Hayes Hanlon vs. Dusk vs. Garbage Bag Johnny vs. Nicholas Pfefferman
For the first time tonight, we get a look at the packed house that is the MGM Grand Garden Arena, the crane camera panning around to the PRIMEates. Now, a selection of the wittier phrases Sharpied to bristol board:
CONGRATS ON 100 YEARS IN THE BIZ, DUSK
MURIEL I WANT MY MONEY BACK…OR A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR
JILES’ MOM <3 TEDDY
I’M NOT A CRUMB, I’M THE WHOLE COOKIE
JE SUIS VENU POUR FLAMBERGE
EAT MY BUNDT CAKE BOBBY
TEDDY PALMER DIGS GOTH CHICKS
TEDDY PALMER RUXPIN IS MY FRIEND
VICKIE HALL IS A VIRGIN
+3-18-22+ I WAS HERE!
3-18-22 = -37
I GOT JUST TWO WORDS FOR YA: I SUCK AT MATH
I NEED A MATH TUTOR, MR. PFEFFERMAN
YOUNGBLOOD, SAY YOU WANT ME BACK IN YOUR LIFE, SO I’M JUST A DEAD MAN CRAWLING TONIGHT
IMPULSE & CALLY > JC & VICKIE
Nick Stuart: Welcome to ReVival! And on our 5th episode back, somewhat fittingly, we kick off the night with a Five Star Scramble!
Richard Parker: Seven more men trying to punch their tickets to Culture Shock and right into a glorious opportunity for the Five Star title. But speaking of opportunities, and titles Nick…
Nick Stuart: We cannot forget what tonight has all been building to: Teddy Palmer vs. Cancer Jiles. Brandon Youngblood vs. Impulse. By the end of the night, Richard, we’re going to know who we’ll have headlining Culture Shock going one-on-one for the richest prize: The Universal Championship. Seymour Almasy Memorial Quarter Finals on our hands tonight!
As we get a glimpse of the ‘tale of the tape’ hinting to what’s still to come, the general anxious energy of the crowd turns to a chorus of boos at the opening beats of “Reaper” from Frankie and the Witch FIngers means the Professor is first through the curtains. Looking the picture of calm and class, if slightly smug, the PRIMEates let Mr. Pfefferman know just how they felt.
Nick Stuart: Seems Pfefferman has made quite the impression in short order.
Richard Parker: Picture perfect pompadour and an IQ that only a few games in the Madness are reaching as point totals. No, no idea why these people can’t identify.
With the calloused patience of a saint, or hack comic, Mr. Pfefferman just lets his head bob side to side at some joke our cameras aren’t near enough to pick up, making his way down the aisle.
Vince Howard: From Colorado Springs, Colorado! Nicholas Pfefferman!
Unzipping the ring jacket with each of the steps up, the smug turns sour as Frankie and his Witch Fingers quickly get cut for We Came as Romans’ “Black Hole.”
Nick Stuart: And listen to the people welcoming in this fast rising rookie.
Richard Parker: Kid needs to learn a little about respect. Mr. Pfefferman staring a hole into the upstart might just be the guy to smarten him up.
Accompanied with the vast and epic cosmos playing above on the PRIMEview, Hayes Hanlon sways to the top of ramp, conducting the lights to time with the music, things get quiet, but the crowd, and music, pick back up hitting the chorus. Confident grin at the ready, “The Event Horizon” slaps outstretched hands on his way to the squared circle.
Vince Howard: From West Linn, Oregon, he is the EVENT HORIZON! HAYYYESS! HANNNLONN!
Marching with purpose, Hanlon slides underneath the ropes and right into Pfefferman’s face. Pfefferman lets the official for this one, the much smaller Ashley Barlow, hold him back before showing serious contempt. Brushing it off, Hanlon turns back to the center of the ring, arms outstretched and posing.
‘Stronger’ by Kanye West rips through the MGM Grand Arena as the fans immediately start to chant.
DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK!
From the backstage area emerges the man himself, Dusk. He stands at the top of the ramp as the fans cheer him on and chant his name. He has on a pair of white pants with black stripes on them with Dusk running down the outside of both legs. He wears a long black trench coat as well. He methodically makes his way down the ramp, slapping the hands of fans on his way to the ring, before he slides in under the bottom rope.
Vince Howard: From Los Angeles, California, DUSSSK!
The elder statesman of PRIME makes his way over to an unoccupied corner, makes his way up to the middle turnbuckle, and holds his arms out as the fans continue to chant his name
DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK!
He hops off the middle turnbuckle and removes his trenchcoat before handing it over the top rope to a ringside attendant before slamming his forearms into his chest and making his way to his corner of the ring.
Nick Stuart: Just one more.
“Johnny Will Win Zero 2 Hero” picks up on the PA, and the bearded and bathrobed Dirtiest Dude in PRIME staggers to the stage.
Richard Parker: The real wildcard in this one. I don’t know how these people are cheering the idiot, though. I’d hope they’d all be tossing bars of soap at him.
Vince Howard: And their opponent, hailing from Chicago, Illinois!
Nick Stuart: Hey! Pfefferman jumping Dusk from behind before this one was even underway.
Richard Parker: I couldn’t sit through another full entrance, so how about we thank Mr. Pfefferman? Really laying in those ax handles!
The music cuts, and Vince Howard scrambles back to the relative safety of the timekeeper’s area, but Johnny continues his slow two-step toward the ring.Hanlon and Barlow stock over to break the assault, but Dusk is back to a knee and returning rights to the breadbasket. The ref needs to dance out of the way, and Hanlon to avoid her. As Pfefferman pulls Dusk into the headlock, the zebra motions for the bell.
Nick Stuart: Officially underway. Dusk squeezing his head loose, shoving Pfefferman to the ropes.
On the return, Dusk drops and the Professor of PRIME continues to the ropes opposite. Leaping up, but not over on the second pass, Pfefferman slams the breaks in time to catch Dusk and plant him with a power slam.
Richard Parker: Quick thinking on display!
First to tell you himself, Pfefferman taps the pointer to his nogging. Turning around, he quickly remembers that this was a fatal fourway, Hanlon and Johnny standing ready.
Nick Stuart: Funny how quickly your pride can make you a target.
Hayes turns Pfefferman around into a sharp and reverbating chop. Turned in a grimace, he covers high when Johnny fakes a jab, but hops when he gets his toes stomped upon instead.
Nick Stuart: Mr. Pfefferman down, slick sling blade from Hayes. Up again, and that’s not how you want to land. Manhattan drop from Garbage Bag Johnny! Pfefferman trying to beg away from this.
Richard Parker: Can you blame him? This is supposed to be a fatal four way, not a handicap match!
But Nicholas can’t find solace backing up, right into Dusk, and a stiff uppercut of the European variety. The unfortunate volleyball, Pfefferman gets tagged with a right from Hayes, a forearm from GBJ. Dusk wracks his jaw with another uppercut. Hayes lights up Pfefferman’s chest again.
Nick Stuart: Headbutt from Johnny drops Pfefferman.
Not done with the fun, Dusk picks at Pfefferman’s waistband and pulls him vertical.
Nick Stuart: Superkick from Hanlon!
Hayes flashes a thumbs up that Dusk is happy to return.
Richard Parker: And a superkick from Dusk! I knew this whole good guy act couldn’t keep up.
Indeed, not to be upstaged, Hayes feels Dusk’s size 12 kiss his chin. Either in rage of watching his little buddy taken down, or just following the crowd, Johnny settles on taking Dusk down with something between a superkick and calf kick.
All men down, but stirring, Pfefferman thinks between just to shuffle to the outside to strategize.
First back to his feet inside, GBJ pulls Dusk up by the ears, but Dusk drops to a knee and rattles Johnny with a jawbreaker. Taking rear position, Dusk slips in the full nelson, looking dragon suplex.
Richard Parker: Like a kid in kindergarten, Johnny plays limp and slips out the suplex.
In the confusion, Hayes grabs the waist and pops the hips.
Nick Stuart: German! Whoa! Dusk lands on his feet.
Going with the momentum, Dusk bounds off the ropes and dives with a spear.
Nick Stuart: Johnny shoves Hanlon out of the way. Dusk cuts GBJ in half!
Meeting in the middle of the ring, Dusk fakes another kick high, but kicks low, knocking Hayes to a knee. In no time, he follows in a knee strike to topple the Event Horizon the rest of the way. Veteran awareness senses tingling, Dusk pays GBJ a little attention in the form of a soccer kick to the side of the ribs.
Nick Stuart: Another knee to the side of Hayes’ head. Dusk pulling him up and into a Samoan! No! Hanlon out the backdoor! School boy!
Rather than a pin try, Hayes pops to his feet and shuffles a thrust kick to do more than just ‘pepper’ Dusk’s all salt hair. Keeping the motion a-going, Hayes spikes Dusk’s forehead to the canvas with the short hurricanrana.
Nick Stuart: Hayes’ effort getting a smile from Johnny. He’s motioning for Dusk to be thrown to him.
Happy to keep the teamwork going, Hayes presses Dusk into the ropes and comes out with an Irish whip. Whatever GBJ had planned, Pfefferman puts a halt to that, grabbing an ankle. What results is an ugly collision.
Switching targets, Mr. Pfefferman grabs Dusk by the boot and pulls him under the bottom rope. Dusk gets driven into the guardrail as if the front row didn’t have reason enough to be excited. Taking him back up, Pfefferman digs a shoulder in, and Dusk collides with the small of his back against the unmoving ring apron.
Nick Stuart: Hanlon out to meet with Pfefferman!
Richard Parker: The kid can jaw, but Mr. Pfefferman is above that.
Is one way of saying that Nic back peddled and slips into the ring rather than meet the confrontation head on. Not deterred, Hayes follows, but gets stomped for his trouble.Pressing the advantage, Pfefferman has Hayes in a deep hammerlock, transitioning smoothly to a headlock, then taking him down with the snapmare.
Richard Parker: No kickpads, but they heard that one in the cheap seats. No, Johnny! Look out, Mr. Pfefferman!
As if listening to live broadcast, Pfefferman does evade a charging GBJ by taking two steps to the left. Not stopping, Johnny dives through the ropes and takes Dusk out on the outside.
Richard Parker: I wasn’t worried.
Circling Hayes with a series of stomps, Pfefferman stops when he gets to the feet, grabbing a boot instead and laying in elbow drop after elbow drop to tenderize the inside of the leg. The series only stops when it’s time for a short strut, and the figure four applied.
Nick Stuart: Agony. Hayes needs to find the way out, pronto.
Back from the outside, Johnny slowly makes his way over for the save.
Nick Stuart: GBJ with the stomp!
Richard Parker: But Pfefferman isn’t breaking the hold. He’s almost daring Johnny to try again.
Without a better idea at hand, GBJ does try again, only for Pfefferman to catch his boot. GBJ looks confused, but Pfefferman is full of determination. He twists and Johnny finds himself belly down to the mat.
Nick Stuart: Pfefferman has Hayes in a figure four, and Johnny in an ankle lock!?
Richard Parker: Look at the ref, she’s trying to see who’s going to tap out first.
Fourth man on the scene, and sick of the nonsense, Dusk picks up a jog and leaps, crashing down on Pfefferman with a senton.
First out of the wreckage, Dusk pulls Hayes up and takes him for a walk with a series of European uppercuts. Knocked spacey, Dusk suplexes The Event Horizon with the Northern Lights. Holding the bridge, the official slides in for the count.
Pfefferman tries to save… the match for himself, diving to break the pin attempt.
But Hayes rocks a shoulder up on his own.
Looking over his options, Pfefferman only gets a kick to Hayes before Johnny runs him down with a jumping knee high across the back. Johnny gives a thumbs to Hayes, and starts towards Pfefferman again.
Nick Stuart: Caught from behind by Dusk! Johnny just planted with the inverted DDT.
Dusk scrambles toward the pin, but Johnny keeps rolling to the safety of the apron.
Richard Parker: Like a piece of trash, Dusk just shoves Garbage Bag Johnny the rest of the way to the floor.
Spying from the corner of his eye, and a quick camera switch from the monkeys in the back, Dusk spots Hayes climbing to the top. A bounce off the ropes is enough to have the rookie lose his footing and land uncomfortably.
Nick Stuart: Hayes a little slow getting to the high rent district, and he paid the price.
Stalking over, Dusk softens Hayes with a few shots before maneuvering him into the tree of woe. Dusk’s framing up whatever will have to wait, as Pfefferman spins him and shares a dissertation on the importance and inevitability of his victory nose-to-nose.
Nick Stuart: Don’t think that you’re convincing anyone here, Mr. Pfefferman.
Dusk counterpoints with a right hook, but this was the opening Pfefferman was looking for. He takes the wrist and it’s Dusk’s turn to have his shoulder joint stressed with the hammerlock. Rather than sit in the rest spot, Dusk spins and lounges forward, Pfefferman continuing to crash into Hayes, and the corner he’s currently caught up in. Dusk straightens the Professor back up only to double him over in a series of shoulder thrusts.
Richard Parker: Talk about efficiency. Two for the price of one.
Pfefferman planted and trying to get back his wind, Dusk backs up a distance and charges back in with a big splash.
Nick Stuart: Splash into the corner from Dusk! GBJ! Following in trying to collect them all!
But Dusk rolls out of the way. Johnny crashes in with a hard splash of his own, but gets rolled to his shoulders. Small package.
Nick Stuart: Only a two count. Dusk back up, Shining Wizard! Back into the pinfall.
Richard Parker: Broken up by Hanlon. Low dropkick to the mush.
Both scramble to their feet, but Dusk shoots first with a right. A second is ducked, as Hayes feeds a right to the ribs. Adrenaline helped, Dusk puts serious intentions behind a haymaker, but Hayes again goes underneath. Unbalanced, Dusk is off his feet and driven high on the shoulders to the canvas with the Death Valley driver.
In a match this chaotic, the advantage is only held so long.
Nick Stuart: Chop block! Pfefferman takes Hayes out at the knees.
And just as Nicholas gets his footing, Johnny launches with the hip attack.
Richard Parker: Flying asshole!
Johnny is finally in fighting form, pulling Nicholas up and spinning into the hangman’s neckbreaker.. But Pfefferman slips his way free, and drives a forearm to the back of the neck. Pfefferman reaches down to grab an arm and pull Johnny into position.
Nick Stuart: Hayes! Pfefferman planted with the powerbomb before he even knew what was happening!
GBJ is lucky to shift a shoulder, barely missing being the crash pad for Pfefferman. No harm intended, Hayes is offering a hand to pull Johnny back up. GBJ takes the hand, and scoots through the wickets.
Nick Stuart: GBJ almost pancaked, now Hayes in the pumphandle. Made in Japan!
Richard Parker: Finally.
Caught between options, Johnny goes into the cover, hooking Pfefferman by the outside leg.
Nick Stuart: A little too much time elapsed.
Pfefferman is able to roll a shoulder, though Johnny isn’t discouraged. GBJ takes both wrists and tries to apply, you’d guess a Rings of Saturn, but what we get something more like a crucifix. Either way, pin attempt.
Dusk breaks up the last fall, stomping the middle of GBJ’s back. Trying clear space, Dusk grabs Mr. Pfefferman by the scruff of the neck, and tosses him to the apron. Disoriented, Pfefferman can’t put a fight up when Dusk runs him face first to the corner post.
Nick Stuart: Hayes to Dusk, standing switch! German!
Hayes tumbles on the landing of the release German, he’s near the ropes, but down.
Now it’s Johnny’s turn to take the assisted trust fall, but he’s reaching down to grab hold of Dusk’s leg.
Nick Stuart: Blocked.
Dusk breaks a smile, but stays focused, spinning Johnny around and over in a butterfly suplex. Staying on the Dirtiest Dude, Dusk rocks in a few knees to the side.
Richard Parker: And a baseball dropkick for Mr. Pfefferman trying to sneak himself back in. Dusk has control of that ring.
Dusk turns his attention back to Hanlon Hayes, on the apron and pulling himself the rest of the way up with the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Dusk trying to bring Hayes back in with a suplex! No! Hayes muscelling the bigger man over! Dusk safely to the apron! And here come the rights!
Both men trade shots, with Dusk hitting just that little bit harder. When Hayes stops returning shots is when Dusk takes him down with a lariat.
Nick Stuart: Down goes Hayes. Johnny bounding off the ropes! Triangle shoulder block! Both GBJ and Dusk landing on that thinly padded concrete.
Freshest of the bunch, Pfefferman finds Hayes stirring first. Pfefferman scoops and deposits the Event Horizon chest first to the guardrail with the snake eyes. Taking the wrist, he tries to send Hayes hard into the corner railings, but Hanlon is able to switch the motion.
Nick Stuart: Pfefferman hard into the rails.
That collision knocking the MGM security guard posted on the other side from his seat. The meathead in two sizes too small black polyester turns to stare down Mr. Pfefferman. His tenuous relationship about to cost him a chance at the Five Star championship, Nicholas squirms back and away, right back to Hanlon Hayes.
Nick Stuart: Samoan drop! If that back was sore before.
Hayes ushers Pfefferman back under the bottom ropes, and can start feeling the energy pulsing through him. Back in the ring, and standing behind Pfefferman, Hayes’ hands shake and raise, until the Professor turns around.
Nick Stuart: The Epoch! Chokebomb, and the pin!
On the outside, Dusk is fighting off Johnny.
Dusk makes it back into the ring, but the count is happening on the far side.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this matchup! The Event Horizon! Hayyyyess! Hanlooonnn!
Nick Stuart: Hayes is moving on to Culture Shock! He’ll be in that Five Star Championship match!
Richard Parker: Dusk just a little short to break that one up.
Ashley Barlow raises Hayes’ hand and the youngster from Oregon lets out a roar of celebration. He climbs a corner turnbuckle and pounds his chest before ReVival cuts elsewhere.