GIMME A HECKIN’ MIC
As ReVival returns from commercial, the camera is zoomed in tight on a face that only a mother could love, if that mother had not been murdered by the mafia. LARGE DADDY SCOTT stands in front of the camera, his hair freshly cut and bleached, wearing a pair of white rimmed sunglasses and sporting a goatee that appears to have grown at near superhuman speed. GREAT BEAR appears to be absent tonight, likely in GREAT SCOTT’s locker room because of SECRET EVENTS later in the show, so it’s all SCOTTZILLA tonight.
Still attired in his usual singlet, despite not even being booked to wrestle tonight, GREAT SCOTT rubs his hands together as the camera slowly zooms out, showing him in the backstage interview area.
GREAT SCOTT: GIMME A HECKIN’ MIC.
No one gives him a heckin’ mic, because he is standing directly in front of the camera and doesn’t need one. Nevertheless, he goes on.
GREAT SCOTT: MY NAME IS LARGE DADDY SCOTT AKA GREAT SCOTT AKA THE LARGE MISBEHAVING FATHER OF BUTTS. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL WONDERING WHY I BECAME A BAD GUY AND DID HEADPHONE MURDER TO PASTOR RAY AT REVIVAL 13 AND YOU ARE WANTING TO KNOW WHEN MY EXCLUSIVE PAY PER VIEW INTERVIEW WILL COME OUT EXPLAINING MY ACTIONS. WELL THAT INTERVIEW IS COMING SOON MAYBE AS SOON AS MELVIN OR HIS SECRETARY LINDSAY PUT ME IN ANOTHER MATCH BUT RIGHT NOW PRIMETIME WRESTLING IS SCARED OF GREAT SCOTT BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE MURDERED WITH PRODUCT PLACEMENT. I AM NOT HERE TONIGHT TO GIVE AWAY FREE SECRETS YOU MARKS I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT GOATS AND HOT VEE.
He flexes his arms, which are the largest in the world or at least in this room. Muscles upon muscles blast into televisions across the country, making it uncomfortable for women to continue wearing panties, especially in this humidity.
GREAT SCOTT: LAST WEEK REZIN TRIED TO BRIBE ME TO GO AWAY BY GIVING ME HONEY. REZIN WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? DO I LOOK LIKE WINNIE THE POOH TO YOU? DO I WALK AROUND WEARING NO PANTS AND SAYING OH BOTHER? DO I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A PIG WITH ANXIETY OR A FRIEND NAMED CHRISTOPHER ROBIN WHO WEARS SHORTS THAT ARE TOO SHORT? WAS I CREATED BY A. A. MILNE AS A CHARACTER MEANT TO DELIGHT CHILDREN? DO I LIVE IN THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD? AM I OWNED BY THE DISNEY CORPORATION AND DO I HAVE ATTRACTIONS AT BOTH DISNEYLAND IN CALIFORNIA AND DISNEYWORLD IN ORLANDO FLORIDA? REZIN DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A HECK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT MY BEAR AND MY GLARE? BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU THE ONLY THINGS I CARE ABOUT ARE MY BEAR AND MY GLARE.
He glares at the camera.
GREAT SCOTT: AND ALSO CHAMPIONSHIPS SO THAT IS THREE THINGS BUT THEY ARE ALL VERY IMPORTANT. REZIN WE ARE GOING TO GO TO WAR AT ULTRONVIOLENCE AND I HOPE THAT YOU ARE READY CAUSE GUESS WHAT BITCH I WILL NOT JUST BE NORMAL GREAT SCOTT I WILL BE LARGE DADDY SCOTT THE PWA MEGASTAR AND THE CHAMPION OF HOT VEE.
He flexes again, to break up the dialogue. It’s a lot of glaring and flexing.
GREAT SCOTT: THAT’S RIGHT MARKS TOMORROW NIGHT GOD’S PLAN FOR ME BECOMES FRUIT WHEN I FIGHT COWBOB CLAYPANTS FOR THE HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP IN OCTANE WRESTLING AND IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT. WELL GREAT FOR ME NOT GREAT FOR THE CERAMIC BIRD COWBOY BECAUSE I AM GOING TO TAKE HIS TITLE AND THEN I MIGHT TAKE HIS GIRLFRIEND TOO BECAUSE BITCHES LOVE MY BEAR AND MY GLARE AND THERE IS NOTHING AS HOT AS LARGE DADDY SCOTT.
He kisses his own bicep, a natural extension of the flexing and glaring.
GREAT SCOTT: REZIN AT ULTRONVIOLENCE YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME THE ULTIMATE PWA MEGASTAR BECAUSE I WILL HAVE AN ASS NETWORK BELT AND A HOT VEE BELT AT THE SAME TIME AND I WILL HAVE ASS AND VEE AND YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING BECAUSE YOU ARE A RUDE GOAT WHO EATS BLACK LICORICE BEFORE YOU SPIT ON PEOPLE. NORMALLY IF YOU GO ONE ON ONE WITH A WRESTLER YOU HAVE A FIFTY FIFTY CHANCE OF WINNING BUT I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM NOT NORMAL, SO YOU GOT A TWENTY FIVE PERCENT CHANCE AT BEST AT BEATING ME. AND THEN YOU ADD GREAT BEAR TO THE MIX AND YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING DRASTIC GO DOWN. AND GREAT BEAR WILL NEVER BETRAY ME REZIN I BET IF YOU WENT INTO HIS LOCKER ROOM TONIGHT WITH HONEY HE WOULD BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH HIS PAWS. BECAUSE HE IS A BEAR.
This time, he glares and THEN flexes. And then glares again.
GREAT SCOTT: ANYWAY THAT IS ALL I HAD TO SAY HAVE A GREAT DAY MARKS JUST KIDDING GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
He flexes one more time, glaring at the camera as we cut elsewhere in the show. It takes a couple of extra seconds though, so he just stands there. Glaring and flexing. Flexing and glaring. Until ReVival goes on.