eGG BANDIT LUMBERJACK MATCH: CANCER JILES VS. CORAL AVALON
Nick Stuart: Up next, a chance encounter that turned into…
Richard Parker: This.
Nick Stuart: Thank you, Richard.
The arena lights slowly draw to a dim.
A cool breeze makes its way throughout the crowd.
Smoke begins to billow at the top of the entrance ramp.
Nick Stuart: It’s real simple tonight. If Jiles wins, Coral is an eGG Bandit. If Jiles loses, Coral is not.
Richard Parker: That might be the only simple thing that happens during this match tonight.
Nick Stuart: Well Rich, you’re right about that. It is a Lumberjack Match afterall. And not only that, and eGG Bandit Lumberjack Match.
Up on the Crumbotron a gigantic egg appears. Slowly, the shell begins to crack until finally the first seventeen inches Coral Avalon’s forehead hatches through. So his hairline. Then, much to the surprise of the Chicago audience, SIRIUS by the Alan Parsons Project starts to reverberate through the sound system.
Nick Stuart: Oh wow. Talk about your shots across the bow.
Richard Parker: Add Jiles trying to get us killed to the list of reasons I hope his eyes rot out through his asshole. They wouldn’t have to go very far considering his asshole is where his mouth is.
The PRIMEates in attendance leap to their feet after being overcome with the frenzies.
Out from the back and with a microphone in his hand; standing tall amongst the smoke is former Cracking News Network Lead Anchor, Chris Chickentenders. Chris is wearing a tuxedo, egg shell in color, because the occasion is quite the extravagant one. There’s also a plastic shield of sorts for him to stand behind should anyone in the audience think about littering.
Chris Chickentenders: HELLO, BUTT MUNCHERS!!!!!! I’M CHRIS CHICKENTENDERS AND TONIGHT I HAVE THE ESTEEMED HONOR OF INTRODUCING SOME OF THE FINEST PEOPLE AND OBJECTS INHABITING GOD’S GREEN EARTH!
Chris Chickentenders: WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU…………
Chris Chickentenders: classless butt crumbs….. I’ll show you! ANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDD NOWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The volume of the famed Chicago Bulls theme cranks up to obnoxious levels, almost drowning out the feverish audience.
One by one, the Bandits walk through the cloud of smoke and down to the ring. All of them are wearing matching electric-blue tracksuits for the special occasion. It’s not every day someone joins the Bandits against his own will.
Chris Chickentenders: Leading the charge at a comfortable pace is the Beautiful Bandit with a bottomless belly button! He’s my friend, and the most famous man or dragon to ever come out of Honalee! Former one time winner of a match here in PRIME, it’s BEAUTIFUL BOBBY DEAN!
Oblivious as always, Bobby raises a hand as if to wave a friendly hello to the gathered masses. They do not share the same enthusiasm; probably because of the obnoxiousness of the song.
Chris Chickentenders: Next up, the man, the myth, the mystery! A founding father of the yolk and shell! He’s invisible in your programs, but number one in your butt munching hearts. From Boston ASSachusetts and on a 24 hour YOU CAN SEE ME pass, DOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZERRRRRRR!
The old bull of the Bandits lumbers down the ramp probably wondering about mojitos and whether or not his diaper is going to hold up if he has to take a bump.
Chris Chickentenders: And swimming behind the old bull is the young carp! The former upstart of the eGG Bandits who once dated his cousin for two years and thought it was okay because they both went to the same home school! HA! Here for one night only, ZEBBBB MARTINNNNNNN!
Zeb, being a mild mannered man from Georgia, shakes his head as if to say that never happened. Sadly, since he is from Georgia, no one believes him.
Chris Chickentenders: OH MY GOD THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! IN FIVE PLY, TOO! THE HEART AND SOUL OF THE BANDITS! WADDLING DOWN TO THE RING AND HAILING FROM PARTY WAREHOUSE #970!!!! CARD. BOARD. DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
The crowd pops for CBD because it’s been awhile since he’s last been seen on PPV. They also love cardboard cutouts who have expressways named after them. To be clear the tracksuit is over top of the cutout.
Chris Chickentenders: oh. great. he did show up. that’s… DICK. no, sorry. i mean RICK. he’s bergie’s uncle or something like that because he’s french and likes sniffing glue. he HATES things.
RICK, the massive, mountainous, muscle jobber he is, will never read this, which is ironic because he never read anything back then either.
Chris Chickentenders: Next up, SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! Coming to us from Kaeggsylvania! He’s the deathstroke yellow eyed assassin from Universe 97! The master of the Yolkulelee! MY MAIN MAIMING MAN, MaaaaaaaxxxXXXxxxXXXxxxXXX SHELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
The entire audience goes quiet. Ghostly quiet. Meanwhile, unphased, Max Shell calmly makes his way down to the ring while strumming his famed Yolkulelee in tune with SIRIUS.
Chris Chickentenders: And lastly, the Chief Stew aboard the USS Octane. He’s the Bandits TOP tactical advisor when it comes to maritime warfare. Straight out of Larry’s lunchbox, it’s LASSSSSEEERRRRRR!
Laser, big bald head and all, not like Coral big, but just normal big, joins the other Bandits who are scattered about on the outside of the ring.
Chris Chickentenders: Let’s hear it for your eGG Bandit Lumberjacks!
A few seconds pass.
The crowd’s opposition is growing relentlessly, and it’s about to get even worse. SIRIUS has an electric guitar riff, and being so, during said riff the music seamlessly transitions to the opening guitar riff of “I am the COOL” by Screamin’ Jay.
Coinciding with the seamless switch in music is a bevy of pyros that light up the inside of the arena like it’s the Chinese New Year on cocaine. While the arena is lit up you can catch a glimpse of Cancer Jiles standing at the top of the ramp holding some jerk off pose about the tattoo on his stomach.
“I’m the one your mama warned you about”
“When you see me, I will leave you no doubt”
“I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth”
“I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth”
“I AM THE COOL”
Chris Chickentenders: No. Intro. Needed.
Chris Chickentenders: But I’ll never get this opportunity again so fuck it!
The lights flash on. The spotlights that is, and they are all on Jiles. Tendy is standing like two feet away from him, and is gearing up to scream into his face.
Chris Chickentenders: HAILING FROM COOLYMPUS! THIS GREEK GOD OF COOL IS ON THE REVIVAL ERA OF PRIME’S MOUNT RUSHMORE FOUR TIMES OVER!! HE HAD THE BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR RENAMED AFTER HIM!!! FORMER, UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!!!! FOUNDING FATHER OF THE EGG BANDITS!!!!! FROM!!!!!! COOLYMPUS!!!!!!! HE IS…
Jiles seems to grow an inch with every bit that boosts his ego, and also from the crowd continuously powering up his NaCL levels.
Chris Chickentenders: THE EGGSECUTIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Chris Chickentenders: CANCER. FUCKING. JILESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
The Greek God of COOL squats low, tilts his head back, and goes to release a blast of his yolk mist into the arena’s orbit. However, Tendy was about to become an innocent bystander so Jiles tells him to step aside. Here’s the thing though, Chris doesn’t. He holds firm, closes his eyes, and opens his arms as if to embrace the mist. Technically it would only be raining down on him and not really spit into his eyes.
So, Jiles obliges his request.
Nick Stuart: Just when I thought I had seen it all.
Richard Parker: Let me guess. All of these guys live under the same tent.
Nick Stuart: Ship.
Next, the righteous Eggsecutioner says something to Bandit Boy and the two start making their way down to the ring. They exchange pleasantries with those sitting alongside the entrance ramp. Once they get to ringside, Chris is absorbed by the Army of Bandits that have gathered to help out with Coral’s initiation.
Nick Stuart: Looks like there’s one more lumberjack, Rich. The always imposing 89 pound Chris Chickentenders has joined the fray.
Richard Parker: Gee, whatever will Coral do?
Nick Stuart: Say Rich, I’m noticing something about these lumberjacks. They aren’t too…
Richard Parker: Impressive? Intimidating? I mean one of them is made out of cardboard for fuck’s sake. And Doozer… just look at him. I can smell the shit in his diaper from here. Hopefully he’s got his affairs in order. Oh, and don’t get me started on that RICK guy either. Thank god I never heard of him. And what the fuck size is that tracksuit Dean has on? It looks like they stitched two blankets together.
Jiles gathers the Bandits together in a tight circle. After a brief pep talk, mostly about how thankful he is that the Bandits had all come together like this, but mostly about his hair, they all put their hands in the middle and say 1, 2, 3, eGG Queen! KING COOL then slides under the bottom rope, and berates Timo for a few seconds about the gas mileage on Timo One.
Nick Stuart: Well, that’s one down. One more to go.
The lights go out in Soldier Field, blanketing the stadium in darkness.
There’s a brief pause. A murmur in the crowd. Then the PRIMEview comes alive, treating everyone to an unfamiliar scene.
A hallway, lit only by candles that cast wide shadows through the scene. The camera is set low to the ground, such that the individual sprinting down the hall could barely be seen on the right side of the screen. They ran, and the camera followed until they reached a large set of doors at the end of the hallway. With both hands and a shove, this individual shoves open the doors and shouts.
Messenger: Sire! They’ve come!
The throne room is lit by the sun streaming through the windows in the back of the room. The camera moves past the messenger, and sees three men standing in front of the throne. One is a thinly-built, dashing man with the exact energy of Inigo Montoya. One is a hulking dark-skinned man wearing a curious mask. One is an ugly man in a trilby. The camera pans around them, as the man in the trilby looks bewildered. Like he usually does, if we’re being honest, what with the bug eyes and all. PRIME fans have seen this man before. It’s the Lunch Lawyer, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: What? Who? Who has come!?
The messenger stops to catch his breath. He starts to try and speak, but then he holds out one index finger and breathes some more, so much that the tension in the room begins to evaporate. How long did he run? Does he really exercise? Who knows! After a moment, the messenger finally catches enough of his breath to speak.
Messenger: It’s Bandits, sire!
The dashing man who looks like he’s ready to hunt down any six-fingered men raises an eyebrow. His name is Ignacio, by the way.
Ignacio el Jaguar: Bandits?
The camera moves around the three men clustered together in front of the throne, studying their reactions. Lord Gavin, as bug-eyed as ever, looks as bewildered as a man can look. Especially since his movements are following the camera so that he’s always facing it. “Actor” is among the many, many, many things Gavin is bad at, apparently. Ignacio regards the news of an impending Bandit attack with impossibly measured cool. And Anubis… he hasn’t moved much. Is he asleep?
After fully rotating around the three present members of the Crownless Kingdom, the camera turns to the man seated at the throne. Cast in shadow between the two sunlit windows that flanked his throne, the king stands from his seat. The shadow he casts through his furred leonine cloak and the low camera angle makes the king look much more intimidating. This is despite the fact that this king wears no crown.
The Crownless King takes one step forward.
Coral Avalon: Bandits.
He walks towards the camera. As he does, his cloak obscures the camera, thrusting everything back into darkness.
There’s silence, except for the murmurs of the crowd. The silence is broken by the opening strings of Monster Siren’s “Real Me”. Once the first instance of the song’s main refrain hits, a spotlight shines upon the entrance. A fog billows out from the entryway with even more light shining from it. That makes the three figures walking out of the tunnel loom large.
The center of them was utterly massive, almost a full foot taller than the other two. His silhouette was very distinctive, because he is wearing a full-blown ceremonial jackal mask on his head and an overly elaborate usekh collar around his neck. The other two figures are more indistinct, though judging from the earlier video, the identities of all three men are pretty obvious. One of the figures is carrying a battle standard in their hands. The other wears a trilby. Also, all of them are wearing sleeveless flannel vests.
A fourth man emerges behind them, and this one is the star of the show. The Crownless King. The former 5-star Champion. The King who could become a Bandit tonight.
When the guitars hit, Powerslam Anubis steps aside to allow Coral Avalon to pass him by.
Oh, but there’s just a small, minor detail here: All four of them are wearing rubber masks.
Ignacio has chosen a rubber mask vaguely resembling either the major Hollywood actor who plays the role of Peacemaker, or Doozer. It’s hard to say. Lord Yum is wearing one vaguely resembling Lindsay Troy, and we all know that’s going to make him very popular the moment she lays eyes on him. Finally, Anubis is wearing a Bobby Dean mask. Mind you, he’s also wearing his ceremonial jackal mask over the top of it, which makes it very awkward. Thankfully, Bobby Dean masks have a lot of give to them, so it’s not necessarily the most uncomfortable of situations.
Avalon? Avalon’s got his own mask. It’s of ‘ol salt shoes himself, Cancer Jiles. He’s even got the T-shades!
Richard Parker: Oh my god! He skinned the face off of Jiles and wearing it like a mask!
Nick Stuart: …Jiles is in the ring, Rich.
Richard Parker: Look, a man can dream, okay!?
Avalon steps forward. After a few moments, he reaches up and removes the mask on his face. We’d recognize that forehead anywhere!
Avalon drops the mask to the ground, and seamlessly takes the battle standard from Ignacio. It’s only when the house lights come up that we can see the details on the black banner. The Crownless Kingdom’s logo depicting a skull with half of a broken crown on top of it on one side, and a cracked egg on the other.
He walks to the ring, and the other three follow him.
Vince Howard: His opponent… residing in Seattle, Washington! He weighs in at two hundred and twenty-four pounds! THE CROWNLESS KING! COOOOORAAAAAALLLLL AVALOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!
When the quartet reach the ringside area, Coral stops to wave the flag obnoxiously at the other Bandits gathered at ringside. In particular, Bobby Dean stares incredulously at the towering, heavily tattooed black man wearing a caricature of his face. As though he’s looking into a mirror. Yeah.
Nick Stuart: It seems like referee Timo Bolamba is willing to accept these flannel wearing “Bandits” into the match.
Richard Parker: I’m absolutely stunned that Timo is willing to be flexible with a ruling that may hamper another one of Cancer Jile’s devious schemes.
Anyway, once he’s done waving his flag, Coral passes the banner back to Ignacio and enters the ring.
Never once does he take his eyes off of Cancer Jiles, even when he holds up his hands for the Kingdom’s hand signal or when he takes his entrance cloak off. He knows better than that.
The Bandit Imposters take their position in the corner of Avalon, while the rest of the Electric Blue Bandits surround the three other corners of the ring. Well, most of them do, the very mysterious Max Shell, who definitely isn’t the same as the guy who already had a match this evening, is just quietly strumming his Yolkulele as he sits at the timekeeper’s table. Timo Bolamba is about to start his final checks but before he can see whether Jiles is attempting to hide any junk in the trunk, the ominous chords of a doom piano boom over the speaker system.
“Stranger Fruit” by Zeal and Ardor
Two words in large, bold, Roman typeface quickly appear on the PRIME*View.
V A E V I C T I S
“Stranger fruit, how it grows and grows
We all saw the shoot but we tend to the rose…”
Through the curtain walks the Boss, and Co-Consul of Vae Vicits, Lindsay Troy. Pretty good timing, considering we just saw the rest of the VV boys a few moments ago. The PRIMEates cheer wildly for the Queen of the Ring, and she regards them with a nod and a smirk as she makes her way down the ramp and over to Nick and Richard.
There’s audible rustling as Troy gets herself settled.
Nick Stuart: I can’t complain about the company joining us at ringside but I have to admit, I’m surprised to see you out here.
Lindsay Troy: I’m trying to run a Pay Per View, I’ve had at least twenty calls today alone about the quality of the Russian steel for the main event but something in my gut told me this mess required a chaperone.
Richard Parker: As a former Egg Bandit yourself, do you…
Richard Parker never finishes this sentence. Death glare? Brutal assault? Hard to say because the camera isn’t on the announcer’s table.
As the bell rings, Jiles turns around to face his Bandit Brothers, he calls Bobby Dean over for a second and points towards RICK. The gestures appear to be angry gestures as Jiles wildly swings his arms about like he was portraying a mocking stereotype of Super Mario. Jiles returns to face Coral Avalon, who hasn’t been drawn into the nonsense, keeping his focus purely on the man who yolked him and kicked his head straight in on the last show. As Jiles returns full focus to the ring, and RICK appears to slowly walk backstage, Coral Avalon rushes in and starts the action in a hot and heavy manner, with a flurry of elbows that land somewhere in the region between the neck and the chin of the former Universal Champion. Jiles is quick to cut it off though, as he quickly jabs a poke right into Coral’s ribs, causing The Crownless King to take a few steps back.
In the distance, you can hear Chris Chickentenders yell “THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH!” which is language that would make his mother very upset.
Nick Stuart: He’s an energetic young lad.
Richard Parker: I wouldn’t really call Coral Avalon young.
Lindsay Troy: Remind me to revoke Chris Chickentenders’ credentials. I swore I already had.
As Avalon backs away, slightly clutching his midsection, he has to deal with another issue, which is Bobby Dean weakly pawing at his legs, as Avalon now stands near the ropes. Bobby tries to lunge and grab a few times, exhausting himself in the process and deciding instead to have a little mid-match nap. Timo Bolamba considers admonishing one of the bigger Bandits, but Avalon waves it off. Unfortunately for Avalon, it is enough of a distraction of the mind to allow Jiles to take action, rushing over and drilling a knee straight to his ribs. The poke may have caused annoyance for the Crownless King but the knee delivers some real pain. Avalon groans as Jiles leaps down and launches a dropkick straight to the knees, sending Coral through the ropes and into the arms/body of Bobby Dean (Flannel Division). The strength of The Flannel Bandits gives Avalon something of a soft landing, but action has to be taken quick, as Doozer is rushing to the fray, making sure not to spill a drop of his delicious watermelon beverage on the way over.
Nick Stuart: I mean, if getting all the Bandits out here was an attempt to send a message to Coral Avalon about the strength of the group, I have some questions.
Richard Parker: The owner of the company is out here to support her Bandit brethren…
Richard Parker stops in his tracks once more, probably questioning the life choices that brought him to call this match. Outside of the ring, The Very Suspicious Bandits roll Coral Avalon back into the ring before Doozer can get into the fray. Or maybe he did get there and we just didn’t see him. Jiles saunters over to Coral and grabs him by the head, gesturing that there’s a lot of head to pick up. As he attempts to lift his opponent back up, skull first, his grip is broken with a European Uppercut straight to the jaw. Jiles is staggered, flying backwards into the ropes with the sheer force of the uppercut from Avalon. Jiles leans against the ropes, trying to right himself, and getting assuring back pats from Christopher Chickentenders, whose sweet words of encouragement I am not going to repeat in good company. The support of his Bandits is enough to send Jiles back into the fray, but Avalon keeps up the pressure, switching behind The Eggsecutioner and lifting him up with a picture perfect German Suplex. The Crownless King high arches with a bridge, trying to bring an end to the comedic farce he finds himself in. Bolamba quickly checks for the count.
Jiles rolls over and breaks free of Avalon’s clutches.
Nick Stuart: It seems like Avalon is not looking to play with all of the toys that Jiles has brought to ringside.
Richard Parker: I don’t blame him, even in cardboard form, Dan Ryan is very unsettling. Like an action figure of a terminator that got left in the microwave for a little too long.
It’s at this point you have to wonder if Richard Parker has a death wish that can only be facilitated by Lindsay Troy. Back in the ring, a mildly frustrated Avalon realises that it’s going to take a bit more effort to conquer Mt. Coolympus. He tries to go back on the attack but Laser and Bobby Dean have managed to scoop their man of the ring for a quick regrouping. The Bandits begin to form a shield around the dazed Jiles on the outside of the ring, as Timo yells for Cancer Jiles to get back into the action. As Bobby starts to fan his man, an irritated Avalon decides that he’s going to take action. He climbs up on the top rope while the Bandits are distracted in their inner circle and launches himself off the top and into the fray with a sideways Frog Splash.
Nick Stuart: THAT’S A BANDIT STRIKE! CORAL AVALON GOT THEM ALL.
Richard Parker: That’s not true, what about those three over there. The Flannel ones. Also there’s the weird guy with the yellow eye who has been strumming a ukulele for the entire contest.
Nick Stuart: You sometimes know how to ruin a moment.
Richard Parker: I value journalistic accuracy.
Coral leaps back up, letting out a victorious roar and he beelines straight for Jiles, grabbing him by his immaculate hair and tosses him straight back into the ring but this turns out to be a bit of a miscalculation on the part of the Crownless King, who can’t seem to quite get back into the ring himself, his body sitting halfway in and halfway out thanks to Bobby Dean wrapping his large frame around the legs of Avalon. Jiles rushes to take advantage, looking to stomp on the biggest target available, Avalon’s skull but Avalon manages to roll out of the way and Jiles instead stomps on the hands of Dean, which he does not seem particularly concerned by. Frustrated by The Bandit shenanigans, Avalon rolls out of the ring and throws a headbutt at Dean in frustration. Unfortunately for Avalon, he slightly misses his intended target and lands the strike straight to Bobby’s stomach.
Nick Stuart: Well that’s a new one.
Richard Parker: His head… it’s just kind of stuck in there. I am not comfortable with this.
The force of which Avalon delivered the blow to Dean’s gut has caused him to be slightly trapped within the rolls of the Beautiful One. Everyone at ringside, Flannel and Electric Blue Bandits alike rush to the scene with immediate concern. In the ring, even Jiles is showing signs of panic as he starts to direct traffic on the outside. Laser and Definitely Not Powerslam Anubis hold Bobby tight as Doozer and A Man Who Could Be But Definitely Isn’t Ignacio el Jaguar pull Coral Avalon free. There’s a slight popping noise, like a suction cup being pulled off a wall, as Bandits of all stripes work together to free the Crownless King.
Nick Stuart: I am officially at a loss for what to say.
Lindsay Troy: Hold on, I need to do something very quickly.
LT puts down her headset and walks over to a Man Who Is Certainly Not Gavin Yum and slaps him upside the skull. Was this for not getting involved in freeing Avalon, or for wearing a Lindsay Troy mask and heavily implying she is a Bandit? Well, I think we all know the answer there. With Gavin clutching the back of his skull in pain, she feels that the work has been done and returns to the commentation station.
Lindsay Troy: I think I made my point.
While the camera was following the slap to the noggin, a very frustrated Coral Avalon returned to the ring, where he is now standing off against Cancer Jiles once more. Avalon wipes some concerning looking mucus from his face as The Man Who Is The Cool tries to drive a rushing boot straight to the ribs of Avalon but with all of the frustration building within The Crownless King, he deftly doges out of the way and uses Jiles’ momentum to his favour, slamming him, skull first, into the turnbuckle. A groggy Cancer Jiles is slumped on the middle turnbuckle as if it was a comforting pillow for night-night times. Avalon looks at the situation with a small tinge of pity, but manages to psyche himself up. He rushes to the opposite turnbuckle and quickly hurries back, drilling a picture perfect Yakuza Kick straight to the back of the skull. Jiles, who may be actually dead at this point, flumps back, out cold.
Nick Stuart: That Rhongomyniad was picture perfect.
Richard Parker: It had a little stank on it and hell, I’m glad.
Nick Stuart: Avalon is not messing around. He remembers the yolk, he remembers the Termina
Trying to end his Saga in Banditry, Coral Avalon drops down for the cover and Timo Bolamba is very eager to facilitate such a count.
In a last ditch effort to break the count, a desperate Christopher Chickentenders throws an egg into the ring, hitting Avalon in the shoulder with just enough force to cause a distraction, not much in the way of injury. The momentary lapse in focus is just enough to allow Jiles to roll his shoulder up and escape the dreaded three count.
Nick Stuart: Thanks to an unwelcome intervention on the outside, Avalon’s future as a Bandit is still very much on the table.
Richard Parker: I’d question the legality of throwing an egg to break a pin, but I don’t think this match has any rules or honour to start with.
As a dazed Jiles remains flat on the mat, a now very annoyed Coral Avalon turns his attention to the huddle of Electric Blue Bandits on the outside. He nods to his Flannel Compatriots and he hops out of the ring himself. Men Who Are Definitely Not Gavin, Ignacio and Anubis rush to battle for their King. The whole lumberjack crew are now in Battle Mode, like it’s some kind of terrifying version of West Side Story. Max Shell for his part is still strumming, Cardboard Dan is Cardboard and Chris Chickentenders his positioned himself far away from everyone, just yelling “YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH!” every time an Electric Blue Bandit lands a blow. Zeb Martin means well, so he apologises after each punch he throws in the direction of the Flannel Bandits. To be honest The Electric Blue Crew could have done with a muscle monster in their ranks, but Jiles didn’t want him there. Laser and Powerslam Anubis have decided they make an excellent battle pairing in the middle of the fist flying fray.
Nick Stuart: This match has broken down…
Richard Parker: Are you surprised by that?
Nick Stuart: I’m surprised it took this long to be honest.
Lindsay Troy: If any of these doofuses want money for this match, it’s coming out of Jiles’ pay.
In the chaos in the fray, Cancer Jiles managed to sneak into the mix, hiding himself in the chaos, he grabs a chair and drives it directly into the ribs of Avalon. Due to the shield of Bandit Battle happening around him, Timo Bolamba, too focused on directing traffic, does not spot this level of villainy. Jiles manages to break out of the group, pulling a pained Avalon and rolling him into the ring. Jiles doesn’t waste time, very much aiming to gather a new Bandit compatriot and immediately hooks both legs for the pin.
Avalon has a powerful kick out that sets Jiles off at a bit of a distance.
Richard Parker: Absolutely stunned that Cancer Jiles would take the shortcut in this match in the same way I’m stunned that water is wet.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles has had a game plan this entire match, letting his friends cause distractions while he focuses on the injured ribs of Coral Avalon. The man knows match tactics.
Avalon pulls himself back up on the ropes, clutching at his side, fury in his face. The kind of expression that says “I wish to fuck you up with some Armaments right now.” Jiles for his part seems… cool… but that’s his whole deal I suppose. Jiles tries to argue with Timo on the count but even deep in his heart he knows it’s not worth the bother. Outside of the ring, The Battle of Bandits continues, as Lord Gavin Yum decides to drop Cardboard Dan Ryan on the skull with a Galatine Driver. It’s at this point that Timo Bolamba, who, with understanding the context of this match was playing it loose with the rules, instructs the warring factions to separate or be tossed out. Like an egg.
Nick Stuart: Great call by Timo Bolamba here, we want a true winner in this match but things were getting out of hand
Richard Parker: A Cancer Jiles match where the shenanigans get out of hand? No one could have predicted this.
Lindsay Troy: It’s still better than dealing with the Russians.
As the Bandit Brawl disperses, we return to the ring, where Cancer Jiles has just been kicked in the face, which is a normal thing to happen in a wrestling match. It’s ironic because his skull is the smaller target of two, but Coral Avalon landed it very nicely. The force of the second Yakuza Kick of the evening did the damage to Jiles but still had a direct impact on Avalon too, adding more pressure and pain to his already weakened ribs. Coral, wishing to very much hurt the Jiles fellow, begins an assault of stomps to the down Jiles’ skull. If he was a worse person, he might be yelling “who has the big forehead now?” but Avalon is a decent sort of fellow, so he keeps his skull murder quiet. A stray boot catches the nose of Jiles, causing a fountain of blood to flow.
Richard Parker: I’m surprised his blood isn’t yellow.
Nick Stuart: It’s a good point, he’s never struck me as a man with normal human anatomy. Regardless, Coral Avalon has had enough of the parade of shenanigans and with all the Bandits at bay under the watchful eye of Timo Bolamba, he’s looking to end this one.
Looking to continue to inflict further damage on Jiles, Avalon shows an impressive display of strength, hoisting the owner of the Coolympian Yolk high up to the sky and then planting him to the ground, a brainbuster with big time authority. A desperate Bobby Dean tries to paw once more at Avalon but Avalon has the common sense to not be within the man’s admittedly limited range. The Crownless King decides to try and put the outside distractions away from his mind as he starts to climb towards the top rope.
Nick Stuart: High risk for Coral here, he’ll have to act fast if he doesn’t want the Bandits to get in his way.
Richard Parker: I’m pretty sure half of them have been distracted by a shiny coin that a fan dropped. Yup, Zeb’s looking for the coin. Actually, they all appear to be gathered.
Coral looks down from the top rope, taking one last measure of the situation, deciding the time is right, he leaps off the top rope, looking to bring he two legs full force down upon the chest of the devious Cancer Jiles.
Nick Stuart: He’s putting some pressure on this Carnwennan, he wants to hurt Jiles at this point.
Richard Parker: Haven’t we all wanted to hurt Jiles at some point? It’s basically in the entire company’s DNA.
Nick Stuart: Well, I can’t argue with… TERMINAL CANCER!
Nick Stuart’s unfortunate sentence phrasing was due to the action happening within the ring. Just as Coral leaped from the rope to drill a nasty ole double stomp into the chest of Jiles, Jiles managed to roll to his feet and drill a nasty kick straight into the ribs of Avalon. With the ribs already damaged, and the force of the blow and the momentum from the leap, Avalon sails over to top rope, atop the coin hunting Bandits, who notice that a man with a curious forehead is flying in their direction. Abandoning the shiny, they take action and grab hold of the man as he flies towards them.
Nick Stuart: The Electric Blue Bandits have caught hold of Coral Avalon, but they don’t seem to be letting go.
Richard Parker: They seem to be walking up the entrance ramp with Coral Avalon. I’m not sure what I’m beholding right now but I am beholding it.
Cancer Jiles remains in the ring, witnessing his Electric Blue Bandits take Coral Avalon back up the ramp, somehow even Cardboard Dan Ryan has grabbed hold of The Crownless King as they lift him high and move away from the ring. For their perfect, the Flannel Bandits give chase but are a good few steps behind the collective speed of the bright blue boys. Timo Bolamba shrugs his shoulders and looks over to Lindsay Troy.
Lindsay Troy: I’m not getting in the middle of this hot mess. I didn’t take time to learn the rules of a Bandit Lumberjack match.
Bolamba looks back up at the ramp, where Coral Avalon has definitely now disappeared. Cancer Jiles whispers a few things in his ear, which may be instructions or just further insults about his jet. Whatever the case, Timo Bolamba regretfully calls for the bell. After a very brief chit chat with Vince Howard, the bell is rung.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentleman, the winner of this match due to… banditry, I guess… CANCER JILES!
Cancer Jiles begins to sexily dance in the ring in celebration, but it is too hot for even Pay Per View so we quickly smash cut to the announcer’s table where Lindsay Troy is already making a rapid exit, away from all of this.
Nick Stuart: I can’t say we witnessed a technical classic here tonight…
Richard Parker: It was a BANDIT LUMBERJACK MATCH, I’m surprised he even saw a wrestling match and it wasn’t just two hours of increasingly elaborate entrances.
Nick Stuart: Nonetheless, based on the official call by Timo Bolamba, it seems like the Bandit ranks have increased by one tonight. That may be a decision that Coral Avalon regrets for the rest of his career.
Even though we can’t see him, we can hear Cancer Jiles yelling “CRUMB” to various front row members of the Chicago crowd as we fade out from this fiasco to a commercial.