FLAMBERGE vs. NATE COLTON
We cut back to the ring, where the opening guitars of “Tryin’” by the Eagles greet the fans. The crowd rises as Nate Colton bursts through the curtains, heading for the ring wearing his blue satin jacket, emblazoned with the name “COLTON” on the back.
Vince Howard: This contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first… from Evansville, Indiana! He weighs in at two-hundred and fifty-five pounds! NATE! COOOOOOLTOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!
Nate reaches the ring, climbs up the stairs, and steps through the ropes and into the ring. Once he’s there, he starts taking his jacket off. He doesn’t even show off his gear. His jacket is already dumped out to the floor for the poor ringside attendant to collect, and he paces impatiently in the ring.
Nick Stuart: You can tell how all-business Nate Colton is here. He’s raring to go.
Richard Parker: That’s a mistake, Nick. FLAMBERGE is going to choke his dumbass out, and then he’s going to drink the tears of the whole Colton family.
“Dangereux” by IAM. The crowd boos. Like, a lot. FLAMBERGE almost explodes out of the curtains, walking with a driven purpose that he normally doesn’t display.
Vince Howard: His opponent! From Strasbourg, France! He weighs in at two hundred and six pounds! This! Is! FLAMBERRRRRRRRRRRGE!
FLAMBERGE foregoes his usual lap around the ring. He stomps up the stairs and steps through the ropes, and immediately steps right into Nate Colton’s space. Only the presence of referee Jimmy Turnbull prevents things from starting before he can call for the bell.
Richard Parker: Look, if I were the referee, I’d just let these two slug it out and go get a sandwich or something. Let them sort it all out between them.
Nick Stuart: That’s not how that works.
Richard Parker: Yeah, you’re right. There’s never a good sandwich place when you need one.
Nate Colton doesn’t back down, either. He stands there and stares down at the smaller man, eager to get things started. And FLAMBERGE only backs down because referee Turnbull physically puts himself between them, ordering both of them to their respective corners.
Once they were there, Turnbull signals for the bell.
DING DING DING
Nate Colton starts to circle, looking for the collar-and-elbow. But FLAMBERGE walks directly at Nate, not wanting to play that game. When they do lock up, it’s aggressive from FLAMBERGE’s part, as he tries to push Colton into the corner. But Colton is a much bigger man, and isn’t as easily manhandled by the smaller Frenchman. Not in that way, anyway.
Eventually, Colton muscles FLAMBERGE into the corner, and the referee administers a five count to get them out. After a count of four, the two men aren’t out yet, so Turnbull takes it upon himself to break them up.
But don’t worry, FLAMBERGE has a great idea on how to get Nate Colton out of the corner. It’s the answer to an age-old joke, told through generations.
“What did the thumb say to the eyeball?”
Well, nobody said it’s a good joke.
Nick Stuart: Cheap shot by FLAMBERGE!
Richard Parker: That’s my boy!
Colton steps backwards, his hand up in his eye. This allows FLAMBERGE to easily take him down with a double leg takedown, and then quickly transition to a mounted position. FLAMBERGE then moves to try and grab the jujigatame, only for Nate to pull his arm free before FLAMBERGE can even get his legs around it. Pure power. FLAMBERGE goes wide-eyed at how quickly he lost the armbar, but he quickly recovers from the surprise and goes to grab the chinlock.
Nate takes FLAMBERGE’s arm as it comes around his neck, slips out, and gets him in a hammerlock. And FLAMBERGE hates it if the disgusted grimace on his face is any indication. He fights up to his feet, and hits Nate with a few back elbows to try and break out of the situation. On the third back elbow, though, Nate ducks and grasps him for an attempt at the Exploder suplex.
FLAMBERGE hates that idea, too.
He hits Nate with several more elbows, driving the point down onto the back of his head. The third one breaks the hold, and lets FLAMBERGE get away for a moment. Then he comes back in to press the advantage, only to be met with a side headlock. A headlock takeover follows this up, and FLAMBERGE can only slap the mat in frustration. Just once, though. He’s not tapping out. That’s for cowards and Quebec, as far as he’s concerned.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is getting frustrated here. Nate Colton’s regained control, and grinding down FLAMBERGE.
Richard Parker: I don’t like this clean-cut country boy and I think the Eagles are a stupid band, so FLAMBERGE should hit him in the eye a few more times. Just to make sure.
Nick Stuart: Will you stop?
FLAMBERGE eventually grabs Nate by the waist and rolls him over into a pin. This gets two, before Nate shifts his weight and puts himself right back on top of FLAMBERGE. This happens again, and again, it only gets two before Nate rolls back on top.
FLAMBERGE waits, and then wraps his leg around Nate’s neck. Nate tries to block it using his arm, but that creates a gap in the side headlock that lets the Frenchman wiggle out of the hold. He tries to snatch a side headlock of his own, but Nate manages to slip out and go right back into the hammerlock. Once again, FLAMBERGE can only slap the mat in frustration.
But that’s all it is. Frustration.
Nick Stuart: Nate Colton still in control, grinding on that hammerlock.
Richard Parker: It’s not going to last. FLAMBERGE is too good to lose to a mere hammerlock. Viva la France!
Nick Stuart: …Did you seriously just say “Viva la France”?
Eventually, FLAMBERGE gets back up to his feet, and grabs Nate’s head. He kicks up his legs and goes into a snapmare. Only, Nate doesn’t let go of the hammerlock, so when Nate goes over, FLAMBERGE goes over with him. And boy, judging from the very colorful French escaping his lips, he isn’t very happy about it.
Richard Parker: So, Nick, I speak a little French. Just a little. Mostly the fun French.
Nick Stuart: Yeah?
Richard Parker: So trust me when I say that if I translated what FLAMBERGE just shouted about Nate Colton’s mom… well, I’d probably get fined faster than you can say “Rezin”.
FLAMBERGE gets to his feet, and fresh out of ways to get out of his predicament the normal way, he’s forced to make it to the ropes to get the referee to break Colton’s hold. The moment Colton releases the hold, FLAMBERGE takes an annoyed powder out to the floor.
That’s FLAMBERGE kicking the steel stairs in frustration.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is not happy right now, and he’s taking it out on those steel stairs.
Richard Parker: Yeah, well, they owed him money. He’s just scaring them to pay up.
Nick Stuart: What? Can we donate your brain to science so we can find out how it works?
Richard Parker: No.
A fully fuming FLAMBERGE, frustrated, frets furiously at his foe. He’s pissed, is what we’re trying to say.
He paces around outside, and fans should be glad that the guardrail is there for a reason. If any of them looked at him funny or laughed at him or was kinda just there where he could see them, he’s liable to give them some hands.
On the inside of the ring, Nate Colton’s feeling himself. No, not in that “show hog” kind of way. I mean that he’s smiling at FLAMBERGE’s frustration. He can’t help himself. He also can’t help himself but to invite FLAMBERGE in by wedging himself between the ropes, sitting on the middle rope with his shoulder pushing up the top rope. Inviting the Frenchman back into the ring.
FLAMBERGE, his hands on his hips, can only glare at him with unconcealed contempt. He immediately jumps up on the apron and aims a kick at Nate’s ribs. Nate sees it coming, so he dodges it and hits FLAMBERGE with an elbow, knocking him off the apron again.
Nate Colton pursues him out on the floor. The time for wrestling acumen seems to be over, and the first thing Nate does when reaching a recovering FLAMBERGE is grab him by the head and slam it onto the ring apron.
Richard Parker: Okay, so it’s not looking good for the French kid, I won’t lie.
FLAMBERGE stumbles away from Colton, who presses his advantage and stalks after him. Nate catches up to him, and goes to slam his head against the steel steps. This time, however, FLAMBERGE reaches up and thumbs him in the eye.
Nick Stuart: Another thumb in the eye from FLAMBERGE! Second time in the match!
Richard Parker: Aw, yeah, that’s the stuff, kid!
FLAMBERGE, as we all know, is dangereux. Especially if you take your eyes off of him. Especially if you take your eyes off of him in front of some steel stairs. He steps into Nate, and heaves him over his body with a judo-style hip toss.
And into the steps.
FLAMBERGE, being dangereux and merciless, is on Nate Colton like a Pirate King on meat. He gets on top of the scion of the Colton family and rains down fists on his head. He is, however, mindful of the referee’s ten count. So he pulls Nate to his feet and throws him back into the ring before the count reaches eight, and then rolls in after him at nine.
The moment he’s back in the ring, he casually stomps on Nate’s head. Several times. A lot of times. Enough that referee Turnbull had to administer a five count to get him to stop. FLAMBERGE stops and gives Turnbull a death glare.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE can’t risk getting disqualified here, but… Nate Colton’s in a lot of trouble right now.
Richard Parker: The most trouble. The trouble-est.
FLAMBERGE backs off, only to immediately come back in and pull Nate to his feet. The suplex he delivers to Nate feels like something he just makes up on the fly. Something half-Exploder, half-hammerlock. Nate hits the canvas on top of his own arm, and he comes up clutching his shoulder. FLAMBERGE pushes him back to the canvas and puts his knee on Nate’s chest with a contemptuous cover, his hands still on his hips.
It only gets two.
He actually looks up at Jimmy Turnbull with a nonplussed expression, as though he couldn’t believe that he’d dare to give him a two count with such a great cover.
Nick Stuart: Lackadaisical cover by FLAMBERGE, a better cover could’ve secured the win there.
Richard Parker: Yeah, but a cover like that would assert his dominance. Like if he T-posed.
FLAMBERGE places himself at Nate’s back, and starts dropping elbows onto the top of his head. From 12 o’clock high to 6 o’clock low. After three of these, FLAMBERGE stands and hits the ropes. When he comes back…
That, right there, is the sound of a kick straight to the back of a man’s spine. It’s unpleasant to hear. We’re going to guess that it’s equally as unpleasant to be on the wrong end of.
FLAMBERGE, dangereux but also cocky as all hell, raises his arms into the air for the crowd to see. They react as you might expect.
He sees Nate Colton trying to roll over to his feet, and that simply won’t do. He bounced himself off the ropes and hit Nate in the face with a running boot, spinning Nate from his hands and knees and onto his back. FLAMBERGE’s next cover is even more contemptuous than the last. He simply puts a boot on top of Nate’s face and demands that Turnbull pin him. He doesn’t even pose more than placing his hands on his hips when he does it.
This doesn’t even get a one-count. Nate shoves FLAMBERGE’s foot off of his face as equally as contemptuously as the cover itself.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is spending way too much time clowning around out there.
Richard Parker: It’s not clowning around. It’s all very tactical, and… yeah, okay, maybe I wouldn’t suggest covering a man like that.
FLAMBERGE responds to this by grazing Nate’s face with his bootlaces, then steps on his face and gives a little twist.
Nate’s still trying to get up, despite FLAMBERGE’s absurdly disrespectful offense. Or maybe because of it. Hard to say. FLAMBERGE recognizes this better than anyone, so he takes a step back, and…
…kicks him right in the chest. The blow staggers Nate, keeping him from getting all the way to his feet. He’s on his knees, now, and FLAMBERGE tees up again.
Second kick. A smile finds itself on FLAMBERGE’s face. Oh, yes. Prepare to die. He aims the next kick higher.
And Nate stands up at the last second, his hands catching the foot of the French phenom mid-swing. FLAMBERGE’s expression suddenly goes from cocksure to cockuncertain. His hands go up, not quite pleading, but rather because he’s trying to punch Nate before he can do something bad to his leg.
Not that it’d dissuade him.
Nick Stuart: Dragon screw by Colton! …Into the half-crab!
Indeed, Colton holds on to the leg after the dragon screw, and rolls right into the half crab. FLAMBERGE is suddenly in a lot of trouble, and he knows it. His arms flail in the hold, as he tries to find some sort of traction that would enable him to get out of the hold. Colton, for his part, is using a free hand to check his face to make sure that FLAMBERGE didn’t cut him open. A small mouse seems to have formed just next to his left eye.
Nick Stuart: Just like that, Nate Colton’s turned this thing around! He’s going full hog with this half crab!
Richard Parker: Oh no! I don’t need him to show full hog!
The problem is that Nate only has one arm locked into the half crab, and his stance isn’t what you’d call ideal for keeping it locked in. In particular, his back foot is perilously close to FLAMBERGE’s reach. And indeed, FLAMBERGE seizes upon it, pulling Nate’s foot back until he loses his balance and falls on his face. FLAMBERGE scrambles out from under Nate, and then roundhouse kicks him right in the back of the head the moment he’s back on his feet.
Nick Stuart: Good LORD, what a kick from FLAMBERGE!
Richard Parker: Contact Morty, we have need for a mortician!
Nate slumps over, and this time, FLAMBERGE covers him seriously.
FLAMBERGE’s eyes go wide as Nate shoulders up with authority. He stands up again, and starts stomping Nate while he’s still down. A lot of times. Many times. But every time he does it, it seems to be less effective. Nate rolls to his stomach enduring the stomps, and then gets to his knees. By now, FLAMBERGE’s kicks are less like strikes, and more like disrespect. Pushing him with the soles his boots rather than kicking him.
Then Nate stands.
The look in his eyes say everything that need to be said.
“Is that all you’ve got?”
FLAMBERGE backs into the ropes and comes back for an elbow. Nate doesn’t even let him get that far. He charges FLAMBERGE right as he hits the ropes, and smashes him with a forearm. This rocks the Frenchman, whose legs fly up on impact, and the only reason he’s not on the ground regretting his many recent life decisions is because the ropes keep him aloft.
Nate turns and runs into the ropes again. A second forearm puts FLAMBERGE through the ropes, landing on the apron and falling to the floor.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is out here in front of us!
Richard Parker: Oh no! That’s where I don’t want him to be!
Nate steps through the ropes, standing on the apron. He’s not known for high flying. He’s not someone who flies gracefully, as though carried by the wings of angels. But this is UltraViolence. You go big, or you go home. And as a man who still owes us a hog to be shown, Nate Colton knows only one mode.
He goes big.
He takes two steps, and then flies off of the apron.
Nick Stuart: NATE COLTON WITH A THESZ PRESS OFF THE APRON!
Richard Parker: That’s not a small man to be doing that!
Nate stays on top of FLAMBERGE and rains down right hands on the Frenchman. The fans go wild as Nate batters him, to the point that referee Turnbull actually gets out of the ring to try and get Nate off of his opponent. Eventually, he does. Nate pulls FLAMBERGE up, and hoists him up onto his shoulder. FLAMBERGE has the look of a man who does not want none of this, and he tries to line up more 12 o’clock elbows that work until 6 o’clock on Nate’s head. However, the attacks aren’t effective. He doesn’t have the right angle of attack.
And Nate Colton isn’t about to let him find one. He charges at the ring post, and drives FLAMBERGE’s spine right into it.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE into the ring post! He’s in trouble, Rich!
Richard Parker: Get out of there, kid! You know what they say about wild hogs!
FLAMBERGE is reduced to crawling on his hands and knees to the ring apron. Nate roughly helps him into the ring. And by that, I mean he slams his head into the ring apron before he rolls in after him. Helpful!
Back in the ring, Nate goes on the attack using his size advantage. He picks up FLAMBERGE by the waist, Karelin lift-style. FLAMBERGE immediately tries wriggling out, trying to reach out to grab something, anything, to get him out of the predicament. And then Nate suplexes him.
Uh, more than once.
After the gutwrench suplex, Nate presses his advantage and grabs FLAMBERGE in a front facelock. A snap vertical suplex follows, and Nate immediately floats over into the cover. A two count later, and Nate knows that he needs to hit harder.
Nate’s not done, and hoists FLAMBERGE up by the waist, looking for the German. FLAMBERGE, not wanting to be taken to the Greater Metropolitan Area of Suplex, wraps his leg around Colton’s to prevent him from being thrown. So instead, Nate grabs his arm, and transitions.
Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH!
Richard Parker: Oh no! Get out of there, FLAMBO!
There is panic. FLAMBERGE flails with his free arm, trying to find a way out of this situation. The leg, still wrapped around Nate’s own, prevents Nate from going into the Colton Clutch Suplex that’s sure to follow if it were freed. But the problem with the Colton Clutch in particular is… it’s still a submission. Even if Nate couldn’t get the suplex, he can still make FLAMBERGE pass out right here and now.
FLAMBERGE knows this. After all, he’s living that life right now, and he’s not a fan. But as is the case for twice in the match so far, FLAMBERGE goes back to his universal counter.
A thumb to the eyes.
Instantly, Nate releases the hold.
FLAMBERGE looks happy about what he’s done, and unhooks his leg from Nate to start his offense again. At least, right up until Nate surges back into the waistlock.
Nick Stuart: GERMAN! WITH A BRIDGE!
Both men are down after the German, but Nate’s back up at the referee’s count of five. Nate goes to pull FLAMBERGE back up to his feet, but FLAMBERGE grabs a handful of tights and yanks him forward into the turnbuckles. Nate rams his face into the middle turnbuckle as a result.
FLAMBERGE pulls back Nate into the center of the ring.
Nick Stuart: What’s FLAMBERGE doing… oh! Komi goshi… into the cross armbreaker!
Richard Parker: He’s doomed!
Nate Colton is not doomed, but he’s pretty close to it. The moment he hits the mat from the judo throw, he manages to reach up and grasp the arm that FLAMBERGE still has a hold on. The end result is that FLAMBERGE is unable to fully hyperextend Nate’s arm. Nate rolls over, trying to get a pin on FLAMBERGE, but after a one count, FLAMBERGE forcefully tries to use his leverage to put Nate back down and into the jujigatame.
It, uh… doesn’t work.
Nate remains standing, and uses his power advantage to bodily lift FLAMBERGE into the air with one arm. FLAMBERGE has a look of shock on his face, but it’s only momentary. He shifts his weight on Nate’s shoulder, and comes down behind him.
Nick Stuart: GERMAN SUPLEX!
It’s the release kind. Nate lands on his upper back, momentum causing him to roll over… and come up on his feet. When FLAMBERGE turns, he sees Nate charging in on him.
Nick Stuart: A KNEE FROM FLAMBERGE!
This jumping knee only staggers Nate Colton, so FLAMBERGE runs into the ropes behind him to follow up.
Nick Stuart: ANOTHER ONE! Nate Colton is in trouble here!
Nate is staggered, and FLAMBERGE – still dangereux, mind you – knows that the end is near. And if the end is near, then he has a go-to for that.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is measuring him here… looking for the axe kick!
It’s not the most beautiful axe kick he’s ever attempted. It’s rough and malcontent, something more purpose-driven than flashy. Maybe that’s why he loses his balance when Nate moves his head out of the way before FLAMBERGE can hit him with it. Colton shoves him into the ropes, and when FLAMBERGE comes back, he picks him up in a tilt-a-whirl before coming down with a shoulder breaker!
Nick Stuart: SHOULDERBREAKER!
Richard Parker: Oh no!
Nate can’t capitalize. His own arm has taken some damage in this match, and he’s still dizzy from the knee strikes. The cover he attempts is not something he’d do normally, he just lies on top of FLAMBERGE.
Nick Stuart: Another kickout! Who’s going to walk out of here with the win?
Richard Parker: Someone whose first language isn’t English, Nick!
Nate gets up first, and he pulls FLAMBERGE up. He hooks him in for an Exploder suplex again, but FLAMBERGE starts hitting him with elbows, using the arm that didn’t just take a shoulder breaker. The elbows are enough to make Nate back off, and then FLAMBERGE throws a wild kick at his chest.
You could’ve heard that thing from fucking space.
Nate Colton staggers back… and then responds with a closed right fist that rocks FLAMBERGE, staggering him back and dropping him to one knee. Nate, too, drops to one knee.
They glare at each other, heavily breathing. Nate ignores referee Turnbull’s admonishment about the closed fist, keeping those daggers for eyes squarely on FLAMBERGE’s own sharp stare. Obviously, FLAMBO’s stare is sharp. He is the only man on the roster whose very name announces his intent to stab you.
FLAMBERGE is the first to strike, landing another rough kick to Nate’s chest.
Nate throws a right hand, which staggers FLAMBERGE back.
FLAMBERGE uses the space to land another rough kick.
And Nate responds with another right hand, which rocks FLAMBERGE and staggers him back into the ropes.
Nate follows up, hitting him several more times in the ropes with more right hands. The crowd goes “YAY!” several more times, before Nate whips him into the ropes. FLAMBERGE, however, rebounds with a knee strike.
Nate staggers backwards into the ropes… and then rebounds back.
Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD! WHAT A LARIAT!
Said lariat hit so hard that FLAMBERGE almost lands on his head from the impact. However, Nate doesn’t recover right away from it, and both men are down once again as the crowd loudly cheers.
Richard Parker: How the hell is Nate Colton finding the energy to match blows with someone like FLAMBERGE!? It makes no sense!
Nate crawls over on top of FLAMBERGE, and puts an arm over the top of him.
At the last possible second, FLAMBERGE gets his shoulder up.
Both men take some time to recover, but Nate’s up first. He pulls FLAMBERGE up and pushes him into the corner. A right hand rocks FLAMBERGE, and only the corner keeps him standing. FLAMBERGE is hoisted up to a seated position on the turnbuckles, and Nate climbs up to join him.
Nick Stuart: Dangerous territory here. Nate Colton looking for a superplex, and FLAMBERGE… FLAMBERGE is fighting back!
FLAMBERGE hits Nate with several elbows to try and dissuade him from the superplex. Nate still persists, right up until FLAMBERGE hits him with a headbutt.
Nick Stuart: OH! A meeting of the minds! And Nate Colton…
FLAMBERGE gives Nate a big shove, and he flies off of the second ropes and to the canvas. FLAMBERGE sits on the top turnbuckle, just as dazed as Nate likely is, but as he sees Nate trying to get to his feet, he does the only thing he can do in his situation.
…Into the GUILLOTINE.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE HAS THE MARIE ANTOINETTE! THE HEAD IS HOOKED! BODY SCISSORS LOCKED IN!
Richard Parker: It’s over! IT’S OVER! IT’S GOT TO BE OVER!
But it isn’t.
FLAMBERGE wrenches on the hold desperately. It’s put down so many others in PRIME. Why isn’t it working on Nate Colton? He’s dangereux, after all!
The fans are yelling and cheering, and chanting.
PLEASE DON’T TAP!
PLEASE DON’T TAP!
PLEASE DON’T TAP!
And through it all, it isn’t over yet.
Because Nate’s still standing. Even if he can’t breathe. Even if he’s fading. Even if the world around him is fading fast. He still stands.
He grabs FLAMBERGE’s arm. And of all the things that have happened in this match, this is the thing that has FLAMBERGE wide-eyed the most. Because Nate Colton, through his brute strength, is physically breaking the hold. FLAMBERGE desperately tries to sink the hold back in, even as Nate’s broken the grip on his hands. He’s so focused on it that he doesn’t realize that he’s losing grip on the body scissors. It’s inexperience.
And it costs him dearly.
Nate grabs hold of FLAMBERGE’s leg. And with a heave, he throws the Frenchman over his shoulder.
Nick Stuart: EXPLODER! AN EXPLODER OUT OF THE MARIE ANTOINETTE!
Richard Parker: IMPOSSIBLE!
FLAMBERGE hits the canvas, rolling into a seated position in a daze. Nate recovers in time to grab him, sinking in the Colton Clutch again. He yanks him up to his feet, and then…
Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH SUPLEX! WITH A BRIDGE!
Richard Parker: NO!
DING DING DING
Nate Colton collapses onto his back exhausted. All FLAMBERGE can do is flop onto his stomach, defeated.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen! THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH… NAAAAAATE! COOOOOLTOOOOOON!
Richard Parker: I don’t believe it!
Nick Stuart: What tenacity by Nate Colton, to find a way to win in dire straits! You have to think that FLAMBERGE’s inexperience might have cost him there. If he hadn’t lost control of the Marie Antoinette, you have to believe he would’ve won this match.
Richard Parker: What a travesty! One that can only be fixed if you buy glue.
Nick Stuart: Please stop.
In the ring, Nate Colton gets his arm raised. Meanwhile, FLAMBERGE can only sit in the corner, staring in disgust at what just happened.