CRUCIFIXION MATCH: HOYT WILLIAMS vs. NOVA
Nick Stuart: Up next, a crucifix match between two beloved and respected PRIME Hall of Famers. Yup, you heard that right.
Richard Parker: I can’t believe it is 2023, and this match is happening. Crazy. Just crazy.
The shot jumps to the wooden crucifix which is down at ringside near the end of entrance ramp. It has its own designated spot down there.
You’ll see why.
Nick Stuart: The rules for the match are simple. There is an Acme powered cross laying on the floor. Then, there are straps for the hands and feet so that a person can be “nailed” to it. No one is actually getting “nailed” to anything.
Richard Parker: This is PRIME, damn it, and not some Chicago deep dish shanty.
Nick Stuart: Well, not entirely. The cross is wired to a nearby button which unfortunately screams fire hazard.
A zoom in on the button. It’s positioned a few feet away from the cross. Think of it like it is the button from the end of a Ninja Warrior course. Similar deals. Just blue. And sparking.
Nick Stuart: The electric blue button will only be activated once a person has been completely “nailed” to the cross. Then, and only then, and after the button has been pressed, will the cross spring upright and a winner be declared.
Richard Parker: So strap Nova in, use your boot to hit the button, profit. Seems easy enough.
Nick Stuart: You think so?
Richard Parker: No. In fact I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to watch any of this. Is it possible for me to take Hoyt’s spot so that he may live in case the worst happens?
“Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode plays as out walks Joe Burro holding the Imperium Bible above his head. He walks to the ring unphased by the jeering crowd as a single white spotlight follows him. Joe enters the ring and holds the bible towards the entranceway.
Richard Parker: Who do I have to kill to be like Joe?
About two minutes into the song when it gets to the weird breathing part blue smoke starts filling the ramp as Hoyt appears wearing a long white robe flapping behind him as he zips to the ring on a golden segway. On his way down he scoffs as he passes by the cross. Sort of unnoticed you can spot Hoyt’s two main brethren the massive Brother Privilege and Brother Hypocrisy walking casually to the ring behind him. Once in the ring Hoyt does a few Jumping Jacks for Jesus and stretches by pulling on the ropes. He also can’t help himself but to smite the crowd.
Timo corrals the faithful and regrettably informs them that they won’t be at ringside for the match. As such, after putting up a good argument they head to the back.
Richard Parker: Talk about bias! Completely unfair! How dare he rob them of witnessing God’s Champion up close and personal?
The lights cut out in the arena, and a stormy sky appears on the video screen.
As thunder booms over the speakers and lightning lights up the darkened clouds on-screen, George Clinton’s voice can be heard speaking in soft, reverberating tones.
“Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time…for y’all have knocked her up. I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe; but I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all…or drown in my own shit.”
The stormy sky fades, replaced by a field of stars. One of the stars shoots across the screen, and as the field of stars comes together to form the word “NOVA,” Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain” lilts over the PA system.
Nick Stuart: There he is! Take a picture of him, because rumor is you might not be seeing him for a while!
At this moment, a spotlight hits the entrance ramp where Nova is kneeling, one fist raised in the air. The smoke wafting up from the cigarette hanging out of his mouth swirls iridescently under the hot glare of the spotlight.
Richard Parker: Those things will kill you.
Nick Stuart: The cigarette or the cross?
Richard Parker: Both.
After a moment, the Risen Star climbs to his feet and makes his way down to the ring. He stops to inspect the cross situation before rolling under the bottom rope. Then, he springs to his feet and flicks his cigarette away.
The lights come up.
Nick Stuart: Two legends. They’ve done it all. Well, except crucifying someone. I think. That changes tonight. I got goosebumps, Rich.
Richard Parker: Please Hoyt let yourself win.
Timo looks at both competitors. He then calls for the bell.
Nick Stuart: Here we go!
Richard Parker: I can’t watch!
Neither Nova nor Hoyt move from their respective corners. Instead, they remain still, and stare at each other from across the squared circle. The PRIMEates in attendance quickly rise to their feet and hit a fever pitch, which eventually causes the two to charge towards one another. They collide in the center of the ring with the weight and magnitude of PRIME’s cherished history following closely behind them, and explode into a violent flurry of right and left hands.
Nick Stuart: Neither man will back down! It’s almost like they are going to stand there and punch each other in the face until it’s time for one of them to get strapped to the cross.
Richard Parker: Do you think Hoyt’s face is okay?
Finally, the rabid opening flurry begins to slow, and Hoyt manages to push the smaller Nova back. Nova charges in with a clothesline, and Hoyt ducks underneath it. Hoyt then winds up to land a stiff Williamsliner of his own, but Nova ducks underneath that.
Nick Stuart: Ew.
Richard Parker: What? What is it?
The difference between the two clothesline attempts is that Nova happens to slip in a quick German suplex after his dodge that buckles the son of Duke Williams in half.
Nick Stuart: Hoyt is 6’6, weighs over three hundred pounds, and Nova just suplexed him as if he were an altar boy!
Hoyt smartly rolls out of the ring to buy some time to recover. Nova quickly joins him on the outside not wanting to lose the advantage. The two once again start to exchange rights and lefts. During the exchange Hoyt sneaks a knee into Nova’s gut, which robs The Risen Star of his air and drops him to the ground. Continuing on with the offense Hoyt fiercely whips Nova into the barricade, and then quickly follows that up by again fiercely whipping Nova but this time into the steel steps!
Richard Parker: Doesn’t matter what year it is. You don’t mess with Hoyt Williams in a crucifixion match. I don’t care who you are.
Hoyt stalks his way over and helps his fellow Hall of Famer back up. He reaches out and slaps Nova’s ears with his patented Church Bells a-ring-‘n’ maneuver to further disorient his foe before rolling him back into the ring. Then, Your Personal Jesus takes a moment to bask in the crowd’s adoration. Or lack thereof. Still, it doesn’t stop him from basking. When Hoyt turns around, and more importantly when he refocuses his attention back on the match, much to his chagrin he is met with a body splash!
Nick Stuart: Nova from the TOP rope all the way to OUTSIDE! If this is the last time we’ll be seeing him for a while then he’s pulling out all the stops.
Senior Referee Timo Bolamba hastily slides out of the ring to check on the PRIME legendaries who lay writhing in pain. Meanwhile, PetCo Park is going absolutely bonkers.
Richard Parker: I bet that goon was immune! He doesn’t have any brains to begin with!
Eventually, and with the aid of the guardrail, Nova is able to get back upright. He shakes the pain away from the stiff landing, and then lands a few kicks to Hoyt’s lower back. He reaches down, grabs a handful of Hoyt’s hair, and assists his foe back up. Instead of rolling him into the ring though, Nova ushers Hoyt towards the crucifix and delivers a precise bodyslam to better line up his foe on the cross.
Nick Stuart: It’s like Nova has been practicing that move! He slammed Hoyt perfectly. This could be it!
Richard Parker: This isn’t right! Hoyt! Shoot him with the lasers in your eyes! Smite him! HURRY!
Nova goes to strap his opponent’s arm to the one side of the crucifix, but while he’s doing so Hoyt uses his free hand to desperately rake his eyes.
Richard Parker: Phew. Close one. Hail HOYT!
The Starchild reels backwards in agony.
The 8th member inducted into PRIME’s Hall of Fame rises up, charges in, and lands a Williamsliner that knocks the rest of Nova’s hair out. It also sends Nova soaring over the guardrail and into the front row of the audience! Instead of following him into the crowd, Hoyt reaches over the guardrail and suplexes Nova back to the outside.
Smitten, Williams then brushes his hands together signaling a job well done.
Richard Parker: Hoyt back in total control!
Nick Stuart: Although he better be careful! Last time he took his eye off the ball it cost him.
Richard Parker: Enough of the blasphemy!
Williams gets Nova up and rolls him back inside the ring. He follows closely behind by sliding under the bottom rope. Then, wasting no time in furthering the assault, Hoyt quickly pounces on Nova and delivers a series of short right hands that have one purpose and one purpose only.
Richard Parker: We got a bleeder!
Hoyt stops his attack at the sight of the blood, because at the end of the day he does like Nova but he just wants to be God’s Champion more. Once again, he takes a moment to charm his parishioners. Timo checks in on Nova as if there is something that he could do.
Nick Stuart: Nova is getting pummeled. He’s lucky they are inside the ring and not near the cross right now.
Hoyt goes back to work, but once again he takes too much time preaching. As such, Nova is waiting for him. Well, Nova is waiting to destroy Hoyt’s ability to have children and make him preach in a high pitch.
Richard Parker: LOW BLOW! DISQUALIFY HIM TIMO! DO YOUR JOB!
Nick Stuart: It’s a crucifixion match.
Richard Parker: Oh. Yeah. LIKE I CARE!
Hoyt drops to his knees clutching at his holy marbles. Nova struggles to get back up but he does; blood on his face but not really gushing from it. He circles Hoyt, like a shark around a sinking boat. Hoyt lazily waves to stop Nova from advancing, but he still sounds like a choir boy so no help there. Nova reaches out, cinches in, and then plants Hoyt into the canvas with his signature move, No Value!
Nick Stuart: HOYT is DOWN!
Richard Parker: He should be thanking himself that he’s the one not near the cross this time around.
Nova looks down at Hoyt, and then over at the cross. Then, he looks back at Hoyt, and then back at the cross. He shrugs. Then, he reaches into his tights, lights a cig, and uses the cherry to help Hoty out of the ring.
Richard Parker: This is the second time Nova should have been disqualified. If there’s a third I might just have to boycott the outcome of this match.
Nova and Hoyt are now on the outside of the ring after the brief butt break. Nova is jostling with Hoyt, and trying to get him back down on top of the cross. However, Hoyt manages to slip away and find his feet. The two stand across from each other, with the cross being between them.
Nick Stuart: This is it!
Richard Parker: I can’t watch!
Just like at the start of the match the crowd rises to their feet and hits a fever pitch. Then, Nova and Hoyt charge at each other with everything they got. Rights and lefts fly. Blood trickles. Nova swings, and connects. Hoyt reels back, and Nova charges in.
Nick Stuart: WHAT!?!?!
Richard Parker: Oh my Hoyt.
Hoyt spins on a holy heel, avoids Nova’s attack, and back body drops him. Instead of Nova landing on the floor though, Hoyt catches him on his back as he’s falling toward the ground. In one swift motion Hoyt raises his arms, elevates Nova, and…
Richard Parker: CRUCIFIED AND SAVED ON TOP OF THE CRUCIFIX!!!!
Nick Stuart: WOW! HE PLANTED HIM!
Hoyt falls down to his knees. Nova isn’t moving. He’s bleeding, but he’s not moving. Hoyt reaches out and straps Nova’s arms to the crucifix. He then straps down Nova’s feet.
Richard Parker: Just hit the fucking button and it’s over!
Exhausted, Hoyt slowly crawls his way over to the button, reaches out with whatever energy he has left, blesses himself, and then crucifies Nova.
Richard Parker: THANK HOYT THIS IS FINALLY OVER. I can breathe again.
Nick Stuart: What a match between two legends. Both men left it all out there tonight. Whatever the future may hold, neither of them will be the same when the travel through it..
The final shot of the match is of Hoyt, still on his knees, looking up at bloody Nova who remains strapped to the cross.
We then return to the backstage area.