Doozer’s Undeterred Idiots
We cut backstage to a shot of a random door.
This particular door leans against a wall, with all of its hinges still intact. It appears to have been removed from its frame and left here in the interim. Why? Because it was the only way that 55-gallon drum of Astroglide was going to get into the room, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
The largest tribe in Survivor stands gathered once more. Among them are 8 grown men, their cheering section of inanimate mascots, and yet somehow not a single adult among the lot. Despite Doozer closing in on five decades young.
So. About that Astroglide.
To the folks at the MGM Grand, the young man wearing heavy latex gloves and working the pump on the industrial-sized tub of lube is known as the “poor son of a bitch responsible for making sure King Blueberry doesn’t accidentally burn down the casino.” His friends and family just call him Mark. Today, Mark has the dubious responsibilty of squirtig heavy globs of sex grease into his hands so that he can lube down “Beautiful” Bobby Dean.
Don’t get weird. This has everything to do with reducing the coefficient of friction on the slide, and nothing at all to do with the big man’s big thirst.
Probably a little bit of the latter, if we’re being honest.
Nearby, King Blueberry looks up from filling the gas tank of a weapons-grade leaf blower and shares a quick glance with his beleaguered babysitter. After tonight, Mark’s friends will also start calling him “Doctor Lovejuice.”
King Blueberry: (mouthing the word) Sorry.
Mark, no doubt questioning every life decision that led him to this point, squirts another glob of goo into his hand and gets back to lubin’.
For the viewers at home, an inset clip appears in the lower-right corner of their screen, showing the stone-faced visage of El Hijo del Super Cool Guy in front of a Survivor-themed backdrop. There is a noticeable lack of tiki torches, and no, we cannot imagine why. A warning appears along with this feed:
The views expressed by El Hijo del Super Cool Guy are his own, and do not reflect the opinions of PRIME, the MGM Grand, or the Ace Network. Viewer discretion is advised.
Can’t imagine what that might be about.
El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy: …
For the next few seconds nothing happens, until whatever is propping the mannequin up gives way, and the dummy topples over. The inset clip ends.
Meanwhile, back in the room where these fools are gathered, King Blueberry takes a break from using the leaf blower to reenact scenes from Predator to suggest a thing. A very, very dumb thing.
King Blueberry: So how do we feel about distractions? Because I’ve got a thought. What if – and hear me out on this one – Colton makes good on his threat.
A moment of confusion falls over the group.
King Blueberry: From Jabber.
And then, for at least one of them, it starts to click.
King Blueberry: To show hog.
Another inset appears, this time showing the masked visage of over-all bad idea machine, King Blueberry.
King Blueberry: What? Don’t pretend that wouldn’t confuse the shit out of people if the guy just started helicoptering his happy ass off in the middle of the Baron’s slip ‘n slide spectacular. You gonna tell me you’d be able to solve a puzzle in that case? Because I bet you’d be legit mesmerized. Transfixed. Hypnotized.
King Blueberry: I have given this way too much thought, haven’t I?
Nate Colton: I swear to God that wasn’t–
With a deliberate clearing of his throat, The Elder Bandit also known as Doozer slowly stands to his feet and politely gestures to the Blue One.
Doozer: May I?
King Blueberry nods, reciprocating the respect shown from The Dooze.
Doozer: I think what this all boils down to, and honestly it’s right in line with the wishes of our very own Team Nate-
The Old Bull shoots Filmix and Colton a look of admiration.
Doozer: Is that our strategy here for this next challenge is simple.
The bold statement catches the attention of Tribe DUI.
Doozer: It’s safe to say, most of you couldn’t put a puzzle together if it came with instructions. Personally, I’ve seen Dean in action and I have a hard time believing the majority of you others could do any better. And I’m pretty sure there’s some monkeys who could, with their eyes closed.
Some seem to take a little offense. Bobby shrugs in agreement.
Doozer: EXCEPT… for those two.
The Boston Bruiser raises his right hand, pointing its index and middle finger toward each member of Team Nate.
Doozer: So, while the Nates and I tackle the puzzle. The rest of you idiots need to sabotage. Just so we’re clear, the other teams. Like Bobby, you’re fat, do fat stuff. Maybe eat some cake while hovering over their puzzle pieces, getting crumbs all over so they can’t recognize patterns.
The scene quickly cuts to Bobby Dean, sitting on a stool in front of the tribal council set. He’s devouring chocolate bundt cake.
Bobby Dean: BEST. ASSIGNMENT. EVER!
It cuts back.
Doozer: Team Canadian Pornstars, do weird Canadian stuff. Ask them a bunch of weird questions, ending with that loud, annoying “EH?” crap every time. Then just keep apologizing until they lose it. Maybe they’ll apologize. And you can apologize for making them apologize. Whatever works.
King Blueberry: Isn’t just the one guy Canadian?
Doozer: Blueberry… well… just be yourself, alright?
King Blueberry holds his leaf blower aloft. He cocks the barrel, making the accompanying KA-CHAK sound with his mouth.
Doozer: That all being said, it’d be remiss to go without thanking our Canadian brothers for the final push last contest.
King Blueberry: Seriously, I think Trent’s from California…
Doozer: Solid Gold, you two crazy Canucks are the reason we’ve got the advantage in numbers going into this challenge. I might hate your hockey teams, but hats off fellas.
The Elder Bandit grows a smile and literally lifts the cap atop his head for a moment, before returning it home.
Doozer: And lastly, moving focus from the past to the future…
His smile quickly fades as his blue eyes light up, focused.
Doozer: Filmix. Colton. I’ll be there to help. But you two own the only sane, fresh minds in this group. This challenge is ultimately on you.
The smile returns, but looks different in nature this time.
Doozer: I’d just think of it like… If we lose… and if you two are the main reason why… I’d wonder… You know, if it were me… who’d get voted off?
The Dooze winks toward the Nates, stretching that peculiar smile.
Another inset clip pops up on the screen, this time featuring the face of PRIME newcomer Nate Colton.
Nate Colton: It was tough to hear, but the old man wasn’t wrong. We need to make ourselves indispensable to the tribe, so that even if we don’t win the game, we get to stick around. Boogie and Boots showed everyone how it’s done at Culture Shock; Filmix and I need to do the same thing tonight. We’re going to show the world that we’re not going anywhere, and in a few months you’ll see us with those tag team titles.
He sets his jaw, hoping to project confidence and conviction to the viewing audience.
Nate Colton: Also, that Mark kid needs a raise. Whatever he’s getting paid, I can promise you it’s not enough.
No one disagrees.
Doozer: Let’s do this, fellas! Here’s to DUI! Doozer’s Undeterred Idiots! ONWARD!