DRUG ABUSE
Elsewhere being backstage at the Paycorn Arena to be greeted by Abe and the Black Metal Friends. SELMA and Misereé seem to be the ones most prepared for this segment, however – their attention both facing forward and ready to address the PRIME audience. As usual, they’re head to toe in the black leather garb and grim face paint. A the B is presently preoccupied with posing in front of a separate camera, held by the guy we simply know as Purvis. Apparently, he wasn’t the one who requested this particular interview time. Or, he didn’t seem to give a care. Either way, it’s the Torture Baroness and the Scorched Seraphim who are the focal point for this evening, and they’ve got something to say!
Misereé: Horrible evening to you all. Tonight, you all will once again see this manchild go one on one with the scholarly Ned Reform in an attempt for vindication. And with any luck, it will culminate what critics are calling ‘the worst wrestling feud of all time.’
Lipschitz does not seem to take any offense to these remarks. Mostly because he isn’t paying any attention. He’s motioning for Purvis to make sure that he gets a close up of each and every brace on his teeth.
Misereé: So, this is a call to you, the fans. As much as it brings me great pleasure for you all to be in a state of melancholy, with more and more of the same Abe Lipschitz crap, I urge you to make your voices heard. SELMA…
Even the screaming of her name is not enough to deter Lipschitz.
Misereé: …has now been a member of the PRIME roster for nearly two months, yet has not been offered the opportunity to showcase her sadistic in-ring abilities. So, I need you to bombard Jabber with a simple request. Give the Sea Monstress her chance. Our patience is beginning t…
Abe Lipschitz: HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY best buds, what’s up?
Misereé’s plea is interrupted abruptly by their third wheel, who squeezes in between them and puts his arms around both of their shoulders. Misereé is quick to distance herself. However, SELMA responds in kind by spinning him around to face her and giving him a huge hug!
Abe Lipschitz: Now that’s wha–ekkk…ekkk…little too tight there, queen.
It’s a hug that nearly squeezes out his innards from every orifice, though. SELMA eventually releases him but not without giving him a death glare.
Misereé: What the hell, Abe? Once again, you find it necessary to INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TRYI…
Abe Lipschitz: Yeah! That’s it! Give us some tension for the boney footie, Reé. This is what they pay to see.
Misereé stares at him, blinking.
Misereé: …’boney footie’?
Abe cracks a grin and puts his hand up to pretend as though he’s talking to the camera that Purvis is holding.
Abe Lipschitz: See guys, she’s not really down with the showbiz lingo. That’s what folks in the know call bonus footage for short.
SELMA shakes her head.
Misereé: No one calls it that. Ever. Not once. And why are you still filming for your dumb documentary? Didn’t you already release it?
Abe Lipschitz: This isn’t for Jay Man. This is boney footie for EnlightNed: The Life and Times of Ned Reform. It’s a deep dive into the storied academic and wrestling career of my once bitter rival turned good friend.
Misereé: Wow. And what’s his opinion on the film so far?
Abe Lipschitz: Uh. Well, he doesn’t really know about it yet. It’s kind of a surprise.
Misereé is at a loss for words for a moment, letting an awkward pause set over them.
Misereé: So you’re shooting a documentary about a guy who’s not even in the documentary.
Abe lifts a brow, sensing the heavy judgment wafting his way. He immediately goes on the defensive.
Abe Lipschitz: It’s not a documentary, you butthole! It’s a biopic.
Misereé: Oh. And I assume you’re playing Ned, huh?
Abe Lipschitz: Of course not. The audience would never buy Ned as someone this cute. I’m playing Ned’s younger stepbrother, Drobert.
Misereé: Oh. Well, I know I’m going to regret asking this. Who’s playing Ned?
Abe Lipschitz: Some nobody. Hey, here he comes now!
While you’re most likely expecting someone like Scurvy Jones, El Hijo del Señor Ass, or “Wrangler” Gene Toughskins to make his way into view, this might come as a little bit of surprise. Coming from behind the curtain? Someone who looks nothing like Ned Reform. And it’s apparent he’s not even trying.
Purvis: (ducking his head) What the hell?
No, it’s not an egg who is playing Ned Reform. It is the thrower of said egg, however. None other than Cancer Jiles pops in, using the lens of Purvis’ camera to adjust his hair. Yes, the former PRIME World Champion, now regulated to doing segments with the low card. Friendly reminder that this could be you someday, mother fuckers.
Cancer Jiles: Hello. My name is Ned. I’m a snake doctor and have this wonderful new tonic you should try. It boosts vigor and tastes delicious. Would you like some?
Abe Lipschitz: You don’t have to be in character until th— you know what, nevermind. Probably better off this way. So, Doctor, does it have eggs?
The COOLYMPIAN turned doctor holds out a cup for all to see. On the side written in black marker is the word TONIC.
Cancer Jiles: Zero eggs involved.
Abe nods agreeingly.
Abe Lipschitz: Might actually be good then. Does it always come in an unlabeled styrofoam cup like that?
Cancer Jiles: No, you can buy this all over the world. Even in uncivilized, underdeveloped places like the state of Georgia.
Abe Lipschitz: Easy Doc, you need to work on that bedside manner. It’s a little informal there. Tighten it up for the performance.
The Maestro of COOL nods, leaving one to wonder what tonic it is that he took to go along so willingly with Abe’s movie. Might be the hangover from yesterday.
Abe Lipschitz: Now tell me Doc, there’s nothing funny in there, is… there? I’ll know. I don’t do drugs. Not even caffeine. Or the purple Benadryl.
Cancer Jiles: Well that is good because you wouldn’t want to mix them together. As for my elixir, this is caffeine free. It’s Mountain Dew’s newest tonic, Caffeine Free Mountain Dew. It’s pep and zaz in a bottle or can with none of the debilitating side effects. You will not become addicted to drugs after drinking five of these everyday.
Abe Lipschitz: Sweet! Good enough for me!
As Abe begins to chug the caffeine not-free beverage, the scene cuts abruptly.