FIVE STAR TITLE MATCH:
HAYES HANLON (C) VS. REZIN
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit, and will be for the FIVE STAR CHAMPIONSHIP!
The lights dim to black as the haunting blare of an air raid siren fills the Grand Garden Arena.
Nick Stuart: Better duck and cover, Richard!
Richard Parker: Forget it, I’m not getting under this table. The floor is sticky…
On the PRIMEView: a nondescript view of the desert. Then an ancient, pre-recorded voice echoes through the arena…
“We waited until the blast had passed…”
Off the words of J. Robert Oppenheimer, the PRIMEView is suddenly washed out in white light. Krzysztof Penderecki’s “Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima” screeches in over the PA.
“Walked out of the shelter and then it was extremely solemn.”
When the light fades, the desert is aflame beneath the shadow of a rising mushroom cloud.
“We knew the world would not be the same.
“A few people laughed, a few people cried.
“Most people were silent.”
Beneath the explosion footage, a wall of blinding white floodlights pour out through the entry-way.
“I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita:
“Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, he takes on his multi-armed form and says…”
A human figure appears before the wall of light. Recognizable features are completely silhouetted against the intense backlighting. It slowly strides through the curtain, casting a long shadow across the arena and over the PRIME ring.
“’Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’”
The music cuts. Everything goes BLACK…
…and stays that way.
Richard Parker: Um… okay, I’m confused, is this part of the entrance?
Nick Stuart: Not sure, partner…
A confused din spreads through the crowd, along with hundreds of phone lights. Peaking over the noise is an especially raspy and confused voice shouting through the darkness from the direction of the stage.
A lighter flicks on. The confused face of REZIN appears.
Rezin: …what is the friggin HOLD-UP?!
The house lights, quite anticlimactically, return to their normal lighting scheme.
Nick Stuart: What the…?
Rezin, revealed to be awkwardly standing alone on the stage, is looking around as if something was supposed to happen. When it doesn’t, he directs his angry glare at the production crew off to the side.
Rezin: Where’s the BANG?! There was SUPPOSED to be a BANG!!
Crew Member: Sorry, Mr. Rezin… we blew a fuse. Start it again from the top?
Rezin: …grrrRRRAAAHH SCREW IT!! The moment’s already been RUINED! Just cue the music…
The thrashing riffs of “Apocalyptic Havoc” by Goatwhore rip through the PA, but the Goat Bastard immediately begins giving the production team the signal to cut it.
Rezin: NO, DAMBIT, not THAT ONE! The NEW ONE! I swear, if you guys were any more USELESS, you could get jobs workin’ for the ELL-VEE-PEE-DEE!!
After a few moments, the PA debuts the Goat Bastard’s new entrance theme, Ministry’s cover of “Search and Destroy”, albeit to very little fanfare. Beyond aggravated by this point, Rezin impatiently stomps down the rampway while the crowd gets an open chance to heckle him over the botched entrance.
Nick Stuart: We apologize for the technical difficulties, folks.
Richard Parker: No! Do not apologize for this! This is hilarious!
Rezin takes his time down the rampway, caught up in trash-talking with the fans that are daring enough to laugh at his faux pas. Suddenly–
Double mushroom crowd pyros suddenly EXPLODE on the sides of the stage, way past their intended cue, and the Goat Bastard is caught in such surprise that he is knocked off balance and sent rolling down the rampway!
Nick Stuart: OH!! Bit of a delayed reaction there…
Richard Parker: How much are we paying this effects team again?
The challenger tumbles the rest of the way down the ramp and finally lands on his ass at ringside, his face comically red and scowling. The PRIMEates laugh hysterically.
Rezin pulls himself to his feet and dusts himself off. He slowly walks along the guardrail encircling the ring, loudly and brazenly insulting the ringside fans and getting the crowd hot. Al Jourgensen’s vocals finally come in to tell the full story.
“WELL I’M A STREET-WALKIN’ CHEETAH WITH A HEART FULL OF NAPALM!
“WELL I’M THE RUNAWAY SON OF THE NUCLEAR A-BOMB!”
A “MAIN EVENT HORIZON” sign gets torn out of the hands of a younger fan and ripped to pieces. One guy’s drink, hanging a little too far over the rail, gets plucked from his hand and thrown out over the crowd, dousing the first three rows in Coke and ice. The PRIMEates are livid! Rezin defiantly cackles in their faces!
“I AM THE WORLD’S FORGOTTEN BOY!
“THE ONE WHO SEARCHES AND DESTROYS!”
Nick Stuart: Look alive, Rich! He’s coming this way!
The Goat Bastard hops onto the commentary table to get himself elevated, daringly glares out into the crowd, and verbally savages the fans. Jeers and a volley of trash come raining back.
Richard Parker: STOP, you idiot! We’re getting pelted down here!
Rezin hops from the commentary table to the steps, the steps to the apron, and over the ropes to enter the ring. He scales a corner and takes a seat on the top turnbuckle, looking out over the sea of hostile fans surrounding him. His arms fan out into a cross-pose, acting like PRIME’s greatest pariah. The crowd lets him have it.
The Goat Bastard lets himself drop into the Tree of Woe position and continues to hang there, upside down while waiting on the champion, arms crossed over his chest, wild eyes watching the entrance…
High tempo beats kick in. The PRIME*View ignites. Deep space, soaring through the cosmos.
Screen shaking, approaching the enormous, light-halo’d sphere. The pull is inescapable. It takes over the screen, then blinks to nothing.
You know what time it is.
The intro to “Black Hole” by We Came as Romans blasts hard among pulsing white flash bulbs, revealing the silhouette of PRIME’s Five Star Champion.
Nick Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get Five Star!
Out walks The Event Horizon, his belt over shoulder. The arena erupts for the young Hayes Hanlon, emerging from the wall of white flashing lights. The first verse carries on, and as it crescendos, Hayes tilts his head back with eyes closed, takes a deep breath in through his nose, and slowly lifts the belt overhead in one hand.
I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE IN MY HEAAADDD!!!
REACH INTO THE DARKNESS FOR WHAT’S LEEEEFFTT!!
I’M FIGHTING THE GRAAAVITY!!
IT’S PULLING THE WORST PART OUT OF MEE!!
As the chorus fades, Hayes makes his march, belt draped across his shoulders like a sauna towel. Eyes peeled and trained on his challenger, the smallest of smiles behind his mustache.
Nick Stuart: Since his exit from the Almasy Invitational, Hayes Hanlon has been on a roll! Victorious against nine competitors in the Five Star Scramble to win the title, and successfully defending against Alexander Redding and Cecilia Ryan. But now he faces a different kind of opponent, some might say his polar opposite, in Rezin.
Richard Parker: The kid’s had a run, but he’d better check himself quick. Not everyone might notice, but that ego is starting to grow.
Climbing the steps, Hayes gives Rezin a half-assed salute with two fingers before climbing inside. He walks past The Goat Bastard with head held high, stepping onto the first rope. He turns to face ringside, throwing another glance to his opponent, before leaning back over the ringpost and laying his belt across his chest, arms outstretched wide to meet the chorus.
I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE IN MY HEAAADDD!!!
REACH INTO THE DARKNESS FOR WHAT’S LEEEEFFTT!!
I’M FIGHTING THE GRAAAVITY!!
IT’S PULLING THE WORST PART OUT OF MEE!!
He hops down, meeting the remaining posts with a quick hoist of the belt while the music breaks down. Finally he hands the belt off to Ashley Barlow, who presents it to The Garden Arena. The crowd roars for the Five Star Stud, who finds his place in his corner, ready to put on a show.
Hanlon hands the Five Star title belt to referee Ashley Barlow, who raises it for all in the arena to see, as Rezin flips himself down from the cornerpost and psyches himself up for the match. Hanlon is unphased, as Barlow hands the belt ringside and gestures to both men, asking their readiness before ringing the bell.
Nick Stuart: This one’s been brewing for a while, and it’s now the second time these two men have faced off for the title!
Richard Parker: Yeah, ever since Culture Shock, these two have been at it, and tonight they finally settle this once and for all.
Nick Stuart: It was at Culture Shock when Hanlon won the championship in a five-way match, with Rezin breaking up the deciding fall just a liiiiiiiiiiitle too late! And since then Rezin has antagonized Hanlon, leading up to THIS match.
Rezin and Hayes slowly step towards one another, staring each other down, ready to settle their rivalry once and for all, and determine who is worthy of the PRIME Five Star title…
…only for Rezin to roll out of the ring to a jeering Las Vegas crowd! Rezin saunters to the nearest camera and points to his own cranium tauntingly. He looks back at Hanlon, as Ashley Barlow starts counting him out.
Richard Parker: SMART strategy by the challenger, can’t run yourself too ragged in a big match like this!
Richard Parker: Stay out there till 9! You’ll be just like that scumbag Jiles.
Nick Stuart: I don’t ever want to see that many ten counts again.
Rezin nonchalantly rolls into the ring, and makes a lunge for the Five Star Champion’s legs and wraps around behind him, before leaning back to the ropes and stretching his arms out, tauntingly. The crowd is CLEARLY not enjoying this display of arrogance, and neither is Hayes Hanlon, as he unleashes an EXPLOSIVE right hand to Rezin’s jaw that knocks him back a little as the challenger flails his legs in panic! Hayes fires another right, and another, before winding his arm up, as the crowd goes wild!
Nick Stuart: And a huge haymaker on the way from Hanlon!
Richard Parker: NOT GOOD!
A MASSIVE haymaker from Hayes Hanlon sends Rezin over the top rope and onto his feet on the ringside floor, before tumbling backwards! The challenger is clutching his head as he struggles to recover, while Hanlon now follows suit to the outside of the ring! He grabs Rezin by his hair and sends him reeling with a headbutt that has him staggering into the guardrail, before appealing to the crowd!
Nick Stuart: Dangerous man to pose against.
Richard Parker: Doesn’t this kid ever figure this out…
Hanlon soaks in the roars of the crowd, almost to the detriment of his focus on the match, before going back to work and grabbing Rezin by the scruff and whipping him into the nearest rail…
Nick Stuart: AND HE GAVE REZIN TOO MUCH TIME!
…only for Rezin to hop onto the TOP of said guardrail, and leap off with a Rezinsault onto Hanlon, but the Event Horizon manages to CATCH Rezin mid-air, holding him over his shoulder! As Rezin flails and struggles to free himself, Hanlon points towards the nearest steel ringpost, and as the crowd ramps up in cheers, he rushes towards the post, launching Rezin face-first into the steel! Rezin ricochets off the post and rolls along the apron before landing on the floor yet again, as the crowd goes wild!
Richard Parker: That has to be illegal, Ashley, disqualify him!
Nick Stuart: Richard, he used the ring, you can use the ring as a weapon.
Richard Parker: YOU SAID IT’S A WEAPON!
The champion hypes the crowd up farther, before grabbing Rezin and rolling him back into the ring and following suit! Hanlon makes “c’mon, get up!” gestures at Rezin as he rolls around on the mat, looking for a way back up to his feet. As Rezin scrambles on the mat, Hanlon drives an elbow into his chest, before picking him up and wrapping his arms around Rezin’s waist and taking him over and down with a belly-to-belly suplex, followed by a cover!
Nick Stuart: Big belly-to-belly suplex by Hanlon there!
Richard Parker: Thank Hoyt.
Rezin kicks out early, and seems to be finding a second wind, as he is slowly but surely rising up to one knee, an intense look carved on his face. He gets back up, and throws a haymaker into Hanlon’s face!
Richard Parker: FIGHT BACK YOU GOAT BASTARD!
Nick Stuart: Can we say that about wrestlers?
Richard Parker: He says it about himself.
A low hum comes over the crowd as Hanlon barely registers the hit, and responds with a MEATY forearm that makes Rezin reel back into the ropes, only to bounce back and punch Hanlon again! This one actually dazes Hanlon a little, but the champion rallies on and waffles Rezin again! That punch also sends Rezin into the ropes, but THIS time, he spins into the air…
Nick Stuart: What a spinning heel kick by Rezin!
The Five Star Champion is knocked for a loop as he takes that spinning heel kick, but is just on the verge of falling over! He manages to catch himself and lumber towards Rezin…
Richard Parker: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMBER!
Seeing an opening, Rezin jumps up and down and points down on Hanlon, before hustling up the ropes and landing a haphazard Rezinsault onto the champ for the pin!
HANLON KICKS OUT! REZIN IS BESIDE HIMSELF!
Richard Parker: JUST DIE KID! JUST DIE!
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon has a lot of fight left in him. He didn’t survive a roided up Cecilia Ryan and four other people in a five way just to lose like that.
Rezin goes back onto the offensive, launching a salvo of kicks to the body of the Five Star Champion, and bounds off the ropes, only to get caught in a BIG powerslam for a cover!
Nick Stuart: NOT ENOUGH! Rezin survives!
Richard Parker: Someone get Hayes some drugs or something, I heard his brother OD’d a few weeks back. Maybe that’ll help Rezin get ahead.
Nick Stuart: That was really messed up Richard.
Richard Parker: I’M NOT SORRY!
Rezin kicks out, but Hanlon is not discouraged, as he pulls his challenger back up to his feet and gets his hands on Rezin’s throat, signaling for the Epoch!
But Rezin manages to kick Hanlon in the breadbasket mid-lift, doubling the champion over long enough for Rezin to bound off the ropes and drive his face into the mat with a bulldog! The challenger bounds up the ropes, waiting for Hanlon to rise up, and plants a picture-perfect missile dropkick into the champ’s face! Rezin is on a roll, and scrambles to get the Five Star Champion to his feet, doubling him over and hooking his arms for the Inverted Cross Driver…
… which fails as Hanlon pushes Rezin off the ropes chest-first, which makes him bounce backwards and into a POWERFUL GERMAN SUPLEX!
Nick Stuart: What a display of explosive power by the Five Star Champion!
Richard Parker: No bridge, all impact, baby!
Hanlon rises to his feet and plays to the crowd while Rezin flops around like a fish out of water on the mat, before reaching into his tights and pulling out a joint! He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter, and fires it up to the approval of the roaring crowd!
Nick Stuart: The champ having a little party time in the middle of the match!
Richard Parker: He better not get too comfy, or else his title reign’s gonna go up in smoke!
Nick Stuart: …you’ve been waiting a while to say that line, haven’t you?
Richard Parker: What, is it that obvious?
Rezin staggers to his feet, and blindly rushes towards Hanlon, who catches him and hoists him across his shoulders, before driving him to the mat with an impactful Samoan drop!
Hanlon covers Rezin and Ashley Barlow is right there with the count!
REZIN GETS A SHOULDER UP!
Nick Stuart: Another kick out!
Richard Parker: C’MON DO SOMETHING! HE GOT THE DRUGS OUT AND EVERYTHING!
Unfazed, the champion takes one last drag off his joint before passing it off to ringside and leaning into the corner, waiting for Rezin to get up!
Rezin is wobbling on his feet, something the reigning Five Star Champion notices as he lines up for the kill in the corner, hyping the crowd up and jogging in place, until Rezin staggers RIGHT into Hanlon’s path for a THUNDEROUS LARIAT that sends Rezin almost airborne, and the Event Horizon haphazardly rolling into the opposite corner! However, the Five Star Champion wastes no time in getting back up to his feet and signaling for the end!
Nick Stuart: What a Lariat from Hanlon.
Richard Parker: Probably some cowboy from Texas who wished his was that good.
Hanlon grabs Rezin by the hair to pull him back to his feet, then gets his hands on Rezin’s throat and hoists him up for another try at the Epoch…
Nick Stuart: And Rezin sneaks out the back door!
But Rezin manages to pull himself together long enough to box Hanlon’s ears mid-lift, forcing him to drop Rezin back to his feet! The challenger rushes off the ropes, and unleashes ANOTHER Cloven Hoof Kick! This one, however, actually makes the champion drop to a knee and clutch his jaw until Rezin pulls him up back to his feet and puts the champ’s jaw over his shoulder, before taking the big leap…
Richard Parker: YES! YES! THE DRUGS WORKED!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think it was the drugs, but what a move by Rezin!
Rezin drives Hanlon’s skull into the mat with Into the Void! The challenger is dazed for a second, but rushes over to drape an arm over Hanlon’s chest, and Ashley Barlow is there to count!
DING DING DING
Hayes is unable to kick out in time, and Rezin rolls onto his back as the referee reaches to the timekeeper for the belt!
Vince Howard: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, here is your winner…
…and NEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW! FIVE STAR CHAMPION
Ministry’s cover of “Search and Destroy” begins anew as Ashley puts the belt on Rezin’s chest, causing him to look down and beam with excitement as he realizes he just won!
Richard Parker: I can’t believe it! That crusty punk rock piece of gutter trash did it!
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon can’t believe it either
Richard Parker: And he even looked like a capable wrestler! Miracles do happen!
Nick Stuart: Don’t say that too loud, they might hear you in Chicago. We’ve got to take a quick commercial break. Don’t go anywhere!