HAYES HANLON VS. THE ANGLO LUCHADOR
Nick Stuart: Up next we have quite the spectacular match up. Fresh off a loss for the Universal Championship and second hardest working man in PRIME, The Anglo Luchador, will take on former two time Universal Champion, Hayes Hanlon, in one on one competition. Hayes, considered by most to be having somewhat of a down cycle, has been that way since being eliminated at Tropical Turmoil.
Richard Parker: Oh. Joy.
The arena darkens.
The first dabs of the organ intro to “Oye Como Va” by Santana fill the arena as purple and green lights strobe while the telltale mask of the Anglo Luchador rotate on the CRUMBOTRON. Smoke begins to waft across the entryway as the instrumenThe Anglo Luchador beginning of the song swells into its big climax.
Nick Stuart: You ever see these guys live?
Richard Parker: Mexico City. 78. So. Much. Blow.
Right before the lyrics sound, The Anglo Luchador appears from the back, looking out at the crowd. He exhales and bows his head before he takes his final stride towards the ring.
Nick Stuart: Big match for The Luchador tonight with some even bigger questions surrounding it. Can he bounce back after taking Youngblood down to the wire, but ultimately still coming up short? And what type of shape is his body in after putting it though hell for the chance to walk across the sun? Also, does he have a shock collar up his sleeve for Hayes Hanlon?
Richard Parker: Time will tell.
Vince Howard announces The Anglo Luchador after he enters the ring. The Anglo Luchador gets a nice ovation from both the PRIMEates in attendance and his zombie fan club in Kensington.
Nick Stuart: I said The Anglo Luchador was coming off a tough loss, well so is his opponent tonight, Hayes Hanlon. In a somewhat shocking turn of events, well, shocking to everyone not named Vicky Hall that is, Hayes was felled by Johnathan Christoper Hall on ReVival 32.
Richard Parker: Didn’t JCH once beat Cancer Jiles as well? So, maybe not so surprising to KING KEWL, either. HA. Also, who beat Jiles at COOLOSSUS for the Universal Title again?
Nick Stuart: Well that would be the man who still has to make his way down to the ring.
Richard Parker: Cool. Thanks for ruining my segue.
Distorted guitar heralds a black hole emerging on the CRUMBOTRON dangerously close to the screen; hanging in the void among planets and nebulas.
Sirens accompany as the screen shakes, pulling us in violently, until the lyrics scream throughout the PA system.
“WHEN MY BACK’S TO THE WAAALLLL!!!”
And huge, white block letters fill the screen:
I!!!
WILL!!!
CON!!!
QUER!!!
The speakers and amplifiers hold on for dear life as “Daggers” by We Came as Romans absolutely bludgeon the eardrums. And speaking of explosions, those planets and stars on the
CRUMBOTRON do just that, bursting into blinding eruptions of violent light. It carries into the arena, rumbling flashbulbs explode in various points throughout the building; in the ceiling, in the stands, one after another.
And then, from the ramp, the Event Horizon.
“I SEE THE MOUNTAIN AHEAD, I FEEL THE THUNDER ROAR! I FEEL THE FURY WITHIN, BUT LOUDER THAN BEFORE!”
Hammerin’ Hanlon marches forward, those dark eyes focused, ‘stache on point, while the fans around are on the brink of a literal mosh pit.
Vince Howard: FROM WEST LINN, OREGON! STANDING SIX FEET, THREE INCHES AND WEIGHING IN AT TWO-HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE POUNDS!!
Hayes climbs the apron, steps through the ropes, and b-lines for the turnbuckle.
Vince Howard: The Event Horizoonnnnnnn…HAAAAAYESSSS!! HAAANNNLLOOOONNNNN!!!
Up one rope, then the second, chest and jaw jutting out, and a thumb across his neck.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER! CUT OUT THE PAIN! TO FIND THE POWER!”
He hops down, making way to the next post to repeat the process one more time.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER! CUT OUT THE PAIN!”
He remains on the ropes, and in unison with the crowd, beats his chest four times while roaring out the crescendo.
I!!!
WILL!!!
CON!!!
QUER!!!
The Comeback Kid stays for a moment, eyes out to the roaring crowd, allowing the music to reach its breakdown. He hops to the mat and takes his place in his corner, ready to go.
Yet…
Richard Parker: Wait. Something seems off here. Isn’t there supposed to be?
Nick Stuart: You’re right. Something is off. There’s a person missing from the equation.
Richard Parker: Where is that lazy bum Timo at? Don’t tell me he’s still looking after his kid! That prepubescent shitstain takes up enough time on this show as it is. If he’s gonna start bleeding into other people’s business then he’s got to go!
Nick Stuart: Harsh sentiment but it seems to have worked. Well, to some extent.
Out from the back and briskly jogging down to the ring, while also being clearly distracted by what transpired just a short while ago, FINALLY, is PRIME’s Senior Referee and habitual Cancer Jiles quick counter, Timo Bolamba.
Nick Stuart: LOOK! Timo never even fixed his face paint from the tears running down his face. Poor guy.
Timo slides into the ring and catches a sideways look from both Hayes and TAL. The Bolambian assures them both that everything is fine, and tells them to focus on the match and not to worry about young Eddie Cross.
ZING!
Maybe that’s what he said to them; the camera’s didn’t pick up the audio.
DING DING
Both competitors slowly, and carefully, circle each other before finding their way to the center of the ring. They lock up via collar and elbow tie up. After a short struggle, Hayes bullies The Anglo Luchador into the corner. Timo gets in between them, breaks the hold, and resets the match.
Nick Stuart: Hayes has about fifty pounds on Anglo Luchador. It might be a long night if TAL thinks he’ll be able to stand toe to toe with him.
Again, Hayes and The Anglo Luchador circle each other, and again, each meet in the center of the ring. This time around it is The Anglo Luchador who gets the best of the collar and elbow tie up by pushing Hayes back into the corner. Timo once again gets in between them, breaks the hold, and resets the match.
Nick Stuart: I stand corrected.
The crowd swoons.
Once again the two circle. Once again they meet in the center of the ring. However, no collar and elbow tie up this time around.
Nick Stuart: These two have wrestled in a combined forty-one ReVival Era matches. Singles matches. Still. Forty. One. That’s a big, respectable, number right there, wouldn’t ya say so?
Richard Parker: No wonder I’m always miserable– I can’t stand either one of these guys. In fact, I bet if The Anglo Luchasnore’s mask fell off that Highball Hayes would pick it up and hand it back to him. Like a frie–
Hanlon reaches back like he’s throwing someone out from the warning track and smacks The Anglo Luchador across his Saxon themed mask with an exposed palm.
SMACK
Nick Stuart: Or he would slap him across the face! HOLY SHIT!
The Event Horizon informs Tom that he’s not there to drink tequila and sing Santana songs. He’s there to fight. So, Tom, being a man of faith, kindly returns the favor and tries to shave the mustache from Hayes’s face with an open hand smack of his own.
SMACK
Nick Stuart: Let’s see what happens now that the proverbial gloves are off.
The Anglo Luchador and Hayes go masked nose to bare nose. You can see the red hand print on Hayes’ left cheek. Luckily for The Anglo Luchador he has the mask, or I’m sure you’d see something similar.
Richard Parker: Looks like I might not fall asleep during this match afterall.
The two exchange a flurry of barbs towards one another. Then, the two exchange a flurry of rights and lefts that see neither man relenting.
Richard Parker: KILL!!!
Hayes takes a homerun swing with a double ax handle, but Tom ducks it. The second generation wrestler then shoots off a tweet, hits the ropes, shoots off another tweet, and connects with a flying head scissors.
Nick Stuart: Hayes is down!
Somewhat flabbergasted from all the whimsy, Hayes quickly rushes upright only to be met with a stiff standing dropkick from The Anglo Luchador. The impact sends Hayes reeling back to the ropes, which The Anglo Luchador takes advantage of by springing upright, charging in, and clotheslining Hayes over the top rope and to the outside of the ring!
Nick Stuart: What an opening sequence from The Anglo Luchador!
Richard Parker: Wait! He’s not done!
Nick Stuart: OHMYGAWD! Corkscrew Thermonuclear Warhead Thunderclap Mount St. Helens Plancha TO THE OUTSIDE!!
HUGE POP FROM THE PRIMEATES!
Nick Stuart: Turn back the clock! That’s not arthritis in those knees but spring and pep!
Both men are down.
Timo begins to count.
Hayes is suffering from the worst of it. The Anglo Luchador shuffles to his feet. He gives Hayes a look that says, hey pal you wanted this, and then pulls him upright. He goes to Irish Whip him into the steel steps at ringside, but Hayes, the young, desperate, seasoned veteran of the sport that he is, reverses the move and instead it’s The Anglo Luchador that goes awkwardly plowing shoulder first into the steel steps!
CLANG
Nick Stuart: The youthful veteran savvy of Hanlon might have just saved him there.
Hanlon enters the ring under the bottom rope to catch his breath and recover from the early barrage while The Anglo Luchador rolls around on the outside grabbing at his shoulder. Timo, also inside the ring, reaches the count of SEVEN before Hayes decides to go back outside.
Timo starts a fresh count.
Hayes, being the jolly-swell guy he is, helps The Anglo Luchador up to his feet. Then, Hayes, being the cut throat competitor he is, scoops up The Anglo Luchador and delivers a shoulder breaker to the very same shoulder TAL awkwardly plowed into the steel steps with.
Nick Stuart: I bet that hurt.
The Homerun Kid lands a few boots to TAL’s shoulder area, drops a precise elbow on the place those boots of his were kicking, and then locks in a modified arm bar that really torques back on his opponent’s shoulder.
The bad one.
Richard Parker: The Snoreador is screaming like someone told him he couldn’t have a salted rim on his margarita ice cream cone! HA!
Nick Stuart: He sure is! But there’s one problem. Hayes can’t beat him on the outside!
Timo reaches the count of NINE, which causes Hayes to quickly release the hold and roll back into the ring. Then, without contemplation Hayes rolls right back outside which causes Timo to restart the count.
Nick Stuart: Looked like The Paladin of PRIME might not have been able to get back into the ring in time, and Hayes could have just won by count out if he had just stayed put.
Richard Parker: He’ll probably say something about having honor or that cork in a baseball bat is wrong and that’s why he did it. Disgusting little bat boy. If I didn’t already hope he loses, which I do, then I certainly do now.
Timo begins a fresh count yet again. Hayes doesn’t waste much time reapplying the modified arm bar/shoulder torquer as evidenced by him doing so before Timo can reach the count of two.
Nick Stuart: So you’re pulling for the Luchador then?
Richard Parker: No, I hope he loses, too.
Nick Stuart: Interesting. I bet that close double countout was quite the tease then.
Richard Parker: Indubitably.
Timo reaches the count of SIX. Hayes releases the hold, calmly rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope, takes a beat, and then yet again rolls right back out to restart the count. Timo sighs, but resigns to his fate.
Richard Parker: Timo’s gonna have his own children’s book on how to count to ten at this rate. I’m sure young Eddie could use it in his rehabilitation.
Nick Stuart: This started off so well for The Anglo Luchador, but now it’s all Hanlon. Maybe a match against Brandon Youngblood is all that it’s cracked out to be.
The Event Horizon goes to reapply the modified arm bar that so far has been quite effective at making Timo count while also destroying TAL’s shoulder joint. But, The Anglo Luchador has been in tough spots before, and musters the will to roll out of harm’s way. He quickly finds his feet, and using his good arm lands a knife edge chop to Hayes’ chest. He lands another knife edge chop that not only staggers Hayes, but also leaves his one nipple chaffed and bleeding. The Anglo Luchador then uses the opening to jump from atop the second steel step and land a hurricanrana on the former Universal Champion!
Timo screams out the number EIGHT.
The Anglo Luchador hastily darts back inside the ring.
Hayes survives the sting of the knife edge chops, shakes free of the cobwebs from the hurricanrana…..
…..and barely makes it back inside the squared circle at the count of NINE point SEVEN.
Nick Stuart: Now wouldn’t that have been ironic?
Hayes is up on his feet. He’s not charging in though, rather he’s hunched over catching his breath and tending to his bloody nipple. The Anglo Luchador is down on one knee; determination and grit are the only things stopping him from buckling over from the pain emanating from his shoulder.
Nick Stuart: Crunch time.
In a show of defiance The Anglo Luchador motions for Hayes to come and get him with his injured arm. Hanlon charges in, feigning reckless abandon. Instead of attacking, he shoots around TAL, going by him on the side of his bad shoulder. He wraps his arms around TAL’s waist, and delivers a release German Suplex that sends The Anglo Luchador flying halfway across the ring.
Richard Parker: Someone is racking up frequent flyer miles this match.
However, it seems Hayes’ release was too great. Across the vast distance The Anglo Luchador is able to find his bearings and land on his feet. Luckily the ropes are there to keep him from overrating out of the ring.
Still, TAL lands it nonetheless.
And better yet, Hayes has no idea. He’s decided to keep his back turned, and rally the crowd instead. As such, The Anglo Luchador moves in, and spins around Hanlon so that he’s facing him. Shellshocked, Hanlon wildly swings and The Anglo Luchador uses his good arm to block the attack. Through a bit of shiftiness The Anglo Luchador is able to surprise roll up Hayes with a tight Magistral Cradle.
Timo drops down.
Maybe it’s a millisecond late because he was thinking about his son.
Maybe it’s as fast as he possibly could.
Maybe it doesn’t matter.
Either way.
1.
2.
Nick Stuart: Did he get him?!
….
2.9.
Nick Stuart: Hayes powers out! That was close!
Richard Parker: The old vet almost pulled one over on the young vet. Also, not to cause a controversy, but it looked like Timo might have been a tad late there in our bouts FIRST pin attempt. Just saying.
A quick instant replay up on the CRUMBO shows Hayes kicking out at the last possible millisecond, and not before the count happened to determine if Timo was preoccupied or not. Regardless, the match continues, and it does so how it started. With both competitors standing in the center of the ring beating the shit out of each other. Chops. Punches. Kicks. Dodges. Blocks. A few questionable shots around the belt and eyes.
Nick Stuart: The Anglo Luchador and Hayes Hanlon are refusing to give in to the other.
Eventually.
Size, matters.
Having two good shoulders, matters.
Being a prodigy, matters.
As such, Hayes waits for The Anglo Luchador to use his bad arm to attack him, and the moment he does, Hayes grabs a hold of it like a drowning man would a plank of passing by wood. He uses his tight grip to pull TAL close, and then plants him into the canvas with a belly to belly suplex.
RIchard Parker: Old Hayes made sure Luchadork wasn’t going to weasel out of that one.
Nick Stuart: Sure did.
Hayes sticks the landing.
Timo, hopefully alert, does his best to drop down as fast as he can to count the pin.
1.
2.
Nick Stuart: Kick out by The Anglo Luchador! I don’t care what condition he might be in, it’s going to take more than that to put away the former Intense Champion.
The Event Horizon gets to his feet. He exhaustedly reaches down and pulls The Anglo Luchador upright by his mask. Hanlon then pounds away on the shoulder he’s been working on throughout the match which drops TAL down to a knee. The Homerun Kid does his best Babe Ruth impression, and signals to the crowd that it is over.
Nick Stuart: It’s EPOCH time!
Hayes whips TAL into the ropes, setting him up for the end. When Hayes goes to pop him up, TAL, using the last of his survival instincts, presses down on Hayes’ shoulders and lands directly behind Hayes.
This is when TAL, who is primed to attack Hayes in Hayes’ blindspot, should have won the match. However, something flashes across the CRUMBOTRON that robs him of his attention.
Nick Stuart: WHAT WAS THAT!?
Richard Parker: I’m not sure what it was that I just saw. Mainly because Craig never detailed it in the notes.
Nick Stuart: Regardless of what it is or was or will be, it just cost The Anglo Luchador this matchup. He had Hayes dead to rights. Now, he’s spinning almost seven feet in the air.
Instead of attacking when he should have, The Anglo Luchador becomes distracted by something that flashes across the CRUMBOTRON. Hayes, not distracted, turns around, reaches out and before TAL realizes it he’s being lifted in the air by the throat.
Nick Stuart: EPOCH!
RIchard Parker: Ain’t going to matter if Timo takes a nap before counting the pin. Hayes got all of it. The Angoon Luchador is out.
Hanlon drops down for the cover. He hooks a leg for good measure.
Timo counts.
1.
2.
A last ditch leg kick.
Lifeless, and ineffective as it might be.
3.
The bell rings.
DING DING DING
Hanlon cautiously rolls off of TAL, and gingerly gets back to his feet. Timo raises his hand in hard fought victory. Instead of shining, Hayes leaves the ring to his elder, and heads back up the entrance ramp. Timo checks in with TAL, who is slowly coming to. He then leaves the ring to go and tend to his son.
Alone, The Anglo Luchador slowly rolls out of the ring…
The Anglo Luchador leans against the ring, shaking his head to clear the beads of sweat. At this point he’d just walk up the ramp and go about his business.
But he doesn’t do that, because the PRIMEView lights up.
TAL is confused, but he watches, even though the footage isn’t clear. It’s night time, wherever we are, and a camera follows a shadow up a sidewalk. There’s not a lot of light, but just enough for TAL to slowly realize what he’s seeing. His eyes go wide.
On the PRIMEView, the light improves slightly – after all, the camera has come upon some floodlights. And while this gives some more light on the shadowy person, they are wearing black sweatpants and a black hoodie pulled up over their face, so for now they can’t be identified.
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure what’s going on right now.
TAL certainly seems to know. His hands go to his his head, wiping his face quickly as his eyes stay glued to the screen. In front of the house, the camera gets close enough to the assailant so that we could see their face if they chose to raise the hood up. Luckily for us, they choose to do that at this exact moment, and the fierce brown eyes of Paxton Ray pierce the camera.
Paxton Ray: Hey Tommy.
Nick Stuart: That’s Paxton Ray! But what is he doing?
Paxton Ray: Prolly feels familiar to ya by now. But make no mistake, I ain’t no Snidely Whiplash type like Pleasant. I ain’t flyin’ drones. This is a personal visit.
At ringside, The Anglo Luchador lurches forward, as if to sprint. But he knows that isn’t logical. There is nothing he can do. So he stands there, eyes filled with fury, shouting at the man who can’t hear him.
Paxton Ray: You’re so high’n mighty. Actin’ like strappin’ a shock collar to someone is noble. Actin’ like takin’ somebody’s kid is a valiant act. Like you’re an actual fuckin’ hero. Well, I know your boys are inside, Tommy. Let’s see how heroic ya think this is.
And Nick Stuart has finally caught on to why TAL was immediately upset.
Nick Stuart: Wait…that’s The Anglo Luchador’s house! And he’s…no! He wouldn’t!
Richard Parker: I’m sorry to say, Nick, that he absolutely would.
Paxton Ray: All right, let’s see which’a these windows is the boys room.
He walks across the lawn, grabbing what appears to be a potted plant along the way. He surveys the front, then takes a casual look back to make sure the cameraman is the only person on the street with him. He nods, then raises the plant.
“Hey!”
From the house comes the Luchador’s brother, Mikey.
Richard Parker: I got a bad feeling about this, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Hey, Mikey used to wrestle.
Richard Parker: That was 15 years ago.
Mike is clad in basketball shorts, a white t-shirt, and flip-flops.
Mikey: What’chu doin’ here you fuckface?
Paxton doesn’t answer, but instead wings the flowerpot with Randy Johnson velocity at the youngest Battaglia brother. Mikey ducks out of the way at the last second.
CRAAAAAAAAAASH
The earthen clay pot shatters as it smashes against the manicured lawn. As Mikey turns around…
Nick Stuart: PAXTON RAY HAS POUNCED ON MIKEY!
Richard Parker: Look, Nick, you know my whole deal, but I can’t even stomach this. Mike’s a non-competitor. And this is a home invasion!
Mikey stumbles backwards, and Paxton advances, smelling blood, but Mike quickly plants a short kick into Paxton’s breadbasket. Three boxing jabs later, and Paxton is on rollerskates. The shot back in the arena shows the Luchador’s face relent slightly as his brother seems to have Paxton on his heels.
Nick Stuart: Could this be? Can he hold off the Butcher until the authorities can get there?
As good as an underdog story as this is in this millisecond, there’s one thing you all have to remember at Michael Vincenzo Battaglia. He might be five years clean, but years of opioid abuse does a number on your body, whereas Paxton Ray is a world-class athlete training in, no matter what the detractors might say, a world-class gym. As Mike charges, in his flip-flops, he doesn’t have nearly the burst needed to get to the Redneck Einstein before he could react.
He does.
Richard Parker: Oh no.
Nick Stuart: Cut the camera. CUT THE CAMERA.
The production truck does not listen to Nick reacting to Paxton stepping on the back of Mike’s flip-flop as he sidesteps the bull rush. Mike goes flying, skidding on the lawn. Before he can get up, Paxton is on him like a gator finding a napping flamingo in the swamp. A clubbing elbow to the back of Mikey’s neck, then Paxton turns him over, and the blows rain down like a summer thunderstorm.
Nick Stuart: CUT IT! WE DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS!
Richard Parker: I…
The color drains from the Luchador’s neck and presumably his face underneath his mask. He falls to his knees as Paxton Ray’s bloodied fists rain down on his brother’s unconscious face and neck. Finally, sirens are heard in the background indicating the police are close. Paxton rises from his assault, hands and shirt covered in blood. He turns to the cameraman still filming everything.
Paxton Ray: It’s a shame ya got saved by the bell, Tommy. ‘Cause if you and this chump are any indication…those boys need a real man in their life. Coulda been me.
He starts to walk away, with the cameraman following him. As he hurries towards the street, he looks over his shoulder at the camera.
Paxton Ray: An’ as bad as this coulda been for ya, pal? It’s gonna get worse.
The PRIMEview statics out as the Luchador falls to his knees.
Nick Stuart: I, I’m sorry to all the viewers at home who had to watch that.
Richard Parker: Cut to commercial. CUT TO A GODDAMN COMMERCIAL.
The Luchador remains broken on his knees as the camera cuts to said commercial.