be revealing a paternity test right about now from one of your floozies. Has the devil overtaken you in some spiritual orgy of evil? Defend yourself young man!
Nate Colton: I…
He falters for a moment. The crowd, sensing his weakness, boo him even harder.
Buck up, kid. This is what you came out here for.
Nate Colton: I can’t. I screwed up so much, and everything I did to fix it just made it worse. Especially bringing in Savannah Scandal–
Nate Colton: I had a reason for that, I was trying…ah, hell. Doesn’t really matter now, does it? I knew I’d get a lot of heat, and I thought I could take it…but…look, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, right? ‘Cause I brought this on myself.
Richard Parker: Don’t worry, Nate. Nobody was.
Nick Stuart: Shh.
Nate Colton: But if this ain’t rock bottom, I can probably spit on it from here. I just feel…useless. And alone.
The audience gives an “awwwww” of sympathy. Maybe they even mean it…but probably not.
Hoyt Williams: Maybe you should try accepting the LORD in your life. I’ll give you one of my brochures to join in my salvation that you can look over after the show. But first…you’re not alone! Let’s bring out the best–well, only–friends you’ve got! THE SAVIOR is here to SAVE YOU! Bring out the disciples of love!
Nick Stuart: We don’t need this right now!
The slow and emotional instrumental beat of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” begins, as the video board also activates. PRETTY PINK© hearts BURST across the screen as Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher Hall slow dance in the background, superimposed. Hoyt pops in a set of earplugs.
The crowd was booing before but now they are merciless.
Richard Parker: While I’m all for this, how can Vickie and co. come out here and dilute the divine teachings of HOYT?!
Nick Stuart: I agree…but he invited them out here, Richard. Are you questioning Hoyt’s wisdom?
Richard Parker: I…but the…SHUT UP! Don’t try to deceive me, you dirty deceiving…deceiver!
Once Steven Tyler’s voice starts singing over the PA, Vickie Hall pops onto the stage from behind the curtain, sporting the cutest little PRETTY PINK© onesie, complete with white leggings and We’re Not in Kansas Anymore sparkling slippers, albeit in her favorite color.
Nick Stuart: The worst fashion sense.
Richard Parker: Hey, she’s got branding down.
The crowd continues to jeer as Vickie giggles and thanks the crowd for the warm welcome, totally oblivious to their actual response. Meanwhile, Hoyt and Colton simply watch inside the ring. Colton has a look on his face suggesting additional worry.
Jonathan-Christopher is out next. He looks more confident than normal as he marches up beside his Amazing Life Partner, snatches her by the waist and they tango to the dreamy theme song. Finally, cousin to JCH, Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy emerges. He’s holding a knitted PRETTY PINK© handbasket. He realizes he’s off-cue so he races ahead of the adorable couple and starts spreading tiny little flower petals all over the rampway, leading the way for Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher like a fairy spreading wonderful and majestic pixie dust.
Nick Stuart: I’m going to be sick. Can someone shut these guys out already?
Richard Parker: Shut them out!? Jonathan-Christopher is on THE RUN OF HIS LIFE right now!
Nick Stuart: I enjoyed them a lot better when he was losing.
While the announcers bicker, the reality is they are taking up air time because Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher are arm-in-arm, gracefully taking forEVERRRRR to make their way down to ringside. By now, Hoyt stares at his Slim d’Hermès Quantieme Perpetuel watch and while Colton has his eyes directed towards the trio, he’s likely spaced out.
Running out of flower petals to toss in various directions, Tristan-Crispin leaps onto the ring apron. Jonathan-Christopher lets go of his ALP upon arrival as well. TCG and JCH open the ropes for Vickie, as she roams freely in love up the stage, a dainty little gallup until she reaches the apron, wanders over to the open ropes and easily slips inside. Jonathan-Christopher drops the ropes immediately after, leaps over the top rope and takes Vickie’s right hand.
Their theme music comes to a thankful close.
LOUDER boos build up. Vickie allows the moment to continue. Clearly by her facial expressions she thinks they are cheering her.
Hoyt Williams: It really is a sin to have an entrance longer than mine.
Unphased, Vickie reaches forward and plucks the mic out of Hoyt’s lectern microphone stand. He silently smites her with a biblical curse.
Vickie Hall: HELLO WORLD!
Vickie Hall: Now that’s no way to greet Nate Colton!
Nick Stuart: She… she thinks they’re booing Colton?
Richard Parker: Well, they were!
Nick Stuart: Okay, but he wasn’t getting heat like this. This is for Vickie!
It’s more than obvious The Woman of Wonder isn’t grasping any of it. After taking in the crowd response, Vickie narrows her eyes…
With no thought to personal spaces and ignoring Hoyt’s cue to sit in a pew, Vickie walks right up onto the Pontiffs platform.
Vickie Hall: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
A frantic, over-the-top wave, almost getting right in Hoyt’s face which sours him like he just smelled rotting eggs.
Vickie Hall: I’m Vickie Hall and this…
She motions towards her ALP and his cousin.
Vickie Hall: Is my LOVE CONVOY!
Vickie is overjoyed as Hoyt pulls out a stress ball from his suit jacket and starts squeezing it. Vickie stops to reflect fondly of the group around her.
Vickie Hall: I want to say thank you for inviting us!
The look on Hoyt’s face suggests he’d like to say something… if he had a microphone. Hoyt wasn’t expecting to have his own microphone taken out of the lectern mic holder and for his show completely commandeered. He tries reaching out for the mic but Vickie “inadvertently” pulls away just in time.
Now PRETTY PINK©’s attention has switched…
To Nate Colton.
The crowd grows tense as Vickie tilts her head and squints her eyes.
Vickie Hall: Nate. NATE. NATEEEEEE my adorable newbie friend! Gosh golly, we were heartbroken over your loss two weeks ago!
Nick Stuart: Ummm… Vickie sounds genuine?
Richard Parker: Of course she does! She is not a monster, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Ummm…
Vickie, mic still in hand, twists herself towards the crowd in an attempt to get them to cheer. Some do, mildly. Others continue booing.
Vickie shakes her head. It’s like she’s suddenly caught on to reality.
Vickie Hall: This man, Nate Colton, he has been through a lot. Like A LOT, A LOT. He didn’t mean to invite that floozie Savannah Scandal into the PRIME Wrestling doors! Yeah, she caused many a-problem. Lindsay Troy did the right thing and kicked her out, never to be seen again!
Vickie lowers her head and mumbles the next line.
Vickie Hall: Swear I was this close to choking Savannah out, throwing a monitor at her head and then lunging at my boss, too.
Back to the big girl voice, Vickie acknowledges the fans once again.
Vickie Hall: Nate Colton took Cecilworth to the MAX. Cecil is GOOD. Jonathan-Christopher better hope he’s not booked against Cecilworth! My scouting report says my Amazing Life Partner wouldn’t stand a chance!
Vickie chuckles at her joke, although it takes a hint of confidence out of JCH’s sails as he stands in the background.
Vickie Hall: Back to my main man, Nate The Great. Nate has such a wicked record in PRIME! He is a BOON to the LOVE CONVOY as our newest addition. He is an Edition! He is the Pure Soul Edition! Fights with his heart on his sleeve, ensures every opponent is on his game!
As Vickie rambles on about the positives of Nate Colton, Tristan-Crispin continues to get pumped in the background. Meanwhile, Jonathan-Christopher seems enthused… but also slightly less with every passing second, as Vickie continues to promote Nate.
Vickie Hall: The boy went through a heartbreak! I could only imagine how awful it feels! A wounded warrior, still chugging himself out there for all of YOU to watch! Yes, he’s made mistakes. But I ask you, dear PRIMATES… haven’t we all?
Nick Stuart: What the hell is happening?
Richard Parker: I think Vickie is starting to win some of the crowd over for Nate!
It’s true. There aren’t an overwhelming amount of cheers, but it’s a lot less booing than when Colton first walked into this interview.
Vickie Hall: I’ve forgiven Nate for what he’s done. This, coming from the tiny little girl who once was offended by him.
Vickie hangs her head in shame.
Vickie Hall: Nate…
She walks over to him and places a hand on his shoulder.
Vickie Hall: For that, I am truly sorry.
The crowd is stunned as she raises her head and with an incredible amount of energy, she addresses the masses once more.
Vickie Hall: Nate isn’t “just” Great, he’s… AMAZING!!
Nick Stuart: I… I am dumbfounded.
Most of the crowd cheers as Vickie proudly poses, showing off her incredible effort. Nate Colton also looks thankful, although clearly working through other emotions in his head.
Vickie walks up to Nate once more.
Vickie Hall: Nate The Great, you are never alone now that you’re a part of the LOVE CONVOY. We love you, and we WILL support you throughout your entire Colton Journey!
Richard Parker: Is that Nate’s own ‘Hallmark Journey’?
Again, while Nate Colton looks appreciative of Vickie’s kind words, a worried expression spreads across his face.
Nate Colton: Vickie… why are you saying that? I never said I’d join the Love Convoy.
For the first time in months, something Nate Colton did actually gets a cheer.
Suddenly, a mildly rattled Vickie Hall finds Hoyt’s eyes and tosses her left hand freely in the air. Hoyt rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
Vickie Hall: (off-hand) He is being an awfully silly goose right now.
And Vickie walks DIRECTLY back to Nate Colton.
Vickie Hall: Aren’t you?
Vickie begins to question the “really original” nickname she made up for him.
Vickie Hall: Nate… The… Great?
And yet Nate’s facial expressions haven’t changed, suggesting to Vickie he’s not a silly goose.
Vickie Hall: Nate. You’re good. You’re great! You’re the best one of the group. You can’t leave me like this. Sure, you didn’t defeat Cecil but don’t let one loss derail you! You think Darin Zion can beat anyone? Jesus Shitballs honey, he’s Darin Fucking Zion.
Vickie’s eyes look desperate, while Hoyt is now yelling in the background about blasphemy and foul language. He starts shouting for another microphone to one of the ringside attendants.
Vickie Hall: You think Tristan-Crispin is capable? He retired from wrestling because he can’t throw a god damn hammerlock!
Vickie points to where TCG stands. The Nuzzle Lord is too stupid to realize he’s being slandered. He simply replies by nuzzling himself with a wide, happy-go-lucky smile.
Vickie Hall: My god, Jonathan-Christopher’s had tons of losses and only now does he have momentum. It took FOREVERRRRRR!
Dagger. Heart. JCH.
Vickie continues to be laser focused.
Vickie Hall: You are the best thing to happen to us! Why are you leaving!?
There is tensionnnnnnnn.
It’s almost enough to make Nate balk, but he sets his jaw and pushes forward. After months of confusion and wrong turns, his course is finally clear.
Nate Colton: Let’s get this straight right now, Vickie. I’m not leaving, because I never joined. And I never joined, because you never asked. You just assumed I was on board, because the idea that I might not be never crossed your mind.
Oh dang, a little bit of fire from the Next Diamond. Haven’t seen that in a while. Colton breaks eye contact with the Woman of Wonder as he continues.
Nate Colton: And I might not be real smart when it comes to love–hell, if I was, I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But I do know this. Love doesn’t just mean “do whatever I say.” It means being there for each other. It means support, and respect, and actually listening to what your partner wants.
Vickie Hall: I don’t know what you’re talking about-
Nate Colton: I wasn’t talking to you.
If there’s one thing they love in Detroit, it’s someone telling off Vickie Hall. It barely registers with Colton, though; he’s staring intently at the person who really needs to hear what he just said.
Nate Colton: Jonathan…I appreciate the hospitality you’ve all shown me lately. I think you’ve got a lot of talent, and you’re probably an alright guy. A little strange maybe, but hell. Hardly the weirdest guy in your group.
Nate casts a glance at Tristan-Crispin, who is still oblivious to his surroundings.
Nate Colton: But YOU, Vickie…it’s always been obvious that you’re the brains of this outfit, and you think some really bad stuff. I mean, we all saw what you did to Jared Sykes and Justine Calvin. You might be the craziest person in PRIME, and I can’t believe you’d ever think I’d want to be a part of that. Y’know, maybe that’s why you never actually asked me to join the Love Convoy…because somewhere in that twisted little mind of yours, you still realized that if you did, my answer would be ABSOLUTELY. NOT.
The entire time Nate speaks, Vickie’s face bubbles with anger. It’s almost like she’s suffering from paralysis. Reality: she probably does for a second or two. Anxiety can be crippling, ask Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
Nate Colton: And I-
Vickie slaps the microphone out of Nate’s hand!
At first Vickie stands there, stone faced, no longer bubbling with anger. She is stoic. Deadpan. Staring into the man who just broke the LOVE CONVOY’s heart.
Hoyt doesn’t know what to do but pray.
Neither do the LOVE CONVOY boys.
Until Vickie tilts her head into the rafters.
Vickie Hall: GET HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, Tristan-Crispin breaks out of his nuzzling and is in full KICK ASS MODE. He hits an unsuspecting Nate Colton head-on with a clothesline when Vickie ducks (although she likely didn’t need to because she’s so short). The crowd jeers as Colton crashes to the canvas and Hoyt bolts from the table he was sitting at.
Vickie Hall: GET IT. GET. GET. GET. WORK THAT BODY!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!
Gladhappy is a man possessed, PRIME has never seen him like this before! Drool tumbles down his mouth as he provides the angriest and hardest DOOM STOMPS yet. It’s stuff he never displayed in matches before. Probably never will.
Vickie continues to scream, providing TC with the fuel needed to not take a second off.
Like a woman possessed, as if she was in The Exorcist, Vickie’s head spins around, although her body stays put. She locks eyes with her Amazing Life Partner, Jonathan-Christopher Hall, and insinuates he should join them.
Maybe not should.
He HAS TO join in on the beating!
Vickie Hall: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHHHHHEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOIIIIINNNNGGGG!?
Anxiety crosses Jonathan-Christopher. He’s no longer the confident man he was when he first entered the arena.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: (quietly mouthing to Vickie) Nate was nice…
Vickie immediately crosses her arms. Then she spins her entire body around, stomping towards her man. At first, it looks like JC’s in trouble but once Vickie gets there…
She puts her arm around him. Meanwhile, Hoyt is throwing a temper tantrum to PRIME management at ringside threatening lawsuits.
Vickie points to the direction where Gladhappy keeps stomping the shit out of Colton. Tristan-Crispin leaps on top of Nate and pummels him with punches, all while Nate is trying to cover up… he’s trying to break free…
Vickie Hall: My honey bunch of oats, Nate never liked you. He was the one who said he was better. He told me to pump up his ego tonight. I had no choice, you see…
She brushes a hand across Jonathan-Christopher’s cheek.
Vickie Hall: I know you’re on an incredible roll right now, baby. You are my everything-
Vickie doesn’t even have to finish the sentence. Jonathan-Christopher Hall BOLTS towards the center of the ring and JUST AS Nate Colton fights back and might break free from the beating he’s receiving-
Jonathan-Chirstopher Hall PUNTS Nate square in the side of the head!!
Hoyt is waving his arms frantically trying to calm everybody down to come together and pray with him.
Colton is DOA.
Nick Stuart: Dear god what a shot!
Gladhappy DOOM STOMPS away again with zero quit whatsoever, as Jonathan-Christopher stands over the two of them. At first, he has a look on his face like “what have I done” but then, as Vickie comes up from behind and wraps her arms around him, JC’s facial expression changes.
Hall knows he did the right thing.
Nick Stuart: Nobody is coming to Nate’s aid! Where the hell is security?!
Richard Parker: Can you blame them? Nate deserves EVERYTHING he’s received!
Nick Stuart: Even right now?
Richard Parker: Especially right now!
Gladhappy pulls a broken and unconscious Nate Colton to his feet. TC feeds the limp body to the heels of Vickie Hall as Hoyt considers jumping in to help but is not willing to get his suit messed up.
The crowd jeers wildly as Vickie lets out a wicked cackle. Then she directs Gladhappy to pick up one of the nearby stained glass windows, while she holds the mostly limp Colton up by his face. Hoyt picks up Nate’s fallen microphone and makes a desperate plea for sanity.
Hoyt Williams: ORDER I SAY!! ORDER!!! This is blasphemy!! That window is an original Murano glass from the exquisite taste collection!
But it falls on deaf ears, as the Nuzzle Lord and the Forever Man lift Colton up into the air and-
Vickie Hall: WAIT.
The boys stop what they’re doing to look back at Vickie.
Vickie Hall: I want it done differently.
The most heinous smirk crosses Vickie’s face as Jonathan-Christopher lets go of the glass window. Instead, he takes solid hold of Nate Colton and flips him into his finisher position, Stand By Me. But he hasn’t hit the move yet.
Nick Stuart: Please. Don’t!
Vickie walks to the left side of JCH and Colton while Tristan-Crispin walks to the left side. They hold the window of glass underneath Nate Colton’s face, about halfway down to the mat, where Jonathan-Christopher is going to crash Colton through.
For a split second there, it doesn’t look like Jonathan-Christopher wants to do it-
Hoyt Willaims: Hey no, that’s precious glass! No, sinner! Down! No–awwww…
Vickie Hall: DO ITTTTTTT!!!! Nate Colton should die of gonorrhea and ROT. IN. HELL!!!
The Ace Ventura line isn’t lost on Hoyt, who hears the word HELL and has a mental breakdown.
Jonathan-Christopher says a prayer himself before the priceless glass depiction of Hoyt Williams holding the Universal Title aloft, while floating above the defeated form of Killean Sirrajin… a stunning piece of art and history… is utterly destroyed.
Nick Stuart: Oh my God!
At long last, a pack of Enemigos saunter toward the ring. They don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry, so the LOVE CONVOY have time to get a few more stomps in before leaving the ring.
Nick Stuart: Finally. Vickie and company have absolutely destroyed Nate Colton, folks. Let’s get the medics out here while we…for the love of God, can we cut to something? Anything!?
While PRIME security “secures” the area, two of the Enemigos check on Nathaniel Clay, who is completely fine. Meanwhile, Hoyt Williams walks through the carnage with a tear in his eye to check on the broken glass…ignoring the broken wrestler laying amongst it.
Hoyt Williams: Why can’t I have nice things.
We then cut to the backstage area.