FEATHERS NOT LEATHERS
Back from commercial, we see Vince Howard standing in the center of the ring.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming our guest at this time. He resides in sunny Los Angeles, California and is your NEW Alias Champion…ABE LIPSCHIIIIIIIIITZ!
DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DO DO DO
DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DOOO DO DO DO DO DO
(ting ting ting ting!)
Richard Parker: No, no, NO!
He might be a touch annoying and a little too vain, but the DC crowd still rumbles with cheers as “I Love Your Smile” blasts over the PA.
Nick Stuart: The PRIME faithful showing some love for our new Alias Champion!
Richard Parker: Of course they are. This is a city filled with slimy politicians and! They smell their own!
Out comes Abe Lipschitz. Tonight he is dressed as if he were a tennis star in the late 80s: Nike everything (tennies, ankle socks, sweatbands, Dri-FIT polo) but the center point of the outfit has to be the denim Nike tennis shorts that just barely cover his lower butt cheeks. He is sans the Alias title, but does carry a white Nike duffel bag over his shoulder.
Richard Parker: Why is he out here looking like Andre Aggasi tonight?
Stopping at the aisle, Abe points to a sign that reads “ALL THAT RACQUET COMING SOON TO NETFLICKS” and gives a thumbs up.
Nick Stuart: That answer your question?
The Scenery Boy soon arrives at the ring, stepping through the ropes and accepting the mic from Vince Howard. Crossing over to the other side of the ring, Abe puts his elbows on the turnbuckle in the “not that innocent” pose we all know and love. Shanice Wilson’s voice fades out as he moves back to the middle of the ring, and the Snuggle soft voice of Abe replaces it.
Abe Lipschitz: Ohmigod, I can’t lie, y’all. I had this whole big buildup planned before I brought the belt out, but I just can’t contain my excitement anymore. Check this out!
Reaching down to his feet, the Babe unzips his retro duffel bag and pulls out the Alias Championship for all the world to see, holding it triumphantly over his head with his free hand.
Richard Parker: What the hell did he do to it?
Abe Lipschitz: Never been much of a leather boy, but I sure as heck am a feather boy!
Yes, the Alias title had gone through a bit of a makeover to say the least. The outside around the plate was now lined in blue feathers all facing outwards, making the accessory appear much bigger. However, the main alteration was found in the back and highlighted once Abe strapped the belt around his waist.
It was an even larger display of blue feathers. Once he had pulled off the rubber band holding them in place, the back of the belt fanned out like a mating peacock. Abe gives a little shake of his new tail for the crowd to heighten the experience. Some within the Jewish community might view this as disrespectful, as a white Star of David had been curated within the feather spread. But it was more for the sake of pride.
Abe Lipschitz: I couldn’t be more honored that my first ever title is being held right here in PRIME. Because this is a place that embraces a break from the normal. It rewards individuality. And the first step to that for me was to put my own touch on the champion’s accessory!
Peacocking over to the ropes close to the ringside announce table, Abe leans and looks Richard Parker right in the eye.
Abe Lipschitz: Not everyone’s going to love it. A few are going to absolutely hate it. But everyone in the business is gonna recognize it, because it’s just like me…
Richard Parker: Completely ridiculous?
Abe Lipschitz: One of a kind. But let’s not let its appearance take away something very important about this title. Something that I know most everyone is going to agree with.
Turning on his heel, Lipschitz spins around and walks back toward center stage.
Abe Lipschitz: This right here around my waist will no longer be known as the Gamble Championship. It is time to christen it a name that is much more appropriate. One that will elevate its prestige beyond the status of Universal Championship. A name that means more to me than the Promised Land meant to the descendants of the original Abraham. A name to bring honor to a person who might just be second in command to Yahweh himself!
Unstrapping the belt, Abe lifts it up with his free hand above his head once again. Of course, this is a little more problematic than the first time when the rubber band held the feathers together. Now they are covering his face and getting in his mouth.
Abe Lipschitz: Thippppppsh ipppssh…ptttttshhh
Abe finally pushes his face through the feathers, allowing him to speak clearly.
Abe Lipschitz: Sorry about that! Please let me officially declare this championship…
Abe stops with a dramatic pause as if there were a drum roll somewhere in the arena.
Abe Lipschitz: Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration!
There is a smattering of laughter coupled with a good bit of cheering at the goofy declaration.
Nick Stuart: I can’t say I’m too surprised by this.
Richard Parker: Do we HAVE to keep hearing about how in love he is with our boss? Why won’t she just kiss him already so he can move on?
Nick Stuart: I don’t think he’ll be moving on until she lets him move in, Richard.
He’s right, sadly.
Abe Lipschitz: And as the boy who has Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration, I will choose to let the world know it by way of the special match stipulation. Just like me, I know everyone wants to see more of LT than the passing glances we get backstage. Therefore, when I defend Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration, Lindsay Troy herself will be donning the pinstripes as the special guest referee!
Again, another mixture of laughter and applause from the audience within the Capital One Arena. Abe seems to be enjoying the fanfare regardless, putting the belt back around his indigo-print tennis shorts.
Abe Lipschitz: I mean, what better way for her to really get to see all of my best qualities up close and personal? Oh, and also to ensure that the match is called fairly, too. That way nobody can whine about it on a radio show if they lose to me.
Richard Parker: What an idiot! She’ll probably pin him herself just so that she won’t have to be embarrassed by having him as a champion of her company.
Nick Stuart: Maybe that’s what he’s hoping for.
Again, Nick’s right.
Abe Lipschitz: I am accepting all challengers to try and take Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration away from me. I will fight like a rabid dog to keep this in my grasp. And unless I just happen to get distracted by her sexy referee attire, I will FOREVER have Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration resting on my lap!
DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DO DO DO
DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DOOO DO DO
“I Love Your Smile” kicks up once again, and Abe makes his way out of the ring. Of course, the tail feathers make him almost trip through the ropes and onto the floor. But he makes it through OK.
Richard Parker: We were so close to him breaking his neck and making today the happiest day of my life right there.
Nick Stuart: That’s a bit har…
Abe, who has now come up to the announce table, positions his face right next to Richard’s headset and yells into it.
Abe Lipschitz: LINDSAY TROY’S LOVE AND ADMIRATION IS MINE!
Richard Parker: Get out of here you annoying little sh…
We then cut backstage.