CRASH vs. BOBBY DEAN
The KeyBank drops into darkness, save for the backlights in the entryway, as a mix of curious silence and spontaneous cheers comes over the crowd. With haste, a figure emerges from the back and stands head high, fist raised, and strikes a pose for a brief second.
“LEEEET’S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBLE”
The bell dings as Volbeat’s “A Warrior’s call” floods the airwaves and brings the lights back up. A chaotic lightshow takes over the entrance ramp, with flashing white and red strobe lights, before Crash jumps in the air and stomps both feet in clear view for everyone to see. He roars violently with a fiery, toothy grin before beginning his frantic descent to the ring.
“FEEL THE FIRE, HE’S ENTERING THE RING
HIS MINDSET KNOWS ONLY HOW TO WIIIIIIIN”
Crash reaches the ring while pumping his fist in unison with the beat, being joined by many fans simply out of respect for fist pumping, and scales the stairs at the same hellacious pace before turning around to roar at the crowd again.
“UNLEASHING HIS HELL
YOU WON’T EVEN HEAR THE BELL”
He leaps the top rope and lands with a thunderous rattle before pacing around the ring and nodding his head repeatedly. He stops in the middle, facing the crowd.
“FEEL THE POWER OF THE WAAAAARRIOOOOR!”
Crash steps towards the crowd, slamming his fist into the air and yelling along with the song.
He turns to the opposite side of the arena and offers the same sentiment.
“LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMBLE”
Much more fist pumping begins with sweat flying off his face and arms, landing on the lucky fans in the front row.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from Buffalo, New York, he weighs in at two hundred and thirty eight pounds.. CRAAAASH JAAAAAAACKSON!
The music begins to die out as Crash moves to his corner.
Almost as soon as the music ends that blessed of all themes begins to play marking the arrival of one Bobby Dean!
“You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito rips over the KeyBank arena crowd as they come alive the eGG Bandit. By alive I mean they begin booing the Captain, though there are also a few people cheering. This noise increases a few notches as Bobby wanders out onto the stage like a proud hutt preparing to preside over the Boonta Eve Classic.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Houston, Texas, weighing in at three hundred and sixty nine pounds, BEEEEAUUUTIFUL BOOOOOOBBY DEEEEEEEAN!
The Captain is stunning in his bandit blue drip, that flashest of all Bandit robes glittering with the finest rhinestones. Bobby keeps a steady pace as he swaggers down to the ring, his hips swinging to either side as he carries his bulk comfortably to the ring.
Nick Stuart: This will be a battle of styles, wouldn’t you say Richard?
Richard Parker: If you mean it will be a lean, quick, jumpy dumpy guy verses the Beautiful Adonis of McDonalds, yes, it will be a battle of styles.
He climbs the steps only to pause and head back down them. Crash looks confused as Bobby proceeds to swagger around the ring, his hands held up as he takes in the boos and muffled cheers.
After a full circuit Bobby starts to climb the steps again before pausing. He looks at Crash and back around at the crowd before he heads back down the steps for another walk around the ring. The cheers are replaced with muffled laughing, the booing itself gets louder.
Nick Stuart: What the hell is Bobby doing?
Richard Parker: He probably forgot to stretch before he came out here and he needs a little warm up.
On his third circuit Bobby once again climbs the ring steps. Elvis Nixon looks to be losing his patience as he demands that Dean enter the ring. The Captain stares at Elvis in confusion before pretending like he can’t hear him. Crash begins to pace around the ring, his face flashing red with irritation at Bobby’s pre-match antics.
Nick Stuart: Crash isn’t in the mood for Bobby’s games here tonight.
Richard Parker: If he doesn’t like it, he should do something about it!
Dean holds his hands up toward Elvis and indicates he needs to take a quick break as his three trips around the ring had left him exhausted. Sitting down he pulls a bag of Haribo gummy bears out of his robe and begins snacking on them.
Nick Stuart: He needs a rest and a snack after his walk out? Come on, this has to be some kind of game.
Richard Parker: Or maybe he just warmed up a little too much? Listen, it’s a lot of weight to drag around the ring three times, Nick.
Nick Stuart: And I don’t think gummy bears are a great pre-match snack either!
Richard Parker: Maybe not for you, Nick, but when you’re a physical specimen like Bobby Dean, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want!
Crash tries to leave the ring but Elvis quickly stops him, trying to calm the Northern Light down. Bobby doesn’t seem to be paying much attention as he gobbles down a handful. The camera is close enough to catch Dean telling himself to save some for after the match. He tucks the gummies back into his robe and stands up doing some “stretches”.
Richard Parker: What did I tell you, Nick, he needs to stretch!
Nick Stuart: This is ridiculous! Referee Elvis Nixon needs to get Dean in the ring so we can start this match!
It looks like Bobby is about to enter the ring, heading up the steps one at a time.
The Captain stops, nods to himself and heads down the stairs again, ready to take another circuit around the ring!
Richard Parker: Another round, just a quick warm up, Nick, just to be ready for sure.
Nick Stuart: Enough is enough, somebody needs to do something!
Crash has had enough, quickly dodging around Elvis and sliding out of the ring behind an unaware Bobby. He smashes Dean from behind with a double ax handle knocking the Beautiful One to his knees as the crowd comes alive! Crash rips the blue robe off Bobby exposing his soft, blubbery flesh.
Nick Stuart: Crash on the offensive as he’s waited long enough for Beautiful Bobby Dean!
Richard Parker: Referee Elvis Nixon has lost control of this! He needs to get that maniac Crash back in the ring so we can start this match! Who’s wasting time now, Stuart!?
Jackson kicks at the downed Dean savagely, the frustration caused by Dean’s antics turned into a blinding rage. This is fed by the crowd’s excitement as they watch him assault Bobby. Crash drags Dean up to his feet and rolls him into the ring before unleashing a zealous roar, his hands held high in the air as he channels the energy from the crowd.
Richard Parker: Look at this idiot, pandering to the crowd when he should be starting this match!
Nick Stuart: I think Bobby took enough time, Crash can enjoy a little love from the crowd, Richard.
Crash turns and rolls into the ring only to get caught by a sudden elbow drop from a waiting Bobby Dean!
Richard Parker: That’s what he gets for pandering!
Nick Stuart: At least we can finally get this match underway.
Bobby immediately hooks the leg!
Kick Out by Crash!
Nick Stuart: Bobby trying to steal a quick win but Crash gets his shoulder up at one.
Richard Parker: You can’t blame a man for trying.
The Captain climbs back up to his feet, eager to keep up his advantage as he drags Crash back up to his feet. Unfortunately for Dean he is ill prepared for Crash as he slams his fist into Bobby’s gut! This is followed by a series of strikes that breaks the Captain’s hold on Crash.
Shoving Dean away, Crash hits the ropes before smashing Bobby with a stiff lariat! Bobby gets staggered but he doesn’t go down prompting Crash to hit the ropes once again!
Nick Stuart: WIDE LEFT!
Richard Parker: Stupid kicks that are super! Caught Bobby right on the third or fourth chin!
Once again Dean weebles and he wobbles but he won’t go down! Crash channels the energy of the crowd as he lets out a tremendous warcry before hitting the ropes, flying back out at Bobby connecting with a Spinning Heel Kick!
Nick Stuart: New York’s Finest landing a picture perfect spinning heel kick across Bobby’s jaw!
This finally takes Bobby Dean off his feet, his body thundering down like a felled Baobab tree!
Crash points to the top turnbuckle as the fans climb to their feet! The Northern Light takes two big steps forward before launching himself, climbing the turnbuckle nimbly. Once crouched atop the turnbuckle Jackson repositions himself to look down at Bobby. He imitates lighting up a joint before smoking it.
Nick Stuart: 420 SPLASH incoming!
Crash Jackson takes flight into a tremendous Frog Splash!
Richard Parker: If he lands this he might get bounced all the way into the fifth row!
Bobby gets the knees up!
Crash clutches at his ribs as Bobby slowly rolls toward the ropes. Propping himself up, Bobby fishes an Uncrustable out of his tights. He tears it open with his teeth and greedily gobbles it down.
Nick Stuart: A great counter by Dean! And then he just stuffs his face with more food!
Richard Parker: A veteran move, a counter that required nearly no effort on behalf of the Captain of the eGG Bandits. I’m not so sure about the gummy bears though..
Staggering up to his feet, Crash spots Bobby and charges forward again. Bobby doesn’t bother to defend himself and instead looks like he basically lets Crash pull him up to his feet. The Northern Light hooks up Bobby and looks to be going for a suplex!
Nick Stuart: He is going for it! He’s going to suplex Bobby Dean!
Richard Parker: No way.. No WAY he pulls this off!
He tries to lift Dean but barely manages to get the big man a few inches off the guard. Bobby doesn’t seem overly concerned as he patiently waits for his opening.
Crash plants his feet and makes another attempt to lift the Captain! With the fan encouragement, and much to Bobby’s own surprise, Crash manages to get a few feet in the air! Flailing his feet in a panic Bobby manages to break Crash’s grip collapsing down on Jackson!
Nick Stuart: No! He almost had him but big Beautiful Bobby Dean was just too much!
Richard Parker: No one ever accused Crash of being bright.
The near four hundred pounder flattens Crash, driving the wind out of him. This is the opening that Bobby has been looking for, his Uncrustable powerup kicking into overdrive. Far faster than you’d expect from Bobby Dean, the doughy bandit is up on his feet with Crash!
Shoving Crash’s head into his tights, Bobby lifts his opponent up into a piledriver position..
THE DEANER WEINER!
Nick Stuart: The top of Crash’s head was just introduced to the ring with authority!
Richard Parker: Yeah, that wasn’t the only thing Crash’s head was getting to know while he was down there…
Bobby rolls Crash over and puts the full of his girthy girth down on his opponent’s upper body and face!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner, BEAUTIFUL BOOOOOOBBY DEEEEAAAAAAAN!
Inside the ring Bobby Dean celebrates as “You’re the Best” comes blasting back over the KeyBank Arena. The crowd boos the eGG Bandit while he enjoys some more post match Haribo Gummy Bears. He sure is glad he saved some for this victory celebration!
Nick Stuart: Are we looking at a streak for Bobby Dean!?
Richard Parker: I can’t believe it.. But I think it might be.
Crash is slowly rolled out of the ring while being checked on by medical staff. Max Kael appears from the back with Violent Purple at his side. The two of them check over Crash and help escort him to the back.
Nick Stuart: Ladies and gentleman, we’ve still got tons of action including our Intense Title Main Event! Stick around for more after this commercial break!