CONSIDER OUR ENEMIES ADDRESSED

From commercial, we cut backstage  where Simon Tillier is currently performing the sign of the cross in front of a conference room door, clearly wearing the expression of a man who definitely regrets a lot of his life choices. Like this one. This one he’s doing right now.

He knocks on the door, and he enters into yet another nightmare scenario perpetrated upon him by Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips of the Glue Man Group.

So, first of all, Joe and Sid. Yes. They’re here. We just mentioned them, welcome to the segment. I know it’s been a long show so far, probably a lot of hijinks… I mean, how about that Hanlon versus TAL match, am I right? I’m right. We’re so right. In the interest of being right, we should mention that Sid has a bucket of popcorn because it’s the only thing that can possibly distract him from powerbombing his way out of this important peace summit. 

Three championship belts sit neatly in a pile on the Glues’ end of the table, the two Bang! With Your Partner Championships and the ever enticing Bang! All Day Championship that is technically on the line right this second. Against whom? Against the field. That field? A couple of goofs sitting across the table…Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz, the Masters of the Moscowverse. Randall seems entirely distracted by the presence of the championship belts…do we still call them belts, or is that banned from PRIME vernacular? No matter, pal…while Randall stares at the titles, Kenny gives a glare at the Glue Man Group. Why the glare? Because a spot has been open for some time for the glareman of the PRIME roster.

Joe acknowledges Simon with a nod.

Joe Fontaine: There he is.

Simon Tillier: I want you to know that every time you ask me to interview you, I know it’s not going to be an interview and it’s going to be some sort of insanity you’ve concocted. You almost make me…

He hesitates. He doesn’t want to say the thing he’s thinking of: that he kinda misses Rezin. 

He gives up and lets out a sigh. 

Simon Tillier: So, what’s going on?

Joe Fontaine: Okay, you know how a couple of months ago, this guy…

He points across the table towards Kenny Freeman.

Joe Fontiane: …“addressed his enemies”?

Simon Tillier: Sure. Okay. What about it?

Joe Fontaine: Well, the implication of talking smack at us when he addressed his enemies presumed that we’re “enemies”. So we’re here to discuss that in an extra calm and ultra reasoned discussion between super adults. 

Sid Phillips: I remember powerbombing them once. I could do that again. That could be the opening and ending of discussions, very convenient.

Joe Fontaine: No.

Sid throws his free hand up, and popcorn still goes everywhere despite the bucket being in his other hand. 

Sid Phillips: God! I am never getting to powerbomb anyone in PRIME again, am I?

Kenny has had about enough of this mess, smacking his hand against the table with a thud.

Kenny Freeman: HEY! Let’s get this road on the show, shall we? I gotta…thing to go to later.

Randall nods absentmindedly in agreement, his gaze never averting from the championships.

Kenny Freeman: So, uh…what’s the issue here, fellas? I was, uh…I was in the heat of the moment when I made those statements.

Randall finally chimes in after nodding once again, finally focused on the task at hand.

Randall Schwartz: It’s true, Kenny was telling me about it on the drive over. He mostly just wanted an excuse to make the line about Sykes being nothing without his King Berry getup.

Kenny is now the one nodding in agreement, mouthing “just a man” as Randall Schwartz continues.

Randall Schwartz: So, if the issue is that we brought you fine gents up in the midst of all that…we’re sorry. We really are.

Sid Phillips: Alright, look, let’s just get into positions here. We’re on this side, you’re on that side. Simon, you’re all up in the middle. Just right up in there.

Simon Tillier: I don’t think that’s phrased in a way that’s safe for work.

Sid Phillips: Just right up in the middle.

Simon sighs and takes a seat at the center of the table. Joe sits down in his swivel chair and takes a big ‘ol spin. He even says “whee!” as he does it, and it’s very mature and no one is judging him for it at all.

Joe Fontaine: Okay! So, obviously, it’s a whole heat of the moment kind of thing and that’s great and all. And we might have said one or two things, ourselves, we’re not completely blind to that.

Sid Phillips: There might have been one or two powerbombs, too. Which I am not sorry for, that’s just how I communicate.

Joe Fontaine: Yeah, and we can ask Sid to be polite in this summit and not communicate in his native language. We good? Savvy?

Kenny and Randall look at each other, pondering the inquiry for a moment before nodding in agreement.

Randall Schwartz: We are, as the kids would say, gucci my fam.

Kenny literally cringes at the Entertainer’s attempt to be hip with the lingo, but still nods before chiming in himself.

Kenny Freeman: I think we all understand the most important thing here…which is that Jared Sykes is garbo, full stop.

Joe Fontaine: Hear, hear. One thousand bazillionty percent.

Simon Tillier: That is not a number.

Whatever point Simon has is quickly dashed aside as Joe continues to talk.

Joe Fontaine: The point is that we’re definitely in agreement that Jared Sykes is the pee pee poo poo man, and Justine Calvin is worse. Stupid toxic hell banshee. From hell. Am I right? Are we in agreement there?

On that point Randall nods furiously, but Kenny seems a little hesitant. Is it a crush? Sure hope not, that’d be weird for some reason. Eventually, the young man slowly nods in agreement with a shrug of the shoulders.

Joe Fontaine: Great!

Sid Phillips: He very much worried that you wouldn’t be in agreement and that I would have to explain things clearly in my native language.

Joe Fontaine: Yeah, glad it didn’t have to come to that. The translation from Sid’s language to English is a pain in the ass. A lot of transitive and non-transitive verbs, you know what I mean?

Sid Phillips: And back pain.

Joe Fontaine: And that.

The Masters agree with another nod, extending their hands out for a show of sportsmanship. Sportsmanship? In this economy!?

Joe smiles, stands, and walks over to shake some hands. Kenny meets him halfway, but just before they could make contact for a handshake, he suddenly shoots behind Joe and rolls him up! 

As soon as this happens, Simon Tillier – of all people – recognizes what is happening, and quickly removes his shirt…revealing a referee’s jersey as he drops down to make the count! 

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

There isn’t a bell to be rung, but Kenny jumps up to his feet and grabs the title belt that helpfully says “Bang! All Day” on it. And then he leaves so fast that if this were a cartoon, he’d have left a big ‘ol dust cloud. Speaking of cartoons, Randall Schwartz blazes out of there in his wheelchair, making noises that wouldn’t have sounded out of place in Jabberjaw. 

Simon’s also leaving, though his departure is less rapid. It’s the departure of a man who has better things to do with his time and his life than this.

Joe sits up, bewildered. He looks up at the table to see that the Glue Man Group is now bereft one of their three championship belts. It takes him a few moments to comprehend what just happened, and when he does comprehend it… well…

Joe Fontaine: MOTHERFUC–

And wouldn’t you know it, we’re moving on! To another pre-tape?! Is no one here tonight?!