COMMERCIAL: MILO FLYNN CUP

The shot opens on an empty street. Two young people sit on the curb, looking sad.

“HEY!”

One of them looks up.

Sad Girl: Me?

“NO, BOTH OF YOU!”

The other one looks up as well.

Sad Boy: What?

“YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE JUST GOT RID OF YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF WRESTLING! WHY SO DOWN?”

Sad Girl: PRIME got rid of their tag team division.

Sad Boy: That’s our favorite kind of wrestling.

“THAT SUCKS! HERE, LET ME SEE IF I CAN BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY!”

CLANG CLANG CLANGITY CLANG

That’s the sound of a steel garbage can rolling down the street. It keeps rolling until it reaches our two sad friends, then stops on its own and tips itself upright.

How? Magic, probably.

“GO ON, OPEN IT!”

The Sad Girl carefully reaches for the lid and removes it. As soon as she does, she and the Sad Boy are blasted right in the face with lights and sound and special effects and all the crazy shit you’d expect out of a commercial this dumb.

“THAT’S RIGHT, KIDS! THE KICK-ASSEST TAG TEAM EVENT OF THE YEAR IS BACK AGAIN! GET YOUR BUTTS READY FOR THE MILO FLYNN CUP!”

The Sad Kids fall down, overwhelmed by the lunatic laser show. Now the ball of sensory overload aims itself at the nearby wall, where it turns into a series of video clips of the event from years past.

In rapid succession, we see the Dangerous Mix. The Evil Russians. The Crownless Kingdom. The Privateers. Masters of the Multiverse B-Team. The Spicy Bois. Route 666. No Quarter. The Coltons. The Soldiers of Fortune. And finally the New World Trash, holding aloft the Flynn Cup–a trophy whose topper is a garbage can, a fitting tribute to the Raging Hobo.

“SO WHAT IF THEY THREW US AWAY? BE THE GREATNESS FROM THE GUTTER, AND PUNK THEM LOVERS UP!”

The formerly Sad Girl and Boy smile distantly as they lay down on the sidewalk, twitching. We should probably call the medics.

“AND IF YOU’VE GOT A PARTNER AND A WHOLE LOTTA GUTS, YOU CAN SIGN UP! HELL, MAYBE YOU CAN EVEN WIN…”

THE 2023 MILO FLYNN CUP

Roy Wilkins Auditorium
St. Paul, MN
September 1-2, 2023