GLUECONOMICS 101
We cut backstage where Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips, both of whom look like they’ve seen better days for reasons that have to do with international flights and many many wrestling matches back-to-back-to-back-to-etc, are sitting around in front of the Glueminati locker room. Why are they there and not inside? Look, let’s not talk about who lost what bet, okay? The important thing is that they’re there, and they have their title belts with them. It should be noted that Joe’s belt looks much shinier than Sid’s because of a little thing called belt polish.
Also, he actually has two belts now.
Apart from his Bang! With Your Partner championship, he’s also carrying around another championship called the Bang! All Day championship. We will be taking no questions at this time about why the belts are named as they are.
Joe Fontaine: Man, I’m going to kill it at the belt polishing competition. Just kill it. Gonna get these babies into the sun and shoot death lasers, that’s how much I’m going to kill it.
Sid Phillips: We missed the competition, remember? Because we were in Japan. And since we lost the competition in absentia, we’re out here making sure the riffraff don’t get in.
Joe Fontaine: Thank you for the recap.
Sid Phillips: Whatever. Just keep an eye out for any goons, Gamble or otherwise.
Well, they’re gonna get “otherwise.”
Hayes Hanlon: They in there?
Marching down the hall in their direction, a very focused, very angry Hayes Hanlon.
Joe Fontaine: Who’s the “they” in this situation, my dude?
Hayes Hanlon: FLAM-douche and Farthing-fuck. You know who I’m looking for. Cut your bullshit for once, boys.
Joe Fontaine: Oh, Cecilworth’s not here at the moment. Pretty sure he’s off doing Lordly things. You know, as Lords do. Yeah, a lot of Lordly business. Lord, have mercy.
Hayes Hanlon: Your lord can kiss my ass. Get the hell out of my way…
The Event Horizon picks the “easier” target, pushing Joe out of the way with a strong arm. However, the rugged kid from Oregon has ignored the fact that a larger, very beautiful (but clearly with less impressive booty cheeks, duh) connoisseur of powerbombs is standing directly to his right.
The man of a thousand nicknames (most of which aren’t even nicknames) steps into Hayes’ path.
Sid Phillips: Easy, champ. FLAMBERGE is, uh… doing image training or whatever bullshit he thinks he’s doing. Probably just rolling around on the floor, actually. He’s weird. And French, but I don’t think that’s related.
Home Run Hayes replies with a stiff palm to Sid’s big-ass chest, a quick, sharp shove. For emphasis.
Hayes Hanlon: Fine, then tell that baguette-chewing lizard to get his ass out here!
Joe Fontaine: Wait, lizard? I thought he was a swordfish this whole time.
He’s probably lying about that. Nevertheless, after staring into Hayes’ face for a few long moments, Sid knocks on the door behind him without actually turning his back to Hayes.
Sid Phillips: FLAMBO! Got a visitor for you!
A pause. Hmm, maybe the Frenchman didn’t hear the knock or something. Sid knocks again, a little louder this time.
Sid Phillips: FLAMBO?
FLAMBERGE: …no.
Sid turns to Hanlon, arms crossed.
Sid Phillips: Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.
Hayes Hanlon: I can say a lot of things, you…
From behind the door we hear the faint sounds of an extended sigh, a few plodding steps, and finally the door cracks open just enough for the Neck Collector to poke his head (and neck) out. It’s bobbing rhythmically, as if another part of his body was…shaking, or something? Rubbing something? Our minds are left to various states of “the gutter” imagining the possibilities of whatever he’s doing from the neck down.
FLAMBERGE: I am obviously the extremely busy here.
Joe gives FLAMBERGE a ponderous look, followed by Sid. There’s a sound we can hear now that seems likely related to the light rhythmic bobbing of his head…and FLAMBERGE finally steps out. Intense Title in one hand, a polishing cloth in the other, as he continues to rub tiny circles into the silver plates of his shiny prize. Respectfully, there’s still a lot of work to be done before FLAMBO’s belt matches the sheen and shine of the Glue Man Group’s championships.
FLAMBERGE: Bon, Mustache, hello. What?
Taking the opportunity, Hayes replies by rushing forward, pushing FLAMBERGE back into the locker room.
Hayes Hanlon: Bon, buddy.
For the first time since his title defense against ReVival 31, we have visual confirmation that FLAMBERGE’s legs do in fact work. He steps back, grinning at the piss and vinegar he sees in Hanlon’s eyes. In the back corner there is a cardboard cut-out of Cecilworth Farthington with the word “No” written in a little speech bubble taped to his face.
Hayes Hanlon: You boys feeling clever? Proud of yourselves?
Joe Fontaine: Little bit, yeah.
Sid just shrugs.
Hayes Hanlon: I’m not talking to you morons! I’m talking to this French Fuck for that bullshit two weeks ago!
Hammerin’ Hayes steps closer to the Neck Collector, dark eyes glaring.
Hayes Hanlon: Was it fun for you? Watching Vickie smash me in the nuts? To watch me take a pin from JC fucking Hall?
No stranger to the ins and outs of backstage confrontation, FLAMBERGE sets the cloth and the Intense title down on a bench inside the locker room before standing squarely in the face of Hanlon.
FLAMBERGE: What you need to understand, Mustache, is that oui. We do enjoy these things. But not out of some grudge against-
FLAMBO eyes Hanlon up and down and motions broadly towards his truly magnificent glutes.
FLAMBERGE: -all of this, or some silly thing. It is more that – how can I say…there is something about “the process” that we appreciate. The process of witnessing the man come into the first stages of internal conflict between the giant baby they have become versus the threshing hoof-grinder they could be, if they only understood the glue economy.
Joe Fontaine: Glueconomy.
FLAMBERGE: Oui, Glueconomy.
Hayes Hanlon: Giant baby? This “giant baby” is gonna knock your teeth in you weird, lizard fu…
With a twitch of the ‘stache, the Event Horizon lunges forward with a cocked fist.
But let’s remember, this is three against one. Joe and Sid, to their credit, stop Hayes at the shoulders, leaving him nowhere to go. Hanlon glares at all three of the Glueminati youngsters, and wrenches his shoulders away from Joe and Sid’s hands.
Hayes Hanlon: Tell Farthington I hope he makes the trip to ReV 34 okay.
He turns, and thuds away into the hall.
Hayes Hanlon: Your “glueconomy” is on the verge of a recession.
FLAMBERGE takes a moment to eye the doorway as Hanlon makes his exit. When the coast is clear, he walks over to the cardboard cutout of Cecilworth Farthington and cups his hands towards his cardboardy ear.
FLAMBERGE: CECILWOOOOORTH! MUSTACHE SAYS, HE HOPES YOU MAKE IT TO REVIVAL 34 OKAYYYYYY, OKAYYYYY?
Joe watches FLAMBERGE do this, and then asks the important question.
Joe Fontaine: …Can I talk to him?
FLAMBERGE’s body stops working as he just stares at Joe, unmoving, unblinking. He physically cannot process the question and his system is apparently rebooting. After about ten seconds, he shakes the cobwebs out and Irish Goodbyes with the Intense title.
Joe watches him go, and then turns to Sid.
Joe Fontaine: I was just going to ask if I’d won the contest yet.
Sid shakes his head, perhaps regretting the choices he’s made in life as we cut elsewhere.