HAYES HANLON VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith plays on the PA and the lights flicker like stars falling from the heavens as Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall make their way out of the back.
The strings fade and Steven Tyler rasps the seminal love ballad of the late 90’s hit.
“I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing.”
The duo make their way to the ring and before entering, JCH timidly asks to kiss Vickie’s hand, which she playfully laughs off and tells him to get in the ring.
He rolls in and shoots her a look to suggest he will do this in her name.
Vince Howard: FROM FOLSOM, LOUISIANA! STANDING SIX FEET TWO INCHES AND WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS…
JCH blows a kiss to Vickie on the outside. She catches it and winks.
Vince Howard: JOOOOONATHAAAAAAN-CHRIIIIIIIISTOOOOPHEEEEER HAAAAAAAALL!
Nick Stuart: Jonathan-Christopher is ready to face down his opponent, and what a big opportunity it is for him against a former two time Universal champion.
Richard Parker: I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes if he doesn’t get it done. Vickie doesn’t look like she is playing around.
Distorted guitar heralds a black hole emerging on the PRIME*View, dangerously close to the screen; hanging in the void among planets and nebulas.
Sirens accompany as the screen shakes, pulling us in violently, until the lyrics scream throughout the PA system.
“WHEN MY BACK’S TO THE WAAALLLL!!!”
And huge, white block letters fill the screen:
I!!!
WILL!!!
CON!!!
QUER!!!
The speakers and amplifiers hold on for dear life as “Daggers” by We Came as Romans absolutely bludgeon the eardrums. And speaking of explosions, those planets and stars on the PRIME*View do just that, bursting into blinding eruptions of violent light. It carries into the arena, rumbling flashbulbs explode in various points throughout the building; in the ceiling, in the stands, one after another.
And then, from the ramp, the Event Horizon.
“I SEE THE MOUNTAIN AHEAD, I FEEL THE THUNDER ROAR!
I FEEL THE FURY WITHIN, BUT LOUDER THAN BEFORE!”
Hammerin’ Hanlon marches forward, those dark eyes focused, ‘stache on point, while the fans around are on the brink of a literal mosh pit.
Vince Howard: FROM WEST LINN, OREGON! STANDING SIX FEET, THREE INCHES AND WEIGHING IN AT TWO-HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE POUNDS!!
Hayes climbs the apron, steps through the ropes, and b-lines for the turnbuckle.
Vince Howard: The Event Horizoonnnnnnn…HAAAAAYESSSS!! HAAANNNLLOOOONNNNN!!!
Up one rope, then the second, chest and jaw jutting out, and a thumb across his neck.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER!
CUT OUT THE PAIN! TO FIND THE POWER!”
He hops down, making way to the next post to repeat the process one more time.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER!
CUT OUT THE PAIN!”
He remains on the ropes, and in unison with the crowd, beats his chest four times while roaring out the crescendo.
I!!!
WILL!!!
CON!!!
QUER!!!
The Comeback Kid stays for a moment, eyes out to the roaring crowd, allowing the music to reach its breakdown. He hops to the mat and takes his place in his corner, ready to go.
Nick Stuart: Bang a gong, we are on here in Kitchen Stadium!
Richard Parker: What are you talking about?
Nick Stuart: Sorry, slipped into my voice acting from back in the day.
Richard Parker: You’re a weird man.
Elvis Nixon finishes checking over the competitors and signals for the bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: Here we go folks, a matchup that might seem a little imbalanced, but Hall has been on a pretty good run lately.
Richard Parker: Hayes is still one of the top guys in the company though, and I think anyone with eyes thinks this is a mismatch.
Nick Stuart: That’s true, Richard. It does seem that way on paper. Lucky for JCH we wrestle on canvas.
Richard shakes his head at the lame attempt at a joke.
JCH and Hayes circle one another in the ring, eventually coming together with a collar and elbow. Hayes is able to power Johnathan-Christopher into the corner with ease and lay into him with a couple boots before grabbing his opponent and whipping him into the opposite corner.
He follows up by following JCH into the corner and stomping on him a few times for effect. Elvis Nixon warns Hanlon and the mustachioed warrior holds up his hands and steps back.
Nick Stuart: Early on it seems like Hanlon’s power is going to be an issue for JCH.
Richard Parker: There is that, but also there is a disparity in skill that is clearly on display.
It is clear, indeed, to anyone who watches these two on a regular basis. Jonathan-Christopher lolls his head, in over his depth. Hayes cracks a smile and winks at Vickie.
She screams and seems to pop JCH out of his daze. The Forever Man steps out of the way as Hayes charges the corner and The Event Horizon hits the turnbuckles hard.
Vickie screams like a tornado siren for JCH to capitalize, and he rushes to lock Hayes in a snap mare flip into a headlock while blowing a kiss at Vickie. She snatches it out of the air and stuffs it in her top for later.
Nick Stuart: Brilliant strategy here by Hall, slow the match down a little and don’t let Hayes build up a head of steam.
Richard Parker: I’m not entirely convinced he had anything to do with a strategy, I think he is just getting lucky that he has this move in his repertoire.
Nick Stuart: That may be true, but either way it’s working.
JCH wrenches on Hayes’ head, but the larger man slowly gets to his feet, first stopping at his knee and driving an elbow into Hall’s gut. JCH doubles over and that allows Hayes to sprint for the ropes and bounce off with a flying bulldog facebuster. He rolls Hall over and goes for a quick cover.
ONE!
JCH kicks out and Hayes shoots up to his knees, looking around for the fans to interact. The crowd starts to fall in and cheer for him which only amplifies as he waves his hands in the air looking to get everyone hyped up.
As they reach a fervor, he runs to the ropes and bounces off. As he does, JCH gets to his feet wobbly and has almost no time to register the Hanlon express hit him with a monster spear that drives the both of them tumbling outside the ring.
Nick Stuart: Wow, I am not sure who took the worst of that shot!
Richard Parker: Well, considering that Jonathan-Christopher got folded in half before he went through the ropes, I would say he did!
Hayes is the first to his feet, albeit slowly. Elvis Nixon has already made a two count outside the ring by the time he makes it up. As he trudges toward JCH, Vickie appears out of nowhere and throws herself on top of her amazing life partner.
She begs Hayes not to keep up his attack and The Hammerin’ One stands with his hands on his hips not wanting to hurt Vickie, no matter how much he might dislike her. Elvis keeps counting.
FOUR!
FIVE!
Finally Hayes decides to roll into the ring and stop the count. He waits for JCH to get to his feet, and when his opponent finally does, he reaches over to “help” him back into the ring, only to recoil and claw at his eyes.
Nick Stuart: Vickie just sprayed him with something!
Richard Parker: I didn’t see anything!
Nick Stuart: Neither did Elvis Nixon! And now I smell it! It’s that damned Pretty Pink © perfume.
Richard Parker: Oh my god, that smells like a hobo’s nut sack.
Nick Stuart: That’s a very specific scent, Richard.
Richard Parker: But am I wrong? Like, in your mind’s eye, isn’t that believably what a hobo’s sack smells like?
Nick Stuart simply nods.
JCH leaps over the top rope with a cross body block and goes for a pin, which Hayes instinctually kicks out of before Elvis can even get into place for a count. Hall scrambles back on Hayes at the behest of the pink banshee at ringside. He starts laying into the former Universal Champion with rights and lefts.
Jonathan-Christopher starts to choke Hayes which draws the ire of the fans all over the arena.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
That doesn’t stop him, but Hayes putting his foot on the bottom rope does. Elvis Nixon admonishes JCH with a hard count before threatening to disqualify Hall, which finally gets him to release the hold.
As Elvis verbally warms Jonathan-Christopher and backs him away from Hayes, Vickie loops a Pretty Pink © towel across his windpipe and leans back, choking Hayes while the referee isn’t looking.
Nick Stuart: The crowd is going berserk watching the Love Convoy members blatantly cheat!
JCH holds his hands up and tells Elvis Nixon he hears him, which is the cue for Vickie to release the hold. She pulls the towel down and dabs her forehead with it when Elvis turns around to see Hayes still gasping for air.
Jonathan-Christopher pushes the ref aside on his way to continue the assault. He stomps on Hayes several times before blowing a kiss to Vickie. This time she catches it and stuffs it in her waistband while making eyes at her beau.
He seems to be full of confidence and leaps into the air to splash the fallen ex-champion, but Hayes gets his knees up. The fans immediately react and start cheering which causes Hayes’ mustache to twitch and his heart to pump pure coca… err… adrenaline. Hanlon gets to a knee and his eyes burn like the penance stare of Ghost Rider at JCH.
Richard Parker: I’ve seen that look before! It’s the one the workers at the Chinese Buffet gave to me and Bobby Dean last week when he went up for a 13th plate of food!
Nick Stuart: Was it any good?
Richard Parker: I haven’t had the squirts that bad since I ate at El Temblor’s Gastrointestinal Nightmare.
Nick Stuart: Gross!
Richard Parker: Actually it was pretty tasty at the time. I recommend the Tamales.
Nick Stuart: Wait, I thought you hated Cancer Jiles and the Bandits?
Richard Parker: I uh… Holy cow, look at Hayes go!
Hayes has indeed stood up and seems to be drawing power from the cheers of the crowd. Vickie screams something about pleading for mercy and JCH drops to his knees, classically begging off the advancing Hanlon.
Hammerin’ Hayes holds up his arms playing for the crowd who seem to have gone clear to a fever pitch wanting him to punish Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
Finally, the snake-like Hall tries to strike Hayes, but the young man blocks it and trades back with one of his own to the delight of the fans in attendance.
He whips The Forever Man into the ropes and thunders across the ring into the other side, coming off with power, sending JCH tumbling with a mighty lariat. Hanlon picks his opponent up and whips him once again, and this time catches him with a prolonged showy powerslam.
Nick Stuart: The Comeback Kid might not need a comeback tonight, as it looks like he is handling his business in the ring.
Hayes stands JCH up and measures him for a big right hand jab. He pops him with another, and another, and another, and… well you get the point. Finally he grabs his opponent and winds up the big right once again.
He reaches all the way back to West Linn, Oregon and delivers a mighty haymaker that sends Hall crashing to the mat.
Nick Stuart: Hayes is just playing with Jonathan-Christopher now, and by the looks of things he might wrap this up pretty soon.
Richard Parker: That last series of punches looked like it took a toll on Hall’s jaw as well as Vickie’s vocal cords.
Vickie is indeed shrieking at Hanlon like she is hoping that the sound will cause Hayes’ symbiote to separate from his body. That does not happen, though, and before long Hayes has Hall whipped into the ropes again.
As The Event Horizon stampedes into the ropes to build momentum, Vickie takes matters into her own hands, leaps in the air and pulls down the middle rope, causing Hayes to break his stride and turn to see Vickie still holding the rope.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: Hayes just cannot catch a break here! Every time he gets a head of steam Vickie is there to thwart him and interfere.
Richard Parker: Look, I’m not defending her, but that’s literally her job as a manager.
Nick Stuart: She shouldn’t be getting involved in the matches though, Richard.
Richard Parker: Still, hard to argue with the effectiveness right?
Hayes protests to Elvis Nixon, who issues a stern warning to Vickie. She denies her actions and flutters her eyes to feign innocence and during the whole performance successfully draws everyone’s attention away from JCH as he rolls up Hayes!
Elvis drops to the mat and counts.
ONE!
Another mighty kick-out and Hayes pops to his feet keeping his eyes on both of the Halls.
At this time a commotion happens as Flamberge appears from the back flanked by Cecilworth Farthington. Hayes catches sight of them and puts his back to the Halls and The Glue boys as they slither down the ramp.
Nick Stuart: Now what are these two doing here!
Richard Parker: Come to enjoy the match, I would guess.
Nick Stuart: Oh, come on! Cecilworth Farthington and Flamberge have no business out here.
Richard Parker: I don’t know, partner, they sure seem like they have some business to attend to.
Hayes protests to Elvis Nixon, shouting and miming being sprayed in the face and choked already, and Elvis throws his hands in the air and tells him to keep wrestling.
Nick Stuart: Even without Sid and Joe who are in Japan, this situation just became a whole lot trickier for Hayes. Let me tell you, Richard, he better have eyes in the back of his head.
Richard Parker: And high explosives for fists.
Hayes tries to watch all parties involved in this situation, but as The Glue Factory finally makes their way down to the ring and stands outside looking shady and leering, the fans tell them what they think of them.
Hanlon jawjacks a little with the Glue Boyz and points to the back. Cecilworth yawns in response. Elvis Nixon is caught in between trying to keep his eyes on all parties involved as well and doesn’t see Vickie creeping around the ring toward Hayes, who has backed himself against the ropes with Cecilberge on one side and Jonathan-Christopher on the other so he can keep track of them both.
She picks her moment and strikes, hitting Hayes with a low blow that sends him stumbling and right into the loving arms of JCH who grabs the flailing Hayes and hits him with Stand By Me!
The crowd boos vehemently as Jonathan-Christopher looks stunned that he has Hayes Hanlon prostrate and vulnerable. Vickie begins to shriek like the giant carnivorous eels which inhabit the sea between Florin and Guilder. JCH hears his Amazing Life Partner and snaps out of it to make the pin.
Nick Stuart: Come on! Not like this!
Jonathan-Christopher hooks the leg and, reluctantly, Elvis Nixon does his job.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: And your winner… JOOOOOONAAAAATHAAAAN-CHRIIIIIISTOPHEEER HAAAAAAAALL!
Nick Stuart: What a despicable show. Hayes Hanlon had all the cards stacked against him and sometimes you just cannot overcome numbers.
Richard Parker: I just want to know why Cecilworth and Flamberge were out here in the first place?
Nick Stuart: I think it is pretty clear why they were out here, and the results speak for themselves with The Love Convoy picking up the win.
The Glue Factory smirks and makes their way up the ramp, content that their presence has been felt. Outside the ring, Jonathan-Christopher tries to celebrate with a passionate kiss, but Vickie hard blocks him with her hand in his face and tells him he needs a shower before he even thinks about kissing her.
Of course he agrees and as they make their way to the back, Hayes sits up and looks around, wondering what just happened. Elvis Nixon claps him on the back and he rolls out of the ring to make his way up the ramp, slapping a few fans’ hands on the way.
Nick Stuart: Well, that will do it for this match. Let’s cut to the last commercial break of the night before our Main Event! I don’t know about you, but I am excited, Richard.
Richard Parker: Can The Anglo Luchador ascend to the top of the mountain? Will Brandon Youngblood Randalplex him to the moon? I guess we will find out.
Nick Stuart: Indeed!
We then cut to our final commercial of the evening… and it’s an important one.