Deuteronomy 25:2 and a Whitman’s Sampler
Nick Stuart: Up next, we will finally hear from John Kennedy Royko Jr. unmasked and here to tell all. His Fiancée Aurora has been begging for this to happen, and our own Angelica Brooks, a friend of Auroras, has managed to secure the interview!
Richard Parker: Aurora is a jaded crazed ex-lover and I’m sure that will be explained here tonight. Hopefully Brooks will ask Royko about the Timo’s fast count at Culture Shock.
Nick Stuart: Buying into the propaganda again hey Saint Parker?
Richard Parker: I have it on good authority that The Anglo Luchador and Timo Bolamba went out to dinner the other night, and that crooked Bolamba picked up the tab. Collusion at Culture Shock I tell ya.
Nick Stuart: You mean you saw it on Jabber? That’s your good authority?
Richard Parker: I mean the arrogance of being that open about their relationship is telling. You’ve never seen Tom Brady having dinner with NFL referee Tony Corrente!
Nick Parker: Let’s send it to the entrance way where Angelica Brooks is standing by.
The camera cuts to the top of the entrance ramp where two director style chairs are situated with Angelica Brooks in one, and the other empty. The camera cuts to the crowd where Aurora Jennings the fiancée of John Kennedy Royko Jr. is in her seat just off to the side of the ramp way set up.
Angelica Brooks: Thank you Nick and Richard. On March 4th John Kennedy Royko Jr. spoke for the last time as he put on a mask and seemingly become the monster known as Balaam “The Mask of Malice”. We found out a week later that Hoyt Williams was behind it, and many have questioned if John Kennedy Royko Jr. has ben wearing the mask of his own free will, or if he has been brain washed by Hoyt’s Witnesses. JK Rokyo’s fiancée the beautiful Aurora asked me to get to the bottom of the mystery and now almost two months after putting on the mask, here is John Kennedy Royko Jr. to speak for himself.
“Possum Kingdom” By the Toadies starts to play as the entrance way has blue smoke pouring from it. The crowd waits with anticipation as all eyes are on the entrance.
Richard Parker: When did Angelica Brooks become Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote?
Nick Stuart: Glad to see you keeping up with the times Richard.
Richard Parker: You like your Orgasmi, folding things. I like classic television.
Nick Stuart: Origami.
The lyrics “Do you want to die” echo through the arena as the song is playing for an uncomfortably long period of time with nobody coming out. Angelica Brooks can be seen trying to look behind her from her sitting position when suddenly the song ends cold as the smoke starts to fade away.
Nick Stuart: Come on now.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH….
The first line of Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus” starts cold. Suddenly a strobe light starts flashing to the rhythmic beat of the song. The crowd jeers loudly at Hoyt’s music.
Nick Stuart: I should have known we’d get some b.s.
Richard Parker: Stand up Nick, our Savior is here!!! He has risen!!
Nick Stuart: Not my savior.
“Your Personal Jesus” Hoyt Williams enters from the back wearing a white suit with a gold cape. A snow-white owl sits on his shoulder, he walks with a golden cane with a skull head that resembles PRIME’S first booker Sebs. Hoyt makes his way to the chairs. He looks at them and wags his finger “No” at Angelica Brooks. He taps his cane twice on the ground and from the back enter two followers wearing Angelo Luchador masks who pick up and take the director like chair away. Angelica Brooks does not look happy. The Pontiff of Prime taps the group four times and four bigger men, again in Angelo Luchador masks, carry out a throne of gold with a very comfortable looking red cushion. The masked men set the throne next to Angelica Brooks. Hoyt places the owl on top of the chair and does a few Jumping Jacks for Jesus before hiking up his pants and sitting down. He has a big smile on his face. Aurora Jennings is shown in the crowd, and she looks pissed.
Nick Stuart: What a smug pud.
Angelica Brooks: You ARE NOT JK ROYKO JR.
Hoyt Williams: You have slightly better vision than the PRIME refs. I am NOT John Kennedy Royko Jr. for he is no longer. I AM your savior, the PONTIFF OF PRIME, and the GREATEST wrestler to ever grace the PRIME ring. I am HOYT WILLIAMS. Would you like to do some jumping Jacks for Jesus with me? Because remember, God doesn’t let the obese into heaven as clouds have a weight limit and looking out at this Vegas girth, I know most of you are going to sink to hell. By the way WE have decided to sell our T-shirts, the NEW Hoyt Williams WWHD 2022, ONLY in sizes Small to Large. I don’t want to contribute to the unhealthy state of wrestling any longer.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hoyt stands up and does a few more jumping jacks before laughing and sits back down.
Hoyt Williams: It’s ok Brooks we also don’t let in the red hairs in either.
Hoyt stares at the interviewers’ roots.
Angelica Brooks: Where is JK Royko?
Hoyt Williams: Funny you should ask. He is way too sore to travel after taking his flogging thanks to the horrible Bolamba Botch. Because of the Bolamba ten count debacle at Culture Shock Balaam had to learn a lesson, so he was sentenced to ten floggings.
Hoyt smacks his right hand into his left hand hard ten times as he stares off to the side into the eyes of Aurora Jennings.
Hoyt Williams: Ten floggings. Ten times a day. Ten days straight. Look at that back!
ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE
The PRIMEView shows a picture of Balaam’s back slashed up and bloody. Aurora loses it and jumps the guard rail with tears flowing from her eyes. Security grabs her and takes her away as Hoyt just shakes his head in disgust and points at the graphic photos laughing. He waves goodbye to Aurora mockingly rubbing fake tears from his eyes.
Hoyt Williams: Can you please get your show under control Brooks? I knew I shouldn’t have granted you an interview and should have left it to a creditable journalist like Saint “Big” Dick Parker.
Nick Stuart: Please.
Hoyt Williams: Balaam’s demented psycho ex-girlfriend spreading more lies about the freedom of Balaam. Laughable. So, thank the “Samoan crowd Silencer” Timbore BoLAMMMMBa for the punishment that prevented Balaam from being here. Timo’s to blame, like always.
Angelica Brooks: No man would take a lashing like that freely. Have you enslaved John Kennedy Royko Jr?
Hoyt Williams: Like Bobby Dean and a chicken leg you just won’t let this go. You could be stuck interviewing some dullard like “Simple” Sid Phillips but instead you have the SON OF GOD and yet all you do is ask about my ward? I don’t know how many times I have to say this. Balaam, like all wrestlers, is an independent contractor. I don’t own him. The man can sing Lesley Gore all night long if he wants. He just must do everything I say when contracted, plus I don’t have to provide him health insurance that’s how independent contracts work. It’s a great deal for everyone. Of course, he’s “free” the word “Independent” is in his title. Now we can sit here and quibble over contracts and magical masks OR I can give these fans a gift and the PRIME roster a major opportunity.
Angelica Brooks: Next REVIVAL can I speak with John Kennedy Royko Jr? I just want to hear it from him it’s my moralistic, and journalistic responsibility, to make sure this man’s well being is answered for in his own voice.
The savior of wrestling rolls his eyes as he pulls out his iPhone.
Hoyt Williams: Hey Siri open calendar.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hoyt takes a moment to look at his phone while the crowd uses the silence to jeer.
Hoyt Williams: Yikes. Turns out he’s getting some dental work done the same day as the show. We don’t want him drooling like Bobby Dean at the moon pie factory. We have decency. So, no. It’s just not going to work. You know I’m actual offended. You sit on your high horse and talk about “moralistic responsibility” yet where are you on that Timo Ten Count controversy? Where are you on Timo and Anglo having dinner together like the Seinfeld crew at the diner? Where are you on the religious oppression I have faced since returning to PRIME? I’m appalled. I spoke today with PRIME’s archivist, and he agreed with me that Anglo’s win will forever be in the record books with an asterisk.
YOU’RE AN ASTERISK *CLAP CLAP* YOU’RE AN ASTERISK…
The Pontiff stops for a minute to listen to the crowd.
Hoyt Williams: I don’t even know what that means? You know what it’s true I am a symbol, a sign, A STAR!!
God’s champion stands up and curtseys to the crowd sarcastically.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hoyt Williams: Also until the Snoreoan crowd Silencer Blimpo boLAMMMMBa brings me a Whiteman’s chocolate Sampler and an apology card for his fast count, there will be NO John Kennedy Royko Jr. interviews.
The blue-eyed angel looks dead eye into the camera.
Hoyt Williams: TAL. Cheap Mask. I know you have been flirting with the God’s and that’s a death wish for a mortal. You think it’s over, but the opera is just getting started. For the holy ghost will haunt you until the moment of your judgement returns. Go on in peace. Peace be with you…until I decided to take it away.
The owl turns its head sidewise as Hoyt smiles an evil looking grin.
Hoyt Williams: As for Balaam’s next victim I want temptation to bring the gluttony out of our next damnation. I want the cheese to lure the rat before the metal snaps and their neck broken inches away from their desires. So, a bounty is to be placed on the back of Balaam.
Richard Parker: A bounty on his own guy? What a selfless man, a deity of delight!
Hoyt Williams: I want my hunter to be hunted for that will strengthen his senses. 50 thousand to the first MAN to pin Balaam legally in the ring. Take him down, and 50 thousand is yours. But be warned for Balaam will break the weak and stomp the faithless. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Angelica Brooks: Well, the challenge is set. As if he has a choice in the matter. I would say thank you for your time, but I feel like you wasted all of ours.
Hoyt Williams: Rude. Even the press here in PRIME push an agenda against me. I know we have some of Hoyt’s Witnesses in the crowd who stand by me and believe. I know you all crave my body! You too Brooks.
Hoyt tugs on his suit coat and raises his eyebrows seductively at Brooks who looks repulsed. The owl is not amused.
Hoyt Williams: How could you not when I treat my body like a temple and you people treat yours like a tent. I have given my body to wrestling. Tonight, right now, a will give you all my body again!!!
Hoyt stands up tall and looks up to the roof like he’s in a community theater play.
Hoyt Williams: Look up to the skies!!!! Tilt your head back!! Stick out your tongue like you’re trying to catch a snowflake and wait for my load!! Oh yeaaaa.
From the heavens, or more so cargo nets attached to the rafter, round holy wafers spill out fluttering down towards the crowd. It’s raining Hoyt sacrament.
Richard Parker: I want one!! The crowd is literally eating this up!!
Nick Stuart: I apologize to our viewers for the behavior of Hoyt Williams. Absolutely disgusting.
Richard Parker: He’s giving us his body!!! What a legend.
Hoyt Williams: Enjoy the body of Hoyt!!!! AMEN!! As a matter of fact I’m not done yet how about a second load???!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hoyt raises his hands and this time the crowd actually cheers as more wafers start their journey fluttering down to the masses. Hoyt spins around like he’s Bruno Mars, drops the microphone, and moonwalks to the back.
Some in the crowd are catching the wafers on their tongues, some are collecting them, some are throwing them at others. One fan holds one up to the camera and we see it has the “WWHD” carved into it. Angelica Brooks just looks defeated as she starts walking to the back.
Nick Stuart: We just learned nothing on the condition of John Kennedy Royko Jr. what a waste of time.
Richard Parker: Waste of time? We just received the body of Hoyt and there is a 50-thousand-dollar bounty for the first person to pin Balaam. Amazing.