FIVE STAR TITLE: HAYES HANLON (c) vs. ALEXANDER REDDING
Back from commercial, we open on Richard and Nick at the desk.
Nick Stuart: Fans you will not want to miss ReVival 7, when not only with the Universal title be on the line as Cancer Jiles cashes in his bounty for a chance at Brandon Youngblood, but [chance for Lindz to hype anything else important on the next card.]
The buzzing anticipation of the PRIMEates in attendance is joined by the opening riffs of ‘Love Spreads’ over the loudspeakers.
Richard Parker: And I can’t wait for the main event we’ve got here. Redding hoping to show Hanlon the difference between simply winning the belt, and retaining.
From behind the curtain burst first the challenger, Redding striding out the picture of confidence, a devilish grin mismatched with the Joker visage splashed over his thigh.
Nick Stuart: And, well, I guess this answers our question if we were going to have a fair fight on our hands tonight.
A few paces behind, Grady Patrick and Teddy Palmer join on the march to the ring. Passing by a youngster holding a ‘Don’t Cross the Event Horizon’ sign has it send fluttering a few rows back, swatted by Ted.
Richard Parker: I don’t know what you could be referring to, Nick. I am sure Teddy Palmer is out to just make sure Hanlon doesn’t try to get himself disqualified to retain when Redding takes him into the deep end.
Forgoing the usual lap ringside, Redding is in under the ropes and discarding the top carelessly. The referee assigned for this one, Ashley Barlow gets shot a glance, before Redding just paces, begging for the champion to make his way out.
“Black Hole,” by We Came as Romans.
White flashbulbs flicker along with the music’s growing beat. The PRIME*View soars into the cosmos, passing planets and nebulas, picking up speed and shaking as it approaches a massive black hole. A wall of white bulbs ignite in the entryway as the song’s intro crescendos, the silhouette of Hayes Hanlon lifts one arm to the ceiling, the Five Star Title held high in his grasp. The lights dim as the music quiets, and Hayes walks out to the edge of the ramp, soaking in the spectacle and cheers of the crowd. The music builds again, and Hayes thrusts the belt into the air once more with the chorus.
“I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE IN MY HEAD!”
Vince Howard: From West Linn, Oregon, standing six feet, three inches tall and weighing in at 261 pounds…your FIVE. STAR. CHAMPION…Event Horizon…HAYES! HANLOONNNN!!
He immediately starts a quick and steady march down the ramp, another bright flash of white filling the arena. The Event Horizon slides into the ring and moves toward the far turnbuckle, stepping onto the first ropes and turning to face the center of the ring.
“I’M FIGHTING THE GRAAVITY, IT’S PULLING THE WORST PART OUT OF ME!
He leans back over the post, draping the Five Star belt across his chest before extending his arms outward, eyes closed with his torso aimed at the ceiling. The crescendo following the chorus blasts out through the arena among the flashbulbs.
Nick Stuart: And here we go! 5 Star Championship on the line!
Richard Parker: First title defense of the new PRIME.
Nick Stuart: And we are not wasting any time here. Alexander Redding is drawing close to the 5 Star Champion and is already jaw jacking. We can’t hear him over the buzz of this crowd…
Richard Parker: It’s like he’s leading with his head this entire time…
Nick Stuart: OH! Hayes Hanlon quickly fires off a punch and that stops Redding in his tracks! And another! Another! Big forward momentum taken by Event Horizon as he steps into those heavy overhead shots!
Richard Parker: A bit exaggerated, but they’re getting the job done. Redding is staggering across the ring and grabbing at his jaw, wincing the entire way.
Nick Stuart: There is only a small size difference between the two, an inch in height, but weight wise Alexander Redding is giving up nearly thirty pounds, and OH! Redding firing off a kitchen sink knee into the midsection of Hayes Hanlon, he threw the full impact with his hips there into the stomach of the Champion…
Richard Parker: Look, I’m not going to say that I’m the biggest fan of either of these two, Redding has his high points and Hayes is too damn sheepish with his whole starstruck thing with every damn person who claims veteran status, and if he’s not careful, he’s going to get starstruck into a technical contest and he’s not got the lungs or the experience to deal with that.
Nick Stuart: Dunno if I would agree with that Richard. Experience wise he may be young, but Hayes isn’t some slouch. He became 5 Star Champion at Culture Shock for a reason. But Redding has him in a side headlock, wrenching him downward, and oh! He’s messing with his hair!
Richard Parker: Face wash too!
The Willing Villain can’t help himself, grabbing and twisting at Hanlon’s nose, wrenching back hard and blasting him right in the bridge. He releases, Redding sauntering away, looking to Grady and Teddy Palmer, shouting about how he ‘got his nose!’. While Teddy gives a bit of a chuckle, Grady is pointing toward Hanlon, shouting at him to keep the pressure on. Red doesn’t seem too bothered by this, even pantomiming that he might’ve gotten a bunch of snot all over his taped hands. Maybe the whole process is a bit too much, though, as when he turns around, Hayes Hanlon is charging, throwing himself into him with a flying cross body!
Nick Stuart: Wonderful cross body by Hayes there! And they’re both scurrying to their feet back elbow! Red tries to cut him off and another back elbow sends him to the canvas and he’s rolling out of the ring now, the power showing up big here.
Richard Parker: The fans are building up the momentum pretty staggeringly here. And I don’t know, as much as Redding has the experience advantage, how he’s going to swing that back in his favor. He really struggles there.
Nick Stuart: Hayes at the ropes and he’s barking at Redding to get back in the ring, cocking back his nose, you can see that little joke of a move was a little more impactful than he’d like to admit.
Richard Parker: But he’s thinking better of it. He’s not going into that cluster of Grady and Palmer…
Nick Stuart: Palmer trying to brace his partner, trying to talk some sense into him–
Richard Parker: Listen to the wishful thinking there…
Nick Stuart: Red breaks away, he’s grabbing at the guardrail, he’s telling the fans in front of him to shut up, reaching for them, what is he doing–
Richard Parker: Grady is trying to redirect him–
Nick Stuart: Ashley Barlow is counting here. He’s counting. And Red, we’re nearing the count of six, we weren’t even paying attention here at everything, and it’s, this is so strange! It’s like just that little bit of offense has Alexander Redding so shook that he doesn’t even care about continuing this match!
Richard Parker: These Canucks…they’re freaking weird man. Some take their wrestling too seriously. And others, same breath, just make a mockery of the whole thing.
Nick Stuart: Ashley up to seven now, and what the…Hayes rolling under the bottom rope…
Richard Parker: About to get into the lion’s den.
But Ted and Grady are parting, wanting no part of Hayes. Alexander Redding is busy waving his hands off, having gone over the barricade, looking to get away from the match. He doesn’t get far…but that’s the point.
Nick Stuart: Oh! What was that he threw in Hayes eyes?!
Richard Parker: Probably a Molson.
Nick Stuart: It looks almost like pinetar!
Richard Parker: Okay…Molson Ice…
They serve them some imperial stouts in the MGM Grand it would seem, and for the poor fool who spent about fifteen bucks for one, his coffee flavored suds are now quenching the thirst of Hayes Hanlon’s eyes, causing him to stagger defenseless, all as Alexander Redding kamikaze throws himself in a launch with a leaping forearm smash that sends the bigger champion over the barricade and onto the pads on the other side.
And in the ruckus, we are getting dangerously close to a count out. But Redding, having stalled enough, gets help from Teddy Palmer, who grabs Hayes by the waistband and lifts him up before rolling him underneath the bottom rope. Red barely makes it before Ashley reaches the ten count, diving in, all before rising back up and feigning a few punches to the air before shrugging and giving an aww shucks to the crowd who begin to give him some boos.
Nick Stuart: Barely beating the ten count. Not a lot of matches in the return of PRIME have ended in a count out, the most notable being at Culture Shock, where Anglo Luchador survived Balaam just barely in that fashion.
Richard Parker: And by Hoyt was that a glorious scene until the finish.
Nick Stuart: Hayes trying to pick himself up, but Alexander Redding with a kick boot to the midsection, and then another, and oh, Hayes caught that one…
Richard Parker: Not for long.
Nick Stuart: Leaping enziguri! Alexander Redding catches the 5 Star Champion with a wicked leaping enziguri and he goes for the cover!
Nick Stuart: Oh a powerful kickout by the Champion here. Not going to be stopped that easily, but oh, Redding staying on the attack with a side russian legsweep!
Richard Parker: What did I say about technical contests and Hayes Hanlon?
Nick Stuart: Is it technical wrestling prowess to throw a beer in the eyes of someone?
Richard Parker: Did Ashley disqualify him? Adversity breeds character. And Hayes Hanlon, he’s a kid who needs some beat into his starstruck ass.
Nick Stuart: Red keeping on the full frontal assault here, big boot stomp…and Hayes…he lifts him up and stun guns him on the top turnbuckle. And another cover!
Richard Parker: Didn’t have as much power on that one, did he?
Nick Stuart: Alexander Redding displaying some killer instinct here. Look, you have to know that this man has his struggles. Perhaps he lacks some momentum, perhaps there’s some self confidence issues. Maybe it’s a feeling of being a perpetual outsider. But right now, on the attack, and coming off a win on ReVival 6, Alexander Redding is showing he belongs in this title picture despite having used that beer to get the early advantage.
Richard Parker: Maybe a little more seriousness will do him some good. This sport isn’t for jokers.
Nick Stuart: And Redding saying its over! What? Oh! Oh he’s going for it!
Richard Parker: Lifting Hayes up–
Nick Stuart: He’s going for the Grady Special III! A piledriver might finish it heeeee–
Richard Parker: Uh oh!
Nick Stuart: You had to see that coming! You had to see it! Hayes Hanlon explodes upward with a heavy back body drop out of the Grady Special! And before you can even blink, Hanlon is reaching the rising Redding AND GERMAN SUPLEX! GERMAN SUPLEX AND THE RING IS STILL SHAKING!
Richard Parker: It’s like a damn explosion–
Nick Stuart: Picture perfect! And Alexander Redding’s brains have to be scrambled with that!
Richard Parker: And what goes great with scrambled brains?
Nick Stuart: Flapjack! Oh man Hayes Hanlon nearly launched him into orbit with that velocity on that!
Richard Parker: The kid is starting to wake up…
Nick Stuart: Event Horizon. Like a meteor crashing into the Earth’s surface. This blue chipper arrived on the scene and he’s looked the part, and with the 5 Star Championship, he’s made an impressive start with showing for the part. But now–
Richard Parker: A shoe?
Nick Stuart: What the–
Richard Parker: Grady Patrick lost his shoe. In the ring. Almost like someone threw it in there.
Nick Stuart: And Ashley, she’s, what is Grady doing in that ring?!
Richard Parker: Isn’t it obvious?
Nick Stuart: He’s trying to give his man a break!
Richard Parker: Look sometimes your kicks can do this. Spontaneous combustion is a thing. A messy thing but still…
Nick Stuart: Ashley trying to stop him here but he’s blocking off the referee’s vision…
Richard Parker: Nick! You’re missing the action!
Nick Stuart: Hayes not caring with who is getting in the ring! He’s going for a headlock takeover wait…wait…WAIT!
Richard Parker: What was that bit of silver–
Nick Stuart: OH! WHAT A…WHAT A SICKENING THUD! Are those…are those handcuffs? They’re handcuffs! And Alexander Redding, he used them like a set of brass knuckles!
Richard Parker: Oh I don’t know about that–
Nick Stuart: There’s a wound over the eye of Hayes Hanlon Richard! And he’s groggy. Oh no! Not like this! Backdrop backbreaker! Backdrop backbreaker! Alexander Redding! Did he just become the 5 Star Champion in this way! No! No!
KICKOUT AT THE VERY LAST SECOND!
Richard Parker: That was his shot! He loaded up and took his shot!
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon staggering! Alexander Redding is in shock! Utter shock! And Grady Patrick, that damn weasel, he’s not far behind! And now the other shoe flies! Ashley Barlow struggling to keep everything in control right now this is madness! Hanlon’s busted open over his eye and he’s seething, you can see it, he’s stark raving mad like a bull! But he keeps falling to his knees! Red tries to kick his leg out but oh! Oh! A driving headbutt from Hayes Hanlon! That smears him with crimson!
Richard Parker: The fans are going crazy!
Nick Stuart: So much wildness going on! What is going on?! Hanlon whips Redding across the ring and OH MY GOD! MASSIVE ATTACK! WHAT A SAMOAN DROP! COVER HIM!
Richard Parker: Bias!
Nick Stuart: But Ashley doesn’t even see it because of Grady’s damn wardrobe malfunctions are you kidding me?! Are you kidding me?! Teddy Palmer just grabbed and pulled Hayes Hanlon off of Redding and launches him into the ring steps! Disqualify him! Disqualify this man!
Richard Parker: Look if we had instant replay–
Nick Stuart: Grady and Teddy Palmer have made a mockery of this main event match! And Hayes Hanlon, he’s a mess right now! Alexander Redding, he is ready to pounce from inside the ring, diving outside with an elbow drop! Jesus are you kidding me here?!
Richard Parker: Wait what!
Nick Stuart: The fans are going crazy…wait…who is that coming down the aisle…
Richard Parker: It smells like Bengay.
Nick Stuart: Is that, is that, why are Nova and Garbage Bag Johnny in silver jump suits–
Richard Parker: They look like liverwurst! And liver spots! And liver!
Nick Stuart: Melvin Beauregard being cagey about Survivor challenges here…
Richard Parker: What challenge do you know of involves two men putting on fifty years and reeking of cat piss and hospice care?
Nick Stuart: They’re moving fast here, and OH! These two crude dudes with the attitudes are taking it to Teddy Palmer and Grady Patrick!
Richard Parker: Is this how COVID 22 starts, with Johnny biting at the face of Teddy Palmer?! That’s hepatitis!
Nick Stuart: Ashley Barlow is throwing up her hands! She’s lost all control! But the 5 Star Championship is on the line! She’s looking for Redding and Hanlon, and they’re on the outside duking it out, firing back chops, forearms, this is getting so out of damn control! I can’t keep things straight! She’s counting them out of the ring!
Richard Parker: She’s warning them!
Nick Stuart: Hanlon and Redding need to get back in the ring! Ashley is counting fast here because of everything!
Richard Parker: WHY IS NOVA HITTING GRADY PATRICK WITH A COLOSTOMY BAG?!
Nick Stuart: Lindsay Troy is…oh my word she’s going to be pissed and fine heavy with everything going on here, this is insanity! Barlow just gives up! Wait no!
DING DING DING
The crowd is in the frenzy, regardless of the incoming announcement.
Vince Howard: This 5 Star Championship Match is ruled…a double! Countout!
Nick Stuart: This…are we going off the air with this?!
Richard Parker: Garbage Bag Johnny is trying to choke the life out of Teddy Palmer with handfuls of Werther’s Originals!
And the midst of the craziness, Hayes Hanlon and Alexander Redding are still going at it, slapping at each other, looking to get the upper hand, a heel kick, and shoulder block, nothing settled, the two charging the other into the barricades, perhaps a fresh new rivalry having been born out of a miasma of outright craziness.