FIGHTING FOR NORA vs. MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE…B-TEAM
ReVival 12 returns to ringside, just as the pianos of Robbie Williams’ “Let Me Entertain You” hit, heralding the arrival of the Masters of the Multiverse. The B-Team, natch.
Nick Stuart: Here come the Masters of the Multiverse…
Richard Parker: The B-Team.
Nick Stuart: …still looking for their first victory here in PRIME!
Richard Parker: Wait, what the hell does Randall Schwartz have in his hands?
The cameras cut to Randall Schwartz, who is lagging a little behind Kenny Freeman as the pair make their way to the ring. He is holding a frosty treat in his hand. A certain… recently discontinued frosty treat.
Nick Stuart: Is that… a Choco Taco?
Yes, it is.
…Let’s go to introductions!
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a fifteen minute time limit! Introducing first! At a total combined weight of 336 pounds, and… (sigh) a total combined height of 11 feet and 7 inches tall! KENNY FREEMAN! RANDALL SCHWARTZ! THEY ARE THE MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE! …B-TEAAAAAM!
Freeman slides into the ring and raises his arms for everyone to see. Schwartz, meanwhile, is enjoying his frosty treat and is more than happy to go to his team’s corner and half-heartedly raise his arm into the air.
The Robbie Williams song is immediately cut off by Strata’s “Piece by Piece”.
Usually, when the singer starts screaming, Jonathan Rhine emerges first. Instead, it’s Paxton Ray who marches through first, marching to the ring in a power walk sure to fill the pants of anyone at his destination. The man is dripping wet, more than usual in this Vegas heat, anyway. Probably because of the pre-match, post-egging shower.
Rhine only has a moment to raise his arms in the air before he moves to catch up with his partner, with Shweta Kallemullah following behind him.
Vince Howard: And their opponents! At a total combined weight of 475 pounds, and… seriously? A total combined height of twelve feet and eight inches tall! JONATHAN RHINE! PAXTON RAY! THEY ARE! FIGHTING! FOR! NOOOOOROHGODWHY!
Richard Parker: I don’t think that’s the name of the team.
That’s because Paxton Ray made a beeline for the ring and immediately decked Kenny Freeman so hard that he almost got sent into another universe. Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell in a panic.
Randall Schwartz stands there with half of a Choco Taco in his hand, frozen in fear like a man who’d just seen a velociraptor performing Singing in the Rain. Nervously, he offers the Taco to Paxton as a peace offering.
Nick Stuart: This… seems unwise of you.
There are three hits. First hit, Paxton slaps the Choco Taco out of his hand, and fans in the fourth row have to dodge out of the way of an ice cream treat made into a projectile. Second hit, Paxton punches Randall in the mouth. Third hit, Randall falls to the ground.
Richard Parker: Hey, come on! My man here was enjoying himself a frosty treat, and instead he’s being fed a full course meal of hands!
Randall takes his sweet time getting to his feet, because he’s dazed and he’s exercising plan #42-B of the Multiverse handbook: playing dead. For the record, all of the plans in the handbook end in “-B”. Because B-Team. Paxton doesn’t buy it for a second. Either that or Paxton doesn’t care and just wants to punch people. Probably the latter. Actually, definitely the latter, because he starts punching Randall while he’s down.
Nick Stuart: Referee Jimmy Turnbull’s definitely got his work cut out for him today.
Richard Parker: I wonder if the referees draw straws to determine who gets the matches. Never really thought about it before now. Just an idle thought.
To his credit, Jimmy’s not an idle referee. He’s trying to get Paxton to stop face-punching Schwartz long enough to establish some kind of order. Paxton can’t hear him. He’s too busy imagining the face of Bobby Dean superimposed over Schwartz’s. Probably.
Jimmy has to step in and start a five count. Please stop face-punching this man after five seconds.
Paxton’s response is to bolt up off of Schwartz and turn to face him with his fists clenched, backing Jimmy all the way to the Nora corner. Rhine, recognizing the danger of Paxton getting the team disqualified, tags himself in and tries to convince Paxton to stand down.
Give the B-Team some credit, though.
You might punch them until their brains leak out, but they’ll somehow get back up. With Jon and Paxton’s backs turned politely discussing the merits of face-punching non-combatants, both Freeman and Schwartz run up and jump the two of them from behind. They manage to push Paxton out of the ring, and while Paxton is quick to recover and try to get back in to resume the punching, the referee is there to stop him. He’s no longer the legal man.
Nick Stuart: The Masters of the Multiverse have taken control here, somehow!
Richard Parker: Well, the B-Team. Where’s the A-Team? Or the C-Team? Do they have different letters of the alphabet? I hope there’s not more than twenty-six. Then you have to get creative and use Greek letters, like you’re naming hurricanes.
This lets the B-Team double-team Rhine, hitting him with stomps and kicks in the middle of the ring. This only serves to piss off Paxton more, which in turn distracts Jimmy, and creates an almost infinite stomping loop. In another timeline, in another multiverse, Jonathan Rhine is still getting stomped. Possibly forever. In this one, though, Freeman and Schwartz break off. Schwartz goes back to the corner, still wobbling from all that face-punching, and leaves Kenny in the ring to grab a half boston crab.
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman’s got that submission on lock.
Richard Parker: And that idiot, Paxton, isn’t helping his cause!
Paxton attempts to enter the ring in order to punch Freeman in the mouth and break up the submission. However, the referee intervenes and puts himself between Paxton and the submission. This allows Schwartz to re-enter the ring, take up Rhine’s other leg, and apply his own half-crab. It’s a surprisingly competent one, if a little sticky because of the ice cream he had punched out of his hand.
Paxton really, really wants to punch them all in the face. Like, so much. You have no idea.
Eventually, Freeman releases his half of the twin half crabs, and goes back to his corner. This happens just as Paxton is finally convinced to return to his corner and not punch anyone quite yet.
Nick Stuart: Is Schwartz even the legal man?
Richard Parker: Legality is a bit of a tricky thing to discuss in times like these.
Nick Stuart: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
Schwartz wrenches back on his hold, hoping he could make Rhine submit. Behind him, he’s unaware that Rhine can see someone cheering him on. Shweta is standing directly in front of Rhine by the apron, pounding on it and cheering for Rhine. Rhine sees her, and crawls over to the ropes. Schwartz tries to wrench the hold harder, but Rhine manages to reach Shweta. Also, the ropes. Equally as important.
Shweta grasps Rhine’s hands after he makes it to the ropes, and holds on to them as Jimmy makes the five count to Schwartz.
At four, Schwartz releases and raises his arms in celebration! Yeah! He’s won! He thinks. When Jimmy tells him otherwise, he tries to claim his case. When he realizes that Rhine didn’t tap out and all of the cheering isn’t for him, he tags in Freeman.
Freeman comes over and kicks Rhine off the ropes, which also makes Shweta have to pull back before she can catch any of that. Fans around her boo.
Freeman pulls Rhine back to his feet at the center of the ring, and manages to heft the taller man up into a scoop slam.
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman with an impressive scoop slam on Jonathan Rhine, and…
Richard Parker: …What is he doing?
Freeman runs into the ropes, and on the rebound, he stops and does a dance not unlike the one from Thriller. You know the one. Then he drops the leg. This has been your moment to Follow the Freeman. Like, share, and subscribe!
He goes for the cover. After two, though, Kenny tries to go for a sleeper hold.
Rhine’s not really having it. He throws Kenny off of him with something of a judo toss. When Kenny gets to his feet, Rhine meets him with a dropkick. And let me tell you, Rhine throws a mean dropkick. Just ask Kenny Freeman. Freeman flops on the canvas as though shot by a cannon, and he is only able to barely make a tag to Schwartz because that’s where momentum carried him.
Schwartz enters and makes a mad dash…
…to Paxton Ray.
Nick Stuart: There’s a tag to Paxton!
Richard Parker: Uh oh, get out of there, Randall!
Schwartz holds his hands up in a pleading gesture. Oh, how he wishes to not be face-punched. Paxton does not oblige. He immediately hits him with a right hand, and Schwartz drops like a sack of potatoes. He gets up, somehow, and then Paxton drops him again with a left. This happens a few more times, with alternating fists. Kenny Freeman eventually gets back into the ring. He gets one, too, and Freeman flops through the top and middle ropes and out onto the apron.
Schwartz finds himself in the corner, and Paxton comes in with a big right hand that rocks Schwartz so hard that his legs fly out from under him and he lands on his back.
Nick Stuart: BIG right hand from Paxton!
Richard Parker: No such thing as a small right hand from that guy, you know.
Schwartz finds himself being hefted up to his feet. An Irish whip sends him to the opposite turnbuckles.
Freeman moves in to take the blind tag, but he’s met by Jonathan Rhine, who pushes Freeman off of the apron and to the floor. Then he dives after Freeman, taking him out with a clothesline.
Schwartz manages to move out of the way of the charging Paxton Ray, who only barely stops himself from crashing into the turnbuckles with his sternum.
And that’s when Schwartz goes for the most devastating move in all of sports-entertainment: the Schwartz Special. He also grabs the jeans and puts his feet on the ropes, much to the displeasure of everyone in the crowd.
Paxton pushes Schwartz off of him, and rolls backwards to his feet. Schwartz is wide-eyed. He had that one! So he does what anyone would do in his situation. He tries to take advantage of his opening, and…
Nick Stuart: LAYFAYETTE LULLABY! He got all of that one!
Richard Parker: We may need to make funeral arrangements for Mr. Randall Schwartz.
Paxton drops to his knees after popping up and knocking out Schwartz, and then covers him. Outside of the ring, Freeman is trying to get back in to save this one, but he’s easily being stopped by Jonathan Rhine.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this match… FIGHTING! FOR! NOOOOOOOORAAAAAAA!
Rhine rolls back into the ring, and all Kenny Freeman can do is pull his incredibly unconscious multiversal pal out of the ring before Paxton Ray decides that he needs to face-punch him some more.
Nick Stuart: Big win for Fighting for Nora here. They’re still a huge threat in the tag division, and it might not be that long before they’re back in the hunt for the titles.
Richard Parker: Wouldn’t want to be anyone in the way of Paxton Ray, though. Man’s got a mean left punch.
And with that, ReVival moves on.