GO GET YOURS

Back from commercial.

With duffel bag still gripped in one hand, Hayes Hanlon squints his eyes at the scene in front of him with confusion.

The scene in front of him? It’s a one-man show.

Straight out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, Jared Sykes does his best to flatten himself against a wall, peering around the corner and into a conference room.

After a moment, he tip-toes his way across the room. You can pretty much hear the twinkly sounds from his feet.

Another beat, and he drops to his stomach, army crawling to an opposing doorway, peeking into the attached hall.

Hayes, not yet noticed, clears his throat.

Hayes Hanlon: *ahhhhrrrmmm*

The Dragonslayer does not notice, essentially snaking his way to his feet along the door frame.

Hayes Hanlon: *AHHHRMMMMM*

And is Sykes not pulling a periscope out of his pants? No, let’s stop.

Hayes Hanlon: JARED.

Caught in the act, Sykes whirls toward Home Run Hayes, looking left and right out of instinct, but with nowhere to go. Hayes lifts his shoulders and one palm, shaking his head slightly.

Hayes Hanlon: …what’re you doing, man?

It’s hard to look cool when you’ve spent your evening trying to blend in with a hallway, the floor, two potted plants, a vending machine, and at least one table in catering. Fortunately, looking cool has never been something Sykes needs to worry about.

Because he doesn’t, is the joke.

Jared Sykes: Oh, this? I caught word that Savannah Scandal somehow managed to get backstage tonight, like officially backstage, and figured it would be better to not talk to her. I went looking for a cardboard box so I could “Metal Gear Solid” this, but couldn’t find anything.

This is not true. What actually happened is that he found a box, one big enough that he could pull it over his body and crouch-walk around the corridors, but was immediately told by Justine Calvin that, “this is maybe the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, and I’ve seen you dress up as another guy’s dick twice.”

His suggestion to find a wheeled production crate to zoom around in was met with a similar reaction, and a lot more eye-rolling.

Jared Sykes: If nothing else, I figured maybe she’d see me and think I was having a seizure or whatever and leave me alone so that she could make up a bunch of shit about what caused it.

Hayes Hanlon: Does even make any se…actually, yeah. That kinda tracks.

Hayes digs into his pocket, retrieving his phone, thumbing through absently.

Hayes Hanlon: Well, good luck with that. Shoot me a text if she catches you.

Hammerin’ Hayes continues off down the hall. Jared, visibly shifting back from actual cartoon character to a boy, a real boy, turns up an eyebrow, and follows.

Jared Sykes: Hey, you good?

He takes a few steps to follow, both because of his genuine curiosity and because if he stands in one place too long he’s bound to be caught. Unbeknownst to Jared, Hayes rolls his eyes, but stops his stride.

Jared Sykes: Seemed a little off these last few weeks. I know this business can be a lot sometimes. Just wanted to make sure that everything is okay.

Hayes Hanlon: (pinching the bridge of his nose) Dude…I’m fine. 

Sykes, keenly aware that the young star is likely not fine, squints his eyes. Noticing this, Hayes takes some of the edge off his general demeanor.

Hayes Hanlon: There’s just…stuff. And I kinda just wanna focus on beating the breaks off of JC Hall. You should probably get focused up on Daniels before she punts you in the head repeatedly. Or disrupts the fabric of spacetime. Or sells more…t-shirts? I don’t know what her deal is. 

Jared Sykes: I’m actually trying to not think about it, at least not yet. Don’t know if you heard what she said last week, but she’s basically staked her future in the company on this match. Like if she loses then she doesn’t think she should be able to challenge for championships, and…

He sighs.

Jared Sykes: I would rather not be the reason that someone else’s career has to suffer. But yeah. I’m well aware of the head kicking. Am I ever.

Hayes Hanlon: …I dunno, man. That sounds like her problem.

Jared Sykes: Maybe. Still not sure how I feel about it though.

Hayes Hanlon: Dude, if she’s gonna let a loss sink her multiversal career or whatever, that’s not on you. Seriously, bro. Go get yours.

Jared Sykes: I mean, that is still the plan.

Home Run Hayes nods, then turns his head toward the hallway.

Hayes Hanlon: Anyway, I’m good. I got this one handled. Go handle yours.

Jared watches, and listens, to the footsteps of the Event Horizon as he heads off. But…are they his footsteps? Or are they a pair of heels? Because it’s not the sound of shoes on tile that draws Jared’s attention, but rather the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

“Jarry! There you are.”

Until tonight the list of people who use that name for the Dragonslayer has been limited to one Deb Warrenstein, but she’s not here. Jared glances back over his shoulder to see an eldritch abomination worthy of MESSIAH’s worship.

Savannah Scandal: I’ve been looking for you all over. I have so many questions, so let’s get right into it, shall we?

Jared Sykes: I, uhh… I have a match to get ready for.

He points without looking, not realizing that it’s not in the direction of his locker room. And even if it was, there’s no way he’s getting through that wall without some help.

Savannah Scandal: Just what I wanted to ask you about. So, my readers are dying to know… Did you ever pay for it? You know, to have Anna Daniels knock you around a little?

Jared Sykes: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Scandal draws closer. In a few moments she’ll be dangerously close to invading his personal space.

If there’s a defining trait that Jared Sykes exemplifies, it’s a stubborn refusal to walk away when the odds are stacked against you. He stood against the Love Convoy and the horror of molten chocolate and rusted nails. He went toe-to-toe with Paxton Ray in a match with no rules, knowing full well the consequences of what might happen. He provoked Ivan Stanislav and was thrown through a ceiling as a result. This is just a small sample, collected over the last year and a half, but there’s an entire back catalog of risk.

But when confronted by Savannah Scandal, a long-dormant part of his brain roars itself awake and he does the smart thing, the thing he should have done countless times over the course of his career.

He runs.

And we run to another backstage area.