HAYES HANLON vs. CANCER JILES
Nick Stuart: Well, up next in our main event is the former Five Star Champion, Hayes Hanlon, taking on–
The lights dim.
A breeze moves through the air.
Then, surprisingly, no guitar riff, and no Screamin’ Jay.
De homine equis
Et tu nome padre
Spiritus de sante
Nick Stuart: Don’t tell me.
Richard Parker: Is that incense?
To no one’s surprise, Jiles Cancory, in full gown and facial prosthesis steps out from behind the curtain. He stops at the top of the ramp and holds his hands up as if he were receiving a snake to charm.
Richard Parker: Do you think this idiot even knows he’s wrestling Hayes Hanlon tonight?
Nick Stuart: Sadly, I think this is all part of his game plan.
The leader of the mESSIAH Bandits walks down the aisle, all sorts of debris flying through the air at him. Once he gets to the ring he takes the steps up and enters between the ropes.
Of course, this occurs after a vicious berating of Timo Bolomba.
Nick Stuart: I don’t know how Timo hasn’t snapped on him yet. This type of behavior is happening before every match it seems.
Richard Parker: Timo is a pro’s pro. Jiles doesn’t even register.
Nick Stuart: I dunno Richard, we’ll just have to wait and see how much longer that lasts.
The Curator of Crapathia does a quick shimmy, sending the ceremonial gown flying off of him. The facial prosthetics and piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe disintegrate into the Doozer realm.
Richard Parker: There he is. Cancer fucking Jiles. Such a murderous asshole of life. Just look at him. Those stupid shades. Stupid slicked hair. He’ll never be a UNIVERSAL Champion. Never.
Nick Stuart: Those tights though.
The Maestro of COOL hits a pose, causing a huge ring pyro to light up the MGM Grand. Then, the well known guitar riff followed by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins drowns out the boo’s.
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
I am the cool
Richard Parker: Of course this misfit still gets his song and a pyro, as if he hasn’t wasted enough time already.
Nick Stuart: It’s always a mind game with Jiles. He claims, and like it or not there is some validity to this claim, but he claims to be the MAIN EVENT. All else are visitors. As such, and to maybe prove that he is what he says he is, of course he gets two entrances.
Richard Parker: He’s not that smart. I won’t believe it. I can’t. I won’t. And I can’t.
We Came as Romans.
Let ’em know, Vegas.
Emerging from the wall of white light, Hayes takes some extra time on top of the ramp. He paces back and forth, eyes trained on the COOLympian in the ring.
Nick Stuart: And here comes the Event Horizon!
“I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE IN MY HEAD!”
Nick Stuart: Great American Nightmare did not go as planned for the rookie, losing his title to The Goat Bastard, Rezin. That said, he has a huge opportunity tonight to leave that story behind him, and carve a new one in PRIME’s main event scene.
Richard Parker: He got cocky, Nick. And when young men get cocky they make mistakes. Rezin taught him a lesson at Great American Nightmare, and Hanlon better be smart enough to learn from it.
He walks back to center and pauses, lingering a little longer on Jiles. He then lifts one finger to say “hold, please,” then reaches to the back of his tights, retrieving his gold-lensed aviators, sliding them on with both hands, following through his hair.
Jiles is, decidedly, unamused.
Richard Parker: And clearly, he has not.
Hayes caps it off with a sweep of his ‘stache, and after reaching his hands back to the ceiling, embarks on his march to the ring.
Climbing the steps and through the ropes, The Event Horizon strolls across the mat. Climbing up to the bottom rope, spinning 180 to face Cancer once more. Hanlon tilts his shades down his nose, offering one more glance to the COOL, then leans back over the post, arms out and chest to the sky.
“I’M FIGHTING THE GRAAVITY, IT’S PULLING THE WORST PART OUT OF ME!
He hops down, the lights and music fading out. Hayes plucks his aviators from his head and tosses them nonchalantly to a stagehand at ringside, leaning into his corner and waiting for the show to begin.
Nick Stuart: This will be a very telling match for both competitors, partner. A lot to lose, and a lot to gain.
Richard Parker: It’s showtime!
Timo finishes checking both competitors and calls for the bell.
Nick Stuart: Here we go!
Richard Parker: Don’t do the doobie thing again Hayes! I need you to kill Jiles!
The two approach the center of the ring, eyeing each other up. Hayes circles to Jiles’ right, but Jiles calmly, almost COOLy walks away as Hanlon follows. Hanlon marches to the center of the ring and tries to rush Jiles. Cancer calmly sticks himself between the ropes as Timo Bolamba has to beckon Hayes Hanlon to back off. The young challenger gives a big sigh, as Jiles yells at Timo to make sure Hanlon is backed away.
Nick Stuart: Smart work by Jiles in the early going.
Richard Parker: Smart? This man wants to kill PRIME wrestling, he wants to be the wolf that tap dances on our corpse, howling at some red moon like a crazy man.
Nick Stuart: You can hate Cancer Jiles for his views, you can hate him for the way he goes about business, but you can’t hate him for the electricity he brings to an arena.
Richard Parker: The only electricity Jiles should be bringing to an arena should be from whatever the hell they call the electric company in Las Vegas.
Jiles enters the ring, still yelling at Timo to keep Hanlon away. Hayes comes barreling in and catches Jiles off guard, he tries to take Jiles down, but Jiles manages to scamper himself back to the corner. Timo slowly, very slowly at least in Jiles’ eyes, almost saunters over to the ropes to start counting Hanlon.
Hanlon slams his shoulder into Jiles’ stomach, the ascendant of COOLympus grimaces. Realizing that help isn’t coming from the referee, he digs his well manicured nails in and rakes them up Hanlon’s back. Hanlon shoots up like he was hit by a bolt of electricity and grabs at the red marks on his back, as Timo comes over to scold Jiles. Jiles brushes Timo off and marches after Hanlon, he digs the nails in again and rakes down Hanlon’s back this time.
Nick Stuart: Vicious attack from Jiles here, but it got Hanlon away and Jiles seems to be on the offensive.
Richard Parker: God I hate him, I hate him so much.
Nick Stuart: You’re just mad he’s better at cheating than everyone else.
Hanlon turns around swinging, looking for a big overhand right. Jiles ducks under the blow and drives a knee into Hanlon’s midsection. Hanlon doubles over, and Jiles hits the ropes, he slides under the doubled over Hanlon and smashes Hayes in the face with a thumb to the eye.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles is a disgusting human, you’re not wrong Richard.
Richard Parker: I know! Did you see how he straightened his thumb out? He delivered a perfect eye jab there, and that’s just wrong.
Hayes is in his own personal hell as Jiles jumps to his feet, the much larger Hanlon is holding his eye leaning in the corner. Jiles strikes, diving at Hanlon’s knee with a vicious chop block. Hanlon drops to one knee, still holding onto the top rope. Jiles kips up like he’s some type of super hero, and kicks Hanlon’s good foot out from under him.
Nick Stuart: Hanlon is in trouble here, we all knew he was taking a step up in competition.
Richard Parker: HE WAS A CHAMPION! HE SHOULDN’T BE GETTING KILLED OUT HERE! COME ON HAYES!
Jiles grabs Hanlon by the back of the head and drives it into the middle turnbuckle, one, two, three, four, five, six…
Nick Stuart: I think he’s going all the way with this.
Seven, eight, Timo is screaming at Jiles as number nine happens. Jiles looks him in the eyes smirking and slams Hanlon’s face into the middle turnbuckle for the tenth time as Bolamba finally separates the two.
Richard Parker: Disqualify him! The one time I want you to follow the damn rules Timo!
Timo backs Jiles off, but Jiles ducks under Timo and is right back on Hanlon. He rips him out of the corner to the center of the ring. He pulls Hanlon up, and hits him with a perfectly executed snap suplex. Jiles covers Hanlon, with both hands pressing into the middle of Hanlon’s chest.
TW – KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: You’re not going to get a win over Hayes Hanlon that easy.
Richard Parker: It was about showing Hanlon that he’s getting dominated, Nick. This guy’s mind games’ play mind games.
A small cheer goes up as Jiles is thrown backwards. Hanlon starts to get himself to his feet, but Jiles is right back over in the young man’s face. Hayes fires off a right hand to Jiles’ midsection, and then pulls back and hits him again, backing Jiles away. Cancer stumbles back in as Hanlon pulls back his arm for another shot, he grabs Hanlon’s right arm and delivers a knee strike to Hanlon’s shoulder.
Richard Parker: God dammit…
Hanlon roars in pain, as Jiles pulls back again and knees Hanlon right across the mouth. Hayes sprawls out across the canvas and Cancer Jiles continues his grim work. He leans down, pressing an arm on Hanlon’s shoulder to hold it in place, then stomps on Hanlon’s right hand repeatedly.
Richard Parker: Finger stuff? WHO DOES FINGER STUFF? WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM!?
Nick Stuart: I mean Hayes showed him how strong that right hand is, and now Jiles is taking it away.
Jiles, finally satisfied stands up and delivers one last stomp on Hanlon’s hand. He doesn’t lift his leg up, and instead stands on Hanlon’s hand. Hanlon finally is able to rip his arm out from under Jiles and starts crawling to the ropes.
Nick Stuart: He just stood there on his hand, for like three entire seconds.
Richard Parker: Great, now Hayes is the one armed man.
Hayes rolls to the ropes and starts to pull himself up using his left arm. Jiles once again is being lectured by Timo Bolamba, but brushes him off to deliver a chop block again to Hanlon’s plant foot.
Richard Parker: He’s going to turn the kid into a paraplegic.
Nick Stuart: Jiles said he was out to hurt Youngblood’s protégé.
Richard Parker: He didn’t say cripple him!
Hanlon grabs his knee and rolls to the outside. Timo tries to push Jiles away from the ropes, but Jiles just walks towards the ropes to his right, drops to the mat and rolls out, not listening to a thing Timo just said. Jiles rounds the corner and gets leveled by a Hayes Hanlon left hand. Jiles fires back with a knife edge chop.
Hanlon fires off another left that staggers Jiles.
Jiles spins around towards the crowd, but Hanlon is back on him and slams his head into the barrier. Then lifts Jiles in the air…
…And drops him across the neck onto the barrier.
Richard Parker: YES! There we go kid, now don’t do anything stupid!
Hanlon takes a few steps back, and reaches into his tights pulling out a pair of Terminator Shades, placing them on his face.
Richard Parker: Oh God, he’s doing something stupid…
Hanlon runs in with a head full of steam and tries to spear Jiles, but Jiles moves out of the way as Hanlon crashes into the barrier.
Nick Stuart: That spear would have incapacitated Jiles for sure!
Richard Parker: I don’t know what universe Hayes thought that was a good idea, you never taunt a guy who normally does the taunting. They know all the tricks!
Hanlon is motionless on the floor, and Jiles grabs him by the cheeks and slaps the terminator shades clean off of him.
Jiles walks away, managing to step on the knock off shades on the way by. He smirks and rolls back into the ring.
Richard Parker: GET UP HAYES!
The crowd starts to clap, trying to will Hanlon to his feet.
Hayes gets his left arm on the barrier and starts to pull himself up.
Nick Stuart: Not looking good for Hayes Hanlon.
Richard Parker: GET UP YOU DOPE SMOKING IDIOT! GET UP!
Hayes finally gets to his feet and dives under the bottom rope just as Timo was about to finish the count out.
Richard Parker: Oh shit.
Jiles takes the opportunity to once again absolutely flatten, he pulls back and kicks Hanlon soccer style right in the face. He starts stomping on Hanlon’s face and right shoulder, alternating where the boots are headed. Timo goes to get in between them, but Jiles stands on Hanlon’s back and grabs both of Hanlon’s arms, yanking them backwards.
Richard Parker: Shit. Shit. Shit.
Nick Stuart: Hayes’ foot is under the bottom rope!
Hanlon gets his foot on the ropes and Timo rushes in to count Jiles. Cancer just continues to smirk, looking Timo right in the eyes as he gets to the four count before letting go, letting Hanlon’s face smack off the ring mat. Jiles turns on his heel, driving it into the young man’s back with all of his weight for good measure. Jiles rolls Hanlon over and covers him, once again pressing on Hanlon’s chest with all of his weight.
Richard Parker: YES!
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but the kids got a ton of heart!
The arena comes back to life and starts clapping and stomping their feet in rhythm. Cancer Jiles puts a stop to it, by clapping and stomping along with them while standing crouched waiting for Hanlon to get up.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL — NO! JILES MISSED!
Richard Parker: Thank God. That might have killed the kid.
Hanlon ducks under the attempted superkick, and rolls up Cancer Jiles. (Yes we just used Randall Schwartz finisher in a main event. Suck it.)
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon trying to steal victory from the jaws of defeat!
Richard Parker: YES! STEAL IT!
Richard Parker: NO!
Jiles is once again, absolutely irate while Hanlon takes a moment to breathe. Jiles is yelling at Timo again as Hayes takes the time to gingerly get to his feet.
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon has taken an incredible amount of punishment from Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: I’m pretty sure his right hand is broken.
Hayes spins Jiles around and smashes him with a left hand, then another left hand, and tries to finish his striking combo with his off hand but Jiles kicks him right in the stomach. Hanlon doubles over, and Jiles kicks him in the face to bring the large man back to a standing position. He grabs Hanlon again, looking for a snap suplex but Hanlon doesn’t budge. Jiles rears back again for the snap suplex, but once again Hanlon doesn’t move. Jiles tries to get away, but Hanlon hits him with a snap suplex of his own.
Richard Parker: Big men don’t flip over smaller men easy!
Nick Stuart: Big reversal of momentum for Hanlon.
Hayes takes a moment to catch his breath, and gets to his feet gingerly caring for his right arm. Jiles also makes it to his feet. Hanlon throws a left hand that once again staggers Jiles and this time whips Jiles into the ropes. Jiles comes running back and Hanlon picks him up one armed and delivers a thunderous spine buster.
Richard Parker: YES! KILL HIM LIKE YOUNGBLOOD DID! SMASH HIM!
Nick Stuart: What a spine buster from Hanlon, and it looks like the man going to the main event of Ultraviolence is down!
Hanlon pulls Jiles up to his feet, and gingerly places him on his right shoulder. Hanlon grimaces as he runs, but crushes Jiles to the mat with a powerslam. Hanlon jumps to his feet and immediately poses only using his left arm, signaling for The Epoch.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles is in big trouble here, Hayes Hanlon is rolling.
Richard Parker: And when a big man is rolling he’s hard to stop!
Hanlon pulls Jiles to his feet, and whips him into the ropes, Jiles comes back…
Richard Parker: HERE WE GO!
Flashbulbs explode around the MGM Grand as Hanlon grips Jiles around the throat with both hands, turns, and plants him to the canvas with both hands, while sitting out. Hanlon reaches across his body trying to support his other shoulder as Timo Bolamba slides in for the count.
Richard Parker: No fucking way.
Nick Stuart: CANCER JILES SURVIVES HE SURVIVES THE EPOCH!
Timo confirms what everyone just saw by holding two fingers up.
Richard Parker: THAT WAS THREE TIMO! ONE TWO THREE! THAT WAS THREE!
Nick Stuart: What’s Hanlon going to do next?
Hayes knows exactly what he’s going to do next, he gets to his feet carefully, and drags Jiles to his feet by his incredibly well manicured hair. Jiles is out, absolutely limp as Hanlon hoists the man onto his shoulders and marches to the turnbuckles.
Nick Stuart: This is how Hayes Hanlon won the Five Star Championship.
Richard Parker: No way this cockroach is kicking out of The Super Massive.
Hayes places Jiles backwards sitting on the top rope, he climbs up to the middle rope and tries to put Jiles back on his shoulder for the burning hammer portion of the maneuver. Hanlon grimaces again as he gets Jiles up onto his shoulders.
Richard Parker: NO!!!
Jiles manages to flip all the way over landing on his feet. He slams Hanlon with a thumb to the eye, and follows it up with two quick right hands, sending a shocked Hayes to sitting on the top rope. Jiles climbs up to the middle rope, and hooks Hanlon in a front face lock. Hanon tries to fight back, but Jiles bites Hanlon’s shoulder so he stops throwing punches.
Richard Parker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Nick Stuart: Superplex from the top rope by Cancer Jiles! Hayes Hanlon is down in the center of the ring.
Jiles takes a moment to catch his breath before crawling over and draping his arm across Hanlon.
Timo leaps to his feet again showing two.
Richard Parker: Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.
Nick Stuart: HAYES HANLON JUST KICKED OUT OF A GIANT SUPERPLEX!
Jiles is irate, he gets to his feet screaming at Bolamba, doing Richard Parker’s job and clapping his hand together three times. Bolamba shows him the two fingers and Jiles brushes him off. He starts beckoning for Hayes to get to his feet.
Richard Parker: DON’T GET UP! STOP BEING STUPID! JUST STAY DOWN! HE CAN’T HURT YOU IF YOU STAY DOWN!
Nick Stuart: You’re not wrong Richard! But that’s not what Hayes Hanlon is made of.
Richard Parker: He’s made of a copious amount of drugs and muscles. I get it, but NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cancer Jiles comes across the ring again, going for Terminal Cancer. Hanlon ducks under the outstretched leg of Jiles and grabs him by the neck and smashes Jiles to the ground with his jumping shoulder sit out jawbreaker.
Nick Stuart: FLASH POINT! HE GOT ALL OF IT!
Richard Parker: YES!
Hayes jumps to his feet, and doesn’t waste time with the pose, pulling Jiles up as well. He whips him into the ropes, grabs Jiles around the neck and slams him to the canvas.
Nick Stuart: THE EPOCH! ANOTHER EPOCH!
Richard Parker: YES! YES! YES! I’M GOING TO DANCE TONIGHT! YES!
Timo slides over for the cover.
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: YES! HAYES HANLON HAS DONE IT!
Nick Stuart: HAYES HANLON JUST DEFEATED CANCER JILES!
Hanlon falls to the mat his chest heaving, he grabs his right shoulder and gingerly takes care of his arm as Timo rushes over to check on him.
Nick Stuart: WHAT A NIGHT REVIVAL 11 IS! THAT’S ALL! For the ACE Network tonight and PRIME I’m Nick Stuart, here with Richard Parker. Have a great night folks.
Richard Parker: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!