DARIN ZION vs. ARTHUR PLEASANT
The inside of the Capital One Arena in Washington D.C. as tens of thousands of fans are screaming at their top of their lungs, ready for an action-packed card. Before we get our first match of the night going though, it’s time for… SIGNS!
WILL’S MUTED IN VOICE AGAIN
YOU MERELY ADOPTED THE VOICE CHAT, I WAS BORN IN THE VOICE CHAT
JUST WATCH OUT FOR THE RENO DICK COLLECTORS, THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKING CRAZY.
I’M DRINKING A GRIMACE SHA–
GLUEDON YOUNGBLOOD EATS BRAN
THERE’S NO BELARYOU OR BELARME, THERE’S ONLY BELARUS
I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM KAZAKHSTAN JUST TO SAY UZBEKISTAN IS GREAT NATION OF ASSHOLE
REVIVAL IS OVER 30, WHICH MEANS IT’S GOT INEXPLICABLE BACK PAIN
TITAN SUBMERSIBLE TOURS OF THE FLAMBORGHINI. NEW DISCOUNTED RATE!
IVAN WIPES BACK TO FRONT
FOR THE RECORD: ANNA WAS RIGHT
I STEPPED ON ARTHUR PLEASANT WITH MY BARE FOOT AND I’M HOSPITALIZED
Nick Stuart: Good evening, you wonderful PRIME fans at home! We are coming to you live, tonight, from our nation’s capital Washington, D.C. in the beautiful Capital One Arena. With me, as always, and sitting on my right – my illustrious co-host, the very talented Richard Parker! How are you tonight, Richard?
Richard Parker: Chafing.
Nick Stuart: Excuse me?
Richard Parker: I shaved my chest last night. For the ladies. You ever shave your chest, Nick?
Nick Stuart: Can’t say I have, Richard.
Richard Parker: Well, let me tell you, Nick, right now my nipples are itching like my last hooker wore poison ivy lip balm, and my pecs are raspy as a cat’s tongue.
Nick Stuart: And on that note, we’ll be kicking off tonight with what looks to be a very interesting match between the longest pantsed member of the Love Convoy, Darin Zion, and a man from a town our announcer can’t pronounce, Arthur Pleasant. We’ll take you ringside, now, where it looks like Vince Howard is ready to introduce the combatants in what should prove to be a most intense battle.
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
The arena is drowned with the sound of “A Happy Song” by Bring Me The Horizon. The crowd grows sullen.
Vince Howard: From Chicago, Illinois and weighing in tonight at two-hundred and twenty-five pounds…
Darin Zion steps out onto the stage. A man who seems to think booing is a sign of adoration grins at his, uh… adoring fans.
Vince Howard: DAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIN ZIIIIIIIION!!
Zion makes his way to the ring. Fun fact, when he walks the lips on his pants kind of pucker and unpucker like someone trying to pretend to be a fish.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…
Richard Parker: How are your nipples today, Nick?
Nick Stuart: They’re not fans of attention on national broadcast, especially when much more interesting things are available to watch like Zion’s opponent for the night.
Vince Howard: All the way from Alaska…
Richard Parker: Did you notice he didn’t even try to say Utqiagvik this time?
Nick Stuart: Why, Richard I am pleasantly surprised and even impressed. Your pronunciation was flawless!
Richard Parker: That was a sneeze.
Vince Howard: …weighing in at 225 pounds… ARTHURRRRRRRR PLEAAAAAASAAAAAAAANT!
Pleasant walks out onto the stage to the “Immigrant Song” cover by Voodoo Prophet, displaying his disdain for Darin Zion by snarling with his fangs out. The crowd boos mercilessly at Pleasant as he walks to the ring. Fans in the front row next to the ramp way outstretch their hatred with endless middle fingers, but Pleasant is laser focused on his opponent.
Nick Stuart: Arthur is looking a little.. hungry tonight.
Richard Parker: Oh God. Thanks for the cannibalistic visual, Nick. Ugh.
Pleasant’s eyes don’t break Zion’s gaze as the two meet in the center of the ring getting instructions from Turnbull.
Nick Stuart: Jimmy Turnbull steps to the center of the ring and briefs Pleasant and Zion on the rules.
Richard Parker: Every time I see Jimmy, all I can think is “I could fit in that man’s thigh.”
Nick Stuart: That would be uncomfortable for both of you, Richard.
Richard Parker: You never know when you need a Ton Ton. Why do you think he’s reffing instead of wrestling? That dude looks like he and his fiery mane could take on this entire stadium.
Nick Stuart: Mysteries of the universe, Richard.
Turnbull backs away from the wrestlers and looks them both in the eye in turn. Each one nods. Turnbull signals to the bell.
Zion quickly steps into melee range of Pleasant and comes out swinging with two left jabs followed by a European Uppercut.
Darren Zion: FEEL THE PAIN OF A WORLD WITHOUT REAL LOVE®!
He follows up with a roundhouse kick, striking Pleasant across the chin with his heel. Pleasant falls to the mat.
Nick Stuart: A strong start by Zion who seems to have some unexpected motivation today. Any idea what’s got into him, Richard?
Richard Parker: He probably shaved his nips. I’m telling you, man, this’ll make anyone testy. I’ll be back, gonna get some vaseline.
Nick Stuart: Godspeed. Speaking of speed, Zion is looking to make short work of this match as he wraps Pleasant up in a Dragon Sleeper!
The crowd looks on as Turnbull watches for a tap out from Pleasant. The camera zooms in on Pleasant’s face to find that although it is turning a rather deeper shade of blue, it is also… grinning?
Nick Stuart: Not sure what we’re looking at here, folks. Pleasant appears to be losing and loving it. Oh, wait… no… it looks like Zion didn’t have a plan for Pleasant’s free arm and OH that’s got to hurt. Zion just took a shot right in the eye.
Zion releases Arthur who kips up quickly. Blood rushes back to his face, and his maniacal grin spreads. Zion continues to be distracted, placing a hand over his eye. Arthur bull rushes him.
A flurry of muay thai punches and kicks are delivered to Zion’s torso. Suddenly, Pleasant stops his attack and just stares at Zion, grinning. He waits. He looks around the stadium and flips off the entire crowd. Their booing intensifies, and his grin grows to Joker-like proportions.
Nick Stuart: Not sure what the strategy is here, folks. It looks like Arthur just wanted to take a break to piss us all off.
Richard Parker: Oh, no, Zion, don’t do that.
Nick Stuart: Welcome back, Richard. Don’t do what?”
Richard Parker: Don’t take your hand off your eye.
Pleasant rapidly pokes Zion in both eyes. Zion howls in pain.
Richard Parker: Told you.
Nick Stuart: Feeling better, Richard?
Richard Parker: I am, Nick. Didn’t find any Vaseline, but I was able to order an extra large popcorn.
Nick Stuart: How did that help?
Richard Parker: I got the butter on the side.
Pleasant peacocks around the ring while he thinks Zion is temporarily disposed of. He turns his back to cuss out a rather vocal audience member. Zion takes advantage of the opportunity, grappling Pleasant from behind and throwing him with a tiger suplex!
Pleasant lands on his head and lies on the ground, stunned. Zion starts to approach to wrap him up when…
Richard Parker: Is… is the crowd cheering Zion?
Nick Stuart: they are indeed, friend! Looks like the old adage the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and the crowd has decided that while they may or may not love Darren Zion, they know they hate Arthur Pleasant.
Zion parades around ringside, waving his arms to the crowd.
Darren Zion: I FEEL YOUR LOVE! SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR REAL LOVE®!
Zion takes the opportunity to show off while also delivering a little pain to Pleasant. He struts over to Pleasant’s limp body and pulls it into a Boston Crab. Feeling the stretching pain, Pleasant wakes up.
Zion bounces a bit, trying to get Pleasant to submit as he works over the crowd, grinning and blowing kisses.
He makes a crucial mistake, lowering his head to check on Arthur below him, reducing the leverage he has on Arthur and allowing him to twist and slip away. Pleasant wriggles out from between Zion’s legs and escapes, using the ropes to pull himself up and support himself temporarily.
He continues to grin like he’s in on a joke the rest of us just aren’t.
Richard Parker: I don’t think Zion sees what’s funny here, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Do you?
Richard Parker: Buttery nipples.
Zion charges at Pleasant who has nowhere to run and throws a fierce punch at Pleasant’s jaw. Pleasant dips left and down to deftly dodge the attack. Zion glares and tries again to the same result. Pleasant continues to lean against the ropes, bouncing left and right dodging basic attacks while Zion fails to get any more creative.
Richard Parker: It’s like Pleasant is playing Punch Out against Glass Joe.
Pleasant bounces off the ropes and… into Zion’s arms?
Arthur Pleasant: HUG ME! I just want to be loved…
Zion appears confused about the right thing to do. The crowd starts to chant
HUG HIM HUG HIM HUG HIM HUG HIM
Not one to miss the opportunity to spread REAL LOVE®, Zion closes his eyes and leans into the embrace… and Pleasant bites him square on the nose. Zion reels from the betrayal, and Pleasant runs to lean against the corner, giggling and taunting Darren further.
Richard Parker: Wow, what a dick move.
Nick Stuart: I thought something smelled a little fishy with that hug.
Richard Parker: …was that a nose bite pun? Are we going low enough to do puns now?
Nick Stuart: …maybe.
Zion charges Pleasant with his head down like a bull in his rage, unable to process the extreme injustice in what he has experienced. Arthur cackles as Zion has played into a trap. He jumps over the charging Zion, lands sitting on his back, wraps his legs around Zion’s waist, and dives over the ropes to perform a tarantula hold!
Richard Parker: You know, all this rope play reminds me, I need to be sure to venmo Madame Victoria for the session last night.
Nick Stuart: I learn new things about you every day, Richard.
Pleasant releases Zion who falls face first down on the mat. As he starts to stand, Pleasant flips over the top rope and kicks him in the head. Stunned, Zion continues to try and stand up.
Richard Parker: Just stay down, Darin.
Zion is undeterred, and tries to rise from the ashes. He shakes his head to get rid of the stars in his eyes, and opens them just in time to see Arthur Pleasant diving down below his waistline as Wrestling’s Worst Nightmare yanks his signature lip pants to his knees.
Richard Parker: *cackles*
Nick Stuart: And Pleasant has truly lowered the bar tonight, folks, pantsing Darren Zion on national television. I thought we grew out of this in grade school, but here we are. Can you believe this Richard?
Richard Parker: *wheezes*
Nick Stuart: *sighs* come on, Richard.
Zion looks down in shock at the situation. The fans are shocked at the situation. The staff is shocked at the situation. Arthur Pleasant is shocked. Somewhere there’s a man in a small house watching a tiny TV. That guy is fucking shocked. His mother is shocked. Everyone is fucking shocked. What the fuck. Pleasant charges forward and Zion smashes him across the chest with a knife edge chop. Then another. Pleasant stumbles backwards and Zion manages to pull his tights up to his waist.
Richard Parker: At least he’s showing some self respect here.
Nick Stuart: Pleasant should have caught a disqualification… christ am I rooting for Darin Zion?
Richard Parker: It’s Hoyt. Or Nova. I don’t know which one anymore.
Pleasant comes in and manages to smash Zion with a right hand. Zion stumbles back, bounces off the ropes, and comes forward like a freight train and swings a huge big sad lariat that sends Pleasant spinning. Zion darts over and hooks a leg.
Pleasant reaches over and puts his foot on the ropes. Turnbull shows Zion a two count and Zion is apocalyptic. He brandishes three fingers to Turnbull and is shouting.
Richard Parker: He had his foot on the ropes the whole time.
Nick Stuart: He barely got it there.
Richard Parker: Sherlock Holmes here. Had the stopwatch out and everything.
Pleasant slowly gets to his feet holding his head, Zion spins around and Arthur catches Zion with a thumb to the eye. Zion stomps around the ring holding his eye, Pleasant tries to come in, and Zion gouges Arthur’s eye with his thumb. Pleasant holds his eye and is shouting in pain, but still managing to hold a faint smile.
Richard Parker: This is new.
Zion staggers back towards Pleasant, but Pleasant manages to drive a knee into Zion’s midsection. Zion doubles over and Pleasant grabs the back of Zion’s head and drives it into the canvas. Pleasant sits up on Zion’s head, driving his knee into the back of Zion’s skull. Pleasant tries to push himself up on Zion’s shoulders but Zion rolls out of the way as Pleasant’s knee crashes down into the canvas. Darin rolls to his feet and looks out into the crowd sneering. Zion grabs Pleasant by the back of the head and pulls him to his feet. He whips Pleasant into the ropes.
Nick Stuart: BAN HAMMER!
Richard Parker: NO!
Pleasant ducks under the discus punch attempt and smashes Zion with a kick behind the knees. Zion falls down to a kneeling position. Arthur fires off a buzzsaw kick that catches Zion just under the jaw.
Richard Parker: HE GOT ALL OF THAT!
Turnbull slides in for the count.
Nick Stuart: Real Love Darin Zion is out here showing you that love can prevail, Richard.
Richard Parker: This is Zion we’re talking about here, right? Like he drowned a man in chocolate like six months ago. You want his Real Love to prevail?
Nick Stuart: Well now that you put it like…
Pleasant gets to his feet and drags Zion up by the hair. Pleasant tries to get Zion up on his shoulders but Zion begins kicking frantically. Pleasant drops Zion down to the side and Zion is furiously elbowing Pleasant in the side of the head. Darin takes a step out of the grasp and winds up at a dazed Arthur Pleasant. He spins again and Pleasant catches him with a throat jab. Turnbull starts to yell at Pleasant but he scoops Zion up onto his shoulders, and heaves him over his head, falling with Zion he gets his knees up and Zion crashes down across Arthur’s knees.
Richard Parker: THAT’S IT!
Nick Stuart: Turnbull has to allow that throat jab it would have only been a warning…
Pleasant hooks both legs and Turnbull slides in for the count.
DING DING DING
Pleasant rolls off of Zion and sneers down at him as Zion slowly crawls to the side of the ring holding his throat. Pleasant grins and Zion shakes his head.
Vince Howard: Your winner by pinfall… ARRRRRRRTHUR PLLLLLLLLLEASANT!
Nick Stuart: Great match from two great competitors…
Richard Parker: TEETH! THE MAN HAS TEETH! Look at those things Nick. Absolute chompers. I’m going to ask Santa if he’ll get me a set.