COMMERCIAL: THE MADHOUSE
The Secret Meeting Place.
Not really much of a secret, if we know where it is. More of a “Nobody’s Ever Bothered Looking For It Meeting Place,” really.
Here is where some of the most creative (read: insane) minds in wrestling go over the plans for the wrestling event that people will talk about for years to come: the inaugural opening of The Madhouse.
“We’re two months away. Is it ready?”
That voice comes from a speakerbox on the far end of a conference table. The speaker probably doesn’t need to shroud himself in mystery, considering nobody is likely to remember him…but he had some very bad experiences with spies twenty years ago, and he’s not about to let them get close again.
The next to speak is Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq., renowned doctor-lawyer and mad scientist. He’s the Director of Construction for the event.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Hello, yes. The facility is complete, despite SOMEBODY removing the lava missiles.
Charles Beckett: I told you, Doctor. People dying is bad.
That’s Charles Beckett, Director of Logistics. He tends to view the laws that govern reality as “whimsical suggestions,” but he draws the line at people dying.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: PHILISTINE! AND WHAT OF MY SKUNK-A-PULTS?!
Charles Beckett: The skunk-a-pults are awesome, but I’m not signing off on animal cruelty.
Or animals getting hurt.
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: It’s not cruel! It’s fun! Especially for the skunks!
Charles Beckett: You better have a study that proves it.
“Let’s circle back to that. Steve, how are the decorations and costumes coming?”
This would be Marketing Director Steven D. Thum, who is in charge of set design and costuming. That has not been his actual job title since 1999, and he was fired after four hours, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to ruin wrestlers’ careers with stupid gimmicks. If you see a wrestler dressed like a fairy viking or demonic bunny, chances are they’ve talked to this guy.
Steven D. Thum: The props will be ready by the end of the month, and most of the costumes are reserved. It’d be a lot easier if you weren’t married to this “Wild West” concept. I can get us a deal on some wizard robes…
“Not a lot of wizards in a saloon, Steve.”
Steven D. Thum: How about the California Raisins?”
Steven D. Thum: …sexy California Raisins?
“Absolutely not. Cosmo, how are things on your end?”
The Cosmo Kid, stylish as always in his pinstripe suit and luchador mask. Nobody knows what his job title is. Or what he does here. Or who even brought him into the organization.
The Cosmo Kid: Peachy, sir.
“Don’t know what we’d do without you. Now…submissions close on March 15. How many entrants do we have?”
Charles Beckett: They’ve slowed down after the initial rush, but we’re sitting at just over forty.
“Not bad. Could be better. How do we raise more interest?”
Charles Beckett: Suppose we could advertise the reward for winning.
The Cosmo Kid: Which is…?
The assembled directors look at each other, hoping one of them has the answer. Here we see the inherent flaw about putting people like this on your planning committee.They’re notoriously bad at planning.
Charles Beckett: Big sandwich?
Steven D. Thum: Coupons to Uncle Larry’s Not-At-All-Creepy Costume Emporium?
Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, Esq.: Free rides in the skunk-a-pult?
The Cosmo Kid: Money?
“Hmm. Yes, I think ‘money’ is the way to go. The winner will recieve…let’s say, five thousand dollars…”
This is met with a murmur of indifference. Five grand? That barely even covers the skunks.
The eyes go wide. That got their attention. Charles starts typing on his phone’s calculator, because the last time he tried to do math in his head, everyone in Poland gained the power of flight.
It’s a long story.
Charles Beckett: So we’re already up to…two hundred and fifteen thousand.
“I think that should get their attention.”
FISTFIGHT AT HIGH NOON
APRIL 28, 2023
For a few dollars more…