FLAMBERGE vs. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
I AM dangerous
Dangerous
Dangerous
Dangerous
Nick Stuart: You have to be kidding me!
“Dangereux” by IAM. And across the PRIMEview?
FLAMBERGE
Nick Stuart: Folks, I would be remiss to state that these two men are exactly fan favorites in PRIME. However, they are two decidedly strong young talents, and this match up is sure to be quite interesting.
The former 5 Star Champion, the French Super Athlete, FLAMBERGE walks briskly to the ring, stone-faced, ignoring the fans around him as he is in the zone. He carries with him swagger, confidence, and heat in both his hands and his knees. He walks around the ring before hopping onto the ring apron and slipping through the ropes.
Vince Howard: This bout is scheduled for one fall, and has a thirty minute time limit! Introducing first, standing six feet and weighing in at two-hundred-and-six-pounds, he hails from STRASBOURG, FRANCE! He is…FLLLLLLAAAAAAM! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRGE!
On the opening cords of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith, the Smoothie Center boos heavily. This ReVival, there is no solo Jonathan-Christopher Hall, but rather, a confident one, flanked by his Amazing Life Partner Vickie Hall and fellow Love Convoy member Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy. They hold hands, their eyes locked on one another, all as Tristan-Crispin saunters behind, giving himself big ole NUZZLE hugs.
Psychopaths, all.
Vince Howard: And finally, accompanied by Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy and his Amazing Life Partner Vickie Hall, from Folsom, Louisiana and weighing in at two-hundred and twenty pounds…JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL!
The trio make their way to the ring, and as he goes to the ring steps, the Timid Tiger blows his Vickie a kiss. Leaving his Amazing Life Partner, Jonathan-Christopher makes his way into the ring. His attentions, always on Vickie, rob him of the awareness of the bullet heading his way, grabbing him by the neck and ripping him into the ring over the top rope. Jonathan-Christopher tries to get to his feet, but a barrage of ferocious elbow strikes blast him across the ring, dropping him to the canvas, all while Ashley Barlow tries to gain some form of order as FLAMBERGE continues to strike. Falling back onto his ass, Hall tries to beg off, crossing his arms, back perching against the corner, all as Vickie tries to grab hold of him, shrill screaming like a banshee, the melted crayola of Barbie’s launches a nonstop stream of curses that, given that it’s coming from her, get censored by the Ace Network. PWATv carries the whole thing, though, and the world is poorer for it.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE not wasting any time here! He’s on a mission! A heat seeking missile assault on Jonathan-Christopher Hall!
Richard Parker: This…this is not love! Jonathan-Christopher is a lover, not a damn pit fighter! This kind of assault is just…well…I mean…
Nick Stuart: Circuits getting crossed, Richard?
Richard Parker: I mean, this is…this match…it’s going to be a tough one…and FLAMBERGE isn’t making it any easier. I was…I wanted a sporting competition. Not a bar room brawl!
Gladhappy is storming about the outside of the ring, trying to pull Vickie away, and the only way he manages is with the power of NUZZLES~! YES, NUZZLES~! And JCH? He is only still surviving because Barlow is acting as a barrier, stern in her stance, admonishing the French Super Athlete.
FLAMBERGE: Laisse-moi à cette salope de Nicholas Sparks! Je vais lui faire manger de la merde et de la colle!
Ace would probably censor this too, but their French department is rather lax. Jonathan-Christopher tries to take a powder, but as he is about to slip away, FLAMBERGE swim moves past Barlow, snatching Hall by the ankle, yanking him away from the ropes before dropping a crushing elbow to his throat. Rising to his feet, FLAMBERGE is about to smash him in the face with another powerful forearm strike, perhaps even a knockout blow, but Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy helps his fellow partner in love (surely not the kind that lands you in court, no siree), all as JCH grabs at his throat and neck and stumbles, dropping to a knee before shooting back to a stand. A violent swing from Hall follows, hitting only air, causing the ALP to fall on his face.
Nick Stuart: Hall in all sorts of trouble here!
Richard Parker: And WATCH OUT! FLAMBERGE IS COMING!
The former 5 Star Champion is, indeed, coming, slipping under the bottom rope. Tristan gives his friend and maybe future cellmate a push to get him going, causing JCH to start running around the ring. FLAMBO is fast, but he is no FLAMBORGHINI, but all the same, he still gives chase, following behind, drawing closer and closer. One revolution around the ring. Another.
Nick Stuart: Did…did Hall do something to FLAMBERGE? This seems rather intense.
Richard Parker: I mean, maybe he said his dad loves him very much.
As they are about to do their third run around the ring, and as they are about to cross Vickie Hall, Jonathan-Christopher passes. FLAMBERGE is about to. Except for one thing; her foot trips him. And not seeing the foot, FLAMBERGE quickly spirals out of control, wobbling before crashing down violently. JCH is halfway across the outside of the ring before he hears the shouting of his Amazing Life Partner over the beating of his own heart. And when he does? He sees a chance to strike. He quickly makes his way back, grabbing onto FLAMBERGE as he is trying to get up, hitting him with a crisp (not Crispin) swinging neckbreaker. The thud is dull against the padding. Fueled by the power of love, Hall shoots up, grabbing onto FLAMBERGE by his wonderful and stylish hair, all before driving him into the ring steps.
Is Ashley Barlow counting? Yes. Let’s say we are at eight. Because it doesn’t matter. Because Jonathan-Christopher Hall is now rolling the former 5 Star Champion back into the ring, returning himself, and, once again, grabbing him by his wonderful locks (sponsored by Bret’s Cote du Boeuf Potato Chips; these original crisps will delight meat lovers with their good taste of grilled beef and their slightly sweet juicy note! Bret’s Chips…by…BRET’S!), pulling him up by said locks (sponsored by Philip B Forever Shine Shampoo…transforms all hair types with instant, dramatic results! With Saffron!) until the French Super Athlete is on all fours.
Nick Stuart: The tide might be shifting thanks to that trip by Vickie Hall…and look at her…just twirling her hair like she did nothing wrong…
Richard Parker: Well…I mean…you have to be aware of your surroundings.
The Timid Tiger backs into the ropes, springing off them and jumping forward, the heels of his boots connecting with the side of FLAMBERGE’s head with a dropkick. The blow is enough to force the former 5 Star Champion to roll to the ring apron, all before trying to pick himself up with the the ropes. Vickie, in all her eldritch glory, whispers in the ear of Tristan-Crispin, who nods and beams, giving himself a big ole NUZZLE~! Because you see…self NUZZLES are a wonderful form of SELF CARE~! He walks to FLAMBERGE, looking to reach for him.
Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy: HEY FRIEND, IT’S TIME TO LISTEN TO THE LATEST MIX FROM DJ TRISTY CRISPY!
Oh what a treat.
Except, as his fingers draw close to smother FLAMBO in Hell’s cruel embrace, Barlow is quick to tell him that if comes one step closer, it’s a disqualification. And poor Tristan is now crestfallen. And Vickie Hall is The Swear Word Monster. There is no child or the secret here…just pure, unadulterated FCC fining madness.
Nick Stuart: Official Ashley Barlow on top of everything as it pertains to this contest.
Richard Parker: Surely didn’t pick up them awareness skills from Old Man Bolamba.
Hall hits the opposite ropes again, barreling straight towards FLAMBERGE, and when he reaches the ropes, he dives through, crashing into the rising FLAMBO with a cross body that sends both men crashing to the outside. The Glue Factory Prodigy acts as the mattress. Ouchies. The Timid Tiger picks himself up first, and as he does, finds himself in the welcome embrace of his Amazing Life Partner, the pair giving each other eskimo kisses.
Richard Parker: WHAT THE HELL, THIS ISN’T AN ONLYFANS POST!!!
Nick Stuart: What do you…
Richard Parker: SCANDALOUS! SALACIOUS! Yet…from the heart.
Nick Stuart: Are you…are you sure you’re not Dr. Zeke? Do you need your blood pressure medicines?
Richard Parker: If they keep this up…I just might.
As the pair continue their utterly lewd and disgusting act of affection, all as the Smoothie Center rains down boos, Hall, from time to time, puts a boot to the recovering FLAMBERGE. And once Vickie’s heart can take no more (in actuality, she’s telling Jonathan-Christopher that enough is enough, and that his sweat is very stinky and groooooooooss but I loooooove u bby), the Timid Tiger moves on the attack, grabbing onto FLAMBO with a front chancery and then snap suplexing him onto the concrete.
Nick Stuart: Ooooh! The air driven out of FLAMBERGE’s body with that snap suplex, and you can see the damage…
Richard Parker: Writhing in pain. Back arched up. I feel for him. I actually do. This…I don’t want to pick between these two. This is not a choice I wish to make.
Nick Stuart: Hall now on the apron…
Richard Parker: Wait a minute–
Nick Stuart: Leg drop! Leg drop from the apron! That’s, that’s brutal!
Richard Parker: Jonathan-Christopher might have hurt his tail feather with that move!
Wincing and grabbing his 7.5 out of 10 on the Sykes Dumper Scale backside, Hall get back to his feet, and despite the jarring nature of what just transpired, he grabs hold of FLAMBERGE and rolls him back into the ring. With both men inside, Hall pulls FLAMBERGE up and hangs his neck over the middle rope, hitting the ropes, and on the carom, looking for a leg drop on the back of FLAMBERGE’s neck.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE moving in the nick of time!
The crash causes JCH to stumble back to his feet, again wincing. And as he does? FLAMBERGE grabs onto his arm and nails an ippon seoi nage.
Nick Stuart: The judo background of FLAMBERGE being shown here!
FLAMBERGE doesn’t let go of the arm, instead dragging the Timid Tiger back to his feet, only to ippon seoi nage him once again, violently, a crash into the canvas, and this time, FLAMBERGE takes the arm for himself, locking his legs and yanking back with a vicious armbar.
Nick Stuart: ARMBAR! He’s got him locked down deep with an armbar!!
Richard Parker: And that’s expert joint manipulation, oh my word…oh my word…my heart…if this Hallmark Journey has to end, at least it will end at the hands of a brilliant and vicious competitor.
FLAMBERGE pulls back hard on the armbar as Barlow asks Hall if he wants to quit. The Timid Tiger screams, yelps, cries in pain, his arm being bent in an unnatural position. And he is close to the ropes, but given the searing pain shooting through his arm, he is oblivious to it. What he is also oblivious to, as is FLAMBERGE, is the nudge to Ashley Barlow’s back from Vickie Hall, causing the young referee to shoot her eyes in a death glare at JCH’s ALP. There is no warning. She signals for her to get her ass OUT OF THERE! And as Vickie throws an absolute temper tantrum, Vince Howard confirms.
Vince Howard: Vickie Hall has been ejected from ringside!
Do the Enemigos come out? Does Wade Elliott? No. Because Vickie is smirking wildly, almost frothing at the mouth. And why?
Because Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy has perched Jonathan-Christopher’s ankle onto the bottom rope.
Nick Stuart: Oh you have to be kidding me!
Ashley has no choice…she calls for the break. But that doesn’t mean FLAMBERGE is going to give it up quickly. Or that, when he doesn’t, he isn’t going to bring the point of his elbow down across the face of the Timid Tiger.
Richard Parker: Not in the mush melon!
The violent onslaught is enough for Tristan-Crispin, who gets onto the ring apron, trying to plead that this is not NUZZLES! And as his friend, cousin, partner, whatever the hell he is, writhes in pain, trying to get feeling back in his arm, FLAMBERGE pounces on Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy, yanking him over the rope by his hair, walloping him with brutal uppercut and then an axe kick that utterly destroys TCG. And that’s not all.
FLAMBERGE: Tu veux des câlins, espèce de gobelin de merde qui respire par la bouche? Je vais te faire des câlins et des bisous, depuis mon putain de genou!
Do you want to know what that means?
It means a muay thai clinch.
It means obliterating knee strikes.
It means Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy, who is about to face off against The Anglo Luchador, is the man Julien Lavigne shot in Reno just to watch die.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE IS A ONE MAN WRECKING CREW RIGHT HERE!
Richard Parker: OH MY HOOOOOOOYT! WAAAIT!
Nick Stuart: CHASING VICKIE! CHASING VICKIE! HALL JUST BLASTED FLAMBERGE WITH THE RUNNING FLYING BACK ELBOW!
Richard Parker: OOOOH!
Nick Stuart: JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER…LOOKING TO STEAL THIS…HE’S GOT FLAMBERGE…OH DOUBLE CHICKENWING…STAND BY MEEEEEE–
Richard Parker: WAIT!
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE IS FREE! SOMEHOW HE’S FREE! AXE KICK!
Sorry. Hallmark Channel cancelled.
Richard Parker: MARIE ANTOINETTE!
Like a boa constrictor, FLAMBERGE wraps around the body of Jonathan-Christopher Hall. There are no life lines. No bullets. Life is ending. The future is here. Enjoy the sleep. Buy Glue.
Nick Stuart: HALL TAPS!
DING DING DING
FLAMBERGE releases, kicking Jonathan-Christopher Hall’s form away from him, all before taking to his feet, swaggering about the ring like he has the biggest balls in the world. And why wouldn’t he? Because the momentum train, despite a Colossus hiccup, is still firmly on the tracks.
Vince Howard: Your winner…BY SUBMISSION! FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBEEEEEEEEEEERGE!
Richard Parker: If that wasn’t a warning shot to the rest of the PRIME…
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE might just be showing the world that, in a few short weeks, he’s more than just a chic darkhorse pick to win the Culture Shock Battle Royal.
And with that, we go elsewhere.