Five Minutes of His Life that Matt Mills Will Never Get Back

Remember this: Matt Mills is a professional. He probably went to school for this. Might have had dreams of talking to interviewing Tom Brady on the sidelines after a Super Bowl win, or catching up with Lebron in the locker room moments after sinking the decisive game-winner. There might have been childhood aspirations of traveling the world every 2 years to cover the Olympics. Make no mistake: there are athletes in PRIME and world-class athletes at that. But there is also that guy, the one in the fruit costume.

Matt Mills: Ladies and gentlemen I’m here backstage with King Blueberry.

Tonight King Blueberry is dressed in street clothes, which happens to include a tee-shirt in an obnoxious shade of neon pink with block-printed white letters, because ALL CAPS means it’s serious. The words those letters spell? “TITTY PANTS”. And beneath that, in smaller-yet-still-ALL-CAPS is printed “pants for titties”. The black band on his right bicep displays only a cartoon strawberry wearing a turban.

King Blueberry: That’s right, Millsy. It’s me, it’s me, it’s B – B – P. Good gawd! And all of PRIME…

Just like last week, he shouts the word. It catches Mills off-guard, which is why he flinches. As he continues talking, the King holds both hands out in front of him, forming a circle with his forefingers and thumbs. It’s totally, completely, no-seriously-you-guys legally distinct from that other gesture. You know, the one Jay-Z had to pay royalties for. Bang.

King Blueberry: …is gonna feel the Blueberry Pie-mond Cutter and feel – the – refreshing and revitalizing effects that blueberries can have on your body. Why, one cup of fresh blueberries has only 80 calories, and is full of Vitamin C, Vitamin K, is packed with fiber, and provides powerful nutritional boosts from minerals like potassium and manganese. Do you know what that does?

Matt Mills: Manganese? No, what?

King Blueberry: No idea. S’why I asked you. Way to fumble that one, Mark Sanchez.

Because he is a professional – the only one on camera right now, Mr. Mills simply moves on.

Matt Mills: So, “BBP”. That stands for Blueberry…?

The King shrugs.

King Blueberry: Look, let’s not pretend I put too much thought into this.

Bookmark this page. Remember this line. Come back to it every time he appears on an episode of ReVival and you’re left wondering, “what the [expletive deleted] is he doing?” I’m saving you brain cells and a stress-induced nosebleed, dear internet reader. You’re welcome.

Matt Mills: Right. Well we’re here on the second night of the Almasy Invitational, and I’m sure the PRIME faithful would be curious to know if you have a favorite.

The response comes with a bright smile and all the “why no, mother, I in fact did not fill my pantaloons with poop at school today, so about that Happy Meal you promised me” pride a boy can muster.

King Blueberry: I don’t know who any of these people are!

Matt Mills: I’m sorry?

Mills’ brief glance off-camera is subtle but noticeable nonetheless. It is the first gesture of a man beginning to question the life choices that led him here. Or a first attempt to find a producer. Definitely one of the two. Maybe both.

Matt Mills: You’ve wrestled some of these people; Dusk, for example.

King Blueberry: Sounds like a book about vampires. He a vampire?

Matt Mills: No, he’s not. What about Impulse, who knocked you out of the GTT7 tournament many years ago?

King Blueberry: The king has no memory of this.

Matt Mills: Well what about Brandon Youngblood? If I recall correctly that was a rather one-sided contest, and it didn’t go in your favor.

King Blueberry: More like Brandon Old… uhh… Butt. Got ‘em.

This statement is accompanied by a small fist pump, and a whispered sibilant “yes”.

Matt Mills: Okay then. Do you at least have any thoughts on the match that started the show when Ria Nightshade took on Cyrus O’haire?

King Blueberry: Didn’t watch it.

The dumbass in the fruit mask stands with all the resplendent joy of a kid experiencing his first Christmas. Still, he’s able to pick up on the now very obvious signals that something here is amiss.

King Blueberry: But I’ll be sure to catch the replay on…

He leans in close for a whisper, which is still caught on mic.

King Blueberry: What channel are we on?

Mills’ response is not whispered, instead spoken directly into the microphone.

Matt Mills: The ACE Network.

King Blueberry: The ACE Network! At, ummm…

Again with the leaning and the whispering.

King Blueberry: What time?

Matt Mills: Available on demand.

Ol’ Blueberry thrusts a triumphant finger into the air.

King Blueberry: Eventually!

Matt Mills closes his eyes, takes a deep, cleansing breath to center himself, and decides to press on. It’s a far cry from Touchdown Tom, but dammit he’s a professional, and it’s time for the real questions.

Matt Mills: King Blueberry, you’ve been known primarily as a singles competitor throughout your career, but you’ve joined PRIME as part of a team. On our last show you made it a point to introduce your partner, and ever since there has been wide speculation that you don’t actually have one, and are instead carting around a mannequin. What do you have to say about this?

The camera pulls back just enough to bring a third figure into frame. Frozen in its sassy teapot pose is El Hijo del Senor Cool Guy, who is very much a mannequin. It is dressed in a red and silver lucha mask, a long furry overcoat festooned with silver tassels, a matching furry wide-brimmed hat, and a pair of red briefs to shield its Ken doll nethers from prying eyes. It is also affixed to a two-wheeler dolly by bungee cords. At least the arm appears to have been successfully reattached.

For his part, Blueberry just glances at the pimp Hannibal Lecter to his left.

King Blueberry: You wanna field this one?

El Hijo del Señor Cool Guy: …

King Blueberry: Mmhmm, mmhmm. Yep.

El Hijo del Señor Cool Guy: …

King Blueberry: Oh, for sure.

El Hijo del Señor Cool Guy: …

King Blueberry: Well there you go. I mean it doesn’t get much clearer than that, am I right?

No, you galaxy-level dipshit, it can get so much more clear than this, is what Matt Mills probably wants to say but doesn’t, because he is a professional even when confronted with the Fraggle Rock produce section.

Matt Mills: So your partner is a mannequin then?

King Blueberry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We are not simply “partners”. We are… International Berry Sensations!

Matt Mills: IBS?

King Blueberry: Hrm, yes.

Matt Mills: Seriously. IBS?

He strokes his chin.

King Blueberry: I can see how that would be a problem. Okay, change of plans. We’re not that. Instead, you can refer to us as Fantastic Artists of Renowned Talent!

Matt Mills: So F-A-R-T then?

King Blueberry: Nope, nooooooope. Strike that. Gotta think this one through. Gotta workshop it a little bit. Think, think, think. Ah-ha! I’ve got it. We are a Brilliantly United Tag Team of Amazing Super-Stars OH NO GOD WAIT I DID IT AGAIN! That’s it, we’re done. C’mon, Cool Guy. It’s time to do some BBPY!

With a huff the King pivots on his heel and grabs the handle of the two-wheeler cart. Much to the relief of (let’s be honest here) everyone he wheels his dolly on a dolly off camera, leaving Matt Mills alone to close this out.

Matt Mills: Well folks, we didn’t get many answers, and I’m not sure we accomplished anything here. We’ve got a night full of action ahead of us, so let’s get back to it!

From off-camera comes a voice.

King Blueberry: NOT GONNA WATCH ANY OF THAT EITHER ALSO THE “Y” STANDS FOR “YOGURTS”!