DAVID NOBLE VS. GARRY RAY-RAY BOLAMBA
It’s time… for REVIVAL 36! And first… SIGNS!
LOOK AT THE STINKY RUSSIA MAN!
I BURNED MY BRUDGES AND NOW I’M IN TROUBLE WITH BRUDGE LAW
THE PRESENCE OF DOM WINTERS IMPLIES THE EXISTENCE OF REY WINTERS
I’D RATHER BE IN ANOTHER BRACKET
OUR BABY IS DUE IN FIVE DAYS, FIRST WRESTLER TO HUG MY WIFE GETS NAMING RIGHTS
REMEMBER TO LEAVE LUNCH MEATS AND APPLE JUICE BY YOUR STORM DRAIN FOR TUNNEL KING WENTWORTH TONIGHT
JENNY COLTON IS THE ONLY COLTON WE CARE ABOUT!
DEFUND THE POLICE WHO DISRESPECTED DAYTONA DIAMONDS
CHARTS, GRAPHS, UP ARROWS, THAT SORT OF THING
GREAT RUSSIAN FANS OF PRIME ALL SPEAK AS ONE: CLARENCE, YOU GO AND FUCK SELF!
I’M HERE FOR THE BELMONT CLASSIC BUT I’M VERY EARLY AND IN THE WRONG BUILDING
CLARENCE WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU, YOUR ASS IS STILL GRASS
ARE YOU HERE FOR THE BLEEPS, THE SWEEPS, AND THE CREEPS?
THE WHAT, THE WHAT, AND THE WHAT?!
GARRY THOUGHT DAYTONA DIAMONDS WAS A NASCAR THEMED DANCER
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF YOU WRESTLED DAYTONA DIAMONDS IN THE PARKING LOT OF SOLDIER FIELD
DO YOU EVER WONDER HOW THESE ELITE ATHLETES WOULD FAIR IN A LOW STAKES WRITING CONTEST? #PRIMETHOUGHTS
Nick Stuart: Well folks here we go with another first round match in the Almasy. This one is bound to be interesting as the two competitors are not PRIME regulars.
Richard Parker: And don’t forget all the noise that David Noble made with those KING vignettes.
“Brick and mortar
Blood and water
Goin harder
Firestarter”
The PRIME*TRON comes alive as the lights dim inside of the Enterprise Center. David Noble’s name is scrawled across the screen in red letters before fading away to a rotation of clips outlining his career, primarily in PRIME and DEFIANCE. He emerges from the backstage area, alone, wearing a pair of black wrestling boots and blue jeans.
“This ain’t a threat, it’s a promise
I been floating like a butterfly
That’s word up to Muhammad
Time for blowing up atomic”
Vince Howard: Introducing first, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 245lbs… from Buffalo, New York… DAAAAVID NOOOOOOOOOOOOBLE!!!
He marches down to the ring with a mixture of boos and cheers from those gathered in the audience. He looks straight forward, not interested in the fans around him, but focused on the match ahead. He rolls underneath the bottom rope and makes his way to the opposite set of ropes, placing his left foot on the middle rope and his right foot on the bottom rope before throwing his right hand up.
“That’s how you know I’m a fighter
I push through the pain
Rise from the flames
That’s how you know I’m a fighter”
He then makes his way to a corner of his choosing and sits in the corner, waiting for the match to start.
Nick Stuart: Looks like David Noble is here and ready for a fight. Only a matter of time now!
The opening cymbal from “Carmina Burina: O Fortuna” by the London Philharmonic Orchestra crashes throughout the arena. The lights in the arena immediately fade to an eerie white light emanating from the advertising board and multiple bright white spotlights shooting to one spot on the stage.
Richard Parker: What in the hell…
Vince Howard: And his opponent, standing 6’9” tall and weighing 235 lbs… he hails from Bolambaland by way of Nelson County, Kentucky. He IS the leader of the sovereign nation Bolambaland, He IS the Generalissimo of the Monster Menagerie. HE IS THE BANG! HARDWEIGHT CHAMPION! HE IS A SECOND GENERATION SUPERSTAR! THE BEST SON OF TIMO BOLAMBA! GAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYY RAAAAAAY-RAAAAY BOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBBBBBBAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nick Stuart: Is there confetti falling from the rafters?
Richard Parker: They are business cards Nick, they are business cards for the sovereign nation of Bolambaland. Jesus, this has Dale Earnhardt’s picture on the other side…
During the longest Vince Howard introduction for an opener ever, (just because I probably only get one of these and I’m going to make the most of it) the Bolambaland’s Monster Army had lined the way to the ring, in full Dale Earnhardt themed military attire. The music continues on, because this is a long fucking song.
Richard Parker: What the hell has this kid spent Timo’s money on…
Nick Stuart: Less than we spent on Jiles at the pay-per view.
Richard Parker: I hate that so much.
The Generalissimo finally steps out from behind the curtain. Black steel heeled boots appear first before finally the giant Kentuckian blesses us with his presence from the back. He stands at the top of the ramp staring down at David Noble in the ring. His eyes never waiver but a snarl creeps across his lip.
Nick Stuart: I heard that Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba was INFURIATED by KING’s attack on the Anglo Luchador, and Garry is here to destroy everything KING related as retaliation.
Richard Parker: I hate so many of those words. Like, almost all of them.
Finally the Monster Army snaps to attention, raising their arms to their heads and offering a salute, Garry begins his march to the ring and stops and salutes each member of the Menagerie. Lord Kurosame-sama folds in behind Garry and walks down to the ring behind the Generalissimo. Garry rounds the corner and marches slowly up the ring steps. He pauses and wipes his boots off, before stepping his teenager cosplaying M. Bison looking ass through the ropes.
Jimmy Turnbull quickly checks both competitors before signaling for the bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: Here we go, ladies and gents. This ought to be an interesting match with the cast iron skillet hands of The Generalissimo Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba versus the iron will of David Noble.
Richard Parker: A will that has been tempered by experience… Still, there is something magnetic about Garry. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but he just has this charm about him.
Nick Stuart: Is it the dumb demeanor? His happy go lucky attitude?
Richard Parker: No, that isn’t it. Bah, let’s just watch the guys fight.
Garry and David Noble size one another up in the ring, circling like two wolves vying over the slot of alpha. Both men know that the other is dangerous, but one of them (specifically the one that looks like Larry Bird) has been honed to his craft so specifically that to the casual observer, it might appear nothing is happening… but that is far from the truth.
Noble darts in, but he is a bit rusty and quickly rebuffed by Bolamba’s length. As soon as he tries getting inside, Garry push-kicks him back ala Jon Jones. This goes on for a bit, and before long Jimmy Turnbull is warning Garry to engage David Noble, though it isn’t specifically against the rules to do what he is doing.
Nick Stuart: There are some antsy fans in the arena tonight, partner.
Richard Parker: Of course they want to see a slugfest, not a circle…
Nick Stuart: Richard!
Richard Parker: What? I was going to say circle dance.
Nick Stuart: Uh-huh.
Eventually, Noble senses the crowd getting restless and decides enough is enough. He darts in, dodging the straight kick and going for a dragon screw takedown with the outstretched leg. The lanky Generalissimo tumbles to the ground, flailing wildly as he does. Noble is on top of him in an instant, looking to push the pace and wear the tall man down.
Garry grabs David by the face, yes, his hand is as big as David’s entire face, and shoves him backwards sending Noble tumbling. Ray-Ray gets to a knee as Noble charges back in and he swings his mighty right hand so fast that David doesn’t see it coming. It knocks Noble off his feet and as the momentum carries the smaller man into the ropes, he lays over the middle rope ala an area code named luchador move.
Richard Parker: You don’t think he’s thinking about a 502 or an 859 do you?
Nick Stuart: A what?
Richard Parker: Never mind. Just call the action in the ring and quit being a joykill.
The gangly Bolamba rolls out of the ring and reaches all the way back to Nelson County to deliver the next iron paint brush. He slaps David so hard that you could swear the high pitched sound of a fighter going down in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out reverberates through the arena.
Nick Stuart: Golly! That sounded like a thunderclap!
Richard Parker: David Noble has no clue what to make of The Generalissimo!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think anyone does!
Back in the ring, Noble is trying to shake the tweety birds from his head and sees Garry stomping toward him with a big military boot. He rolls out of the way of a stomp just in time, then another, finally a third and when the third boot thuds on the ring, David sweeps Garry’s legs out from under him and begins going to work with clubbing forearms.
Now it’s Garry’s turn to go on the defensive, and he covers up while turtling on his back. He isn’t used to fighting off his feet and it shows. David builds a head of steam and lifts Garry back up, only to hit him with a knife edge chop. The Pride of Bolamba Island and sole heir to Timo’s vast treasure recoils before swinging back.
But David has him timed now and ducks the palm. It wooshes over his head like a B29 Super Fortress leaving a wake of roaring engine noise. Another knife edge chop backs Garry to the ropes. Another nearly topples the power forward built wrestler. Another big swat hitting the air and followed by Noble leaping in the air to deliver a monster headbutt placed right under Bolamba’s chin! Garry teeters precariously and dramatically, wobbling his arms in the air as he does.
Nick Stuart: TIMBER!!!
Garry falls forward, crashing into the mat hard, and David is there quickly with the pin. The consummate Jimmy Turnbull slides into place and begins his count.
ONE!
.
TWO!!
.
.
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: Garry is on instinct at this point, but he is still just too green to be put away.
Richard Parker: I don’t know why but I feel compelled to put in a dip and break out my Dad’s Winston Cup windbreaker.
Nick Stuart: Some notions are better left unexplored, partner.
Outside the ring the Monster army is looking a bit worried, but their fearless leader isn’t out of this just yet. Lord Kurosame-sama shouts words of encouragement to Garry and slaps on the mat.
Lord Kurosame-sama: SHARK!
Naturally, Bolamba understands the message and as David reaches down to grab Garry by the hair and lift him up, the young man unleashes a slap from below that would make a slow motion editor on Rocky proud. David’s hair goes one way and his face goes the other, and he stumbles backward, seeing three of Ray-Ray as the Pride of Nelson County gets to his feet and charges back into the fray with a series of looping chops to the head.
As Noble stumbles around, Garry kicks him in the gut with his comical military boots and sticks David’s head into a piledriver position. The Generalissimo turns in the ring with his arms stretched out wide before hooking David’s waist and hauling his feet into the air.
Nick Stuart: I have a feeling David Noble’s about to take a ride on a big green tractor!
Richard Parker: Ey! That’s a pretty good one, Nick!
Nick Stuart: Thanks!
The Generalissimo lifts Noble vertically, then leaps back, spiking him with a vicious piledriver! The veteran flops to the ground and Garry leaps to the second turnbuckle, fired up.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: RAISE HELL?
Crowd: PRAISE DALE!
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: RAISE HELL?
Crowd: PRAISE DALE!
Garry finishes playing to the crowd and turns around to see David looking out of it. The young Bolamba helps him to his feet where he stands, wobbly. The veteran tries to take a swing, but he’s ready and Garry knows it. The Generalissimo whips Noble off the ropes, spins with a huge whorl of energy and decimates David with Blood on the Plow.
Nick Stuart: There it is! Blood on the Plow! Richard, you get the feeling this one is coming to a close pretty quick, even though Noble was game and put up a good fight!
Richard Parker: He’s unorthodox and he might have the grace of a giraffe, but man that guy can dish out a three piece and a soda.
Garry drops to the mat and hooks a leg. Before he can look for the ref, Jimmy Turnbull is in position and counting.
ONE!
.
TWO!!
.
.
THREE!!!
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: Wow, that was a hard fought match and despite David Noble’s best efforts it just wasn’t enough. I wonder if he… wait, what are you doing Richard?
Richard Parker: I’m saluting the Generalissimo! Why aren’t you?
Nick shakes his head as Richard stands at attention and pays homage to Garry.
Nick Parker: I need a raise.
And on that bombshell, we cut to a pre-tape.